Author | Co-Author | Title | Story Link | Genre | Reviewer

Jreboron | hazelB2uty | A Goddess In Disguise | Link | Romance | OptimusPrime17

< - >

Title: [5/5]

I really like the title. It was intriguing and it really caught my attention. A very original title too. Most titles  tend to say what the story’s plot is which really takes the thrill of reading the story away.

Story Layout: [6/10]

You changed your poster quite often on the first couple of chapters and they always look so pretty (｡◕‿◕｡) I like the one on the first chapter . I’m not really a fan of the background though since it’s a little too bright from my liking even if it is the real poster. Maybe you should choose a different background poster that’s a little darker or just contrast white. I personally think you should add a little more something- something to the text to make it more eye catching. Maybe change the font of size? Add a little color? Just to attract your reader’s attention more.

Foreword & Description: [5/10]

To be honest, I don’t think character charts are needed. The main story should be able to tell what the characters are like and what they look like. Though some people do like it (I used too as well but yeah..)  And your foreword reveals a lot about the story. You should play around a little and try and be more vague to leave your readers a little expectant. Try and leave them wandering about what would actually happen and make them want to read on. You should revise your foreword and check some of the grammar mistakes. Some were either words you missed out or were put in the wrong place or missing punctuation. Check the spacing as well. Here are some correction and suggestions.

Before Correction: “Homouality is not a thing to be afraid of it is something to prove if it’s really you or it’s just what your mind tells you to be.”

After Correction: Homouality is not something you should be afraid of.  If it’s really you or if it’s what your mind tells you to be, it is something to show to the world.

Take note of using the right punctuation and how the words are placed.

Before Correction: “In this story there is a girl named Park Chae Mi who decided to be a homoual because she grown up without even seeing her mother.

After Correction: (This is a suggestion) In this story, there is a girl who decided to be a homoual due to the fact that she grew up without even seeing her mother. This girl goes by the name; Park Chae Mi.

Be careful on choosing your words especially with the past, present and future tense.

Before Correction: And the other protagonist is Kim Myungsoo, a guy who is a playboy and of course a campus crush but has a good side hidden.

After Correction: Another protagonist; Kim Myungsoo. He’s a playboy, a campus crush. But secretly holds a good side within him.

Before Correction: Park Chae Mi has a best friend named Choi Eunhye who happened to have a crush on L. What will happen if the both of them fall in love with L and there would only be one spot at L’s heart?

Maybe you could try and re-write that. If you want Eunhye to be ‘someone’ and not just Chae Mi’s best friend in the story. I think she would deserve to have little more since she does have a big role in the story. And I think you shouldn’t put the second part in since it says a LOT. That sentence already says that the two girls would fall for L while the Kim brothers would fall for one of the girls. It’s like you’re revealing the whole plot of the story to your readers.

Before Correction: “Kim Myungsoo or known as L, is the younger one between his twin brother, Kim Hyunwoo. Hyunwoo is the complete opposite of L. Can you imagine if Hyunwoo’s handsomeness has come out and the both of them fall in love with the same girl? How lucky would that girl be! Will it be Chae Mi who has a hidden beauty or Eunhye who is very talented and pretty?

After Correction: Kim Hyunwoo is Kim Myungsoo’s older, twin brother. A complete opposite of L. *Again, the second part reveals too much about the story. I suggest you remove the second part. Maybe re-write the last part about the Kim brother’s falling for either Chae Mi or Eunhye and vice versa.

Also remove the bullet points and write all of that in paragraphs.

Plot: [7/20]

The plot, I think is a little cliché. The two guys falling for the same girl and the two girls fall for the same guy. I’ve stumbled into a lot of stories like this especially in the romance section.

Characterization: [5/10]

The image of the two girls would be blank in the reader’s mind if it weren’t for the poster and character charts. I advice you to add more description into what they look like.

For example; Chae Mi’s long, chestnut hair was styled into beautiful curls that matched her ashy eyes perfectly. Or Eunhye’s pink lips twitched into a mischievous smirk as her bright, doe eyes glistened knowingly.  Same goes for the twins. Also, describe what their feeling. Let the readers know how happy the character are, how much pain the characters are feeling etc.

For example; The pain in Hyunwoo’s heart was excruciating. It felt like a thousand needles were piercing his poor heart by the sight of his brother hugging Chae Mi. While on the other hand, Myungsoo was feeling like he was in heaven. Having Chae Mi in his arms, hugging him back, was pure bliss, a heaven indeed.

Originality: [3/5]

Like I said, it was a little cliché but I still quite enjoyed some of the events that happened in the story, thus gaining you extra points.

Flow: [7/10]

The flow was okay. I felt like the events happened quickly, but it was probably just the lack of description in the story. Add more detail your chapters a little longer and more memorable.

Grammar & Spelling: [7/25]

I think you would make much less grammar mistakes if you tries writing in a different point of view or a different tense because when you write it’s mostly in present tense which is quite annoying and hard to read (in my opinion)

Before Correction: Having been transferred in her new school, Chae Mi is still in culture shock, because she came from Busan.

After Correction: Coming all the way from Busan and transferring to a new school, Chae Mi was still suffering from culture shock.

Before Correction: Chae Mi walks from her house and it takes her 15 minutes to reach school.  After reaching the school gate she rushed to go to the office of the principal, while running in the corridor she accidentally bumped into someone. But the latter just smiled to her and continued walking.

After Correction: Chae Mi walked from her house and it took her roughly fifteen minutes to reach the school. After reaching the school gate, she rushed to the principal’s office. Though while running in the corridor, she accidentally bumped into someone but the latter just smiled at her continued walking.

Avoid using ‘15’ and try to use ‘fifteen’ instead. Also take note of the use of the ‘,’ and ‘.’ In the sentences.

Before Correction: “No one is listening to her while introducing herself”

After Correction: No one was listening to when she was introducing herself.

I’ll stop here since it would be quite long if I continued.

Overall Enjoyment: [2/5]

My overall enjoyment in the story was greatly hindered by the grammar mistakes. I was only able to picture some scenes in my head and those were quite vague as well. Word of advice; add more description and try your best in checking your spelling and grammar. Maybe get a co-author or get someone to beta your chapters. I also suggest that you go over your chapter at least twice.

 Bonus points: [2/5] 

​Hi, Jreboron! Thank you so much for requesting at Crisx-Trix Review Shop, it's entertaining working with you. I've something to explain, this review wasn't done by me, it was done by my co-author, OptimusPrime17. And I believed she had done a very wonderful job. I only edited the paragraphing format of the review and all the credits go to her. I had to pass her this review because I could not cope, sorry for any inconvenience caused. I wish that we'll be able to work together in the future! If you enjoyed this review, please share this shop with your friends and an upvote is appreciated. Most importantly, please return some feedbacks at the comment box down below. Bye! ^.~