“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

C H A P T E R  F I F T E E N

Sometimes I wonder, what I’d done in my previous life. Was I a villain? I

don’t know because there’s never a stack of CDS which can give me a chance

to actually insert them in my DVD player and see what I’d done back then,

which I assume my unanswered questions can be answered. Why? Why? What did

I do? Was I really bad? What did I do to deserve this?

Why? Oh God, why? I’m really dying to know.

               Later, he found himself settling in a steel stool and gulped down the burning tequila down his throat, and felt it dissolved in his stomach. Somehow, the burn felt like it’s killing him and yet, he found himself still breathing— alive.

               No one but him would ever understand how much he felt useless. Who was he? Why was he given a chance to live in this world? He knew better the fact that he didn’t deserve everything he had now. The most important thing, he didn’t think he deserved to live anymore. Especially after what he had done. It’s so cruel. It proved how heartless and selfish he was to actually betray two persons he loved the most after his parents.

               Nothing could change how he truly felt about Shinah and Taecyeon. Ever since the day he’d become their friends, his love for them never faded, not even once. And yet, he knew it wasn’t enough to amend of what he had done. How drastic the changes he had brought in so many lives. He could tell, his existence didn’t bring any good to anyone, not even to himself. So that’s why, what’s the point of him living in this world?

               How bad he wanted to turn back time and he would prevent himself from doing that damned mistake so that everything would be okay, like what it should’ve been in the first place. He knew, he should’ve accepted it as a part of the nature of living, but somehow, deep inside him, he’s the one who should be blamed to for Taecyeon’s death. His mistake— because of his selfishness. There’s no other thing that could make him hate himself this much except what he’d done that night.

               Before he could remember what he was doing, he now, was standing in front of Taecyeon’s gravestone. Standing alone at the graveyard accompanied by the darkness and the sound of crickets should’ve terrified him, when he’s in his normal state. But this time was different. His whole body went numb, not experiencing anything other than pain. His eyes glued on the carving on the stone.

THE GOOD SON

THE LOYAL FRIEND

               There should’ve been another one. The one he deserved the most.

THE LOVING HUSBAND

Then, he felt his tears trickled down his cheeks. How could he do that? Oh God. No one knew how sorry he was. How stupid he was.

               “I’m so sorry Taec. I’m so sorry.”

               He closed his eyes, tracing back the memories he used to share with Taecyeon. The trust he had been given by him.

               “Gosh, I’m really sorry.”

               After that, he didn’t remember anything but he could feel the impact of his body collapsing on the ground, accompanied by nothing but darkness and loneliness.

* * * *

               After Wooyoung had left her alone, she slipped away from the happy guests without attempting to hide away her tears, escaped from the curious glares shot by everyone. Her head was killing her. Her toes were in agony. But she didn’t care about them. All what she cared about was how much she actually wanted to kill herself.

               She wondered, was she a forgetful person? Because to be honest, she couldn’t remember herself doing bad things that could make her a person who deserved the most to be punished like this. Why must her life be filled with a lot of sorrows and grieves?

               She wondered why God hated her this much. Wasn’t it enough already? Taking Taecyeon away from her. And now, Wooyoung? When she thought everything was perfect? When she thought her life was finally meaningful and had found the strength to live her life to the fullest without any penitence?

               Before she could remember what she was actually doing, she was already sitting on the stool while tracing her index finger around the rim of the glass filled with strong liquor.

               “Hey, you okay?”

               She jerked her gaze away from the marble counter top to the face of the bartender who had worked at the bar for nearly three years, who was also a good listener by the name of Hwang Chansung. She shrugged and raised the glass to make a contact with her lips but never did she know her action would be stopped when Chansung suddenly snatched the glass from her grip.

               “I think you’ve had enough.”

               “No, I think I need more,” she groaned and tried to reach for the beer but considering the fact that Chansung was much taller than she was, it was beyond her reach.

               “Ughhh! I ing hate you! I ing hate my life!”

               After she had screamed with all her might, she dropped her head on the counter top, and let Chansung faced with the curios glares given by people who’d filled the club.

               “What’s wrong with you and Wooyoung acting so moody tonight?”

               Hearing his name caused her head to jolt upwards and stare at his face with her bulging eyes. And she wasn’t even sure why she did that.

               “He was here?”

               “He did come here, but he left nearly an hour before you came.”

               She nodded, trying to imagine how he was like. Was he…..miserable? Or was he…like usual? She didn’t know why but she suddenly could feel guilt filling her chest. Up to this point, she felt like she didn’t know herself anymore. She felt like she was someone else. A stranger, to be exact. Was it normal to feel like this? She couldn’t even understand her own feelings. Only God knew how much she hated herself. Why couldn’t she be firm with the decision she’d made?

               “Here you go.”

               She looked up at Chansung and shot him her confused look. She tilted her face to the right side, examining the glass filled with peachy colour drink. She had no idea why but it was hard for her to identify what the drink actually was. She was familiar with the colour and the smell of the drink, but somehow, she couldn’t manufacture what it actually was.

               “What is this?” she asked.

               “It’s peach.”

               “Ahh, of course, I know,” she lied.

               “Is this a flavoured beer?”

               Before he could answer her question, she had already taken a sip and like what he’d expected, she spat the amount she had consumed.

               “ you, liar!”

               “Hey, watch your mouth.”

               “Go to hell!”

               And just like that, she rolled her eyes to him before she steadied herself by placing her both hands on the marble counter top. She then turned her body to the other way round, attempting to walk away without knowing where she’s actually headed to. Her mind was spinning like it was some kind of Merry Go Round, not being able to think properly. Before she could remember what she was actually doing, she felt her body meeting the ground and her vision was packed with a blank black canvas with Wooyoung’s voice plastering in her head.

               “I’m sorry.”

* * * *

               A couple of reasons why Hwang Chansung liked being a bartender were;

1. It guaranteed him money.

2. He liked alcohol and mixing drinks.

3. He’d got nothing else to do.

4. He liked seeing those y chicks grinding on the dance floor and sometimes when they flirt with him. (seeing those was an extra for him)

5. He liked listening to people’s problems.

               One thing he liked about Wooyoung’s when he’s drunk, he’d do stupid things like the other time when he did the pole dance and even tried to strip while doing it. He seriously couldn’t imagine himself doing that, not even when he’s drunk and for that, he should give a salute to Wooyoung for being so bold.

But this time, seeing how sorrow he was with the sad expression he’d rarely seen on Wooyoung’s face whenever he came to have a drink or chat with him, he felt nothing but curious and sorry for his buddy at the same time. He was itching to ask him questions, but he’s able to resist himself from doing that as he knew when this thing happened, the best thing he could do was to leave him alone until he’s all ready to spill everything to him on the ‘Spill Session’.

               When he saw Wooyoung did a hand gesture to him asking for another drink, instead of fulfilling what he wanted, Chansung filled a tall glass with cold plain water and placed it in front of drunk Wooyoung. Chansung knew Wooyoung didn’t know the water wasn’t the alcohol like what he’d requested for when he saw Wooyoung didn’t even bother to unveil his eyes and sipped the water.

               “CHANSUNG!!”

               That’s what he heard. He had no idea whether it’s a mistake or what, but he smiled in amusement but hid it right away before he stalked towards Wooyoung, this time with his eyes opened.

               “Yes, Wooyoung?”

               “Goddamn it this isn’t ing what I ing wanted! This is ing plain water!”

               “God, I know! Stop cussing! It doesn’t suit you at all.”

               “Ugggh!” Wooyoung groaned and rested his forehead on the countertop.

               “Wooyoung. Wooyoung.” Chansung nudged him on the head but he didn’t even stir. He let out a sigh and left him alone when he saw another customers requested for their drinks. After he’d done with his works, he went back to where Wooyoung’s at, and this time, he saw Wooyoung rested his chin on his folded hand and trailed the rim of the glass with his index finger of his free hand.

               “Hey, you okay?” Chansung asked and he wondered why he felt stupid by asking him that.

               But instead of answering his question, Wooyoung remained silent and continued twirling his fingers around the rim of the glass, as if Chansung didn’t exist. Chansung let out a sigh and poured water for him and settled himself across Wooyoung. It took him a couple of sips before Wooyoung finally spoke.

               "Chansung?"

               “What?”

               “Have you ever felt the same way?” Wooyoung asked.

               “Like what?”

               “Like….like….like you know— like you don’t deserve breathing the air with everyone else after what you’d caused. After what you’d put in the lives of people you loved. Like….” He stopped to burp.

               “Like…like you just need to run away as you can’t stand with yourself anymore. Not even another day. Another hour. Another minute. Not even another second,” he stopped to look at Chansung face and then he sighed.

               “I don’t want to sound insane but I can’t stand the pressure. I feel hopeless for every single time. The guilt will never set me free, you know?”

               Chansung wasn’t sure what he’s supposed to say anything to him. He wasn’t even sure whether he was supposed to answer Wooyoung or not. So, he remained silent and let his curiosity filled his whole body and tried to listen to Wooyoung first before he shower him with his questions later.

               “Have you ever felt like ending your life? For the sake of your loved ones. Because the truth, I have. And let me tell you, it’s worse. So, if I die in real—”

               “Wooyoung.”

               He had had to cut him off. He didn’t like where this was going.

               Wooyoung lifted his hand in the air and he said, “No, no no, don’t you even think. Just let me finish this. You,” he pointed his index fingers on his face and waved shakily as he continued, “You— all what you need to do is to listen to whatever I want to say.” He then stopped to brush his burning face with his hand and rested it on the counter, with his eyes closed.

               “I do know that I don’t deserve people to come and mourn my eternal departure but all what I want is to have people I loved around me for the last time and do what I wished for when I die. That’s all what I want. Simple, isn’t it?” he stopped to look at Chansung and chuckled, but the sad one.

               “But somehow, the thought of that makes me feel so selfish. I knew why. It’s obvious. It’s because of….because I don’t deserve it.”

               Before he could say anything that could at least soothe with whatever Wooyoung felt at that time, his vision was packed by the sight of Wooyoung stood on the ground unsteadily and bumped the stool before he turned around and left the bar, until he was completely gone from Chansung’s sight. And Chansung wondered whether his action of letting him go was the right thing to do, or the other way round.

* * * *

               Wooyoung couldn’t remember what’d happened last night except the moment when he felt everything spun around him and when he finally lost in the battle of surviving as he collapsed on the ground. His eyes squinted as the sunlight streamed through the curtain in a stealthy manner, totally gave a shock to his eyes. It took him a moment to get used to it, until he’s able to unveil his eyes normally and slowly got up and settled in a sitting position.

               He also didn’t remember being moved from the graveyard to a room. He knew he wasn’t in his room when he smelled the unfamiliar scent of the room. His room had always smelled like his aftershave but this one, it smelled like grass. He scratched his head and he could feel the hangover hadn’t settled in. Only God knew how much he hated hangover. When he’d gotten out from the bed and started dragging his feet towards the bathroom in leaden footsteps, his track was stopped when the door was swung open and there’s a guy in a black robe with a cross chain settled around his neck. A priest. He assumed he’s a middle aged man with that salt and pepper hair and those wrinkles formed on his face.

               “You’re awake,” the man said with no expression on his face.

               “Yes,” he answered with a bow, as he thought it’s the right thing to do when it comes to dealing with a priest. He wasn’t a catholic. He never was and now, he wasn’t sure what he’s supposed to be doing when it comes to dealing with God’s favourite men.

               “Brush your teeth young man, and let’s eat breakfast together.”

               And then he’s gone. Wooyoung remained standing still while keeping his eyes locked on the white door, starting to realize what had come upon his life now. He shook his head in a way to tamp down whatever he was thinking as he thought it did nothing but make him feel worse. He then went into the bathroom and brushed his teeth using the new toothbrush. With just splashing his face with the cold water which was good enough to fully awake him from his sleepiness, he descended the stairs and was welcomed by a table served with morning dishes and the very same man.

               “Settle down.”

               He did like what he was told to. He sat across the man and he couldn’t help but avert his gaze awkwardly from the man’s face when he saw the man prayed before he finally started digging in. After they’d done consuming the simple breakfast and doing the dishes, both of them settled in the chairs back, sitting across each other once again.

               “Tell me young man, what’s gotten into you?”

               “What do you mean?” Wooyoung asked.

               “I doubt you’re happy when I saw your unconscious body at the graveyard.”

               “I was…lost.”

               “Do you know what the punishment is when you lie?”

               Hell yeah.

               “I was….I was upset.”

               “And why is that?”

               “Is this some kind of confession thingy?” Wooyoung asked. “Like, well, like in those movies, shouldn’t we at least sit in different booths?”

               “What’s the use of that when you knew it’s going to be me you’re confessing to?”

               And he didn’t know how to reply that. It made sense anyway, even though it sounded so weird and wrong to him.

               “I don’t know.”

               “You don’t know about what?”

               “I don’t know whether I’m supposed to do this or not. I don’t….I don’t understand. It’s complicated.”

               “Then, make it less so that I can understand it and may God give us a way to solve this problem of yours.”

               He closed his eyes, and before he could remember what he was doing, he found himself telling his very own story to a middle-aged priest— a stranger to be correct. He didn’t know whether it’s the right thing to do or not but at the same time, he didn’t understand why but it actually made him feel— relaxed and lighter.

               “It’s not your fault young man. A lot of people have encountered this and you’re nothing different than them. The similarity between you and these people are all of you aren’t guilty. It’s you who think you are. Let’s take this as an example, you fell, and you felt nothing, you felt so normal and walked like what you’d encountered was nothing. But then when you realized you actually had a wound and saw blood flowing from it, you panicked and eventually, you felt the pain. You see the difference? When you didn’t bother to think about it, you felt nothing. You felt normal, but then, once you’d committed yourself into worrying and thinking about it too much, you started to feel the pain. You won’t feel the pain, if you don’t bother to.”

               “But…what I did was unforgiveable.”

               “That’s what you think. You never ask opinion from people, did you? Let alone asking forgiveness from people who deserved it the best.”

               Wooyoung remained in silence and stared blankly into his lap, absorbing whatever the man had said. He was right. He never asked any forgiveness from Shinah nor Taecyeon nor those people who he’d brought changes into their lives. And that’s when he realized it’d been him who’d been torturing him all these while.

               Himself.

               “It’s better to make changes before it’s too late. Don’t repeat the same damned mistake I made when I was once your age.”

               Wooyoung lifted his face and looked at the man, and finally, he understood what he meant.

               Everything. Every single word.

-

AUTHOR'S NOTE: hello everyone. (just in case there's still a soul reading this.) it just has been ages since the last time i updated, eh? if i do the maths, it's already been seven months..... wow that's long. there's a lot of reasons why i haven't updated in ages. it's partially because, first, i used to have a beta-reader for this story and i was planning to wait for her to do her work up until where i've written but somehow, something bad happened where she'd lost her pendrive which she'd stored my story in it. which it also means that all of her efforts at editing my story was gone. poof! just like that. i was quite disappointed and sad when i heard about this, but there's nothing that can be done. after that, i tried to find a new beta-reader because i reaaaally want someone to edit my story. so that it'll be somehow, flawless? but i didn't manage to find one. so, this is the big reason why i haven't updated in ages. and the second reason was, to be quite honest, i was thinking of stopping updating after the 14th chapter because, i don't know, maybe there's something to do with the lack of feedbacks but i just don't feel like posting it here anymore. but, on the other note, i'm still writing this story, although it's slower than the pace of a normal snail when it slides(?) or walks or whatever the right term is. so, hrm, i don't know what's gotten into me but suddenly, today, i feel like updating after so long. oh and, the third reason why i haven't updated in so long was actually because, this chapter held so many detailed things. just in case you've missed it, chansung was introduced as a bartender and he was also the one in the first chapter. the one who'd called shinah to pick wooyoung up when he was drunk. and, the part when wooyoung asked chansung about him dying in the future and all, it was actually the quote in the prologue. just check it out if you want to. this is my first time writing an author's note. just felt like doing it and this is the main reason why i don't really like the idea of leaving an author's note because i tend to write a lot. i'll stop it right here. have a nice day everyone.