Chapter 8

 

I opened the door to their flat at 7 o'clock. In fact, I had arrived ten minutes early, but I hadn't dared to enter. I was unsure of how to treat them, even if I should just act normal. But although I was okay at hiding my thoughts, trying to hide my knowledge of something big like this would be too much, I already knew it. Anyhow, I had to enter. I went into the living room first where I found the manager.

 

“Good morning, sir” I said, bowing.

 

“Oh, hello, Shinae, right on time.” he answered.

 

“Morning, noona” called Changmin from somewhere in the apartment.

 

“Stop flirting around, boy, and finish washing up, you're the last, as always” called the manager. Although his words were the same as always, his tone was warm and friendly, like that of a father. He hadn't been in this good a mood for as long as I worked as his assistant.

 

“Has something good happened sir?” I asked, curious.

 

“Well, it kind of has. Yesterday went better than expected and there are talks that if the concert goes well, everyone will get a bonus payment. You all did a great job!”

 

He patted me on the shoulder again. I was happy. A bonus payment was rare and always welcome. I promised myself to work harder so that everything would go well.

 

“Morning” said a tired voice behind me. It turned out to be Yunho, already dressed and washed up, but still tired.

 

Act normal, I told myself.

 

“Eh, you too, good morning, sunbae-nim.”

 

He stared at me. Oops. I had never actually called him that, because we were so close in age I had always addressed him as sunbae. But he just nodded and continued fumbling with his bag. The next person who came in was Yoochun. Good. He didn't have a secret gay relationship with anyone, this was easy.

 

“Good morning” I greeted.

 

He nodded and murmured “Mornin'”.

 

“Don't tell me you didn't sleep again? You know how much you need to rest to be ready for the concert!”

 

The day went well. In the aspect of work, we were all in high spirits and everything went perfectly. The manager was satisfied, the band was satisfied, I was satisfied.

 

But in the personal aspect, it was catastrophe. It was hard for me talking to any of them, since I still didn't know what they thought of the whole situation and if they even cared that I knew. I didn't talk to Jaejoong. I couldn't avoid speaking with Yunho, since he was the leader and responsible, but I tried to keep the conversations as short as possible.

 

Changmin was a savior, in that matter. He always ignored everything else and talked to  me like before, cracking jokes and explaining how hungry he was in a very colored way. I guess I couldn't expect the others to do the same. They had noticed, of course, my odd behavior, and they frowned quite a lot when I answered with just a word or avoided looking at their faces. They didn't make a scene, although they had enough reason to. I could only describe my behavior as disrespectful and I was thankful to them for ignoring my new way of treating them. Because, after all, it was still a job and I relied on the money.

 

It was a relief when the manager announced that schedules had finished and all that was left were the one-on-one talks with the boss. While Yunho went in first, the others sat down in the waiting room next to his office. Busy as he was, there were probably quite a lot of people waiting in here for him to finish whatever he was doing.

 

I really didn't want to stay with them. Since we had been busy most of the day, the manager hadn't noticed anything yet, and I was keen on keeping it like that.

 

“If you'll excuse me for a bit, I'll have to use the bathroom” I excused myself. I just noticed the manager nod and I was already in the hallway. I took the stairs up to the highest floor and entered the lady's room there. The further away I was, the longer it would take for me to get back.

 

I actually hadn't been to this floor much. It was used for 'everything paperwork' as Eunhye used to say. The bathroom was actually a lot nicer than on the lower floors. There was a saying that every new worker learned on their first day here: The higher you climb, the finer you dine. Although the rhyme was bad, it was still true. Once you gt on the higher floors, you get more money as well. Excluded the trainees and bands, of course.

 

I had just sat down on the toilet when the door opened and closed. I didn't hear anyone enter a stall, but it wasn't unusual for women to just enter here to touch up their make-up. But it wasn't a woman I saw standing at the mirror, it was Jaejoong. I caught myself before he turned his head and walked up to him confidently.

 

“I think you took the wrong door, Jaejoong-sshi.”

 

He snickered, no blushing whatsoever. That would have been too easy anyways.

 

“No, I'm exactly right, here. And I'm pleased that you talk to me again, my dear Shinae.”

 

“I didn't know we were that close, sunbae” said I, making sure do stay as polite as possible.

 

“We're not, huh? Well, as long as you seem to think it's polite to ignore your sunbae” he put extra weight on the word, “I think I can call you anything I want.”

 

He was right enough. But I wasn't going to let him know that. I was just going to give him a snide remark, when he started talking again.

 

“But that doesn't matter now, does it? What matters is why you didn't talk to me. You seemed like you were holding a grudge against me. And I can't remember why you should.”

 

This jerk. Sometimes I just wanted to strangle him and I was considering listing him all the reasons for me to actually hold a grudge against him, but I didn't.

 

“I don't hold a grudge against you.”

 

“Then what is it?” He raised an eyebrow.

 

His cockiness made me say the words I would have kept to me otherwise.

 

“Well, I'm just trying to work the fact into my mind that you and Yunho are together.”

 

There, I had said it. The cockiness was gone from his face and had been replaced by surprise, the horror and then fright.

 

“How...”

 

“How I know? Well, you two haven't exactly been very secretive about it around me. Oh, and next time, don't fall asleep holding hands when anyone can just walk in, alright?”

 

Now that I had revealed my knowledge of their relationship I felt free and myself again. Jaejoong, on the other hand, was the exact opposite. He opened and closed his mouth multiple times until he was able to say something.

 

“Please... don't tell anyone. Please, it would–“

 

“Destroy your careers? Hell yeah it would. But I won't say anything, alright? I'm not that kind of person.”

