21^st November, 2012

Lee Jae Mi

I moved the brush along my nail, concentrating about getting the pearl blue nail polish inside the lines of my nail. Somehow, it had a habit to miss when I applied it.

I heard someone ring the door and my mum open. “Last nail”, I mumbled to myself. The tiny brush moved on to my thumb nail.

“Hello. Can I talk to Jae Mi?”

I dropped the brush in my hands and the nail polish died my entire finger blue. “, , ”, I cursed and tried to get it off.

“Jae Mi! You have boy visit”, my mum happily cried from the hallway.

I ran to my room and tore my striped pajamas off and desperately tried to comb my tangled hair. Why did Jonghyun exactly have to come when I looked like a complete mess?

“I’ll just send you up”, my mum said.

“No!” I hissed down the stairs. I just reached to see Jonghyun’s confused face before I disappeared into my room again. No way, he could see me like this.

“He’ll just take you out for a walk, Jae Mi, you don’t have to dress up that nicely”, my mum shouted. I heard Jonghyun mumbled something like, “So this is what it’s all about.”

Relieved, I pulled my hat over my hair, so it covered the worst. I quickly caught my jacket and boots and ran down the stairs.

“Don’t let a man wait for you like that, Jae Mi”, my mum scolded me. “It’s really fine, Mrs. Lee. I can wait”, Jonghyun politely answered and turned to me.

A small smile fell upon his face. “You look cute”, he said and caught my hand. I looked at myself and realized why he said that.

My boots were only half on, my grey jacket weren’t closed right and my hat was almost falling of my head. A shade of red covered my cheeks. “I was in a hurry.”

Jonghyun chuckled and motioned to open the door but my mum stopped him. She laid a firm hand on his shoulder. “Jonghyun, please take good care of Jae Mi. She is a bit fragile and if she looks sick you should send her home right away.”

Jonghyun furrowed his eyebrows but my mum replied with a smile. “Now, have a nice walk. The air is nice today.”

Before Jonghyun could ask further, she pushed us out the door. With a small wave, she smacked the door close.

“What did she mean about you being fragile?” Jonghyun asked me, starting to walk with me struggling to keep up. His speed was normal but my legs felt like cement blocks. Every step was a war.

I looked away, knowing I wouldn’t be able to lie while looking into his eyes. As I opened my mouth to speak, the cold air slipped in between my lips. As fire on ice, it painfully travelled through my throat.

“She’s —”, my voice were cut off a painful cough. “Are you alright today? You suddenly turned pale”, Jonghyun worriedly asked me, studying my face.

I shook him off. “I’m fine”, I managed to say. Jonghyun handed me a bottle of hot tea from his bag. “I would’ve saved this for later but looks like you need it now.”

“Thank you”, I whispered with a tiny voice and placed the vacuum jag by my lips. Jonghyun held the jag and slowly tilted it. As the hot tea ran through me, everything seemed to settle.

“Better?” Jonghyun asked, removing the thermos from me. I nodded and tried of my refreshed throat. “Better, thank you.”

Jonghyun smiled as my voice came out fine. We walked in silence for a bit. I looked around, amazed by our surroundings. Though I had lived on this street since birth it had never been more beautiful.

Here and there, a few leaves still hung on the almost bald trees. The sky was a beautiful shade between purple and grey today. High up in the sky, the sun managed the break through the heavy clouds.

Maybe it was my company that made it all seem less grey and more purple.

It didn’t take long before Jonghyun immediately started to speak again. “Jae Mi, I’m really sorry about last night. It was really rude.”

“But why did you do it?” I bluntly asked the question that had been rummaging in my mind all night.

Jonghyun sighed and held my hand tighter. “I guess… Singing is just something I don’t enjoy”, he lied.

“That’s not true”, I blurted. Jonghyun looked at me with questioning eyes. “I heard you sing that day by the bus stop.”

Jonghyun’s jaw tightened and he avoided my eyes. “Jonghyun”, I softly said and forced him to meet my eyes. “No one can sing like that without enjoying it. It’s just impossible.”

Jonghyun was silent for a while. His shoes pushed around the leaves under us. “I do enjoy singing”, he finally whispered.

“But”, he said. “Every time I attempt to, there’s always someone telling me to do it better. There’s always a shade more Jinki that can be applied. Not once have I been told that I sung just beautifully.”

Jonghyun was deeper than I thought. Day by day he just got deeper. Another layer of secrets were peeled off and the real him slowly appeared.

“You really sing beautifully, Jonghyun.” My throat felt like fire again but I didn’t want to ruin the moment.

Jonghyun shook his head. “It doesn’t count. I want to hear him say it with his own voice while fondly nodding his head; finally recognizing me as his own son.”

Under me a jelly substance claimed to be my legs. Before each step I prayed they wouldn’t melt away. Prayed they wouldn’t let me turn into a part of the leaves.

I watched Jonghyun turn farther away from me. I tried to call out his name but my own voice choked my words. A white air cloud was the only thing escaping my lips.

Jonghyun started to walk sideways towards heaven. Then to the other side and upside down. I tried to lock my eyes on him but he wouldn’t stop escaping me.

I stopped walking and felt my body stagger. Even the lightest blow of air seemed to bring me out of balance.

My trembling fingers reached out to get a grip of stability. They tried to catch Jonghyun and pull him back to help me.

Far off, Jonghyun’s voice still made connecting sentences but all I heard was words; words in random orders out of sense.

Finally, the dizziness won and my legs betrayed me. I fell and everything turned silent as I hit the ground.

Someone yelled my name. Someone picked me up and whispered calming words in my ears. Someone tried to wake me up.

“Jae Mi? Jae Mi, please wake up. Don’t do this.”

My eyelids slowly parted and Jonghyun’s face covered my frowns met me. “Please take me home”, I whispered.

I knew all too well what this was. I tried to push the facts far back in my mind but they kept hitting me like rocks on a windy day.

Before I knew, Jonghyun had carried me home. I was left in the arms of my father. “I think it’s best if you go home now, son”, my dad told Jonghyun.

Through the chaos and panic inside me I saw Jonghyun’s worried face. He constantly stretched to see me better.

“Jonghyun”, I whispered. “Please go.”

Jonghyun’s hurt face was the last thing I saw before I passed out.