“There is no love without forgiveness,

          And there is no forgiveness without love.”

C H A P T E R  S I X T E E N

God— does he even exist? Can someone please help me by giving me an answer

for this? If you’re telling me He does, then tell me, where’s He when

I need Him the most? Why is He treating me like this? What did I do?

Why can’t He ing give me any answer for that? When will He ever give

me a peaceful life?

       Why must He make me hate even myself?

               She could smell his scent clinging to her body, permanent. She could still remember how she had always wanted to remember his scent when he had gone to the boarding school because she was afraid that someday, she might forget it— like he would not exist in her life anymore.

               But at that time, it didn’t happen. No matter how desperate she wanted it, it never happened.

               Now, she wondered, why, when she despised it, it would give a negative feedback, clinging to her— forever like it’s something she needed to survive her day. As she thought of the only way to stop having him circulating on her mind, she forced herself to lift her heavy eyelids. A couple of minutes were required for her to perform that act. The first thing she did when her eyes snapped open was she screamed at the top of her lungs.

               She did that, indeed. Despite how tired and sleepy she was.

               She wondered why and how on earth she ended up lying on the same bed with Chansung. Due to her surprise, it caused her to fall backwards first on her butts, bringing the quilt with her, covering her chest. And that’s when she remembered it. She took a fast glance, just to make sure whether they had something going on last night or not because she really couldn’t remember a thing about it. All she remembered was how bad her mood was and how many drinks she had last night. That was when she thought she could breathe normally, when she found out she was still fully clothed, but with man’s clothes.

               “Hwang Chansung!!!” she screamed again. But this time, she reached for the pillow she had used for the entire night and slammed his head, with all her might.

               “Shinah what are you doing?!”

               “What? You freaking asked me what I’m doing?!” that’s when another slam met his head again.

               “Stop it! Stop it!”

               But she refused to listen. She kept slamming his head, and when he was able to snatch the pillow from her grip, her eyes shut tightly, and that’s when she used another alternative. She had decided to use her both hands by her hands into fists and hitting his body vigorously.

               “Shinah!”

               That was the last word she heard coming out from his mouth before she felt her body being grabbed by two big hands, her body being turned over and felt the impact when her body met the mattress. Her hair spilled everywhere and her chest rose and fell simultaneously in such a fast manner, due to the acts that she’d done just now.

               “Shinah, what are you—”

               She had cut off his question by hitting him hard on the chest, but she thought it wasn’t good enough as he didn’t even budge, but he responded by scrunching his face in pain and letting the ‘ufff’ sound.

               “Shinah, oww that hurts.”

               “Get.Off.Me.” she stated while gritting her teeth.

               “No. I won’t do that. It won’t do anything to me but have you hitting me all over again without giving me a chance to explain the whole situation.”

               “No, get off me. This is awkward.”

               “I don’t care.”

               “I SAID GET OFF ME!”

               “NO MEANS NO AND WHY ARE YOU SO FREAKING MAD?!”

               Because it brought back the memories when she and Wooyoung made love the other night. She didn’t like it. Because she thought it resembled her betrayal to Taecyeon. As much as she wanted to forget about it, she couldn’t because it’s something special and out of ordinary to her. How perfect they were. How passionate it was. She had never thought of having these feelings making love with him. Well, yes, of course she had imagined making love with him back then but she had never bothered to think about the aftermath that would affect her. Because to her, making love with him was out of her league, let alone having the aftermath after doing it.

               “Shinah, I didn’t mean to.”

               She didn’t get what Chansung was saying until she felt her own tears trickling down the side of her cheek.

               “I’m sorry,” he apologized and this time, he moved to the other side, letting her free.

               “I’m really sorry. Do you want tissue?”

               She nodded.

               He gave him her time to cool down and wipe her tears before he explained everything.

               “Yesterday, we didn’t do anything. Seriously. I didn’t do anything to you, except changing your clothes. Well, hrm, I did see your bra and but it thought it wouldn’t mean anything to you because well, what do you wear when you go to the beach? Bikini right? So, yeah I imagined them as a pair of bikini. That’s all. And it was like done in a split of second. No kidding,” he stopped because he had to look how this was going, whether she was buying what he said or not. Nothing really showed on her face so he wasn’t exactly sure what she was thinking and feeling, but it was nothing close to getting furious. He then gulped, and continued.

               “And about the sleeping part, let me tell you, I was actually planning to sleep on the couch, giving you the privacy you deserved the most, but then, it was so cold outside. I forgot that the heater’s broke. And my heat blanket was placed underneath the cover of this bed. That’s why I had to sleep next to you on the same bed. I’m really sorry about that. But, I swear to you, I didn’t do anything. I slept like you weren’t next to me.”

               All what she wanted to do at that time was smack his head once again, but she knew she couldn’t do that as when she gave more thoughts about it, it wasn’t exactly his fault. All what he did was try to help her. If he didn’t bring her home and change her clothes, something bad might have happened to her by now. She might be sleeping on the sidewalk and having her vomit all over her clothes. After she had summed up whatever she had in her mind, she looked at him who was currently looking at her with a curious expression.

               “Okay, apology accepted.”

               A smile was manufactured instantly.

               “Thanks Shinah and no worries, I’ll cook the most delicious breakfast you ever had in your life.”

