5^th December, 2012

Kim Jonghyun

Originally I had come to Jae Mi’s house to see her as always. I had walked in and placed my shoes in the hallway as usual. But I was stopped by Jae Mi confronting her parents in the kitchen.

I didn’t mean to peak, I really didn’t. But Mrs. Lee’s words had me frozen. I couldn’t move away or make a notice of myself.

“Are you still sure that Jonghyun shouldn’t know about this?” She asked Jae Mi.

Her parent’s faces were filled with aging signs, and they had only increased lately. Especially Jae Mi’s mum looked old. A deep frown had settled between her brows and her eyes looked so empty.

Jae Mi let her gaze fall to the kitchen table and slowly traced up the small circles in the wood with her finger. She nodded quietly, not meeting her parent’s worried eyes.

Mr. Lee laid his big hand on top of Jae Mi’s delicate fingers and tried to make her listen. “But Jae Mi, this is such a big part of your life.”

He paused and caught her eyes. “But Jonghyun is too. He’s a good man and I’m sure he will understand. It’s going to be hard for both of you but honestly isn’t this harder?”

I let my eyes travel around in the room, exploring their faces. What was this? What wasn’t Jae Mi telling me?

Her mum spoke with a softer voice. “As much as it hurts, you have to February if you’re lucky. Even though it still tears us apart, we have had since you were ten to get used to the thought. How do you think Jonghyun would feel if one day his girlfriend was just gone and never came back?”

“What?” I mumbled, lower than they could hear. My heartbeat fastened and my fingers began to unconsciously twitch.

 Jae Mi’s looked up at her parents, with tears lined up in the corners of her eyes. “But… What if he won’t understand? I can’t just push him into something like this. Cancer is not just something to tell that easily.”

“Cancer?” All of the three turned their heads towards me, and Mr. and Mrs. Lee gasped when they saw me. Jae Mi’s mouth dropped open.

I raised my voice and stepped into the kitchen. “What is this? Where are you going in February and what about cancer? What’s going on?”

My voice was desperate and I was on the edge of tears. I was so confused.

No one’s point of view

Jae Mi hurriedly got up and led Jonghyun outside. She turned around a while away from her house.

 “Do you really love me?” she asked him, though he had told him a thousand times before.

He hesitated once. A minute ago he would have sworn yes without thinking twice. But what did he agree to by telling her yes? “Y-yes, I do”, Jonghyun finally spoke, his words turning into stutters.

Jae Mi looked down. “I hope you do”, she murmured lowly. Love was the only hope left for a miracle happening and making this situation pass without leaving hurtful bruises behind.

“Jonghyun. There’s something that I haven’t told you.” The night sky above us reflected in her eyes, as she took one step closer to him.

She was quiet before she was about to tell the truth. In that moment, she just wished that she could turn time back a few weeks and then make it stop going forward.

She wished that Jonghyun and her could have stayed on that beach forever; living their life in a happy bubble, isolated from the rest of the world; the world with worries, heartbreaks, lies, truths and death. On that beach only Jonghyun and Jae Mi existed.

But every bubble has to burst, and Jae Mi realized that she couldn’t away this moment of truth. No matter how many times she pushed it away, it would still hunt her down in the end.

Maybe if she told it as fast as possible it would hurt less. Like taking of a plaster; fast and painless.

“I have cancer”, she said. Her voice was fast, and she almost tripped over the words. “I have had it since I was ten. As a child, I didn’t really understand fully what it was, I think. It came during the winter. I considered it ordinary since all the other kids also started to cough and got fever. But… As the spring came, the other children went out on the streets again. They ran around and laughed while I still was captured inside in this big, white room of mine. I watched them every day from the window and wished to be like them soon again. But soon enough I realized that my flue wasn’t going to pass like the other’s. It wasn’t just a silly cold; it had come to stay in my body.”

The cold winter air surrounded them on the street. The joy of Christmas flew around in the air but it never really reached the confronting couple.

