Chapter 14:

“Ex-convict.”

It was just one little word. The one little word, which made Tae Yang just stood there, suffocating as that word continued to ring in his ears despite the many noises in the office. Tae Yang could barely hear G Dragon’s ranting and he could barely hear Dae Sung trying so desperately to calm G Dragon down. All he could hear was the little guilty word that Seungri called him.

Tae Yang closed his eyes, trying not to hear the guilty word repeating in his mind no matter how truthful it was. But, nevertheless, that word still hurt him, reminding him of all the awful things he had done in the past.

The more time passed standing in Seungri’s office, the more his guilt grew. Tae Yang felt that everything was his fault. If it wasn’t for him, probably big bang would have a comeback and this would obviously be a friendly reunion today. Or, big bang would be one of longest boy band to remain in the entertainment industry just like Shinhwa.

"What on earth was Seungri thinking, walking out like that?" G Dragon asked, his words shaking with anger.

"G Dragon Hyung…" Dae Sung started again but was cut off as G Dragon stopped him again.

"Stop making excuses for him…”

TOP was watching Tae Yang closely. He could see the hurt look Tae Yang wore before his eyes hardened and a look of annoyance crossed his features.

"G Dragon, this is enough!" Tae Yang cut in, not caring to keep his emotions in check any longer.

Once silence spread in the office making everyone stared at Tae Yang, Tae Yang breathed in and out, his heart hammering in his chest.

“Stop blaming Seungri.” Tae Yang said quickly, wishing his voice was not so hoarse. “It’s my entire fault. If I did not do those awful deeds in the past, probably big bang would not end up this way.”

With that said, Tae Yang fled, unable to listen to what G Dragon would say. He knew that once G Dragon calmed down and came back to his senses, he would accept Seungri’s decision.

As for himself, he would understand that the friendship with a CEO was worth a hundred ex-convicts if one day, G Dragon, Dae Sung and TOP have second thoughts of being by his side.

***

Tae Yang did not know where he was going. He tore blindly down a corridor and up a flight of stairs. He did not realize that he was near the rooftop until his fingers closed on the familiar door-handle and he stumbled into the open air.

He let the heavy door swing closed behind him, ignoring the indignant hooting from the pigeons on the rooftop before he fell to his knees, his eyes burning with tears that he refused to let fall.

Tae Yang wasn't completely oblivious. He had noticed how the word “ex-convict” was increasingly hissed among the trainees. The real world was harsh. It was cold and it was cruel, when people tend to shun away from him because he is an ex-convict.

Tae Yang knew that he deserved it and he had no right to feel hurt because of that one little truthful word. If it hadn't been for him, for his folly and his jealousy, the future of big bang would be so different from today.

Deep in his thoughts, Tae Yang didn’t know how long he sat there as he drew his knees up to his chest, hardly aware that he was shivering from the chill that haunted the air.

When he heard the door opening, Tae Yang stiffened and turned around to see TOP walked towards him.

“There you are,” TOP said, coming into the rooftop and closing the door. “You're not an easy person to find. Half the trainees claim they didn't see you, and the other half just gave me fake information.”

Tae Yang smiled slightly at TOP in response.

“Where’s G Dragon?” Tae Yang asked curiously.

“I made him do a bit of reflection on himself.” TOP replied as he came over and sat next to Tae Yang, leaning against the wall and lolling his head over his right shoulder.

“Are you all right?” TOP asked Tae Yang, seeming genuinely concerned. “You gave us a little shock back there.”

“I’m fine,” Tae Yang murmured, trying to convince himself.

TOP made a small, knowing sound before both of them lapsed into silence.

No one spoke for a few minutes. Both sat in silence looking out at the afternoon sky, trembling partly because of the cold.

Finally, Tae Yang broke the silence.

“TOP Hyung, why did you forgive me?” Tae Yang said tremulously, almost afraid of uttering the words aloud.  “I hurt Dae Sung, I hurt Seungri, I hurt everyone. Because of me, big bang had been separated…”

Tae Yang stopped himself, realizing that he was rambling while TOP appeared to consider his words carefully before he spoke.

“To speak the truth, I do not have any intention to forgive you at all…” TOP confessed. “What you have done in the past was unforgiveable that I could understand why Seungri had not forgiven you after so many years.”

The confession hung heavy in the air between them as Tae Yang looked away from TOP, feeling his stomach flip in anxiety.

“What made me started to see things from a different angle was probably the day Tempo came into my life.” TOP went on.

“After becoming a father, I hoped that people around Tempo would forgive him and give him a second chance if one day, Tempo did something wrong in the future. That’s probably the reason why, I decided to forgive you.”

Tae Yang let his eyes flick sideward for a brief moment, only to realize that TOP was no longer looking at his face, but up at the afternoon sky.

“Will there be a day that Seungri would forgive me?” Tae Yang asked quietly.

TOP turned his head to look at Tae Yang in surprise. He wasn't expecting Tae Yang to ask him such a question.

“One step at a time, Tae Yang,” TOP declared. “At least he let you come back to YG Entertainment didn’t he?”

Tae Yang felt his throat constrict, and somewhere in his viscera something thrummed in disbelief. He did not mean to speak, but the words came anyhow. “But, big bang’s come back…”

“Tae Yang,” TOP cut in, “What does big bang means to you?”

 “Does big bang have to have a comeback to be known as big bang?” TOP asked with a sad and gentle smile.

Tae Yang turned his head to look at TOP. He had never thought about it. Yet, what TOP said made sense.

What does big bang means to him?

Does big bang have to have a comeback to be known as big bang?”

For once, Tae Yang couldn’t help but agree with TOP.  It`s okay if they go through an accident and can`t go up on stage. It doesn’t matter if their popularity may die in the future.

What is important is that five of them are together.

With that thought, Tae Yang felt a timorous giggle in the back of his throat. “Did you say that to G Dragon just now?”

“Yup!” TOP replied as he climbed to his feet and offered Tae Yang his hand. “Let’s go, it’s cold.”

The smile that spread across TOP's face was perhaps the most wondrous thing Tae Yang had ever seen. It was earnest and happy and amused, the TOP grin that he had seen a thousand times before. It was, indeed, as if nothing had changed.

Tae Yang let himself be helped off the floor. He smoothed his shirt and ran a hand through his hair and hoped that he did not look too dishevelled or pathetic.

 Once TOP opened the door, Tae Yang hurried along, trying to keep pace with TOP’s long legs.

Tae Yang could scarcely believe his good fortune. TOP had forgiven him. This was more than anything he could have hoped for.

“Thank you,” Tae Yang whispered.

 Even though TOP didn't seem to hear him, but he said it again anyhow, very softly.

“Thank you.”