“It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

C H A P T E R  T E N

I am grateful, knowing the fact that I’ve been given a chance to redeem my

mistakes of what I have done and this time, I won’t waste it. I’ll cherish it,

use it wisely, for a better future. No more wounds for people I love. I promise.

No more. And yet, at the same time, I’ve learned to know that I was blinded all

these while after Taec’s death. I didn’t see anything but to fill my sorrow which

I had ended up coating myself with my ugly selfishness.

       There’s nothing I could say other than sorry.

               A month had passed already and yet, she still had a trouble to let him go. Even though he was nowhere to be seen, but she could feel his presence, walking by her side when she walked down the sidewalk, lied next to her when she’s in the bed dreaming of him, ate the breakfast even though the plate she’d set for him wasn’t touched at all and when she was in the bath tub, remembering the moment when they took their bath together. She had tried, a countless time to let him go, to set her heart free but somehow, she found it hard and she thought it was impossible for her to do so.

               , she did know that. She knew she’d been acting like an idiot for these past weeks, lifeless. She felt like a robot. Her body did move around and did what it took to live like a human being but there’s no soul in it. She kept on trying and trying to get herself to be in the Heaven, being next to him, snuggle and kiss him like she used to do for every single day. But she knew it was impossible and the only thing to achieve that is by taking her life away. But somehow, she wondered whether she deserved to be in the Heaven when she’s finally gone or not.

               She knew the answer.

               It’s a No.

               Who’s she anyway to have such a rank to be placed in the Heaven? She knew she didn’t deserve it after what she’d done in her life. And it had been two weeks since the last time Wooyoung accompanied her. Well, she knew the best that he had his own life to deal with and there’s no way he’s going to keep her a company for the entire time and she’s all ready to set her heart free from Taecyeon’s embrace. Even though she acted like his presence didn’t bring any good to her, but on the inside, it did. She’s just too afraid to show that to him, to show him how weak she was, to show how much she actually needed him because that even made her feel pathetic. If she could say such a thing about herself, just imagine what he would have said about her. It must have been worse than that. 

               But two weeks was too long for her. She couldn’t cope with that. Two weeks having to sleep alone, without having a chance to see his body lying down on the floor and his body curled like a caterpillar made her feel like a day seemed like a week to her. As a matter of fact, she felt like she’d been living alone for fourteen weeks even though in real it’s just two weeks. A sigh escaped from and she dropped the metal fork down on the plate which the sound of the metal scraped against the plate echoed the entire apartment. That proved how empty the house now, as if no one was living in there— which was kind of true.

               She jumped in her seat a little when she’s awakened by the sound of the house phone ringing. She brushed her hand over her chest, an attempt to calm her heart to relax from the tension and then she got up from her seat and reached for the house phone afterwards.

               “Hello.”

               “Ms. Lee.”

               Shoot. She cursed in her mind, when she was very sure it’s her boss.

               “How do you do?”

               “I’m doing fine.”

               “Ohh. I was hoping to hear a bad news from you.”

               She knew what her boss meant. She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose, started feeling tense.

               “Just so you know, I’m here to inform you that you’ll be getting two more days off and after that, if you don’t show up, I’m so sorry to tell you but I’ll have to fire you because I can’t deal with the fuss here.”

               “Yes, ma’am.”

               “That’s all. Take care.”

               Take care.

               She had heard it a countless times already beside I’m so sorry for your loss and Be strong. Well, she knew people cared about how she felt but somehow, those lines couldn’t make up the permanent damages in her heart. No matter what they’re about to do and say, they’re useless. Her brain had accepted the fact that he’s gone, but somehow, her heart refused to face the reality. She’s still in her world, being locked in a cage by her stubborn and broken heart.

               That’s when she realized that sometimes even your own body can be your biggest enemy.

*     *     *     *

               “Do you remember this?”

               And she waited for his voice to hit her eardrum but instead, she heard nothing. She closed her eyes, a sigh escaped from and she tightened her coat around her body. It was ridiculously windy and cold, and yet, she’s here, standing with all of the preparations to fly.