 

Even though I'd told him that, he was still unable to say anything. It was hard to watch him, the normally confident and cool-headed guy had become so fragile all at once that I couldn't watch him anymore. Instead, I turned around to face the mirror. I remembered that I still hadn't washed my hands, so I did it. The action helped me focus a lot. When I looked up into the mirror, I first saw myself, small, black haired. I was an ordinary Korean girl, so it made me even more conscious of the extraordinary person next to me.

 

I looked at him through the mirror. He wasn't looking at me, but just stared ahead. His dark brown hair seemed to be in place, just like every single time I'd seen him. I tried not to marvel at his face. I had come to learn that ignoring the fact that he was so pretty was the easiest way to deal with him like any other person.

 

He hadn't reacted to what I'd said. I guessed he was probably still considering the news that I knew about him and Yunho.

 

“I really thought he'd sent you to spy on us.”

 

The words were spoken in almost a whisper. His eyes had me and stared me down, as much as they'd stared down the wall a few moments ago. They had power, these eyes.

 

“He didn't. I don't blame you for thinking it, even though you didn't have to scare me that much.”

 

“I scared you?” He was surprised.

 

And I was too. I hadn't planned to reveal that he'd actually really scared me, but it was too late now. I looked back at myself. It was easier not telling things I didn't want to without his eyes on mine.

 

“Yeah, but not anymore.”

 

“Tell me one thing: Why? Why are you here? You're not spying, you're not with any of us. I don't understand.”

 

I snickered, but then I felt something I hadn't felt in some time. The need to tell the truth.

 

“The thought that I might just be here because Seunghyun-sshi needed some help doesn't even come to your mind? But you're right.” I said, “You know the boss, better than I. There's always a plan, isn't there?”

 

I turned around to face him, and somehow I was more confident than ever before. He was standing there, a statue made by the gods.

 

“I'm not here to spy, no, it's something much worse. You can hate me, I deserve it. I don't know why I did it – no, I know why: To climb high and fast.”

 

I fought down the tears that wanted to run down my face. I had to do this now. Somehow, I felt like I owed him. I didn't understand why I felt this way, but I did and in the end, it didn't matter.

 

“I'm here, Kim Jaejoong, to make you fall in love with me. It was my own idea. Somehow, that would make you more approachable huh? Shatter that god-like thing you had going on. I'd never thought I'd have to do it.”

 

For a second, nothing changed in his eyes, but then he understood. The emotions that filled his eyes then were too many and too sad for me to watch them any longer. I turned back around to the mirror. But I couldn't even look at myself. I felt ashamed.

 

I had felt bad before, for doing this. But now, having said it, I felt ashamed.

 

For some time, there was no sound in the room. Even our breaths seemed silent. Or maybe I'd gone deaf.

 

“I'd never... how could you?”

 

His voice was so hurt that the tears finally found their way down my cheeks. I closed my eyes. If I didn't see myself, no one would, right?

 

“I'm sorry. No one deserves to be treated like that.”

 

His eyes were full of accusation, hurt, hate, and even pity. It was too much. I turned around again. I felt like I was in an endless rotation.

 

“Don't worry, I'll leave. I'll tell the boss I failed and you discovered me and I'll try looking for a job somewhere else. You'll have your Yunho all to yourself and there'll be no traitor around anymore.”

 

I walked to the door and left the room. My steps were steadier than I felt.

 

I felt terrible. How did I become so deceiving? That wasn't me at all. But I'd have to live with that for the rest of my life.

 

“Wait” I heard his voice call after me. It could only be his voice because there wasn't anyone around anymore. But why was he calling me?

 

I turned around and could barely see his hand grabbing my arm and pulling me into an empty office room.

 

“Just let me go, please. I won't tell anyone, really. I'll just leave and go find work somewhere else.”

 

I was staring at the light grey carpet and tried to get rid of his hand at the same time. When he finally let go, I was so surprised that I looked up at him. This time, his expression was grim, but also determined.

 

“Did he threaten you?”

 

He had his arms crossed and waited for an answer. I dropped my head before I gave one.

 

“He said I didn't have to do it. He said that if I didn't there would be one more chance.”

 

“But you did it.”

 

“How could I say no? If it wouldn't be me, it would have been some other, poor girl who had no fault at all in this.”

 

He didn't respond and although I wanted to look at his face, I couldn't. Not anymore. My world was crumbling around me and I started to hate myself for having this stupid idea.

 

“Alright” he said, “I accept the apology.”

 

I frowned. His words didn't make sense. Or does he really forgive me so easily? This can't be true!

 

“I said I forgive you.”

 

“I don't deserve your forgiveness. I–“

 

“Oh stop that already. It's not like you did something super bad... or accomplished anything.”

 

He was right, at least I hadn't managed to do the thing I was sent out to do. It couldn't be that bad, could it? And if he forgave me...

 

“You really... forgive me?”

 

I glanced up for a second and saw his lip curled up into a smile. Was this a joke? No, the smile was not a mocking one, but what was it then?

 

He broke into a laugh then. His laugh was hearty and light, like all the sorrow was washing away.

 

“It's okay. Really, I was more shocked that the boss would go this far as to send out an innocent girl like you.”

 

Now he was mocking me, but I didn't care–he forgave me.

 

“Thanks a lot” I said and managed to look into his eyes.

 

“No problem. And would you do me a favor?”

 

“Sure, I think I owe you enough.”

 

“Could you please not quit? It's awfully boring with just guys.”

 

“But the boss will wait for results... I can't–“

 

“Oh, we'll give him results, alright.” He winked at me.

 

“It's a pity you're gay though.”

 

His laugh filled the room again and his eyes gleamed full of happiness and a determination I would come to know soon.

 

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A/N: Sooo, next chapter will be up in a week :)) Don't forget to comment ^____^