23^rd December, 2012

Kim Jonghyun

It was a bright day that day. The sun stood high on the baby blue sky, though a hand of frost had embraced the city.

The white trees stood frozen, the branches decked with a thin layer of snow. Where the water once had dripped from the trees now formed beautiful icicles, looking like sharp swords ready to fight everything.

If only they could fight cancer.

Despite the layer of wool hugging my hands, my fingers still felt like they were already dead long ago. The coldness had eaten them up, making them itch with frost.

I tightened them around the metal bar, and kept pushing the wheel chair. The ice under my feet made me stumble around and teased my balance.

Jae Mi was sitting in the wheel chair, wrapped tightly in several blankets. She had covered her entire body, except small parts of her face, with the blankets to keep the cool from coming.

Jae Mi was no longer capable of even walking, but we still wanted to celebrate Christmas like everybody else. So today we had our first ‘real’ Christmas outing together.

Jae Mi was quietly singing in the chair, making my heart flutter with joy. She had somehow managed to put our relationship a way that I was the one who always sang.

I never really told Jae Mi, but I was forever grateful because she made me sing. I had spent all my life in denial over how much I enjoyed singing, but the past time had really made me realize how much I loved it.

Singing, just music itself, was a way to express things that speaking and actions wasn’t capable of doing. Music was a like a fine piece of art, and first now I wondered why I had spent so much time ignoring it.

Jae Mi’s voice was fine and delicate. She gently skipped past the advanced parts and swiftly avoided all the tones. But her voice was so cute and sweet.

“Stop here”, Jae Mi said, as we approached a small bench, facing the busy shopping street. I swiftly parked the chair and lifted Jae Mi up so she sat in my lap.

At first we just sat quietly next to each other, watching the bypassing people. When the silence had become even more comfortable than the talking, you knew that you really knew each other inside out. It was like I didn’t even need to ask what Jae Mi thought anymore because I already knew.

The seething mass of people was rushing by, only to new ones to come. The street was packed with people, ruthlessly pushing strangers aside just to get faster forward. Loud Christmas music was blasting from the stores, making it all look even busier.

One the sideline small quires of schoolgirls tried to recreate the relaxed Christmas mood that occurred in the first of December, before the stress caught everybody. But people ignored them and some even tried to push them away to.

They ran from store to store, almost tripping over each other in the passing. They sales clerks still tried to remain polite and keep their exaggerated smiles upon their faces, but they couldn’t avoid sighing with frustration and wishing the day soon was over.

I watched Jae Mi as she disappointedly shook her head and sighed. I smiled a wry smile. I knew perfectly well how stuff like this annoyed Jae Mi; people wasting their life on something ridiculous, just like I used to do.

“Damn, how they hurry”, Jae Mi muttered, irritated. “It’s kind of depressing to watch, actually.”

Jae Mi made a sweeping gesture towards the busy crowd. “It’s so ridiculous. They spend all their time trying to catch up with their life, when in the meantime they don’t realize they’re passing right by.”

Jae Mi continued her rant, not even noticing my amused grin. She was so cute like that, completely upset about something than she really had meaning in worrying about.

“You know, John Lennon once said that life is what happens to you, when you’re busy making other plans. But how on earth are they even going to notice that with all of those damn plans happening?”

“But after all this, work is the stupidest thing. They work to gain money; money for when they get old. But what are they even going to do when they are old, that’s so important? Why can’t they just live in the moment?”

“Look.” Jae Mi discretely pointed to a middle aged woman. She was rushing out of a toy store with multiply shopping bags in her hands. A deep frown was covering her face. “She probably just bought all of those gifts for her children, right?”

Jae Mi let out a light snort. “It’s funny right. How she thinks that she can buy their love with gifts, while her children just want to spend some time with their mum. Yes, they might look amazingly happy the second they open the gift and see that huge teddy she probably just bought, but by time it’s not the teddy they want to be with.”

Jae Mi nodded towards the woman. “It’s her.”

I smiled and nodded, and a bullet of sadness hit my chest. “If only…” I murmured to myself. If only I could have children with Jae Mi and raise them without all the hurry.

I didn’t realize Jae Mi had stopped speaking and was looking at me. I suddenly felt guilty for thinking negative thoughts. We agreed that we wouldn’t waste our time on that anymore.

To chance the subject away from the dark, I blurted what was on my mind. “Even though this is kind of out of place, I still want to give you a gift. What do you want for Christmas?”

Jae Mi furrowed her eyebrows at me, though a she also smiled a bit. “Did you not listen at all?”

I hurriedly nodded by head and awkwardly grinned at her. “Yes, I did. But you’re not going to go through Christmas Eve without a gift from me, understood?”

Jae Mi chuckled and held my hand. “Does that mean you didn’t even buy it yet? There’s like 1 day left.”

I teasingly raised by brows at Jae Mi. Of course I bought her a present already but she didn’t need to know that. “Are you telling me to join the crowd and start to hurry up?”

Jae Mi smiled but shook her head. “No, Christmas Eve with you is enough for me. I really don’t need any present.”

I ignored her little cheesy statement, because now the curiosity had a good grip in me. “Do you have a present for me?” I asked like the little kid I was.

Jae Mi laughed a warm laugh that seemed to heat up the coldness surrounding us. “Of course.”

My eyes widened and a giant smile spread across my lips. “What is it then?”

Jae Mi smiled a little. “It’s something that will change your life forever.”

I raised my brows. “That’s surely big words for a present. Aren’t you exaggerating just a tad?”

Jae Mi nodded. “Yeah, I am”, she said.

She didn’t seem to mean it though.