Kim Jonghyun

Whatever happened that day, I never got to know. But Jae Mi turned different. It was like someone all fearlessness out of her, and suddenly she was afraid of the smallest things.

A single cough from her side and she would clung to my arms, ranting about how much she loved me. I loved her too but it wasn’t normal.

Through the nights I had considered countless of things that could have been the reason for Jae Mi’s behavior but nothing seemed to be accurate. Finally I came to the conclusion that she just was insecure.

I knew, deep inside, that it wasn’t even close to the truth but I pushed it away. I refused to realize the reality and let it bring me down once again.

Most days Jae Mi was normal. She acted like she used to. Almost. The smiles she send me never really reached her eyes, and whenever we kissed it always made me feel like it was the last one.

I gave up finding out what exactly was wrong but instead I decided to make her happy again. It seemed to be the only way back to the right path.

December 1^st

The coolness hugged our bodies close as we walked through the empty city. We had walked out form the busy part of Seoul and into a part without many people. It was far over midnight and no noise interrupted us.

Jae Mi blew out a cloud of air and watched it slowly fade out.  “I used to really hate winter. How all the trees turned bald and everything was so . How the sky turned grey and all.”

“I love winter. It’s just prettier than summer, right? I love how the trees lose all they’re hiding behind. I think we humans could learn from them; to not hide and just show who we really are.” I looked at Jae Mi in the corners of my eyes, hoping she’d realizing what I was hinting, but she wasn’t even looking at me.

“I love the snow the most though. It makes me think of happy times, waiting for Santa by the Christmas tree”, I said while holding her hand.

Jae Mi agreed by nodding. “Yeah, what I was saying, was that now I just can’t help but loving it. It’s like I didn’t realize how beautiful it was before.”

She turned to point at the frozen Han River. “Look, it’s so beautiful. If you look closely, you can see all these small paintings of scratches in the ice. And if you look at the trees, you see how beautiful sculptures the trees turned into. And when the snow hits, it’s the best, right?”

I nodded and smiled. “The snow is definitely the best. Then Christmas is finally here.”

Jae Mi longingly turned her head upwards, facing the sky above us. “Hm… I wonder when snow will hit this year. I can’t wait any longer.”

She looked at me again, with sparkling eyes. She looked like a little child with small fireworks unfolding in her eyes. “Promise me that when snow falls, we’ll play in the snow together. I know it’s childish but I just can’t miss it.”

I chuckled and softly pecked her lips. “I promise.”

From the corners of my eyes I saw the carnival from the last summer. They still hadn’t removed it yet. Compared to the last time I was here, it looked completely dead.

There were no screaming children or lovers strolling through the small streets, only the amusements and even the small stalls.

But when I closed my eyes it all came back. The smell of freshly made cotton candy, the happy laughs from the rollercoasters, the shouts from the stalls were guys hopelessly tried to win something for their dates and the happy elders small-talking together.

I could easily see the multicolored lights lighting up the area and how the dust flew around in the air but no one noticed. They were all too busy being happy.

For me, the carnival was one of the few things I loved about summer.

I pointed at the carnival. “Let’s go there”, I suggested.

“But Jjong, we can’t”, she said, more of force than really meaning it. She didn’t even complain when I dragged her towards the abounded carnival. She was more than willingly trailing behind me.

 I stopped as a high fence hovered above us. Jae Mi looked up at it and realized how tall it was. “How are we supposed to pass that?” she hopelessly sighed.

A smirk spread across my lips and Jae Mi looked at me. “What?” she asked for my upcoming ideas. “What crime is on your mind, bad boy?”

“Let’s climb.” I pulled her closer to the hence and made her step on my palms. “Are sure I’m not too heavy?” she asked and looked down at me from the top of my hands.

I honestly nodded. She was worryingly light. I had noticed she had gotten a lot skinnier lately. Her collar bone was easily showing and her chubby cheeks weren’t there anymore.  

Jae Mi intertwined her hands with the hence and let go of me. She climbed on the top of it and fastened her feet in the small holes in the fences. She reached out her hand for me to catch it and managed to pull me up next to her.

