December, 2012

Kim Jonghyun

She got weak; weaker than the vague memory where we - or at least I- had no worries. The last time I remembered not having worries was that one night with the red wine. The memory was embraced in a glow of glory, and I missed the feeling of being untouchable.

If only we had stayed that way.

She got pale; paler than the thin layer of snow, decking the grass outside. Under her before so lively eyes big, tired bags had appeared. She tried to smile, she really did. It just never really happened as naturally as it was meant to.

Some days she had trouble even standing on her legs. They would shake under her, making her look like a foal standing up for the first time.

Even though we tried to ignore it, it stood as clear as it was written in blinking neon lights. Her last days were near and there was nothing we could do about it.

I had no choice but to sit back and watch her glow slowly disappear and it killed me.

I didn’t believe in God or any other power to be above us. The world was too cruel for such thing. I never even considered in believing in Him. There was no way I would let such fool into my life.

It wasn’t that I suddenly started to believe because that December was even less reason to believe in Him. Anyhow, I suddenly found myself praying every night. I folded my hands and begged him for one more chance.

I promised him to be a better person. I swore I would love Jae Mi for the rest of my life and never even consider leaving her. I would stand by my family, I would inherit my dad’s company, I would pray every day and go to church. I would literally do anything to keep Jae Mi alive.

But God - if he was up there - chose not to listen. He didn’t even bother to give me a proper no. He simply gave me the cold shoulder and made Jae Mi’s condition worse.

Lee Jae Mi

It was Christmas time and people were happy. They smiled and laughed, pretending there were no bad things in the world. They looked ridiculously happy like that. There were so stupid and naïve.

But I was envying them so bad. I really wished that I could get to live my life like that, at least for the last months.

Jonghyun and I were on the other side from them. We were on a side called reality; the dark, cruel place that allowed you to smile just to wipe it off your face with knives.

None of us really had the power to be happy anymore. The last days had the life out of both of us so brutally.

But at night I dreamed. When I closed my eyes Jonghyun appeared. He was smiling a purely happy smile with small wrinkles by his eyes. He looked happy and the Christmas decorations shone brightly in the background.

By time I came to realize that all I wanted was to celebrate Christmas. Celebrate Christmas like it wasn’t my last and I had plenty ahead. Just like everybody else.

Something kept telling me it was impossible, though. I realized that the only thing keeping me from celebrating Christmas with Jonghyun was me.

So, my fingers pressed the screen of my phone as I typed the message to Jonghyun. He wasn’t home. I wasn’t allowed to attend school anymore due to my illness, but Jonghyun still hung on.

He told me that he hated it without me there. Though, I still saw the flicker of new-found energy when Jonghyun returned home. I was aware that a break from me and the sadness surrounding me could light up one’s mind. I just wish I could get a break from it too.

Jonghyun was very worried for me all the time; too worried sometimes. When finally neared the Christmas mood, a cough would always accidently slip from my lips and everything was ruined.

Jonghyun would drag me out of the room, away from the family dinner or whatsoever. Asked me if I was all right and suggested to call the doctor. I felt like screaming, though his intentions were good.

I walked around in our tiny house, waiting for the Christmas mood to arrive until I finally realized that I could as well make it myself. Jonghyun wasn’t going to bring it, my parents weren’t and God wasn’t. So I was.

“Jonghyun, can you do me a favor, please?” I texted.

Jonghyun responded immediately and made my phone do a small boogie on the table.

“Sure. What is it, beautiful? Is everything all right?”

There was it again: the constant worry and overthinking. Couldn’t I just ask for a favor without it being carrying me to my grave?

“Make sure to buy lots of ugly Christmas decorations and buy some Christmas music too. Oh wait, can you get a Christmas tree? Pleeeease. If I ask nicely and make sure to kiss you a thousand times when you come home? :*”

It took a while before Jonghyun responded. He was probably wondering what I was up too. So in the meantime I grabbed the cookbook I got from my mum and started finding the ingredients for cookies.

“Cacao, flour, milk, egg. Everything is there”, I murmured to myself.  I started pouring the ingredients into a bowl and made sure everything was in there.

I mixed it all together but sighed as I realized how much I was panting. Even baking was hard now.

Finally Jonghyun’s text arrived and I read it, while the spoon with cookie dough on it. “Done now :) What is all of this for?”

I didn’t answer his text but put the cookies into the heated oven. I wanted it to be a surprise.

A mail icon clicked in on my phone and I rushed to the computer to see it, and forgot all about the cookies, baking.

My eyes widened as I read the message. “He’s accepted…” It first came out as a whisper. Then as a louder, fan-girling scream. “He’s in!”

I jumped around in the room and clapped my hands with joy. For the first time in days, I smiled a wide smile.

At least I had done something good in this life when I left.

The smell of something burned crept into my nose trills. “!” I cursed as I remember the cookies in the oven.

“Oh no no”, I gasped as I saw the completely ruined cookies. They were completely black and the kitchen smelled awful. I pulled the burned out of the oven and tried to wave away the smoke.

The slammed shut in the hallway, and Jonghyun’s voice were as happy as it could be. “You owe me a thousand kisses, you know.”

“Oh my, what happened?” Jonghyun gasped as he dropped the Christmas tree he was carrying in the hallway. He rushed into the kitchen and pulled me away from the smoke.

“What did you do?” He asked me. He finally saw the ashes, claiming to be cookies. “Wait, did you try to bake?” He laughed a bit. “That didn’t go too well.”

As I watched him investigate the ruined cookies the tears suddenly started flowing. I wanted to stop them. I wanted to build a bridge and pass all the water, running down my cheeks. I wanted to laugh with Jonghyun.

But I just didn’t. I couldn’t stop myself. The cries came out as loud sobs and sudden shame over myself, welled up in my chest.

