24^th December, 2012

Lee Jae Mi

As I bent down to my knees, I reached under the Christmas three and placed the tiny gift. I sent the small present a small smile and managed to get up on her legs again.

But as I stood, I suddenly felt everything getting blurry. Like a mist had overtaken the room and eaten all light, yet it was still so light.

My body staggered and my legs betrayed under me. I was quite sure I fell on the floor at some point, yet the landing seemed so soft that it couldn’t possibly be it. But where the place then was, I wasn’t sure.  

The fog was now erased by a layer of cotton. A thick, isolating layer of wool wrapped around me. Not like the comforting, soft way, but as a choking overcoat that made everything seem so distant.

The bright light faded and twirled around, mixing a million colors. Winter changed to summer, spring to fall. A million flowers bloomed as the rain poured down from heaven, snowflakes accompanying them, the sun still standing high on heaven.

A flood of people suddenly poured out from nothing, making the chaos crowded but somehow so empty. A feeling of loneliness flushed over me but just then someone grabbed my hand. As I turned to look it was gone.

In an instant everything was gone. The people, rain, flowers; everything had disappeared. As I thought it all had ended, I suddenly found Jonghyun staring at me.

My fingers were running over the piano keys, unable to stop myself from playing. Jonghyun’s stare was weird and creepy, yet so handsome. “I’m nothing like my brother”, he said with a strong and stubborn voice, I only now, months later, knew hid insecurity and a hurting past.

The scene faded away, and I suddenly found Jonghyun waving a feminine, formal wave at me. “Watch out, there’s a brill coming”, he smirked. Seconds after, as the paper dart flew through the air, he sent me a satisfied, crooked smile. “Ace.”

I found myself speaking, as the bus-stop around us made the scene. “It was really sweet of you to wait for me”, I said with a voice that desperately tried to comfort Jonghyun, who was standing in front of me, wearing a regretting expression. His face softened by my words and he looked up with a dancing gaze. “You think?” In a swift move, it seemed that he gained back his confidence, and intertwined our fingers. “Since the busses stopped driving, I’ll walk you home. Your boyfriend will allow this, right?” Yet again, my mouth spoke without my mind being prepared. “My boyfriend is very easy to be around.”

As Jonghyun’s face got nearer mine, he stopped. “Say you love me, please.” “I love you”, I nervously said. Jonghyun’s subtly fingers lifted up my chin, making our noses touch. “Promise?” He asked. “I promise.” Our lips found each other as the stars shone above us.

Jonghyun moved closer to my body. “I’m not scared”, he said. “I’m not scared of anything.” His voice told me his dreams about the future and he asked me what I wanted. I turned to him with a bittersweet taste in my mouth. “All I want is a future with you.”

“Jae Mi”, Jonghyun said with a confident voice. “I will not let you walk this lonely road alone. In all of this chilliness, you’ll need a hand to warm yours.” Jonghyun leant closer. “I’ll be that hand. I love you.”

We lied in the snow, our bodies warming each other. Jonghyun looked at me with teary eyes. “Even if the magic won’t happen, you will always be my Christmas miracle.”

 I wasn’t sure if all of this really just happened or if I at some point had closed my eyes. My mind was whirl though I felt relaxed and calm.

As the last memory faded whiteness took over. The light was so sharp, yet it didn’t burn my eyes.

Suddenly everything seemed to connect. The light, the memories, the feeling of helplessness. And I realized that I was so close to lose what I loved. All hope was now gone.

A tear rolled down my cheek and I tried to wipe it away. But nothing happened, except the cotton wool gradually hugged me even tighter, blanking everything out.

Somewhere far off, I heard a door close and the sound of a person entering the room. He was singing a Christmas song, and even through the layers I could easily tell who it was.

 A sudden feeling of peace overtook my body and suddenly I had never felt more relaxed, more joyful. I knew that I had done what I was meant to do in this life.

As I drifted through the fluffy clouds of peace the music seemed to get closer. His voice turned stronger, louder. I finally gave myself over to the music and let myself flow.

“Jae Mi.”

His voice indicated paradise and I smiled to myself. If that was his voice saying my name I must have reached heaven by now.

His voice started singing strongly, desperately. He sang as his voice seemed to cry.

I smiled and I think it reached my lips, if not at least my heart. One thought only rummaged in my mind.

My mission was complete. I made him sing.

Kim Jonghyun

I opened the front door and was met by a strange feeling of silence. A sudden emptiness that couldn’t be described.

