A Pinch of Sadness Inside
Bitter Sweet MemoirsAfter that petty fight which turned to be just a trial which again proved me how lucky I was to have Minwoo for a "boyfriend" , we went on with the activities in the camp. It was still the same except for that fact that Minwoo now would always text me and check on me. As compared to the first two days. He has been fetching me from the group before we can go back to our room, from our room to the activity areas too and sometimes he even sits with me at lunch. He has been there all the time that my groupmates even know him now. He even talks to them sometimes. I can't ignore those girls who stares at him like he's the only person in the hall and I hate it. But whenever they ask him why is he there, he would always say, "Oh. I'm here to check if the person I love already ate. I don't want her to miss a single meal and get sick. I can't stand seeing her in pain." I should be happy right?! Because he just indirectly told those girls that he's not available. But why did he have to tell all those?! He could've said "I'm here for my girlfriend" or whatever. O yea. i am not his girlfriend. *sigh* But I am and also my other groupmates are quite used to it now, it's the fourth day and yea. Tomorrow is the last day that we'll be together. Haaaay. I'll surely miss everyone here. Especially Ryan and Jazz. I haven't got the chance to ask Ryan for any progress but I know that if there is, they will update me at once. Anyways, what happened to us three? Well, Jazz won't stop telling me how lucky I was and how good/sweet of a Boyfriend Minwoo is and such.
"He's a good catch, girl. Don't ever let go of him." Jazz said after Minwoo left to go to his group. I just smiled at her fighting spirit and thought "I wish I won't." And unlike the other girls, I can see how he admires my boyfriend as someone else's boyfriend, not hers. If she only knows, Ryan has been like Minwoo (that's what I've observed at least) but in harsh way. If Minwoo is sweet and gentle, Ryan has been nagging at Jazz just so she would bring her hanky with her all the time, eat on time, drink water all the time. He even threw looks of hatred to girls that would accidentally push Jazz or those who throw looks at her like she's a b*tch for being with someone like Ryan. 'Coz like what I have said. They both have looks, but Ryan's charms is just so irresistable. And he almost got caught into a fight because some guys are looking at Jazz with obvious admirations in their eyes. It's not like they're looking at her in way, but Ryan is just too territorial. But Jazz is surprisingly oblivious of what is going on around her. Either that or she's just used to getting treated like this, that I don not know.
And yea. About Ryan and Minwoo? They haven't been talking still. Minwoo won't even greet him when they see each other. That's really frustrating but I guess Minwoo's just embarassed? For overreacting over nothing? Haha. Ryan was worried at first too, I just ask him to give him some time and he said yes. He's cool with it.
Anyways, tomorrow we'll roam around Jeju Island. We can do whatever we want, but we have to go in pairs. At first I was worried. Who will I go with?! But then they said that those who are from the same school can't go together. Ryan looked like he's defeated and we all know why :3
"Uh. Ryan. Uhm..." A cute girl asked shyly after the announcements. We were given some time to finalize who we're going with. Is it just me?! Or did Jazz look at this girl from head to toe?
"Yes? Can I help you?" Ryan said smiling. Now I can see irritation in Jazz's face. Is Ryan aware of this? Is he doing it on purpose?
"I was j-just wondering if y-you already have a p-person in mind... Y-You know to b-be your adventure b-buddy for t-tomorrow?" The cute girl somehow managed to say those words although she was stuttering most of the time. I can even see her hands trembling though she has been trying to hold back the nervousness inside her. I found everything about her cute tho. But I don't think Jazz is thinking about the same thing. Wait. Come to think of it, this girl. She's the same girl Ryan said was "cute" on the first day. Maybe he'd go with her? I guess I'm going with Jazz, then? :3
"Ah yes. I already have a person in mind." Ryan said while rubbing the back of his neck. Aw. That's just too adorable. :3
"Ah, re-really? Who would it be?"
"Hye Lim" Jazz suddenly blurted out.
"Huh?!" Ryan and I said in unison.
"Hye Lim is his adventure buddy!"
"Oh. I see. I guess I'll see you around then."
"Oh. Sure. Have fun tomorrow, alright?!" Jazz said and waved goodbye. When she turned around, I greeted her with one of my brows raised. And before I could even say a word, Ryan asked Jazz what was she up to.
"Jacquelyn Zhyrille Kim. What is that all about?!" Ryan with a hint of annoyance in his voice.
"She was going to flirt with you tomorrow. For the whole day. Isn't that obvious?!" Jazz said but looked away. I can still see her pink cheek tho. I think she's blushing. =">
Ryan looked at me without a clue so I mouthed "jealous". Of course I made sure Jazz wouldn't hear me. I saw Ryan smile and faced Jazz again. I thought he's going to confess now but...