Jonghyun was surprisingly cold in the moment. The news never really reached him, and it all felt like a blurred nightmare.

Jonghyun eyes fell on Jae Mi’s peacefully falling hair and asked Jae Mi the first obvious question. “If you have cancer, then aren’t you supposed to… You know…”

His words faded out as he wondered if the question was appropriate. Could you even ask something like that without being rude?

But Jae Mi knew what he was talking about and answered the question. “Yes, I have spent a lot of time having a bald head. The other kids used to mock me about it, so I tried to hide it under a wig. But then, a few years ago, we decided that we didn’t want to push me through more therapy and treatments. It wasn’t because I gave up fighting and let the cancer win. I just believe that if the miracle is really meant to happen, chemotherapy isn’t going to make a difference. Only He can decide if I am meant to stay here.”

Jae Mi let her hands find her hair and fiddled it between her fingers. “So I have it now.”

Jonghyun stared at Jae Mi in a state of chock. He couldn’t get the words to slip over his lips but he had no idea what he was supposed to say anyway.

Jae Mi tried to fight the tears from breaking through. She didn’t want to seem weak. She knew she should stop talking, give Jonghyun some time to think. But as bits of the truth already had slipped over her lips, she couldn’t stop the words from falling over her lips.

 “Jonghyun, I am so sorry for all of this. I never meant for this to happen. Honestly… the only reason I first sat next to you in that bus, three months ago, was to make you sing. I couldn’t stand that you would keep something so beautiful away from the rest of the world. Mr. Kim asked me first. I said no, because I thought you were just another bad boy. With time I realized that you were everything besides that. With time, I came to really love you.”

The tears had broken through the cracks and were now streaming down her cheeks. Jae Mi wished that she could just do it all over. Why couldn’t she just have told Jonghyun the truth from the start instead of this?

Jonghyun was shaking his head. “No, no, no”, he whispered. “This is not the reality. You’re lying to me. This is some sort of messed up joke that’s very far from being funny.”

Jae Mi shook her head. “No Jonghyun —”

Jonghyun interrupted her. ”Stop lying to me, Jae Mi. Stop these lies, they hurt.” His voice was balancing between the state of persistent and insecure.

“Jonghyun, I’m not playing games with you. I really wish I was, but this is reality. I only have three months left.”

Jonghyun looked at her with blaming eyes. “Why are you doing this?” he wanted to know. His voice had turned hard and cold.

“What?” Jae Mi asked with a weak voice. She lifted her eyes and met his angry eyes.

“Why are you taking the joy away from me? Why are you pooping my bubble of happiness so cruelly?” Jonghyun looked down, trying to hide the tears. “Why couldn’t you just let me live my life?”

Jae Mi’s heart felt as it had been crumbled into a painful ball, beaten till it couldn’t bleed no more, and then smashed onto the ground.

The water wetted her skin as she spoke. “I’m sorry, Jonghyun. I’m sorry for dragging you into this, I’m sorry for keeping you in a lie. I should have told you before. I didn’t mean to do this. I never meant for you to love me. This is my entire fault.”

Jonghyun was crying too. He didn’t mean to but once the first tear had escaped his eyes, he just couldn’t stop them from falling.

“Jonghyun”, Jae Mi begged with a soft voice. “Please forgive me. Please let us go through this together.”

Jonghyun’s deep eyes stared into hers for a long time. For a brief moment, Jae Mi actually believed that he was going to stay. But he was so confused. His head quivered and his fingers shook.

In such short time, everything he was sure on had been tugged away from him.

He shook his head. “I-I’m sorry, Jae Mi.” He stumbled some steps backwards, his eyes darting around, not able to find rest. He felt too betrayed to even look at Jae Mi.

“Jonghyun!” Jae Mi cried and tried to stop him.

“I can’t”, he whispered. He sent her a painful look and softly pecked her forehead a last time. “Sorry.”

Before Jae Mi could do anything, Jonghyun had disappeared into the forest and left Jae Mi alone on the street, that cold December night.

Well this is just plain awful... Sorry.