21^st December, 2012

Kim Jonghyun

My fingers were oppressed against the steering wheel, the feeling of raw leather beneath my fingers. I squeezed so hard around the rat as if it was the only thing keeping me in my seat.

A flame of fire, disguised as a lump, was eating up my throat from the inside, choking me. My short, swallow breath came out in small spits.

I watched Jae Mi place her hand on the doorknob to the health center, and wished that she would be out of my sight soon.

I knew what they were going to tell her today. Her parent’s got to know it first. The doctor thought it was better that way, if they were prepared. They called me straight after. And today, today was the day Jae Mi would know.

As soon as she disappeared into the building and the door closed after her, I finally broke down.

All the feelings I had tried to hide from Jae Mi burst out of me. My breaths were in the speed of drumsticks hastily hitting the drums over and over.

My eyes itching with salt, I let it flow over my cheeks formed as tears. My body was shaking, trembling with feelings to get out of my system.

I was angry. I had never been so angry with someone before. If I ever got to see this person, I would rip his head off and watch it happen to Him, like he made it happen to all of us.

If God ever was so stupid to open the gates for me, I swear, I would make him regret it right away.

What had made him so cruel? What terrible happening could possibly have hurt him so much, that he had such need to hurt humanity over and over?

He watched the people he trusted the most, kill his own son, but not even that could make up for his own sins.

“Why?” I wanted to know. “Why?”

My words repeated themselves, and developed into higher and more desperate octaves. It cracked as louder it got.

“Why!?”

My words turned into painful screams; screaming at fate, screaming at God, screaming at the world. When did my world turn out like this?

My fists were smashed into the steering wheel revealingly, making pain shoot up in my arms. I desperately kicked my legs, the feeling of claustrophobia choking me.

As the pain wasn’t enough, I hardly smashed my head into the rat. The sudden pain almost knocked me out, but I forced myself to stay awake; to feel all of the pain.

The little room I was sitting in was no longer enough for me. I had to get out. I had to.

With trembling hands I managed to open the car door and I almost fell out on the streets. The cold, fresh air finally allowed me to breathe again.

I wiped the tears away from my cheeks, and looked at my now wet hand.

“Jonghyun?”

Jae Mi was looking down at me with her bag dangling over her shoulders. The wind quietly tangled her hair into a beautiful mess. Her face looked grey and so did her eyes. But she didn’t cry. She hadn’t even shed a single tear.

I think her tears were used up by now.

Jae Mi quietly said down on the ground next to me. Her eyes gently studied my face as she waited for me to speak.

“Are you never afraid?” I bluntly asked.

Her death was scaring me like hell. I would wake up in the middle of the night, shaking. I’d twist and turn in my bed, never able to find rest. The sweat would be running down my skin, as I let out loud screams from the nightmares about reality.

Jae Mi would just lay quietly by my side. So still that I sometimes thought she already died. So I laid a gentle hand  on her vague heart just to make sure that is was still beating after all. Sometimes she opened her eyes and smiled at me, before she returned to her current location in her dreams.

And all this time one question was rummaging through my mind. How could she not be afraid? How could she not be trembling with fear, unable to sleep, eat or even think?

What made her lay so still at night? What kind of sleeping drug could possibly be enough to heal her wounds even just for the night?

How come she wasn’t acting like me?

Jae Mi turned unusually quiet by my question, and her eyes found the direction of heaven. “If you had asked me a couple of years ago, I think I would have said no too. Maybe I would even offer to take the ticket right away. My whole existence just seemed pointless. What was the point of dreaming and planning my future, if I just was going to leave it all before it even happened? So I spent my days, debating whether I wanted to disease to be over or just simply the whole life”, said she.

The tears that only were hiding just under my skin, were threatening to roll again by her words. Just her way of thinking in such a young age was just tragic.

“Now that I found that meaning of living”, she looked at me from the corners of her eyes, “I am no longer sure if that is a good or bad thing.”

“I’m sure we both agree that we both would be better off without each other, right? I could have just died in peace, without worrying much. And you… You could have found a girl who would actually fulfill your dreams.”

Jae Mi looked at me for a short second, and let out a dry chuckle with an ironical undertone. “And now here we are. Leaning on a trashcan, the one pretending he didn’t just cry like mad in the car, and the other pretending not to be afraid.”

I stiffened and wondered how she found out what I had done. Did she really see it all?

“You weren’t very discrete”, she muttered. “The secretary told me to go out here before you killed yourself.”

I remained quiet, not sure what I was supposed to say.

“Death has never scared me. To me, it’s just the place you end up after all the pain. Death seems to be the easiest part of this road I’m walking. Then I can no longer feel all the pain, fear, sorrow and tears. Whether He’s up there or not, I’m still not going to feel a thing right? It will either be all black or all white. If white, I will finally be woken up again by the apocalypse, but at least I’ll see you there.”

“But I’m not fearless at all. I’m still almost cracking up my fear. The part that really scares me is all the stuff I’m going to miss. This is really arrogant, but what really burns a whole in my heart is that someday you will love another woman. Someday, you will have children with her, and watch the little gold ring slide on her slender fingers. And it’s not going to me. I’ll just be a part of your past.”

I furiously shook my head. “No”, I firmly stated. “I won’t let that happen.”

Jae Mi chose to ignore me and continued. “I’m not afraid of dying, but I’m afraid of losing you.”

Yuck. The cliché-ness in the last line. Hah…