               “Ok Taecyeon, I’m asking you. Do you remember this?”

               Silence.

               “ you. Really. you. Go die,” she stopped, and let out a laugh, “Well, you’re already dead. I should’ve asked something else.”

               And her vision was blurred, and then tears started rolling down her cheeks as soon as she’d ended her sentences.

               “I hate you.”

                started shivering, and she couldn’t help but biting it and let the tears streaming down— fast like there’s no way to stop it. When she’d started hiccupping, she brought her hand to and covered it, hard that she could tell it left a red mark on her face. She remained weeping hard for a moment before she looked up at the sky and stared at the full moon.

               “Did you miss me? I miss you so much. Ok Taecyeon, did you miss me?”

               She remained her gaze at the canvas of the sky and saw the starts twinkling, she imagined him replying “Yes, I do.”

               But that’s not what she wanted. She wanted to hear his voice, saying those words.

               “Are you ing mute when you’re dead?! Or are you too happy with your life in heaven, leaving me behind like a ?!” she stopped and closed her eyes, gulped and then she screamed, “I ING HATE YOU!! WATCH ME NOW, I’LL MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE, LEAVING YOU ALONE! YOU ING DESERVE THAT!”

               And now, she’s suffocating for air from screaming too much in a way to release her anger. She knew he knew she didn’t mean what she said. She loved him— way too much that it took ages to move on with her life without his presence. She needed him. She wanted to be with him. He’s all that she wanted at that time. 

               She fell on the ground, and that had scraped her knee when it brushed against a rock. Even though her face didn’t tell how hurt it was, but indeed, she could feel the pain but it couldn’t be at the same level how painful her heart felt at that time. It felt like it was scrapped all over place and scattered which she thought it’d be hard to attach them together after this.

               “I love you. I miss you. I really need you. What else do you want to hear so that you’ll come back? I miss you Taecyeon. I really miss you. Do you hate me? Do you like seeing me like this? I hated it. I need you. Please. Come back.”

               She continued weeping by herself while still kneeling on the ground with her both hands covering her face. She thought she was alone, but she didn’t know her night was bright and colourful— all of the lights were emitted by the buildings, houses and streetlights in Seoul accompanied her.

               She didn’t realize that, because she was selfish— and blinded. 

*     *     *     *

               As soon as all of the projects which he was assigned to finish by the end of the week had finished, he quickly reached for his coat which was draped on the back of his chair and thundered out but he’s stopped when Eunmi suddenly barged in with two coffees in her hands.

               “Wooyoung, where are you going?”

               “Home.”

               “Don’t lie. You’re heading to Shinah’s right?”

               He stopped with whatever he was doing at that time and looked at her face, and a sigh escaped from his mouth.

               “Eunmi please, she has no one else.”

               “I never said you can’t go though.”

               She stared at him with her natural face, but her right eyebrow rose.

               “Then what are you doing here?” he asked while tapping his foot on the floor.

               “Err, you said you wanted to treat me a dinner the other night. And, today is the day.”

               . .

                He cursed silently in his mind for forgetting about it. He closed his eyes tightly and scraped his neck, not having the guts to have an eye contact with her.

               “It’s okay. I understand. Someday later, okay?”

               “No. No. I hate breaking promises. Just, come with me. I’ll make it fast, promise.”

               He walked fast, leaving her behind who was trying her best to jog after him with the coffees in her hands. She knew she’d forgotten to bring over her coat, but she knew there’s no time for her to turn to the other round and bring it together with her.

               When they’re in the car, he said nothing but immediately secured himself by strapping the seatbelt and started the engine. He turned his face towards her direction when he heard the passenger seat was opened and the sound of her suffocating for air.

               His gaze stopped when he saw a dark stain on her blouse. “Eunmi what are—” he stopped and it clicked, “Damn, oh gosh I’m so sorry,” he slapped himself on the forehead and searched for a napkin and lent it to her.

