SHOP: Will you show me your story?

REVIEWER: faeimeus

34 points for Structure

The lack of awkwardness caused by a difficult point of view made this story more accessible that the first.

39 points for Action

I see that you are still detailed, but in a more hauntingly fanciful way much like a van Gogh painting. The careful recounting is both entertaining and enchanting, and left me enthralled at many instances.

The lesser-used family theme and unique plot made this a refreshing pause from the many romantic melodramas all around.

Notes

Foreword: I had guessed who Papa is. Don’t worry about being predictable. I think it comes with reading too many suspense novels.

Chapter 5:

…they had yet made a Failed Whisper to be reprimanded for.

I don’t understand. Do they have yet to make a Failed Whisper, or is the section meant to be they had made?

The doctors left Key alone and moved on to other patients, ones which had a better chance at living.

Don’t you mean who?

Chapter 6: This isn’t related to the story. The mention of Cornwall made me think of The Drowning People by Richard Mason. It’s a wonderful novel, and the style you have is a bit similar to the writing here. Are you familiar with it?

19 points for Style

It really is told in much the same way as a manga or an anime would unfold. Though not everybody will like it, I definitely do.

4 points for Presentation

I said I wouldn’t drop points from this field unless Presentation distracts from the story. The issue is with your title. It seemed appropriate enough at the beginning, given that the first parts of your story were based on SHINee’s song of the same name. The problem is that, with progress, your story evolved and developed its own being; doubtless, 1000 years’ worth of significant happenings will take place, but the number of years is now not as relevant as Key’s family and work.

Also, a title based on a song constrains the distinctive appeal of your story, even though it was your first muse.

As a reader: I am wonderstruck.

As a writer: You are so much better than I am; I have no idea how I even had the guts to review for you.

As a fangirl: I am one of yours now.

96/100

I find your stories very refreshing and comfortable to read as a writer. Keep going strong, Author! ♡