"So what if she flirts with me? You do know I have a crush on her!" He said with the same voice as he had a while ago. WHAT IS THIS?!
"You go with her then!!!" Jazz walked away so we followed her out of the hall. There are no people around since they're still deciding who they will be going with. So when Ryan was only a few inches away from Jazz, he grabbed her hand without hesitation and pulled her into a hug. Omo. This is it!
"You're the most beautiful girl in the world for me. I would always have the biggest crush on you. I would constantly get mad and shout at you just so you would remember every bit of the instructions I give you. I won't stop doing that even if my voice become hoarse. I won't stop just so you'd realize how much I care for you." HOW DID HE EVEN DO THAT WITHOUT STUTTERING?! That's perfect English btw.
I saw Jazz's eyes become teary. At first she was shocked but then she just hugged Ryan back. They stayed like that for a while. I didn't want to ruin they're moment so I stayed there without a single word. I was enjoying the view although I'm really having a hard time keeping myself silent. That's when this guy came and all my hardwork turned to nothing!!!
"Lime!" He shouted and all three of us turned to him.
"Really?! Of all the times you can shout my name, Minwoo?! It had to be now?! Ugh! You're such a ruiner!!!" Jazz and Ryan just laughed at my remarks. Minwoo seemed to not notice anything, me being annoyed, the atmosphere around him, the other two people who were having their moment, BEFORE HE RUINED it, of course. Seriously. I didn't know this guy could be this dense.
He just wrapped gis arms around my waist and smiled. "So, Jazz, I'm guessing you'll be Lime's adventure buddy?" He asked in English, still smiling. I noticed Ryan got uneasy and that's when I realized this ain't going to be a good one.
"Oh no. Ryan is."
"WHAT?!" Minwoo exclaimed and turned to me as if saying "Tell me she's joking".
"Uh. :D" I said completely out of words.
"You see there was this girl who's trying to ask Ryan but I had the feeling she's going to flirt with her. So I said Hye Lim's going with him. I'm sorry. I couldn't think of anyone else. I mean she's the only one I can trust here."
"You can just say you want that guy for yourself only, you know." Minwoo said and laughed a bit. Jazz turned instant red. Omo. She's so cute :3
Minwoo turned to Ryan. "Well, besides Jazz you're the only one I can trust here, too. I'm fine with you. Just give me a favor and take good care of Lime tomorrow, will you? You do know how precious she is to me, right?"
"Like a diamond" Ryan smirked.
"Diamonds would be ashamed for
getting compared to my Lime. She's way more than that to me. Remember that."
"Stop it you guys. Look at me! I'm blushing!" I said just to ease the tension between the two of them. Everyone laughed and Minwoo pinched my cheeks.
"Yah! Oppa! That hurts!"
"That's for being too cute." Minwoo and Ryan laughed.
"Wait. What did they just say?" Jazz was looking at Ryan full of hope for an answer.
"You'll know when your Korean gets better :P"
"That's not fair!" Jazz, disappointed.
"It is, young Miss. It is absolutely fair. You're a whole blooded Korean. C'mon. Don't underestimate yourself." Ryan said and winked at Jazz as he started walking away.
"You have to speak slower!" Jazz exclaimed, following Ryan and completely forgetting about us.
Minwoo and I exchanged looks and shrugged as we realized what just happened. They just left us.
"Let's go. You have to rest for tomorrow." Minwoo said as he held my hand, like what he usually does.
The next day came and we all roamed around Jeju. The camp provided a bus for us so, in one place, there are about 100 campers. We all stick together. We chose where to go first an the drivers were kind enough to do whatever we want tho our arrangement of places to visit is a little out of track. We had to go back and forth because we chose on the basis of which place is most wanted to be seen last and not by the course of the road. We were all enjoying the trip. Minwoo checks on me every now and then to make sure I am fine. He even got Ryan's number a while ago and he's pestering him by calling him every now and then,too.
"I wish your boyfriend's phone dies. I don't care how, I just want it to die!" Ryan said after a phone call from you know who.
"Hey. I know you're already pissed off. I'm sorry. Really."
"No. It's fine. I guess that's how boyfriends are. Who is he with anyways? I mean, his adventure buddy isn't a girl, RIGHT?" Ryan said as of telling "IT SHOULDN'T BE A GIRL."
"Oh no. I've met his adventure buddy before we did. He's with Kim Minki. I think he's your classmate?"