I was unfit for any use. Not even cookies could I succeed in. In a swift moment they turned to ashes. Burned, tortured, tired.

Just like my happiness.

I was not sure why exactly I was crying. I wasn’t crying because the disease was catching up with me. I wasn’t crying because the cookies burned. I wasn’t crying of Jonghyun’s comment.

Maybe I was just letting myself cry.

As Jonghyun noticed my silence, he turned around. His eyes widened from confusion. Normally I could easily catch his sense of humor.

“No-no, I didn’t mean it like that. I was just joking”, he assured me, silently cursing at himself under his breath.

I nodded and tried to stop crying. I hid my face in my palms, this was too embarrassing. It was ridiculous to cry over burned cookies.

“I c-can’t even bake cookies anymore”, I cried.

Jonghyun, who was still in a loss of what was going on, desperately tried to cheer me up again. He hurried to the plate with cookies and grabbed one.

He ignored the fact that it almost crumbled between his fingers and smiled brightly at me. “That’s not true. I’m sure they were meant to be this way.”

He stuffed the crumbs into his mouth and slowly chewed them. He really tried to hide how awful they tasted but his face turned into weird grimaces.

“See? Totally delicious”, he lied.

I blinked at him for a second. Then a loud laugh broke the surface of my salty tears. He looked so ridiculously cute like that, black crumbles between his teeth, trying to be so nice to me.

Jonghyun now looked even more confused. He smiled a dumbfounded smile. “What? Why are you now laughing?”

I just shook my head, still a grin covering my lips. I wrapped my weak arms around his chest and Jonghyun immediately responded by pulling me closer.

My finger brushed a few crumbs away from his lips. “You still have ashes on your lips”, I giggled.

While my fingers were at his lips, he grabbed it and planted a soft, romantic kiss on the tip. “You might not be the best baker… But you have some very delicious fingertips”, he winked at me.

Slowly, he started to kiss my fingers one by one. I chuckled and gently hit his arm. “Yah, stop eating me.”

Our eyes locked and I felt like I could drown in that gold sea. His eyes were enchanting and captivated me every time.

Jonghyun’s fingers slowly tickled my chin, making me giggle lightly. He lifted up my chin as his swollen lips neared mine. His eyes gently closed and his lips parted.

A sudden cough from me broke the magic. Jonghyun immediately removed his hands from my face, and his lips only parted to ask me worried questions.

“He didn’t even kiss me yet”, was all I could think as Jonghyun’s face was covered by worry.

“Are you alright, Jae Mi? Are you feeling well?” He asked and started to hurry around in the room. He pulled out blankets and started to fiddle with the phone in his pocket. “Just lay down, I’ll make some tea.”

I couldn’t take it any longer. Something inside me ticked off. The last drop had been poured into the glass and made it flow like an angry waterfall.

“It was just a damn cough, okay!? Why are you so ing worried all the time?” I screamed.

Jonghyun dropped the blankets in his hands and stood still. I let out a small gasp over my own words. I had never spoken like that to Jonghyun.

Everything in the room froze. A choking silence fell over the room and none of us knew what to do. In that moment, I believed Jonghyun was even paler than I, and his eyes fell to the blankets on the ground. He didn’t pick them up though.

I wasn’t sure if I regretted what I said. Honestly, it was what I really felt. And maybe if I hadn’t said it things might never have changed. I could’ve just have put it a nicer way.

“I’m sorry Jonghyun.”

Jonghyun still remained silent. “Jonghyun? I didn’t mean it”, I tried again. I took a step closer but Jonghyun, with eyes still fixed on the ground, took a step further away from me.

“I love you”, I whispered. “Jonghyun, please forgive me.”

Then I noticed the wet spot on the floor beneath Jonghyun and I heard his quiet sobs. My eyes widened as I slowly realized the truth. “Jonghyun? Are you crying?”

Jonghyun shook his head. “N-no”, he denied but his voice was groggy and his face was turning red.

Something about this situation was just so wrong and flipped around. It had always been me that cried. I was the one to spread the water, and Jonghyun stood by me and dried up the wet spots left behind.

I walked to Jonghyun and this time he didn’t walk away. I gently tried to wipe some of his tears away from his skin. “Jonghyun, it’s okay to cry.”

I made Jonghyun’s head rest on my shoulder and heard him cry onto my shoulder. “I’m being ridiculous, I know that. It’s not like I don’t know that it’s just a ing cough”, he finally said after silence.

Jonghyun pulled away from my chest and finally looked into my eyes. The tears were still running down his cheeks. “But one day it’s not going to be ‘just a cough’. Then it’s the very last.”

“I’ll just sit back with nothing left. I’m the one who will be alone. I’m the one who has to attend the funeral. I’m the one who’s supposed to live a normal life again. At least you get peace”, Jonghyun said.

“Then what am I supposed to say; never mind, it was just a ing cough?”

I wanted to burry myself in shame. All this time, I had been so arrogant. I thought I was thinking about Jonghyun when I hid the truth from him, I thought I was being considerate. While all this time I was just hurting him.

“It hurt so bad”, Jonghyun whispered.

I looked him into his eyes while I felt my own getting watery. I forced myself not to let the tears fall.

I softly his cheek while the tears trickled out of his eyes. I met his lips in a kiss. They were warm and tasted of his salty tears. My own skin got wet from the river flushing down his cheeks.

“Please hold me”, Jonghyun pleaded.

And then we held each other. So hard, that I almost thought we would squeeze the life out of both of us.  And we cried. We cried enough to fill up the largest ocean. But we cried together.

And that was definitely something.

Hm... So lately the comments section has turned into a very dry, dead valley. Where did all of you go!? D: