“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live,

it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.”

C H A P T E R  S E V E N

I am utterly speechless and I know, it’s my fault. I know the fact that I

am given two choices, one with a benefit while the other one will cause

me a life time regret. And yet, I choose the second one. I;m so stupid. I’ve

got to admit it. I wish there’s a time machine, so that I’ll be able to turn

back time to where it’s supposed to be and cherish every second of it. But

too bad, it’s beyond my reach.

       I’m sorry and I love you, my love.

               His hand was raised on its own to cover his eyes when the sunlight seeped through the window and landed on his face. He groaned and rolled. His face was stuffed on his pillow and he remained at the same position for a minute before he suffocated for air. He brushed his hand over his face and his eyes squinted to allow the retina getting used to the amount of light and his eyes were unveiled normally when it’s all even. He stretched his both hands in the air while getting up from the bed and walked towards the bathroom and stared at his reflection. He could see the hair shaping a map on his face, and then he rinsed his face, put on the foam and shaved his both mustache and beard. And there he was, looking clean and sleek. The end of his mouth curved upwards awkwardly, and that was when he realized, he didn’t smile a lot these days. Truth to be told, he did sometimes, but there’s no sincerity on it and he hated it.

               After he had taken his bath, he stepped out from the bathroom and made his bed before reaching for his hand phone which was situated on the counter table and that was when his attention fell on the small piece of paper. He slowly reached the paper and read it even though he’s already aware of the line that had been printed on it. And then he closed his eyes and after a couple of seconds, he crumpled the paper and threw it into the dustbin and forced himself to get rid of it from his mind— pretended like it’d never existed.

               Pretended he hadn’t done the most stupid thing he had ever done in his whole entire life. How could he do that? Both of them loved him, he did know that and he did love them too. Maybe supporting would be the greatest thing to do for now. For their sake, for his own happiness as he knew there’s no way he’s going to live his life in sorrow and hiding behind a mask, never reveal his true self.

               He cooked scrambled eggs and sausages for the breakfast and ate it alone, being accompanied by the solitary environment and the sound of birds chirping and flying. He had never felt alone like this but he knew he had had to get used to it.

               “How do you do?” he asked, not knowing who it’s meant for.

*     *     *     *

               A smile was formed on her face, the joyous one with full of sincerity while walking down the altar, hooking her arm with her dad’s and felt for the first time in her whole entire life being the centre of attention. She was never a fan of getting attention from people but this time, it’s different. She liked it and she hoped it’d stay but she also knew the best it was impossible. She slowly stepped forwards, as her attempt to be cautious of every step she took because she’s scared she might trip on her wedding dress and would humiliate not only herself but him and their families. And that’s it. That’s when she kissed her dad’s cheek and her hand was exchanged from her dad to him. She gave him a smile, and faced the priest.

               After exchanging vows and rings, they kissed and just like that, they became partners— eternally.

               “Ugghhh,” she heard him groaning and soon the alarm clock which had disturbed them was shut, and she felt him drawing his body closer to hers and wrapped his long arms around her slender body which ridiculously looked small in his arms.

               “Morning sweet heart,” he whispered and it tickled her having his breathe inches away from her ear. She held it very well but couldn’t help but to finally giggle when he bit her earlobe. She turned her body to the other round to face him and rolled on top of him, flattened her s against his chest, so close that she could feel their hearts beat at the same pace. It felt so good, as a starting of the last day of her being a bachelorette.

               So, that’s just a dream. She closed her eyes and contemplated the dream back, and wondered if it’d be same on the real day. She liked it. It was simple and yet meaningful and looked surprisingly amazing to her. It wasn’t grand, and yet, it’s a hit. She nuzzled the tip of her nose on his neck and heard his loud laughter filled the room. She joined the laughter too and then she looked up at him and stared for a moment, tracing every feature of his face.

               “I dreamed of our wedding day just now.”

               “Really? How was it?”

               “Amazing.”

               “Of course, look who the groom is.”

               “Ohhh shut up.”

               Later on, they ended up rolling on the bed and laughing out loud, she felt hopeless when he didn’t give her a chance to take a breath by keep tickling her on her sensitive spots.