"Oh. Yes. He's a guy with a great sense of humor."
"Yea. They seem to get along well."
"Uh. Hye Lim?"
"Why so serious? Haha. You really had to call me by my real name?"
"Uh. If you don't mind... Can I ask you something?"
"Sure. What is it?"
"Uh. It's just that, Jazz actually heard Minwoo introduce you to Minki. But she was wondering... Why does Minwoo always introduce you as his "most special friend" or "the girl he loves"? I mean, I'm sorry to even say this but... I've never heard him say you are his girlfriend directly. In front of many people that is." Ryan said trying to catch my gaze 'coz I have been avoiding having an eye contact with him.
Being asked such question just feels like I have been stabbed by a knife right through my heart. I mean people have asked me the same question for who knows how many times already but I still can't seem to get used to the pain it brings. It just tears my heart into a thousand pieces. Every time someone asks again, those pieces are further torn into a thousand more. IT NEVER GETS HEALED.
"Hey? I'm sorry. It's ok if you don't want to answer it. I was j--"
"It's because I'm not really his girlfriend." I said, cutting whatever he wanted to say. He looked at me with a puzzled face.
"Not officially his girlfriend. We love each other, yes. And we are completely aware of that. But we are not committed to each other nor to anyone else but ourselves."
"Why? I mean, I know you love each other. That's completely evident. But, being committed to each other... That's still a different thing."
"I know. And only if I get to choose for the both of us, I want him to be officially mine. I want to have that right to get jealous and not worry about who I am in his life. I'm sick and tired of worrying about that day when he would come to me and tell me that he doesn't love me anymore because he found another girl who's better than me, and I couldn't do anything about it because even I myself don't know how he thinks of me. I'm feeling weak just by thinking about waking up one day and realizing that he's gone." I looked at him and flashed a bitter smile. It's a good thing we are at the beach now. It's the last place we we chose to visit. We are to stay here for about three hours but we're not allowed to swim. For safety purposes.
"But if that's the case, then... Why?"
"Well. I can't do anything about that. I mean he's not courting me. And I don't think he ever will."
"What?!" Ryan exclaimed in disbelief.
"You see, his parents think I am no good for their son. And I don't want to waste my effort and prove them wrong. I mean, I want to prove them wrong but not because I want to prove them wrong. You probably don't get me." I laughed a bit.
"No. I totally get you." I looked at him, the smile I keep on faking just faded away and is now replaced by a puzzled look. "You don't want to prove them wrong... On purpose. I mean you want them to realize they were wrong for thinking such. But you want to be succesful because and for someone else. Right?" This time, it was his turn to smile. And I can't help but to return one of my sincere smiles too.
"Wow. You're amazing." I looked at the beautiful beach. "I don't want to waste my effort just to get their approval. If I would someday, it will be too late. If it's me and Minwoo forever, it would mean that I would get tied to him... And to them as well. And sorry for saying this, but I wouldn't want to. I don't want my kids to be controlled the way Minwoo is being held now. But don't get me wrong. I love him. So much. And even if I know and I say now that I have accpeted that we're not meant to be... Not now at least, I don't know if I will still be able to let go of him when the time comes. When they take him away from me. My friends have scolded me about this. They already told me a hundred times that I'm like holding on to a thin thread, hoping it would save from falling off a cliff. Not only am I sure to fall but I am also hurting myslef the longer I hold on to it... Not having a single clue when it would get broken... It will be... Soon. I know. But when exactly will that moment come? I don't know. I wouldn't want to know. I don't want it to ever happen. But I don 't have a choice." Without realizing, warm drops of pain are already flowing from my eyes. I wiped it with my hands and laughed. "It's so hot I'm sweating through my eyes."
Ryan just looked at me and smiled. "Nice one, Beuford" he said and ruffled my hair.
"Hey, mess with my life but not my hair!!!"
"You're so strong. But you're still a girl. A delicate one. I know how fragile you are inside. There's no need to pretend when you're in front of me. Look at me" It was awkward at first but when I saw the concern in his eyes I got drowned in his emotions. "You really are strong. But you're gonna need to be a lot stronger than that. You're gonna need a lot of help, too. It won't be easy when THAT DAY comes, you will have a hard time. You will cry like there's no tomorrow. I know because eventhough I am not directly involved, I can still feel the love you have for each other. But Jazz and I will be here for you. Your other friends will be there. It's going to be hard but it's still possible. Just don't ever, don't ever close your heart. Don't be afraid to love again, live might have hurt you, but it still is the best if not the only cure to that damn excruciating pain you will feel."
Comments