Unbearable Cares
The Sight of Destiny
"He is very weird today and I'm craving to know why. I'm waiting for him to talk."
- CHAPTER 11
***
Donghae’s POV
You really have to know that Sehun is my only bestfriend who really stubborn and hard to be convinced. It is counted as a thousand times I said to him that what I had with Eunhyuk today is just a usual hang out; not a date. But he keeps saying a nonsense thing. For a moment I really want to hit him with a huge rock.
“Stop it, Sehun. You don’t know the case. It’s just because we both lonely that’s why we decided to be friend and well, let’s say today was how we celebrate our new friendship.” I scratch my head for a moment before I lay in my bed facing the wall.
I almost groan so hard when Sehun keeps saying again, “Donghae, celebrating a new friendship is not a thing” now I slap my own forehead.
“It’s a thing, okay. Let’s say I just hang out with him like I did it with you. Clear?” I raise an eyebrow automatically.
I hear Sehun sighs hard in annoyance. Well, I think I win in this case because he sounds like he doesn’t know what to say anymore. But then, “Where did you know him by the way?” Suddenly he asks.
I close my eyes and press one of my cheek on the soft and comfortable pillow, searching for a right answer, “He is one of my neighbor. I keep seeing him alone in the park.” I start remember how Eunhyuk cried alone back then.
“That’s why you got interested on him” Sehun says with his thypical accent and I frown because I can’t tell it was a question or statement. So I have nothing to say except,
“Well..yes”
There is a couple of silence after I said that, I was being truthful anyway; I got interested since I kept seeing Eunhyuk so lonely and cried on the park alone. Sehun knows I am the person who has a high of curiousity level. Also I know Sehun will understand how I can’t stand to see other people being lonely since I really hate being lonely so much.
“But… Is he..blind? From the very start you know him?” Sehun says in hesitant.
I felt a little regret in the beginning, realizing how stupid I was when I couldn't tell his condition from the very start I saw him, “Yes. It made me feel like wanted to accompany him.” I reply truthfully. But wait, that...sounds wrong?
Because after that, this time Sehun sighs again. “You do have feelings for him” he says that as if he had never been sure about anything else more.
I try to convince myself he is wrong but then my last statement repeated again in my brain. That was really sounds wrong, I admit. But it's not like that. So I quickly refuse, “I’m not you, Sehun.”
“What?!” He screams.
“I’m not the person who had feelings for someone that I just knew. I’m not like you, Casanova” I bury myself deep on my pillow and start feeling sleepy a little because to be honest I'm very tired eventhough today was fun.
Sehun giggles for a moment, “Are you sure?”
I yawn before answering, “Yes, I’m sure”
“Well.. we’ll see that later.”
***
After talking with Sehun on the phone a couple nights ago, we finally decide that we will hang out tomorrow right before his bus leaving on afternoon. I don’t know what’s on his mind the night when we were on the phone, but I’m pretty surprise when Sehun said I have to bring Eunhyuk with me tomorrow. I have my eyes on him; if he wants to try to make Eunhyuk uncomfortable, I will definitely make him regret for being born.
It’s already feel like a routine to come at the park in the afternoon like this. As soon as I enter the park, I’m greeted by a thin sleeping figure under the usual tree. The thin man with a caps on his head and he is wearing a familiar sunglasses. He looks awesome. Handsome. Great. Okay I wonder why I suddenly giggle at the view. I quickened my step to approach him and sit beside him quickly without a noise.
He is not listening to music which I’m surprise. Maybe he is waiting for me.
“Eunhyuk,” I can’t wait to greet him first letting him know that I'm here already.
But he is not moving at all.
“Eunhyuk, I’m here” I duck my head closer to him.
He is still not moving.
“Eunhyuk eunhyuk eunhyuk!”
“Donghae, stop it." He snaps quitely low, "Your voice is really annoying. I know you were coming since you walked towards me” he says and I can see the wrinkle on his forehead more visible.
I can’t hold my laughter in to see him frowning like that. Even if he is wearing the caps and sunglasses, I still can see his forehead wrinkle like that. I ask him what he is doing today, but he is just answering that he is doing nothing, like usual. I start ask him another question but the feedback is really not good.