As we reached the top we exchanged an exhausted smile. Jae Mi breathed so fast like she just ran a marathon. Again something that worried me. Just the smallest walks and Jae Mi would grow tired. But I didn’t mention it. Nothing would come but a bad mood.

We grabbed each other’s hands tightly and locked our eyes for a second. Then we jumped down from the hence and entered the carnival area.

“Are we even allowed to be here?” Jae Mi asked as she looked around.

“No.”

Jae Mi laughed of my completely answer. “I guess I like it”, she chuckled. “First time as crime rider for me.”

We strolled through the tiny streets as the carnival still was on. Some naïve part inside me had hoped that the amusements still worked, but of course they didn’t. That would practically have been asking rebels like us to attend the closed party.

“Hey, let’s try these!” Jae Mi exclaimed and pointed at the merry-go-round. She eagerly dragged in my hand and ran to it.

She climbed on a tiny circus horse. As I disappeared from her sight for a brief moment, she confusingly turned her head around. “Oppa?” She asked.

“I hope there’s room for two”, I grinned, as I snuck up on her horse from behind. I hugged her waist and pulled myself closer to her.

Jae Mi let out a girly giggle, and even from behind I could see her cheeks turning red. I laughed of happiness and rested my head on her shoulder. She gently laid her head up of mine.

“You make me very happy person”, she told me. A wide smile spread across my lips and I almost cheered of happiness.

By time we got of the horse and continued or stoll.

“Ah, it’s a shame that the Ferris wheel isn’t running”, Jae Mi sighed when we reached the gigantic circle in front of us. “I love those.”

I rebelliously smirked. “Since we already broke the rules.” Jae Mi followed me to the wheel and watched with horror as I climbed on top of the lowest gondola.

“This is almost riding them”, I said as I offered Jae Mi my hand. She bit her lip. “I don’t think this is a good idea. We could fall down or something.”

I snorted. “Oh come on. It’s not like they’re running. Nothing’s going to happen”, I said. Jae Mi hesitated but then grabbed my hand.

I pulled her up next to me. Jae Mi hurriedly sat down before she fell. I didn’t rush and slowly bumped down next to her.

“You know, even though this just raised us a few meters, it’s really beautiful from here”, Jae Mi said. She pointed at the shining city lights blinking from Seoul’s centrum.

I nodded. “Yup, what would you do without me to show you views like this?” I joked.

Jae Mi laughed. “Yeah, what would I do without you?”

Sudden silence followed, bringing in a sad mood. Then the words seemed to stick deeper to her than meant and her smile faded. A sudden angst flickered in her eyes. “What would I do without you?” she whispered. So low that I barely managed to hear. Her voice was slightly shaking and her eyes turned downwards. 

“Jae Mi”, I said with a soft voice. “Tell me what’s going on. This silence is killing me”, I pleaded.

Jae Mi quietly shook her head. “No”, she whispered.

“What are you scared of?” My words were urging.

Jae Mi remained silent. Not a breath escaped her pink lips. She turned away from me and turned her eyes in another direction.

I tried to sit closer to her. Gently, I placed a hand upon her shoulder. “I’m not scared”, I whispered into her ear.

“I’m not scared of anything. I don’t know if it’s the past that’s cutting these bruises in you. But if so, it’s over now. There’s only the future ahead and there’s definitely nothing to be scared of.”

I moved closer to her body. “Our future is together, right? We’ll get married and have kids. Two is fine by me but I can also do a hundred as long as you agree. I’ll get us a beautiful big house on the countryside. I want a piano in the bedroom, so I can fall asleep to your music. Or… Is that too spoiled? That kind of refrain us from making the hundred kids, right?” I let out a little awkward chuckle.  “And… I’ll sing for you whenever you’re sad. Only you can make me do this.”

I planted a light kiss on her neck. “What do you want?”

Jae Mi was quiet, thinking. She inhaled deeply and slowly turned around. Her light brown eyes looked into mine as she said it. A sea of tears was aligned by the edge of her eyes, just tipping over.

“All I want is a future with you.”

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