               “I’m very sorry. I should’ve slowed down.”

               She took the napkin and brushed it over the coffee stain and said, “Don’t be. It’s my fault anyway. I was too careless.”

               “But it was me—”

               “Wooyoung, we should get going. I’m sure you don’t want to make Shinah waiting.”

               He went stiff when she heard her saying that. Was she waiting for him in the first place? Of course not. He bet there must be no place for him to exist in her mind.

               “I’m sure she’s doing something else.”

               “Wooyoung, you know you’re important in her life.”

               Hearing that made him stare at her face, swimming in her beautiful eyes.

               “Eunmi, why are you such a sweetheart?”

               “Because I’m cute like Tinkerbell.”

               He let out a small laugh and started heading towards her apartment, trying to calm him down by humming his favourite song. He knew she wasn’t going to do anything that could have possibly harmed her. He knew. He trusted her. But somewhere deep inside him, he knew he was just convincing himself.

               When he had pulled over in the parking lot, both of them rushed out from the car and went straight towards her apartment. He punched the bell and waited for a moment. He could hear the echo of the bell filling the apartment from outside. Even though he knew he could have just unlocked the door and went in, but instead he’d decided not to do that because he wanted to give her some privacy and independence.

               He punched the bell again, and there’s no answer. A sigh escaped from his mouth before he fished out the spare keys out from his pocket and unlocked the door. And like what he’d expected, it’s empty. He’d been lying to himself that she’d be okay, watching TV or eating dinner even though he knew the chance for it to happen was only less than ten percent. He called out her name, but no answer. He and Eunmi searched all over the apartment, everywhere, even underneath the bed and yet, she’s nowhere to be seen. Panic rushed over his whole entire body.

               “,” he muttered under his breath, “Where the hell are you Shinah?”

               “Maybe you should call her?”

               And he did like what Eunmi had suggested. It took two phone calls until someone finally picked up.

               “Shinah, where are you?”

               “I’m so sorry. I’m not the owner of this phone.”

               His eyebrows knotted in confusion, and he asked, “Then, who are you?”

               “Maybe you should come here and pick her up. She’s drunk and she’s unconscious.”

               “Tell me where she is.”

*     *     *     *

               “Ugh,”she groaned when he and Eunmi had slowly put her in his bed. She scrunched her face, which looked like she’s in disgust and rolled to the side, grabbing a pillow and he could hear her soft snore. A sigh escaped from his mouth and he pulled the cover up to her waist, brushing her bangs to the back.

               “Uhm, I think I should go.”

               He turned his body to the other round in order to face her, but the only thing he saw was her back. Eunmi was already walking towards the door.

               “Eunmi—” he called out her name and it’s good enough to stop her track.

               “Yeah?”

               He scraped his neck while hesitating, not knowing whether it’s a good thing to ask her to stay over tonight or not because he totally didn’t want to undress Shinah by himself as he knew it was wrong and there’s no way he, a man could resist the temptation. Not forgetting to mention that they’d be all alone. He was afraid a beast might possess his body. There’s in no way he was going to let this happen. When he looked up, he saw her eyes were on his face and that’s when he walked towards her.

               “I need your help.”

               “What is it?”

               “Could you please stay here for a night?”

               “Wooyoung, I don’t think—”

               “Eunmi, I really need your help. You know I can’t undress her all by myself. I really need your help. Please.”

               A sigh escaped from before she replied, “Okay, fine.”

               “Thank you so much.”

               “What do you want me to do?”

               “Undress her and, hrm change her clothes for me? Oh and about your blouse, gosh I’ll send it for a dry cleaning tomorrow and I’ll give you some clothes to put on.”

               “Okay.”

