Lee Jae Mi

The angst caught me with an evil tug in my mind. It entered me and reigned over my thoughts and body like no one else was able to.

Death was a foggy shadow, constantly waiting around the corner to catch me; blurred yet so clear. It was in everything I did.

“Is this the last time I’m going to do this?” wasn’t a rare thought anymore. Just before the last blink at night, I wondered if I ever would wake up again. Would I ever see the morning light beam in my window and hear my parents rummaging on the lower floor? Would I see Jonghyun wave at me from the bus, holding a seat for me?

I didn’t know. I couldn’t know. I had the whole world in front of me but wasn’t here long enough to reach it.

I was standing on the edge of the edge. One wrong step from my side and death would forever have the power over me.

The fear snuck into me from above. Stealthily creeping in when it was the most unexpected. It travelled through my body with the speed of an avalanche.

Only within seconds it had the full power over me; my body, my thoughts, my actions. Everything. I was out of control.

It caught me with a big, firm grip and pulled me into the darkness. I tried to shut it out by curling my body into a tiny ball but my fetal position turned fragile and made me even more vulnerable.

The walls I put up were nothing against the fear. All it took was a light blow of worries and the wall immediately crashed down.

My body sent out steady jerks, my mind whirled into a chaos of panic, my words turned mute.

I saw myself in a blur from above. I could see me sitting there, shaking and acting like a mad person. The worried looks from the people surrounding me, trying to calm me down to no matter.

No one knew what to do with me. The strangers sent me to my parents, my parents sent me to the doctor and the doctor had no cure.

Only Jonghyun could heal my bruises. He calmed me down, even just for a short while. He was the only one that could prevent the avalanche of fear to turn me into a wreck.

Jonghyun never said anything. Without a word, he pulled me into a tight embrace and rocked me in a steady rhythm. Softly, he hummed soft melodies into my ear.

His voice haunted away the worries, scared the fear away and lighted up the darkness.

“Remember, that I love you”, he’d whisper. No medicine had the effect on me like Jonghyun had.

He was my savior.

3^rd December, 2012

Kim Jonghyun

The Christmas had settled. Light chains decked the top of the streets with people hurrying around beneath. They ran from one shop to another, barely catching up with the Christmas presents they had to buy.

Inside of the shops, happy holiday music blasted out of the speakers, covered with festoons. “Last Christmas” was played for the 20^th time that day, but people still hummed along, revealing their voices to the public.

The sales clerks wrapped up the presents in bright colored paper, Santa and reindeers stamped all over it. Thousands of gifts were passed over the counters, delivered together with a bright smile.

People were vomiting from all the sweets but they still had room for just one more, right? The smell of freshly baked cookies were covering the streets, both the outside and inside.

“Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells rock…” The small school girls chimed in with each other, turning the words into a happy little song.

The elders smiled and clapped their hands. The coins were gently dumped into the small cotton bag in front of the quire, leaving big grins on the girl’s faces.  “Thank you for giving the poor a happy Christmas too”, they said and bowed.

The cold frosty air were warmed up by the strangers exchanged smiles and kind gestures. The sparks of happiness blissed up your youthfulness, and going through December without a smile seemed impossible.

An aroma of cookies embraced me as soon as I stepped into Jae Mi’s house. I knocked a couple of times on the door but no one responded. Politely, I placed my shoes in the hallways and peeked into the kitchen.

Multiply chocolate chip cookies were aligned on roasting pans, still not packed into their jars yet. I snatched one; knowing Jae Mi’s mum would be okay with it.

A little note on the kitchen counter told me that Jae Mi’s parents were out Christmas shopping. Jae Mi was in her room, waiting for me.

I locked the door after me and ran up the stairs to her bedroom. “Jae Mi?” I called, opening the door to her room.

At first sight it might have looked like Jae Mi was sleeping. She lied on her bed, still with bed hair. Her body was placed in an uncomfortable position, her eyes wide open.

“Sweetie?” I sat on the edge of her bed and her cheek as I approached her. “Are you awake?”

Jae Mi turned her head and looked up at me, with scared eyes. She was the opposite of the Christmas outside and her face was pale. The fear was easily read on her face.

“J-Jonghyun”, she stuttered, her words trembling.

She looked down at her body. “I can’t get up. I have been trying for a quarter now.”

I furrowed my eyebrows. “What do you mean you can’t get up?”

Jae Mi burst into tears. They gushed out like a waterfall and she hid her face in my chest. “I can’t rise from my bed. I have been trying for an hour…”

“Eh…” I stood up and tried to move her legs. “Can you feel this?” I asked her. I was completely lost and I had no clue on how to react on this.

She nodded. “Yes, I can move them. I just, every time I stand up, my legs just collapse under me.”

I managed to get her up sitting on the edge of the bed and wrapped her arms around my body. “Try, with my help. Maybe it’s just because you haven’t moved for a long time. Or maybe you need water”, I suggested. “Sometimes I get this messy feeling too, if I have forgotten to drink.”

Jae Mi didn’t say anything. All this time, she knew something I didn’t.

“Come on”, I said. I lifted her body up and tried to make her stand up straight. All of her weight immediately fell on me and I almost stumbled backwards.

Luckily I caught her before we both fell onto the floor. Jae Mi found a moment of rest in my arms and stood stable.

“Try to walk.” I let go of her arms and left her too herself. Jae Mi looked at me and sent me a small smile as she didn’t fall.

She took a careful step and stopped. She looked at me then down at her legs. They shook violently under her. Before I could catch her, she collapsed on the floor.

She landed with a loud thumb and I ran to her. “Are you okay?” I asked and kneeled down beside her. She nodded, trying to hide her tears.

I looked away, a tear escaping my eye too. It was too much now. Everyone was happy, it was Christmas, besides Jae Mi.

She was a wreck. I found her crying, shaking and sending me white lies about the reasons. I tried to just be there for her. I tried to chase away her demons and make her feel safe, but every warrior needs a reason to fight.

It tore my heart apart, every time Jae Mi hurt without I was able to comfort her. Jae Mi was scared; terrified about something I couldn’t fight. It wouldn’t drift away with time; it wouldn’t pass like the seasons. It had settled in Jae Mi.

Christmas has finally arrived in this story, hehe :)