               She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, right. You better don’t disappoint me.”

               “I won’t. If I happen to, then, don’t hesitate to smack my head again.”

               “You better keep your promise.”

               “Sure thing.”

               After that, he jumped out from the bed and went straight towards the kitchen, and that’s when she learned the fact that he only had a pair of boxers on.

*     *     *     *

               After she had spent an hour waiting for her clothes to dry by watching the TV with Chansung and having to deal with his cheekiness, she finally departed from his house and went straight to her apartment. This time, it was different. She was never a fan of listening to music while walking down the sidewalk but she forced herself to, trying to grow fond of it. Because she thought that doing things she was never a fan of might teach her how to forget the things she had always favoured since forever.

               Take Wooyoung as an example.

               Gradually, after having thirty minute walk from the bus stop, she had finally reached her apartment. She wasn’t sure whether it’s her or it’s the surrounding itself which seemed different, not like what she remembered. Not only how different it looked like but the smell also gave a strange fragrance to her. She had no idea what word to use to describe it the best. As she thought curiosity’s getting best of her, she had decided to tamp down whatever she was feeling and thinking because she thought it’d do nothing but causing troubles.

               Truth to be told, apart from the moment when she had Wooyoung in her mind reminding her of them making love this morning, she didn’t think of him at all. It didn’t mean that she didn’t want to but it seemed like the big space which was reserved especially for him all these while had been demolished right away when she was informed about his betrayal. But when she saw his figure sitting in front of her apartment, she dared to swear to God, she felt like her heart was putting back the scattered small pieces which were broken the moment when the truth was revealed for his ing sake.

               “Shinah.”

               His voice. His ing voice. God. Only she knew how much she hated herself now. How could she admit that she missed that voice? That betrayer’s voice? Why couldn’t she ing stand on her ground?

               In a split of second, her body went still. She couldn’t move, even though she had told her brain to do so a numerous times already. When she felt that she was at the verge of breaking into tears, she shut her eyes off as she didn’t want to show him how she exactly felt about him.

               That she still needed him.

               That she actually didn’t want to throw him away from her life albeit what he had done.

               That she still loved him.

               “Shinah.”

               When she heard him calling out her name for the second time, that’s when she was able to move her hand and she tried her best to fish out the keys. When she’d finally retrieved the keys, without bothering to unveil her eyes, she walked towards the door— believing her memory.

               “Shinah—”

               At this point, she knew he was closer. And it could be proven when she felt her hand bring grabbed by him from her right side.

               “Shinah.”

               And that was it.

               “Wooyoung, please!”

               “Shinah— please.”

               She held up her hand, giving him a sign to stay away from her— not to have the guts to even think about having another contact with her because no one knew what she’s going to do if he did. She’s afraid she might lose to his touches—the touches which she had always been longing for. She knew so well that they’re her weaknesses.

               “Shinah, don’t cry.”

               She had no idea about that. She really didn’t know she’d been crying. She thought she was strong enough but never did she know even her own self had betrayed her. She raised her hand and wiped her cheeks, just to make sure whether he’s telling the truth or the other way round. But turned out she did cry and he told her the truth.

               Before she remembered what she was doing, she was suddenly kneeling on the floor. Her things were scattered all over the place, but she didn’t care about them. What she cared about was how much she hated herself. How much she despised him for having the power to make her lose in her own battle. Why couldn’t she be firm with her decision: to let him go? Why? Why couldn’t she do the same thing to him like what she did by letting Taecyeon go months ago? Why must he torture her like this?

               Why must God hate her this much?

               When she felt the tickling of his fingers brushing over her skin, she shied her hand away from him.

               “Don’t touch me!  I can’t do this! I can’t do this anymore!”

               “Shinah, I’m so sorry.”

               She bit her lips and shaped her hands into fists at the same time. “Do you think apologizing is good enough to amend of the thing you’d done? NO!”

               “Shinah—”

               “Don’t call out my name! Don’t you ever dare!”

               “Shinah—”

               “Please, Wooyoung. I don’t want to see you. Please. Go away. Just— just go away.”

               She covered her face with her both hands, letting them being moistened by her own tears. Even though she couldn’t see anything but black canvas, but she still could feel his presence. His warmth give her enough heat for her to cope with the ridiculously cold weather but what she wanted at that time was she wanted to stay cold. She didn’t want him to do that. She didn’t want to depend on him anymore. Not even this.

               “Just go away. Please.”

               Instead of fulfilling what she wanted, Wooyoung remained standing there, and this time, he knew there’s no use of holding on anymore. This time, he let his tears trickle down his cheeks, as that’s what he exactly wanted to do when he learned the fact that Shinah couldn’t forgive him. She wouldn’t ever forgive him after he’d finally learned how to forgive himself. Somehow, he felt wasted— and he thought there’s nothing else that could keep him standing firm. He’d lost everything he loved. What’s the point of living though?

               As she thought his stubbornness wouldn’t even lose in the battle, that’s when she wiped her silvered cheeks using her sleeve and gathered her things before she slipped in the keys and locked the door behind her. And that was when she realized that for the first time ever, she had taught herself how to close her heart from the person who had always been there since forever when she had always thought it would be impossible back then.