               When Shinah was only in bra and lying in the bed before her— still sleeping, now Eunmi realized how pretty she actually was. Her skin was perfect, smooth, porcelain, the colour of peach— so different from hers. Hers was pale, and nothing special about it that could make guys fall in love with her. She traced her eyes to every feature she had and a pang of jealousy suddenly hit her. No wonder every one adored her. She’s perfect and lovely, the type every man would fall in love with. She shook her head and got back to her senses because she felt that it’s awkward gawking at a female body, and started wiping her body with wet towel, just to remove the sweats and dirt on her body. She even put some ointment on the wound, and it made Shinah to wince in pain. After she’s done with that, she slowly fit in his clothes on her frame and she looked ridiculously small in those clothes. Then, she took the basin together with her and walked out from the room and she was welcomed with a sight of Wooyoung standing in front of her.

               “You scared me.”

               “I’m sorry, give me that,” he reached for the basin and held it, and then he said, “Thank you so much Eunmi. I owe you a big time.”

               “You’re welcome.”

               “You can sleep in the guest room. Oh and you can wear my clothes. But, they’re quite big though, since well, they’re mine and I’m big to compare with you. Sorry about that.”

               She let out a small laugh even though she had no energy left as she’d gone through a lot of things today. It’s very tiring.

               “Thanks and where are you sleeping anyway?” she asked and stared at his face, and it’s all silence. Then she saw the corner of his eyes were directing at the door of the room where Shinah’s sleeping in it. She let out a small sigh, and nodded then she said,

               “Oh I see.”

               Of course he’d be sleeping in the same room with Shinah. He wouldn’t dare to leave her alone. And after seeing how she was today, Eunmi finally realized that Shinah was fragile, and could break in any time. She’s needed to be handled with care.

               When he’d fully interpreted her sentence, he couldn’t help but scoffing.

               “I’m not that ert. Of course my bed tonight is my couch.”

               She smiled and yawned.

               “Thanks again,” he said.

               She nodded and turned her body to the other round, heading towards the guest room but her track was stopped, and she turned her body to the other round to face him whose body was facing towards her direction.

               “Mind if I ask a question?”

               “Yes, sure.”

               “What makes you love her?”

               He was silent for a while before his mouth opened and answered, “Everything about her.”

               “Like what I’d expected,” she smiled and then she continued, “Good answer anyway. Good night.”

               “Good night,” he answered back, kept his eyes on her until she got into the guest room and the sound of the door shut filled his ears.

*     *     *     *

               When she woke up in the morning, she took a moment to contemplate the room and realized it wasn’t hers. She blinked her eyes for a couple of times and got up, and ended up in a sitting position, and then it immediately clicked.

               It’s his room.

               She rubbed her head to get rid of the pain.

               “Ugh,” she groaned.

               She hated hangover. She started questioning herself. How did she end up here? If she wasn’t mistaken, after she drank a couple of sojus (seven bottles actually), it was blank. She didn’t remember anything after that. She got off the bed and stood in front of the mirror, and realized she’s in Wooyoung’s clothes. She smoothed the clothes and stared at her reflection for awhile, and then she realized she really needed a haircut. Her hair looked ridiculously awful and she bet she didn’t want to disgust people by staring at her.

               A sigh escaped from , and she turned the door knob and got out from the room. The first thing that welcomed her was him. He was still sleeping on the couch and his body curled like it always did, like a caterpillar. A thin smile was formed on her face and when she’s about to walk towards him, she jumped in surprise when a voice hit her eardrum.

               “Ohh it’s you. Good morning.”

               She saw a woman. It took her seven seconds to learn the fact that the woman was actually Eunmi. She was smiling at her, with a pan in her hands, standing before the stove, in his kitchen, in his apartment. She remained staring at her— was completely numbed to let words escape from that could be a reply to her greetings or return a smile to her. And it didn’t help at all when she found out Eunmi was in his pajamas, his favourite.

               Her present for his 18^th birthday.

               At that time, she felt like the scattered pieces of her heart scattered even more, forming little pieces then they already were after Taecyeon’s death.

               She was oblivious of why it happened though.

               But what she knew the best was it’d surely take ages to put them back together.