               “Stop it, stop it haha,” she said in between her breaths and couldn’t help but laughing and suffocating for air at the same time. And that was the main cause why her face had turned into a bright tomato. After he had stopped tickling her, both of them remained lying and facing the ceiling and laughed out loud, like it’s their first time learning how to laugh. They both were happy. It was ended with kisses, and that’s when they both jumped out from the bed and did what they’re supposed to be doing.

               She was at the kitchen, wearing an apron and humming to a random song while stirring the instant mushroom soup, waiting for it to turn fluffy and even. After it’d turned out perfectly like she wanted, she set the table and placed the hot pot on the centre of the table and poured orange juice in tall glasses. Then they ate the breakfast together, slowly, trying to enjoy it as the last time they ate breakfast together as a couple.

               “So, what are you going to do today?” he asked before he took a sip of the orange juice.

               “I don’t know, spend more time with you?”

               “I’m so honoured, but I’ve got errands to run.”

               She nodded, and then her action was stopped when she had fully interpreted his sentence. A shock look ghosted over her face. “Wait, isn’t this day like, your day off?”

               “Well, it was, actually but the boss said there’s no one to check the progress at the side. I’ve got to do it since you’ve no idea how many times he’d begged me. I just, I don’t want to turn him down.”

               She remained staring at him, but this time with the natural face of her but with a slight mad expression. And then she continued swallowing the mushroom soup and said, “Fine. Do whatever you want.”

               “Are you mad?”

               “Of course.”

               “I’m sorry. There’s nothing I can do about it. I’ll buy you some present okay?”

               As soon as he’s finished with his sentence, she dropped the spoon and remained staring at him with a mad look ghosted over her face. She couldn’t believe he just said that. He, on the other hand, had no idea what’d pissed her off.

               “What?” he asked while furrowing his eyebrows in confusion.

               “What? Am I a kid? Stop it Taec.”

               “Your skin’s soft like baby,” he smiled.

               “I hate you.”

               “I love you too.”

               “Ughh shut up. Go die.”

               “Fine. Then you’ll regret.”

               “Who would ever feel regret if her partner is so selfish and ignorant?”

               “Shinah, I’m sorry.”

               “It’s okay. I don’t mind.”

               He set his feet on the ground and kissed the crown of her head and then her forehead, and then her lips, longer than the other two parts and went into their room and got changed.

               “Bye,” he said before departing without having any answer from her.

               If she knew their time was being counted, she wouldn’t ignore him. She would’ve replied it back with hugs and kisses, and asked him not to leave her alone even though it would risk his profession.

               But too bad, they’re beyond of her reach as she was no psychic.

*     *     *     *

               “Hi Wooyoung!”

               That was the first sentence he heard when he opened the door of his apartment. He took a while to convince himself it’s Shinah who was standing in front of him with a bright smile plastered on her face and bulging plastic bags in her both hands.

               “What are you doing here?” he asked while taking all of the plastic bags from her grips.

               “Well, seeing my friend, of course.”

               Hearing that, he couldn’t help but staring at her face for a moment, not sure whether it’s happening for real or not. He did count how many days since the last time she came to his house. It was eighty-two days. Almost three months. He could tell it was awkward having her presence in his apartment even though she was the first person who’d set her feet in the apartment.

               “Well, actually, I just want to spend my last day as a bachelorette with you, if you don’t mind I have a bachelorette party at your place.”

               He did the same thing, stared at her face without saying any word. His action was good enough to make her feel like an idiot being all hyper at that time. She thought she had to, because he’s Wooyoung but never did she know her assumption was wrong.

               “Hrm— aren’t you going to ask me in?”

               “Come on in,” he bluntly replied and stepped aside to make a path for her to walk in and closed the door.

               “Wow, your house. What happened?”

               “Kinda busy and have no time to clean it up.”

               “I guess I came here at the wrong time.”

               She smiled, brightly and turned her body to the other round to face him, and the smile vanished immediately when she saw there’s no a pinch of happiness in his face. She clutched and brushed her head awkwardly, and then stepped forward towards him until she’s a step away from him. And that’s when she tilted her head and examined his face. It’s still the same, except it’s gotten matured and dull.

               “Wooyoung, are you sick?” she asked, still in the same position.

               “No,” he bluntly answered and walked towards the kitchen and placed the bulging plastics bags on top of the counter tables, leaving her with empty mind. She had no idea what had caused him to act like that way.

               “You want water?” he asked, without turning his body to the other round.

