(A/N: Um. I just wanted to say that Jae Mi is dead. Last chapter seem to have left some confusion.. It was more of his imagination or whatever you call it. Maybe a dust of Christmas magic, haha. But yeah, dead.)

30^th February, 2013

No one’s point of view

The vague sound of feet coming nearer was heard. The silhouette turned clear as the man approached them. He was all the same and yet so different.

His tawny hair was still messily covering his eyes; the eyes that before used to smile. Now a smile only seemed like forced twitches, pulling his face into a grimace he hadn’t done for months.

He walked with his head pointing the ground. His arms were lifelessly dangling by his side as his feet walked him across the lane.

His wore a suit for the occasion but even the suit was different. It was the same suit, it was just the way he wore it. It was creased and his tie wasn’t done properly. He wore the suit like it was a trivial cloth, somehow managing to cling to his body.

“He came”, the elder lady whispered to her husband, slightly surprised. They hadn’t heard from the young man since the funeral. He had shut himself up in the past months, shutting everyone out.

But the husband standing by her side nodded. “I told you so”, he confidently said. “He’s a good boy after all.”

Mrs. Lee nodded and sent the young man a polite smile as he finally approached the memorial ceremony for the people that lost their life to cancer the past year.

“Hello Jonghyun”, Mr. Lee said as he reached his hand forward for Jonghyun to shake.

Jonghyun nodded at Jae Mi’s dad. “Hello Sir.” Jonghyun’s voice was dead and his face was cleaned for emotions.

Mrs. Lee pulled Jonghyun in for a half-hearted hug and they swiftly pulled away after. Jae Mi’s mum patted Jonghyun’s shoulder.

“How are you?” She asked, searching for a hint of Jonghyun’s feelings on his nonchalant surface.

Jonghyun shook his shoulders. “I’m fine”, he lied.

Mrs. Lee nodded, though she knew the truth very well. Jonghyun’s dad had even called her up, asking how he should handle Jonghyun’s state. He had locked himself up in his room, not wanting to talk to anybody. Not even Jinki.

Mr. Lee nodded towards the building. “Let’s go in, shall we?”

The two others nodded and followed the leading man into the building. Everybody was already in their seats so they hurried and took their places.

The lady standing in the front of the room sent the three late people a strict look. She cleared with an annoyed expression. “Since everybody’s here now”, she glared one last time, “let’s start.”

“First, let’s sing song number one”, she said. People started to sing half-hearted while the lady at the front sung on the top of her lungs, missing every note.

Mrs. Lee looked at Jonghyun from the corners of her eyes, watching him stare into the emptiness, like he wasn’t even present.

Mrs. Lee felt a pang of worry hit her chest as she watched the young, lost boy. He was way too young to experience something like this. She blamed herself for not stopping this earlier.

The song finished, and the lady started ranting about how cancer took the lives of their loved ones and how they should deal with it together.

Jonghyun remained still and stared into the emptiness. Jae Mi’s parents kept secretly guarding over him, worried how he might react by the memorial part of the ceremony.

“And now I would like to read the names of the dear ones we lost the past year due to cancer”, the lady said. She gathered her paper and started to read. After each name the lady said a little about the person.

As she continued to speak she slowly approached the name Jae Mi’s parents feared the most. “Lee Jae Mi”, the lady said.

Jonghyun stiffened and was suddenly called back to the earth. It was obvious he hadn’t really been present during the whole thing, but suddenly his hands started to shake and his eyes flickered around.

“Jae Mi was just young when she first got diagnosed with cancer”, the lady started. Mrs. Lee spotted Jonghyun’s anxiety and laid a calming hand on his shoulder, but it only seemed to burn against Jonghyun clothes.

“Jae Mi-ssi was a wonderful young lady and she was extremely gifted with her piano talent. She could capture even the coldest person with her music. Jae Mi—”

It all became too much for Jonghyun. He had to get out of there. He couldn’t stand that lady, talking about his Jae Mi like she even had known her. It was too much.

He brushed Mrs. Lee’s hand of his shoulder and stood up. People around turned their gazes to Jonghyun with confusion. “Sorry”, he lowly murmured and rushed out of the building.

As the heavy door slammed shut, it left a bald silence in the room. The lady that read stood confused by the front and tried to keep people quiet.

Mr. Lee looked at Mrs. Lee and nodded at her. “You need to give it to him now”, he whispered. Jae Mi’s mum nodded and stood up. She hurried out of the room before Jonghyun could disappear.

“Jonghyun wait!” She panted. She ran all she could to keep up with Jonghyun’s fast steps, but her fitness wasn’t as young any longer.

