Chapter 7

I found him, after about ten minutes. He was sitting in an unused room that had turned into a storage room. There were boxes everywhere, and I didn't even see him at first. Only when I the lights and surveyed the room, did I recognized his brown-haired head on his knees. He didn't shift or say anything, even though he must have noticed me. I watched him for a while, before I came closer to him. He was wearing his casual jeans and a shirt that seemed comfortable but was still stylish, in a way I would never be able to.

“Hey” I said, kneeling down beside him. I didn't know how to handle this. I clearly had to calm him down again and make sure he wouldn't make any trouble. But, what to say?

He didn't respond. Was he sleeping? In his condition, sitting in a dark, silent room would make you fall asleep almost instantly. Although he deserved his sleep, I couldn't just leave him here. The manager would kill me if people knew he'd fled into a storage room. So I shook him lightly. He woke up instantly and I jerked my hand away as he lifted his head faster than I expected. When he saw me, his face became angry.

“What did you wake me up for? I don't want to talk to you anyway, so leave me alone, okay?” He put his head back onto his knees, encasing it with his arms.

“Kim Jaejoong” I said firmly, “I woke you up to tell you that you can't just run away, even if it's just me and not Seunghyun-sshi. I'm responsible and everything you do will come back to me, do you get that? I know it must be frustrating to have to stay here when you're finished, but you're an adult, you have to deal with things, not run away, do you get that?”

He lifted his head again and glared at me, so hatefully that I was taken aback. His whole body was tense, his hands clenched into fists. I swallowed.

“That's why you came? To lecture me?” He got up, as did I, so that we stood in front of each other. He seemed so tense that I started to feel scared again. I remembered that time in the hallway where he'd pushed me against the wall. I shivered.

“I damn know all of that, okay? I know I acted like a coward, but to hear you tell me about that, that's just too much. You come here, out of nowhere, playing all innocent and try telling me how to behave myself! You're younger than me, I'm a senior in the company, I deserve every bit of respect from you possible. But instead you lecture me on how to behave on my job.”

He had come closer while talking and I was starting to back up. Soon, my back touched a stack of boxes, so that I couldn't keep backing away.

“I... I'm just doing my job, Jaejoong-sshi” I said, but my voice wavered. I was looking down.

“Your job is to help Seunghyun hyung, but all you've done so far is cause trouble. You've seen us work late every day for the past weeks, and still you make us stay here, not granting us a few hours of rest and free-time.”

I couldn't stop myself from looking up, and once I had looked into his eyes, I couldn't let them go.

“Stop this, now, Jaejoong sshi, and I won't hold this against you. You're angry, I understand, but letting it out on me again and again is not a solution.”

My gaze was fierce, and now it was him who couldn't look away. But his jaw tightened.

“You–“

But he never got to finish his sentence. At that moment the door opened and a person gasped. Both our heads turned at the same time. There standing was Yunho. He must've come looking for Jaejoong, too. He seemed shocked, his mouth was opened a bit, his eyes wide.

“What's going on here?” asked Yunho, and that's when Jaejoong and I remembered how close we were standing together. We moved away from each other swiftly.

“Yunho, I–“began Jaejoong, but I cut him off. I needed to get out of here.

“Now that you're here, I better look after the others” I said and was already out of the door.

When I'd turned around the corner, I took a deep breath, relieved. I would never have guessed that Jaejoong would be so hot-tempered, although I had gotten a good taste of it before. Still, I wasn't used to this kind of people yet, but I would be in the future.

Then, suddenly, I thought of Yunho. I was thankful that he'd come in, given me a chance to flee. But somehow, his expression had seemed weird. There was shock, sure, but I remembered something else as well, something like... hurt? I shook my head as I started walking back to the backstage area. Why should he be? Jaejoong had been angry at me, so why should he feel hurt? Was he hurt because his hyung had acted so unprofessional? But wouldn't he feel more disappointed than hurt? As a leader, he was trying to create a positive image of the group, and if someone just acted rashly, all his work could be in vain. So I'd understand disappointment, but hurt?

Maybe I'd just mistaken it for hurt. I had still been a bit scared of Jaejoong, perhaps that'd explain the misconception. The only way he could've been hurt was if... I stopped short. Jaejoong and I had been standing so close together, if you didn't know that we'd argued, you might've interpreted it as if we were about to kiss.

It must have looked like that to Yunho, who'd just come in, not knowing of anything that had happened. But what did that mean? If it was really hurt I'd seen, he must've had the feeling because he thought he'd caught us at something. But why would it hurt him? I don't mean anything to him. I thought a bit of the possibility, but then pushed it away. He's barely talked to you. There's nothing. But if it was not because of me, then it must be...

“Oh God” I said out loud.

“What's it, noona?” asked Changmin, who materialized in front of me.

“Eh, nothing, I just remembered that...” What? I couldn't think of anything, my mind was blank, full of shock.