The entire room felt so wide and empty. The white walls turned everything into a cruel silence. Only the Christmas three in the middle still stood as before.

Something had changed. Something had disappeared, making it all turned meaningless.

Instantly, a thought flickered across my mind, enough to make me panic. “Jae Mi?”

As no answer came, I dropped everything I had in my hands on the floor and started to search the house.

“Jae Mi!?” My voice was cracking with fear. It couldn’t be. I couldn’t end like this. I needed time. I needed to tell her so much more, I needed to kiss her a million times more; I needed forever to last way longer than this.

My hands shook as I stumbled through the rooms. I called out her name but I was only met by silence. “Please”, I begged, “Just a little more time.”

As I exited the last room, my tracks stopped immediately. My eyes found the girl lying under the Christmas tree. I blinked, wishing the image would disappear; that it wouldn’t be reality.

In an instant, I rushed to her side and bent down on my knees. I hardly shook her body and slapped her skin to make her wake. “Jae Mi!” I cried out.

As I shook her body I became aware that her body was limp; so limp that she couldn’t possibly be awake any longer.

She was cold and had turned white, the blood no longer pumping beneath her skin. I pulled her into my arms, desperately trying to transfer some of my warmth to her body.

“Jae Mi”, I begged. It was just like holding a rag doll, no warmth, no movement, not anything, just a body.

I started singing, hoping she would come back to me like she did all the other nights. When she heard my voice she would open my eyes and get out of this state she was in.

But nothing happened. No matter how loud, how passionately I sang for her, her eyes remained closed.

As the realization hit me I moved into a state of chock.

She was no longer here. She was dead. Her soul had left this world. She would no longer smile, no longer kiss me, no longer talk about the hurrying strangers. She would be forever silent.

It was over. My Christmas carol was over now. All that was left was this limp body in my lap, claiming to be the afterpieces of the woman I loved.

My throat had turned into a knot and a bulge of tears was just under the surface but they never came. I had cried so much with Jae Mi, fearing the future happening that was going to tear us apart forever.

Now that it was here it all seemed too unreal. The moment was too sad to even be understood.

I couldn’t cry.

I rocked the girl of my dreams for hours. From side to side and occasionally kissed her blue lips. If this really was a true Christmas carol she would open her eyes again as our lips met. She would kiss me back and grab my hand.

But I guess it never was a fairytale in first place.

Gently, I laid Jae Mi back on the wood floor, as a tiny box caught the corner of my eyes. I slowly got up and felt my sore legs stagger beneath me.

I reached out and took the red gift in my hands. A small, sad smile managed to crack through the surface as I read the little card attached the gift.

“To Jonghyun oppa”, it read.

Surely, she had expected us to celebrate Christmas Eve together. Everyone had. It was first supposed to be in February. Now, what was I doing here in December, alone?

Still with eyes dry, in the state of chock and denial, I opened the gift. A little small paper fell out of the gift.

I unfolded it and read it with furrowed eyebrows. Slowly, as reality hit me, my eyebrows raised in chock.

“Accepted to Seoul Academy of Music?”

Instantly, the thoughts rummaged through my mind. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t just betray my father like this. I promise to inherit his company, I couldn’t let him down.

Then my eyes spotted the signature in the bottom of the page. I ran my fingers over my dad’s signature, almost to check if it really was real.

Suddenly, I became aware; I became aware that I had to do this. I wanted this, Jae Mi wanted this and now my father wanted it too. If not for myself for Jae Mi.

This was now my destiny. Half of my soul had disappeared  and it felt like that little piece of paper was the only thing left of her.

But I knew that as soon as I sang I could reach her. I could tell her how much I loved her without sounding crazy. I could kiss her lips with words.

I could finally love her forever. Through my music.

I went back to Jae Mi and brushed a fallen strand of hair out of her face. I let my hands rest on her cold skin as I bent down over her.

Slowly, I kissed her ice blue lips. I let my lips move as she could feel a thing. My fingers ran down her cheeks as I let all my love flow to her.

“Goodbye Jae Mi”, I whispered, the tears finally breaking through. I let them drip off my face, making Jae Mi’s frozen skin wet.

And in that moment, I heard something. I heard something that people will tell me I’m crazy for believing. They will tell me I’m just imagining it, that’s it was myself.

But I will remain utterly sure that I heard her whisper three small words.

“I love you.”

I think this could possibly be the hardest chapter of all. Death was really tough describing since I have no experience, but turned out Jonghyun’s reaction became even harder… Well… Not a masterpiece but…