But by Mrs. Lee’s words, Jonghyun stopped. She was just a lady that tried to be nice to him. He couldn’t bear to see her hurt.

“What is it?” Jonghyun asked her with the same cold voice as before. Nobody had seen the hint of Jonghyun’s true feelings since the funeral. He had shut down.

Mrs. Lee found the crumbled letter in her pocket and handed it to him. Jonghyun turned the paper in his hands and looked at Mrs. Lee. “What is this?”

Jae Mi’s mum struggled to catch her breath. “I know I should have given it to you earlier but I wanted you to be ready. But in your condition I think it’s important to read it.”

“You didn’t tell me what it was”, Jonghyun muttered as he started to know. Jae Mi’s mum didn’t answer but patted his shoulder once before she walked back to the building.

Jonghyun hesitated once before he folded the paper out.

Dear Jonghyun.                                                                                                                                                                     ^{Dec. 2012}

I don’t know what you are doing when you read this. I don’t know what date is it, what year it is. How long did I last? Neither do I know how you feel. I do know how I hope you are feeling though.

I hope it’s at least spring when you read this. I know I’m being naïve but I have heard of people who get an extra boost of energy before they left. If I get to experience that, I also want to experience spring with you.

I want to see the flowers bloom as we walk among them. I’m walking beside you, holding your hand. The warm breeze of air tickling our faces, making your hair messy.

However, these past months have been the best of my life. I wouldn’t want to exchange it for anything else, not even getting rid of cancer. You have given me feelings I never thought I was going to experience.

When I look back today, I smile as the feelings stumble back into me. The feeling of butterflies fluttering inside me when you let your eyes rest a little while longer on me than normally. How I crazily smiled at my cellphone because you wrote something dorky. You and your stupid pick-up lines. The only thing more stupid than your pick-up lines is how I fell for them every time.

 I also remember all the hard times. I believe we have gone through more in these 3 months than some couples even experience in all their time together.

I remember the first time you tried to kiss me in that bus-stop. I just turned around and ran away. I like to believe I did it because I wanted to protect you from me, but I can’t deny how scared I was. I was so scared of being hurt and end up regretting it all. I first now realize that fear and regret is what makes humans so stupid. Imagine what would happen in our lives if we just grabbed every by-passing opportunity.

I remember how I kept my cancer from you all that time. I really believed that I was doing you a favor but I know that I did the complete opposite. I just couldn’t imagine that you could possibly care so much for me that you would be willing to fight against something so dull.

I’m making it all sound like a fairytale like that, right? I know that you doubted when I told you. You hid from me for days, which I understand completely. Fortunately you came back to me and I can never thank you enough for that.

It’s not that I’m saying we are unlucky or weak, because the things we have gone through together have made us stronger together. It’s like I don’t even need to talk before you know what I’m about to say. You know when to make me laugh, you know when to keep quiet, you knew I want a kiss and you know when I just need somebody to hold me.

I love you, Jonghyun. I love you so much that it can’t be expressed on this white paper. It’s quite stupid how I can love a person this much when I just met you in September. But it’s like our relationship has taken a trip into the future and made us that close.

But as I say how much I love you, I also want to remind you. One day I’m going to be gone. Please continue to live your life. Please.

When I’m gone I don’t want anybody to hurt. I know I’m ridiculous but please just try. I have had a good life and I’m thankful for it - especially you, Jonghyun, has made my life complete.

By that said, I know you well enough to know that you’re not going to obey me. If you really do, I’d like to consider that my Christmas miracle.

But please, Jonghyun, don’t isolate yourself from the world. There is people that there’s there for you; people that love you. By reading this you know who they are. Jinki will always be there, you father really loves you, and even my parents are ready to stand up for you. I’m sure you have some people to put on the list yourself. Don’t push them away.

And when you’re over me - because I know you will be one day - get yourself a wife and a family. It might sound ridiculous to you, but I know love will find you again someday. Promise to grab the opportunity and live.

As I’m writing this it really hurts. I’m not going to lie. It hurts that I know that I’m not the one to give you a family and grow old with you. But I know I will hurt even more if you shut yourself down.

I don’t want you to forget what we had. But I want you to take the best of us and bring it along with you on the road you’re walking. Use it as knowledge that will help you become stronger.

I love you, Jonghyun. I love you with all of my heart, every inch of my body, from the tip of my toes all the way to my fingers. I love you in every corner of my mind, with every one of my blood veins.

I love you.

Jae Mi.

As Jonghyun finished the letter the tears were streaming down his face. Jae Mi’s words had pushed a button that nobody else had been able to reach for months. Finally the gathered emotions welled out of him.

And finally he realized he hadn’t kept his promise to Jae Mi one bit.