Suddenly I can feel something wrong and I’m curious to know about it.
I bit my lips and try not to being rude, so I ask in hesitant, “Eunhyuk, is there something wrong?”
He is not moving, “What?” I don't even know he keeps his eyes closed or opened. That's not really makes any different though.
I know he just looks like this everytime; quite and flat. But I just feel it is not him. He often teases me because I know deep inside him, he is playful. But he's just not good in expressing.
“You look different” I tell him honestly.
Once again, I get nothing. He is quite and doesn't answer me quickly yet he's just staring at something only he knows behind those glasses.
I sigh deeply.
“Stop acting like you know everything about me already” he suddenly anwers.
Then yeah I almost choked. I’m surprised. For suddenly the hair on the back of my neck gets all up. I can feel my body tensed up just to hear his voice and those words comes out darkly from his mouth.
He was always like that, sharp-tongue. But this time, I know he doesn't mean to kidding.
Eunhyuk seems like he can feel I suddenly tensed up due to my silence, and the wrinkle on his forehead starts fades away little by little. Instead I can see his eyebrows going down.
“S-sorry” he murmurs while trying to move his head towards me.
“It’s okay.” I chuckle bitterly.
Yeah it's always been okay. Why suddenly I feel like he doesn’t need me. Sometimes I feel that it is still only me who wants to be friend with him, meanwhile he doesn’t. That's stupid. Why am I doing all of this actually?
I play with my not-so-interesting fingers right now. I'd rather not to look at his face or else I will feel more bad for some reason. And I hate it. I'm trying to cool it down, “It's fine, I just want to ask you to hang out tomorrow afternoon, with Sehun too” I say and pretend there is nothing intense just happened.
“I’m not sure I can go” Eunhyuk shakes his head slowly before he lowers his head again. As if he was trying to hide his whole face from me.
But don't call me Lee Donghae if I give up easily. I know it's just there is something on his mind right now. Eventhough I don't know why, but someday I will make him open up to me. Nothing can stop me and my curiousity.
“I will meet you here at 3pm. To make sure just in case you change your mind.”
***
Eunhyuk’s POV
I feel really sorry for him.
I don't know, those words just came out without me knowing. I know I was too rude. But this is just because I have so much things in my mind. I’m pretty devastated right now and Donghae with his questions is just feels annoying sometimes.
“I better leave.” Donghae says after I give him nothing in respons for his proposal tomorrow at 3PM. I should say his voice is really low. Not the playful voice he always gave me. I don't know my coldness could bring such a big affection towards him.
Why have to leave so early, I wonder. Maybe not too often we did this, but I know he can stay longer in here with me like he always did before. As much as I honestly don’t want him to leave, I can’t say a single word to make him stay. So I just keep lean on the tree with my back and hear the sound of him get up from beside me.
“See you again later”
I simply said that quickly and low very suddenly. But my head doesn’t raised. He must be surprised.
I hope it’s enough to make him feel better since I was too rude a few moments ago. He finally left a playful bye which makes me think that he said that while smiling. I start follow him smiling inwardly without him knowing.
After I know he already going further and gone, I quickly realize that I’m alone again. I usually getting used with this loneliness since two years ago, but this loneliness is getting bigger somehow now. I don’t think I can handle it. Kind of tiring.
***
“We will contact you very often, okay. Take care of yourself.” Mom caresses my cheek with his soft thumb.
I just smile in respons, touching her hand to cover it with my own hand, “Sure, don’t worry” I say to assure her.
My mother pull me into her tight embrace and my back gently. She bury her head so deep on my neck to kiss my cheek after that. I feel it lovingly but I hate it at the same time. I whisper to her that I will be okay because she apperantly really worry at me being alone at home.
“The maids are here, just call her if you need something. You can call Sungmin to company you at home after we leave.” My father voice be heard as he touch my head to caresses my hair for a while. Great. Even my father do this too.
“No need, he is busy with his work I don’t want to bother him.”
He gives me a strong pat on my shoulder which is I really need more than a hug or caress. I need to be strong. I don't want them to be so worry. I used to be so strong back then, and I always will.