               “Yeah, sure.”

               Later on, both of them were in the kitchen, getting things prepared to cook for the lunch. She was attempting to make the unwanted barrier between two of them disappear because she’s not used to it while he on the other hand, felt sorry for her for acting like this. He did try to act like nothing’s wrong with her but he couldn’t no matter how hard he tried to. Probably because he’d never done it before and this was his first time facing her alone after the day their engagement was announced.

               “So, you know, Jenna, the hairdresser kept on telling me to do this and that, ignoring what I actually wanted. It’s hard you know since I hate every single hairstyle she suggested to me and I can tell they’re actually her favourites. They’re so complicated and bold whereas I just wanted it to be simple. Taecyeon laughed all the time and didn’t even try to help me out and then he—”

               “Could you please stop talking about it?”

               She stopped and remained opened because of the talking she had just now. At that moment, she thought it’s just her imagination, but then she knew, it’s real even though she didn’t want to believe it. She closed and swallowed hard, before she turned her body to the other round and said,

               “Sorry?”

               “Stop talking about the preparation of your wedding.”

               “Oh. I’m sorry. I thought you’d like to know about it.”

               “It’s cliché. Conflicts here and there, but then, there’ll be a happy ending for the groom and bride.”

               She looked at him, and that was when she realized, the one who’s standing in front of her was someone else, borrowing Wooyoung’s body.

                “You’re right,” she replied and then continued stirring the gravy in the pot, and held herself from breaking into tears.

*     *     *     *

               “Thank you Taecyeon, you’re the best. I really appreciate it.”

               He gave the old man a big smile and he replied, “Much pleasure sir. That’s the use of your favourite employee right?” and then he broke into laughter, so did his boss.

               “I’ll be sure to get you the biggest wedding present tomorrow boy.”

               “You better be,” he said in a joking manner before bowing to his boss and departed from the construction site and hopped into his car. He leaned into the driver seat and released a long sigh, and he asked himself what she was doing with Wooyoung. Truth to be told, he did miss Wooyoung. He didn’t remember when was the last he spent time with him alone, probably months ago because of their careers. Both of them were too busy. He brushed his hand over his face and started the engine, letting the heater radiating the heat throughout his body. And then he suddenly remembered something. He fished out his cell phone from his pocket and punched in the numbers of the jewelry store. When someone picked up his call, he then questioned.

               “Hey, I’m just wondering whether the necklaces I ordered weeks ago are done now. Can I pick it up now since tomorrow’s my wedding? And I happened to be nearby your store right now,” he stopped and listened carefully to the answer of the staff and then he continued, “I’ll get there in a few minutes. Thank you.”

               He flipped his phone off and a bright smile was formed on his face and that’s when he stepped on the pedal and started heading towards the store in full of excitement. 

*     *     *     *

               “Is it good?” she asked while having the metal spoon inside . She held her breath when she saw him chewing the steak slowly, and then he swallowed it and said,

               “It’s great.”

               That was when a relief sigh escaped from altogether with a bright smile plastered on her face. She remained staring at his face for a moment before start digging in her steak. It felt good when the flavor of the steak filled , juicy and spicy, just like the way she liked it.

               After they’re done finishing the steak, they remained sitting still at their places while enjoying the champagne she bought earlier and enjoying the song that had filled the entire of the apartment. Without having any talking, that’s when they both realized, that’s the best way to get rid of the awkward barrier between them.

               After a moment letting silence enveloping them, she coughed and settled herself in the chair and finally spoke,

               “So, how’s your life now?”

               He looked up at her and answered, “As usual, busy.”

               “Are you happy?”

               Both of them remained staring at each other for a while, and that’s when she realized she had just asked him a wrong question. She clutched and looked down at the empty plate, and gathered her guts to take back her question but it’s stopped when he suddenly answered her question.

               “It’s quite tiring seeing these old ahjummas asking me to do and that just to please them. But what can I do, they’re my clients. And of course, I’m all happy spending most of my time with Eunmi. She’s—” he stopped and stared at her face, and found out she’s observing his face. He gulped and continued.

               “She’s such a sweet heart and lovely. It’s good being with her.”

               “You like her?” she asked with her natural face.

