The finals were tomorrow and I was scared to the bones. I wasn’t the average student who could pull her grades up, and I wish I had half of Kyungsoo’s brain to pass. With a sigh, I went to the kitchen where Grandma was making breakfast: scrambled eggs with bacon and toast with goat cheese as well as orange juice, my favourite, except that my stomach was so tense I couldn’t even take a bite. The old woman tried her best to persuade me into eating something or at least drinking the juice, but I was sure that if I took a risk and swallowed something, my stomach would reject it right away. Maybe the feelings of the previous night were the reason, maybe the feelings I had at that very moment were.

All I needed was to hear his voice, and see his face; I needed him to comfort me with a tight warm hug and tell me that everything was going to be okay and that I could make it. Without a second being wasted, I grabbed my phone and dialled his number quickly, my fingers gliding over the pads in a natural way. Before I could activate the call, the phone buzzed in my hand and his name flashed in full display on the screen.

“Hey” I said, breathless and happy, a feeling I didn’t recognise because I never acted like that in my life, but I didn’t mind because I yearned for his voice vibrating in my ears.

“Hi” his voice was groggy with sleep and I giggled, he wasn’t a morning guy, but he called.

“I’m going to tell you something so listen carefully and don’t you dare laugh at me, okay?” I threatened, “I miss you, like I miss you so bad, what is worse is that I need you, I’m scared to the bones” I confessed over the line, but there was no response, instead I could pick up the sound of his breath catching in his throat, and then he released a shaky breath.

“I know” he replied curtly, “I’m coming over”

“Really?!” my voice was incredulous, like a five years old kid who had been told that circus is coming to town.    

“Yes, but not now, probably in the evening” he said and I was disappointed, but it was better than not seeing him at all. I knew that he and his father were on good terms, so he could be excused. “I’ll see you later” his voice was final, no teasing or sweet talk, no ‘I love you’ promise, but I had to say it.

“Sehun” he waited, and I took a deep breath “I love you” I uttered each word with a slow motion and the line went dead.

“You’re not taking those meds on an empty stomach!” the Chinese woman spoke with a terse voice “you must eat something, or I’m calling your father”

She was better at threats than I was which was good for me for I wasn’t going to eat anything if it wasn’t for her.

As I looked at the served table, I regretted that half of the food was going to be thrown away, but the bell rang. I run to the door, half hoping that Sehun changed his mind and decided to come earlier, but my expectations went down the hill when I yanked the door open, and there was Jongin with his lips stretched over his pearly whites.

“Hi” said Jongin with his hand rubbing his nape in a shy/awkward manner.

“…Oh hi!” I said as brightly as I could to mask my disappointment and stepped aside to give him some room to move. Honestly, a visit from him was not expected, or more like I wasn’t expecting any visit at all since everyone will be preparing for tomorrow, but there he was, greeting my grandmother as respectfully as he could as he watched him with approving eyes. Her welcoming was zealous and she couldn’t hide the fact that the food won’t be thrown in the garbage bin.

I felt like throwing up whenever I forcefully shoved down a piece of meat down into my mouth, and as the other two were enjoying their animated conversation, I felt the urge to pass out on the table because I was that tired, or more like I just wanted to go to my room, hide under the covers of my bed and curl up in a ball until Sehun came.

Later in the afternoon, Jongin and I sat on the couch facing the TV, passing time as we watched a comedy movie just to loosen the stress of the day to come, yet I couldn’t laugh, or grin for that matter.

“Okay, spill the beans” Jongin said when the film came to an end, “tell me what’s wrong”

I looked at him and shrugged with a nonchalant smile “What a weird question! Nothing” I replied, but my voice showed more than necessary for it quivered and broke at the end, not to mention that the response was one hell of an obvious lie.

“Come on, you’ve barely eaten anything and you look so pale” he held my hands and I flinched, but didn’t pull away, “is it about tomorrow? Are you that stressed?”

The fact that he was so concerned about me warmed my heart, and I would be lying to myself if I said that I didn’t need anyone to talk to; having a friend around to lean on and empty the content of your heart to was a relief, especially when I felt the heaviness of the invisible weight on my shoulder. Somehow, I couldn’t tell him, not only because I didn’t know how to express my emotions, but also because that level of intimate secrecy belonged to only one person.

“Yeah, I’m nervous” I forced a smile and felt the movement of his warm hands gliding over my skin in a soothing manner, his chocolate brown eyes gazing down at our laced hands.

“It’s okay” he said, his voice low and sincere, face too close to mine I could practically feel him smile, “you’ll be okay, I know it”. I was aware of our position only a moment later; it was oddly appreciated and that scared me.

It had been more th