Jongwoon’s POV

I stare at the white ceiling and realized how bored I am. I realized how selfish and greedy I am. I’m disgusted by myself. I sold out my friend in the intention of helping him to gain what I want.  All I wanted was attention, and I hurt the one I love getting it. I’m a selfish and greedy monster.

The dorm feels empty, dull and boring. No one talks and when they do talk it’s a dead conversation.

Why did I do it? Why did I cause this? Ryeowook barely looks straight into my eyes; much more utter a single word.

I know that the attention that they’ve been giving me is enticing and makes me want to keep on pretending, but I hate seeing Ryeowook get hurt.

Ryeowook is hurting because of my actions. He is hurting because of my greed for attention, my greed for acknowledgement. However, everything since my lie started, has went down. We postponed the comeback date about two months after the scheduled day, the members are miserable and I hurt the person I tried to help.

I’m greedy. I need some recognition, but not as much as I need him. I miss him. I miss his smiles, his laugh and miss the times when he leans on me for anything.

I need him more than anything. I need him even more than my greed for attention. He’s all I need.

“Yesung... Yesung... Yesung,” I heard someone shout my name... the voice’s name I mean.  I recognized the voice calling for me as Sungmin.

I continued to stare at the ceiling and quickly grabbed my iPod to avoid talking to them. I stared at the ceiling and placed the earphones in my ear. I closed my eyes and tried to avoid talking to them.

I didn’t turn the music on but still had the earphones on. I continued to close my eyes and listened to what was going on.

“Yesung...” I heard Sungmin call my name again.

I remained unfazed. I ignored the noises and remained in my current position.

“Hyung... we have something to ask you,” I recognized the voice as Donghae’s.

I didn’t move an inch.

I’m guessing they reached my room by now since their voices came down to a whisper.

“Is he sleeping?” I recognized the voice as Siwon.

“I don’t think so. Yesung hyung... are you sleeping,” I heard Sungmin’s voice ask.

 “Sungmin... I think it’s a bad time to talk now, Jongwoon is sleeping,” I heard Leeteuk hyung whispered.

 I didn’t hear Sungmin reply and instead, I heard Kangin say, “Jongwoon, get up please. We have to talk to you about something.”

He’s the second person to call me Jongwoon, aside from Ryeowook. Do they think I would give in just because they call me by my real name, instead of the voice?

I left unfazed.

It was quiet for a while until Leeteuk said, “I think we should just go and talk to him later, he’s sleeping.”

“I don’t think he’s sleeping hyung. I think that he’s awake,” I heard Sungmin protest.

It wasn’t long until I recognized a different voice that said, “What’s going on? Why are you in my room?”

“We’re trying to ask Yesung why he covered for you,” Sungmin explained.

I didn’t see what was happening since I still had my eyes closed but I heard Ryeowook respond saying, “Why are you waking up a sleeping person for something trivial like that? Let Jongwoon hyung sleep. Can’t you see he’s sleeping? Hyungs... if you really want us- I mean me, to tell you why, then stop forcing me or Jongwoon hyung to talk. When I’m ready to talk, I’ll tell you,” Ryeowook said loudly.

Everyone remained quiet and didn’t hear anyone say anything else for a while. After a few moments, I heard the door shut and Ryeowook saying, “Get up. They already left so it’s just you and me. I know you’re not sleeping so wake up. We have to talk.”

I got up and sat on my bed.

“We have to talk,” he said again.

I nodded my head and remained silent.

He didn’t say anything for a few minutes and said, “Are you going to say something?”

“I-I” I began to say. I cleared my throat and said, “I-I-I’m sorry.”

“Good thing you know you did something wrong. Do you know why I’m mad at you?” Ryeowook asked.

I nod my head and said, “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry Ryeowook. I know that I’ve hurt you by revealing your secret to the other Super Junior members and to the rest of the world, and I’m sorry. I regret how I said it, and I regret doing it publicly, but I don’t regret saying it. I’m sorry Wook. I’m sorry but you do need help. This has been going on for a long time and it will only continue to worsen. Since you stopped for a while, there might be no symptoms for now, but the damage to your body has already been done and most of them are irreversible. It’s better to quit now before your condition gets worse.”

“I’m fine. There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m perfectly fine. If you check, there’s nothing wrong with my body,” Ryeowook insisted. He continued, “You told them my secret hyung. I trusted you with that secret but you told them about my weakness. I wasn’t ready to tell them yet... I wasn’t going to tell them at all. You think this is for my own good? It’s not.  I’m suffering more than I was before. This is tougher than my controlled diet. It’s hard to see the other members becoming awkward with each other because of my actions. I don’t want them to pity me because of my disorder. ”

As much as I hate being right about my gut feeling, I was right. Me revealing his secret was hurting him more.

I couldn’t help but nod my head. “I’m sorry Wook. But I wanted you to see that what you’re doing to yourself is doing harmful things to your body. Your body is slowly deteriorating and since you didn’t listen to me before, I thought it would be better for you to see the consequences yourself,” I explained.

“Is that why you pretended that it was you? To be honest, I thought that you did it because you wanted people to notice and give you attention. You know... because of your past. I thought that’s why you revealed that publicly,” Ryeowook stated.

How did he know? Sometimes it’s scary how Ryeowook knows me better than I know myself.

 “Honestly, that was my real intention. My real intention was for you to realize and see for yourself. That was until Leeteuk hyung started noticing me, and then the other members started noticing me. By then I couldn’t help it. My desire started to grow and wanted to continue. I’m really sorry for using you to get what I want. I’m selfish and what I did was unforgivable, but I do hope you forgive me,” I confessed.

I didn’t notice the tears falling from my face until Ryeowook came closer and gave me a hug. He attempted to wipe away the tears on my face away, in which was then replaced with more tears.

He said, “To tell you the truth, I’m still mad at you for revealing my disorder in public. But now that you told me the truth, the whole truth, I understand. In a way I’m thankful of what you did. How there’s at least one person in this world that cares about me. Someone who cares enough about me to do what you did. I hate how you did it though. I hate how you told everyone about it and yet I’m thankful. It doesn’t make sense but that’s what I truly feel. It’s going to take a while for me to forgive you for what you did, but I will forgive you. You’re not forgiven yet, but I will forgive you. I know you had good intentions, but I also know that you have a past that is sometimes hard to ignore. We can’t help it, but we can fight it. Even though it’s the past, it’s not easy or possible to forget those painful memories easily. Sometimes, it just haunts and tempts you to do things you know you’ll regret. If you ever feel alone or just need someone to talk to, you can always wake me up. I’m here for you, even if I’m mad.”

I couldn’t help but cry more tears as I heard Ryeowook’s previous words. He really seems very understanding and is always there for me.

“Don’t cry hyung... Don’t cry...” he said as he comforted me by brushing my hair with his hands.

“I’m sorry...” I whispered as I let Ryeowook continue to brush my hair. “I’m sorry,” I mumbled in between tears.

“I will forgive you,” Ryeowook muttered as he continued to brush my hair.

Ryeowook remained quiet and didn’t say another word. After a few minutes, the brushing movements in my hair stopped and I could feel a slight pressure on my arm; I checked to see why. I saw that he fell asleep sleeping on my arms as a pillow. I made myself comfortable and adjusted Ryeowook’s head so he was sleeping comfortably.  I don’t know what came over me, but I kissed his forehead and went to sleep.