“We will go back soon for you, Eunhyuk. Be patience.” He says again.
“I said don’t worry. I'll be waiting.” I fake a laugh.
Oh, please. Why did they treat me like this? I don’t like it. I’m not a child anymore I can take care of myself. They're always treat me as if they reminds me that I'm suffering from disability. Just because I’m blind and I’m lonely doesn’t means I can’t survive.
They're just pity on me.
“Leave. Your plane will be leaving soon. Be careful on the way.” I smile as warm as I could eventhough my inner heart feel really cold right now.
The taxi driver is waiting while mom gives me a last tight hug and I suddenly can feel the wet tears on my shirt when she sobs. I her back softly to soothe her and it is unexpectedly works. My father gives me a soft pat caressed on my shoulder lovingly once again before they finally bid a goodbye officially.
They leave soon I heard the engine starts and the sounds gone further. I don't really remember that tonight's weather is really cold when I can feel the wind brushing against my bare arms.
The maids take my arms to help me go in my house. I really hate it for now it feels like I want to slam her hand off of me. But I know she is just want to helping me and I shouldn’t be mean to her.
And I can’t deny that I need a help.
We enter the house while the maid still take my arms tightly. “I will go to my room, I can walk by myself” I push her hand off of me slowly in manner because she is older than me. Yeah I know my own house like a back of my hand. I can do it by myself.
But soon I enter my room and close the door behind my back, the empy feeling starts peeking in again. I heard nothing but my own breath. I see nothing but black. It just feels like I'm living underground and no-freaking-one here with me. Great. My life couldn’t be more lonely. But I try not to cry again.
***
Donghae’s POV
I'm grumbling non-stop on my way out of my house when my mom command me to throw out the garbage on this cold night. I shiver when I feel the chilly winds penetrates my thick jacket and the smokes comes out from my mouth a little bit. I quickened my step.
I throw it hard in annoyance into the trash can in front of my gate and ready to run into my house again when I suddenly jolt in surprise. Someone in the dark clothes coming towards me. He wears a cap above his head which almost covers the whole face. I squint my eyes for a better vision for a while before I realize who it is.
"Eunhyuk??" I call him in hesitant, but when he stops and raises his head to reveal his face, I can't be more sure, I'm surprised, "What are you doing in the late night like this?” I walk quickly closer to him and look at his white face.
He looks clueless, “Just walking around." Like usual, I find nothing in his empty eyes. But suddenly he adds, "What are you doing and why are you here?” He asks confusedly.
I laugh genuinely before I tell him, “You just walked pass to my house”
“Did I??” His eyes widen in surprise and his jaw dropped in disbelief.
I laugh even more. He is funny when he surprised since he used to be so flat without expression. “Why are you alone? You’re not afraid you will lost?” I ask between my laugh.
Suddenly Eunhyuk pull his one side of his lips up to make a smirk, and chuckles. Bitterly. I'm already getting used with his sarcastic chuckles. He stays in silence after chuckling and I wait patiently about what he is going to say.
“Donghae… that’s really bad to lose your sight, right?”
My smile completely disappears. My eyebrows automatically frowning when I heard his low voice again not to mention he starts lowers his head that makes me disable to see his face. “Eunhyuk, what’s wrong?” I put my hand on his shoulder and ducked my face to find his eyes.
“I’m not afraid I will lost, because I already do. I feel lost…everyday.” My heart clenched in pains. Eunhyuk answers me finally to makes me surprise when I hear it comes out his mouth. I'm about to say something again but a woman's voice snaps at me.
“Donghae!! What takes you so long? The dinner is ready!”
I'm pretty surprise and annoyed in the same time while I straigthened my body to curse, “Haish. Let’s go somewhere else!” I pull Eunhyuk's hand and drag him somewhere else.
We sat on the bench in the usual park of ours. But we know it's not our spot yet we're not mind. For some reason I don't care with the chilly weather I feel earlier, it's only the person beside me all I care about at this time.
I look at the side where Eunhyuk sits in silence with his head hung low. He closes his eyes which I could barely see it because of the dark night. He looks...tired. Or upset. I don't know. I'm not good at reading situation.
