When Ice Meets Fire - Spoiled

Story link

Reviewer: yiling245

Title:  2/5

Yeah I understand that your story is about 2 people liking each other or something like that (Taeyeon and Wooyoung; Jessica and Soohyun) but I don’t find it linked to the story title in any way. Well I didn’t understand who the ‘Ice’ was and who the ‘fire’ was. Also, I think I’ve seen this title a few times before, and hence it’s quite cliché.

Poster: -/5

There was no poster, so I won’t count this in.

Description & foreword:  4/10

Well, if you want to ask why you got such a low mark for your description and foreword, I’ll tell you now. Firstly, you didn’t use them for what they were supposed to be used for, as I said in many of my other reviews. Since AFF has already given you the character list, why for you list out the characters again in the description? The description is supposed for you to describe you story in about two sentences, and not for you to list out the characters and the pairings. You can leave this line though.

“Taeyeon is Jessica's Unnie(Older Sister) and is protective of her since their parent's death. Wooyoung and Soohyun were friends since childhood. What will happen when Ice meets Fire? Will the Ice melt first? Or will the fire burn out first?”

This is the description.

As for the foreword, I really didn’t like your character charts. Well, personally, I already don’t like character charts, but yours was just a little too detailed for my taste. Apparently, I just skipped past the whole list. Well, if you really needed to, you could have just listed out their names and ages as such. There was no need for you to list out their likes. As I have told others, you can include a small teaser or summarise your story further in the foreword, not just the character charts and disclaimer.

Plot: 12/30

I mean, I don’t actually get the plot. Like, there’s no main plot, and it’s just a random love story between couples. Also, I don’t think your story is really that original, since it’s actually just a bunch of overused clichés put together to form a story. However, I must say, some parts of the whole story was quite interesting though.

Writing style:  8/20

I didn’t like your writing style all that much. I’m not trying to be over strict here, but I really disliked how you portrayed the characters speaking. You could have at least done something like this.

“Taeyeon, believe me, I’ll never leave you.” Wooyoung said, staring into Taeyeon’s deep brown eyes.

Either that you were just plain lazy to type out the whole thing or you just didn’t know how to write it out.

Here’s another example.

Wrong: ???: Who left the door unclosed?!

Correct:A figure stepped up to the door and gaped in shock. “Who left the door open?”

Using ‘unclosed’ is just wrong and it makes the sentence really awkward.

Wrong: Sooyoung: Stop complaining. You hurted her heart first.

Correct: Sooyoung shot Wooyoung a look and said, “Stop complaining, you were the one who hurt her in the first place.”

Also, you should be consistent in the capitalisation of your character’s names. It’ll make you seem more professional.

Spelling/grammar:  8/10

Spelling wise, it had some little errors which were all most probably typo errors. This is why you should proofread your work after writing it. As for the grammar, it was relatively consistent with only a few inconsistencies here and there. So overall, good job on your spelling and grammar!   

Ending:  5/10

Okay, for the ending. The “guy” you mentioned is called a priest or a minister, remember that. Also, when the priest said they could kiss, why did they just say hello to each other? If you actually wrote that they kissed, it would have been a better and more romantic ending.

Overall enjoyment: 7/10

It was a nice story, and I fairly enjoyed it. Thanks!

Total marks:  46/90 = 51/100

Don’t be disappointed with your mark, just work harder next time for your next story and think of this as a stepping stone! On a final note, take note of your writing style. Thanks for requesting at Rainbow Fountain and hope you would request again! :)

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Thanx for reviewing :DD