November 22^nd, 2012

Lee Jae Mi

My parents were with me all night. Surrounded by blankets, heat pads, tea and worries I tried to get just a little bit of sleep. But whenever I was about to drift of, my mum woke me up again. I couldn’t sleep until we had to go to the doctor. “Just in case”, she kept repeating.

The worst part wasn’t the fact that I felt like I was being ripped a part. The worst was the constant urge to call Jonghyun. My phone spent all night teasing me, making me want to reach it so bad.

I felt sorry for Jonghyun. He must have been so confused. One minute he was with me in the forest and the next he got kicked out of my home.

But I didn’t call him. My parents wouldn’t let me and I wouldn’t let myself. What was I even supposed to say?

Now, I was here in front of Doctor Choi with two sickly worried parents next to me. My dad’s face was paler than snow and my mum was very similar to a ghost. Doctor Choi’s expression wasn’t too good either.

“Mr. and Mrs. Lee, Jae Mi-sshi. I have to tell you some very sad news today”, Doctor Choi started out.

My mum let out a shocked gasp as if we all hadn’t guessed that already. My dad’s face remained stone.

“We have made a terrible mistake in our system. I apologize sincerely for that mistake and we’ll make sure it never occurs again.”

“Can you please just tell us what the mistake is?” My dad said with a firm voice.

“Of course, Sir. It seems that we accidently have switched Jae Mi’s test results with somebody else’s. Jae Mi’s results are unfortunately not that promising as we could hope for.”

Doctor Choi pushed a paper towards us. “This is Jae Mi’s results.”

My eyes ran over the paper, trying to get what it said. It was all ‘doctor language.’

Doctor Choi’s wrinkled finger pointed on a certain sentence. “I’m afraid that you maximum have 3 months left.”

Without further warning, I was torn away from the room. Suddenly, I saw it all from above. My own thoughts were pressed on mute.

I could only see how my dad started crying and my mum’s face changed from one painful grimace to another. How Doctor Choi’s jaw was tight and he looked like he most of all just wanted to disappear. I bet he never considered this part of being a doctor when he first decided to be one. No one told him that he’d end up making people cry.

As the minutes passed, the shock faded and the subject changed. I could hear my mum yelling at Doctor Choi. My father was trying to calm her down but was also threatening to sue Doctor Choi. Doctor Choi interrupted them, saying that right now I’m the most important person in this room.

They all turned their heads to me. They looked at me like they expected me to have something to say. But what are you supposed to say when someone just told you that you were going to die? That everything you loved would be torn away from you in less than three months.

A sour taste of vomit suddenly gushed forth in my mouth. I felt like all my inner organs wanted to get up of my body as soon as possible.

 I had to get away from their faces that felt so sorry for me. It was too much. I just needed to see someone who had no idea what was going on.

Without a word, I ran out of the room, leaving my parents behind. I could hear them rush after me, yelling across the parking lot that I shouldn’t be running like that.

But I couldn’t stop my feet from running. My legs took me to the place I wanted without even telling them too. The school day would be over now. Jonghyun would be waiting by the bus stop.

I ran, and as I pushed through the air the reality slowly started to creep into my mind. I used all my power to push the bad thoughts away but they were as clear as never before.

I ran straight into his arms before he could even look up to see me. Automatically his warm arms pulled me closer and I hid my head into his chest.

“What happened?” He whispered into my ear. As I met his syrup eyes, the eyes I would lose, the floor finally broke through. Everything rambled down over my head.

The panic caught me with a strong hand, impossible to escape from. Its fingers tightened around my throat, threatening to choke me. It forced up my tears and incoherent sentences stumbled over my lips.

“I’m sorry”, I cried. “I’m so sorry. I really thought some miracle had happened. I was so naïve. I thought that finally it was my turn to be lucky. I’m sorry.”

My body was violently shaking, and the words flew over my lips with such speed that I wasn’t even sure Jonghyun understood what I said. The blood was pumping through my veins and my heart was beating so fast that I was afraid it would run out of power right there in the bus stop.

Jonghyun hugged my tighter and made my head rest on his shoulder.  He rocked me in a steady rhythm to calm me down but nothing seemed to calm me down.

“I don’t know what to do. I can’t leave you now, I’m sorry. I know I should but I just can’t.”

Jonghyun stopped rocking me and placed his hands on my cheeks. The shaking didn’t stop as I tried to lock my eyes with his. My eyes kept darting around. I was too ashamed - too scared to meet his eyes.

“Jae Mi, you’ll don’t leave me, okay? I won’t let you. Whatever you’re going through right now, I’ll be there for you. You don’t have to apologize or explain anymore. Just know that I love you, okay? I won’t leave you.”

Jonghyun tried to look into my eyes but they darted the other way. “Look at me, Jae Mi”, he demanded with a stronger voice and forced my eyes into meeting his. “I love you. I love you so ing much that nothing will tear us apart okay? Nothing.”

 I tried to believe him, I really did. But it was so far from the truth that not even the easiest lies  could fool me. “Not even death?” I asked anyway, with a vague voice.

“What?” Jonghyun asked of my sudden question.

I didn’t answer but kept weeping into his chest. Jonghyun my hair and kissed my forehead. “Hush now. Take a deep breath”, he whispered.

“I-I can’t”, I stuttered, my breathing fast and struggling. “I can’t breathe. I can’t —”

Jonghyun laid a finger over my lips and stopped me from talking. “I’m only doing this for your sake”, he lowly mumbled.

Then it happened. It started out as a weak humming but soon developed into a song. Words turned into art. The melody was sweet and calm. Like a lullaby.

The cup of warm honey flushed away my tears, erasing the panic. Slowly, Jonghyun’s enchanting words made my breathing heavier and my body stopped shaking.

Jonghyun followed the rhythm of the song by gently rocking me from side to side. The warmth from his breath tickled my ear.

“And now like breathing, if you were always to rest by my side, if you were to always remain this way, nothing better, nothing better than you.”

Before I knew it Jonghyun’s song had me relaxing. My eyelids got heavier and I drifted off to sleep in Jonghyun’s arms.