“What happened, Eunhyuk?” I dare to ask gently.
“Sorry.. I was talking nonsense earlier.” It's just that all I got from him.
I sigh and lower my eyebrows before saying again to him, “You can tell me if you really need something to let out about” I'm trying hard to sounds reassured since I know he isn't the type of person who easily believe someone else's words.
And I know I'm right when he looks up a little bit, “Can I believe you for that?”
“You always can” I answers with no hesitant.
Eunhyuk inhales a deep breath before release it with a lot of smokes comes out from his mouth. He must be cold. He stays in silence and it can be a lie if I say I can get my eyes away from his figure beside me because I actually can't. He is very weird today and I'm craving to know why.
I'm waiting for him to talk.
Until finally,
"Is blind people live like me too; living in a very damn loneliness like this?" Eunhyuk plays like a stupid with his fingers. His voice steadily low that I feel like should get my ears closer if I want to hear it. I shifted my seat when he add, "How could they survive? I really want to ask them”
I dare to stare at him non-stop since I know he will never know it, “You don’t need to ask them. You can find the answer by yourself” and those words automatically came out under my control.
He is turn quite after that. I see him biting his lips as if prevent himself for crying. He fixed his hat quickly like he is restless before back to his previous position again. Stay like a statue.
I sigh hard and product a small smokes out, “Wipe away those things out of your mind, Eunhyuk. You’ll be okay. There is nothing to worry about even if you are lonely. You can handle it” I can't stand that my voice is getting sounds worry.
Eunhyuk chuckles bitterly again, “It’s easy for you to talk”
I'm starting bothered with his bitter chuckles everytime he release it. I swear I really hate that. It consists so much pain and worry in it, I can feel it. Eventhough he express it in other way.
“I’m serious." Without me knowing, my voice raised. "Do you know what I’ve been through?”
I do completely stare at Eunhyuk with all my might. I just hope he is staring at me back but that's useless. He moves his head to face me but his eyes are not able to meet mine. He is looking at some direction near my face. I don't know. Something beside my head or somewhere else except my eyes. But I don't mind since I understand his condition.
I look away from him finally at last, “My mom and dad are really love to fight almost fourth times in a whole week. I don’t have any sibling. I don’t really have a friend." My voice sounds upset which I suddenly surprise. I've never been so open to someone about my deep sadness inside me this whole time. Even Sehun. But now I do it.
I continue looking at the lonely dark sky, "But I’m getting used of it. Because I don’t let bad thoughts creep in on my mind” I tell Eunhyuk quickly.
I glance at Eunhyuk who looks like he is in a deep thoughts. It seems like he is battling with his mind to say something. “My mom and dad left to U.S this evening, Donghae. They don’t know yet when will comeback.” and yes, he finally tells me.
“But you still have your brother” I'm trying to find a positive side that at least still exist.
“He is a workaholic. He didn’t stay at home too often.”
I turn silence. But then I find a better positive side,
“You still have me. I’m not going anywhere”
He is freeze in his position.
I can't look at his face because the stupid hat he wears but I'm sure he tensed up to hear my words. But why? I'm being truthful anyway. Although actually I'm pretty surprise too why I'm being too honest at the times like this.
Eunhyuk raises his head and finally I can see his face. The pale-white-skin face of him visible along with those little eyes who doesn't blink eventhough the wind blows hard. I can't stop staring at him, I admit it.
“Can I believe you?” Eunhyuk moves his lips to asks me that.
“You already asked that, you know the answer”
I scan him around from head to toe after I'm truthfully said that. I'm busy checking on him until I don't realize that suddenly my stomach growl in unusual way but I like it. My heart beats faster than it usually does but I don't mind it. I slowly move my eyes to see his hands that still awkwardly playing with each other fingers on his lap. Then I stop there.
It’s the first time in my life when I really want to hold someone else’s hand.
But I refuse the stupid will on my mind.
I'm back to his face and try to calm my mind, “Just come with me and Sehun tomorrow. Okay?”
***
thanks for reading and comment
[TSD-01/02] 2nd January!! Happy Anniversary to this story lol although I don't update this often. Sorry! I'll comeback soon!
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