               He couldn’t help but swallowing hard and he wondered what’d happen if he did his confession now. He closed his eyes for a moment to imagine a scene of the other of him, confessing his love to her and her face with a shock look ghosted over her face. She remained silent until she spoke, “I’m sorry.” He knew there was no happy ending for them. There’d never be. He released a sigh and looked up at her, and that’s when he answered,

               “Well, of course. I do.”

               At that time, she learned how to hate herself. She wondered why his answer could leave such a nuisance effect to her. She felt like she was thrown out the window and being hit by a truck and died on the spot with so much pain on her chest. And she knew it’s wrong because her heart belonged to someone else, not him.

               “Good for you.”

               “I know.”

               She couldn’t stand this anymore. She bet it’d be so much better if she spent her day all alone at her apartment and waited for Taecyeon to come home. That would be so much better. She didn’t have to face all of these and let herself being overtaken by unwanted feelings she had never expected to have. She gathered the wine glass and plate in her hands and set her feet on the ground, heading to the kitchen sink but because of her clumsiness, it’d caused her to trip over her feet and fell on the floor with glasses scattered around her.

               “Shinah, are you okay?!”

               She closed her eyes tightly and her lips shivered and she was trying her best to hold herself from breaking into tears, but too bad luck wasn’t on her side. Tears rolled down on her cheeks and her face was covered by her hair, and it made him to take a moment to realize she’s weeping. He tucked her hair behind her ears and saw a scratch on her lovely face. He knew he had ruined it. Tomorrow’s her wedding day, her big day— the day when she deserved to be given the spotlight and attention. And look at what he had done. He had given her a scratch on her face. She looked up at him, even though she’s ashamed to do so and felt him brushing the pad of his thumb over the scratch while looking straightly in her eyes.

               “I’m sorry,” he said in a slow tone which almost sounded like a whisper but loud enough for her to hear.

               And just like that, she felt his hand pull her closer to his chest— and the old he had officially returned.

*     *     *     *

               When he first stepped into the store, he smelled vanilla. It’s bubbly and amazingly smelled so good to him even though he was never a fan of vanilla. The smell of it filled his nose and he could imagine the gases particles moving down his trachea and filled his lungs. He let out a small laugh, feeling like an idiot having such a biological thought because he was never a fan of biology, in the first place. He contemplated the store and Wow, was the only thing he could say.

               The store was packed.

               A lot of people were there, couples trying rings, women observing jewelries, etcetera. He spotted the female staff by the name of Haneul who had helped him out the other day to pick the right necklaces for him and Shinah. He saw her bowed at him, and then he stepped forward towards her with a smile on his face.

               When he’d made sure of the necklaces to be in a perfect state, the smile which was formed earlier was still there. He was happy and couldn’t help but let the excitement feeling overtake his body. He just couldn’t wait to tell Shinah about this and see the necklaces hanging around their necks.

               “They’re perfect. Thank you.”

               Both he and Haneul walked in pair towards the cashier while having a small chit chat about his plan to have these as his wedding present to Shinah, totally not aware of what’s heading towards the store.

               “Bang!”

               That was what he heard a few seconds after the main entrance of the store was unveiled, and he took a moment to contemplate what was before him— a gang with masks and guns in their hands. They’re dressed fully in black from head to toe, including the guns. He’d always loved this scene in those actions movies he’d watched, but he’d never imagined himself facing the situation. Just like in those movies, all of the customers including the staffs squatted on the floor with their ears being covered by their hands— feeling scared and nothing came across their mind but praying to God to let them get through the situation alive.

               But he didn’t do that because his full attention was paid on a toddler who was crawling towards the gang. It was like a slow motion to him when the first moment he saw the baby crawled while making random noises in joyous until he finally got up as his attempt to save the toddler from being shot and instead, felt a bullet striking right onto his heart.

               He had never thought a 6.5mm bullet had a potential to scatter his heart in just one shot, and less than three seconds.

               He fell on the ground, and felt the world spinning before him. Everything was blurred, except the necklace which was placed inches away from him. His vision kept on blurring and blurring when he’s trying his hard to focus on the carving, and that’s when he’s succeeded.

TY & SA

               A tear rolled down his cheek and the ends of his mouth slowly curved upwards, when her smiling face flashed before him.

               “I’m sorry,” he slowly whispered to himself, wishing she could hear it as he knew she deserved it, after what had happened— after her dream as an ordinary woman wishing for a marriage was ruined.

               Pop!

               Just like that.