“Remembered what?” He looked at me expectantly.

“Just something personal” I said, trying to avoid his eyes.

“Where's Junsu?” I asked instead.

“He's with Eunhyuk, over there” he said, and pointed behind me.

I nodded in thanks and turned around. I needed time to think, but there was none. I had to make sure no other changes in schedule were made, that Changmin and then Junsu were on-stage on time, that the manager was informed. Of course, I needed to provide food and drinks for them. Although neither Yunho nor Jaejoong had come back, I couldn't go look for them. I didn't want to tell the manager, and neither picked up their phones.

Finally, Junsu was done with his schedule, and after he'd said goodbye to Eunhyuk I gathered the three of them together.

“Okay guys, I need your help” I said. Yoochun nodded, already understanding.

“I can guess where they are” he said.

Changmin and Junsu nodded as well. They all seemed worried, but not particularly scared, like I had started to become. Yunho and Jaejoong hadn't been seen for hours and if somehow the manager got to know about this... Yoochun lead us around and I was soon lost in the maze of hallways.

“Last time we were here in June” said Yoochun, “we found this room where no one ever goes.”

I wondered how they had found the time to wander around here, it didn't seem like they were ever given any time for themselves. I didn't come to a conclusion before we had stopped in front of a door. There was no one around. Apparently, this was where they stored sports equipment, which wasn't needed for the concert. Yoochun didn't knock, he just opened the door. Inside were lots of storage shelves and boxes. It looked a lot like the other room I'd had the encounter with Jaejoong. When Yoochun snapped the light on, I saw something I hadn't expected. Or actually I had suspected something like this.

The first person I saw was Jaejoong, sitting, leaning against the wall. His eyes were closed, and since he didn't react to the door's opening I guessed that he was sleeping. His head was slumped to the side a bit and first I wondered how he could sit like that without falling before I realized that he was leaning on Yunho's shoulder. I hadn't seen Yunho right away because he was hidden from my side by a stack of boxes. Once I'd stepped inside the room, I could see that, he as well, had his eyes closed and was sleeping. I was almost turning back to Yoochun to say something, when my eyes fell on their hands. They were entwined.

I stared at their hands, Yunho's long- one and Jaejoong's strong one. Now that they were holding each other, I could see how different their hands were. But their hands were not of importance at the moment. Something I would never have thought possible was happening in front of my eyes.

Yunho and Jaejoong were in love.

I was taken out of my trance by Yoochun clearing his throat. I must've stared for a long time.

“Noona” said Changmin quietly.

“Let's wake them up” said Junsu, walking past me to Yunho's side. He shook his shoulder slightly, but even that was enough to wake the leader. His eyes snapped open and he looked around the room. Junsu was shaking Jaejoong awake now, which was more difficult than with Yunho, but he did it eventually. When he stared first at Junsu and then, turning his head, at Yunho, I felt like I was an intruder. He was unaware that I was here, otherwise I'm sure he'd act differently. Not so... lovingly.

When I just couldn't take it anymore, I cleared my throat.

“I'm sorry guys, but we got to go, I'm sure you all want to go home, right?”

Everyone's head turned to me, but I deliberately avoided looking at any of them and instead took out my phone to check the time.

“Yeah, let's go” said Changmin and walked to the door.

He seemed as uncomfortable as I did, not looking at either Jaejoong or Yunho. He stepped outside and waited there and so did I. But even looking at him, I felt awkward. Like I had witnessed something that was reserved for the members. Who was I anyways to fiddle in their business?

When the others followed us outside, I went ahead and started talking about tomorrow's schedule in order to avoid talking to them directly. I found the manager in the car park, waiting for us. He was on the phone and didn't even seem to mind our retard. Instead, he waved for me to drive and sat down on the passenger's seat. I was relieved I didn't have to do anything but drive.

“Ok, guys” said the manager after he got off the phone, “the schedule I gave Shinae earlier is revised. Tomorrow you will only come here to rehearse the songs. There will be about two hours for that, afterwards you'll come back to the company for the costume fitting and then we will record a video message, then we need to talk about the concert one last time, especially about the order of performances. In the evening you'll each talk to the boss one-on-one, he requested to talk to you a few days ago.”

Upon hearing that, I almost hit the brakes. Why would the boss want to talk to them privately? Could it have anything to do with me? Idiot, I told myself. You're not that important! But still, I was shocked. I hadn't thought that he talked to the artist like that. I had actually had the theory that he was trying to stay away from them personally. I managed to drive steadily and glanced at the rearview mirror.

There was Junsu in my direct field of vision, glancing unsure at Yoochun, who was sitting next to him. Yoochun didn't seem worried and looked out of the window. In the last row, Changmin sat in the middle of Yunho and Jaejoong. He had his eyes closed and didn't even seem to have listened at all. I looked at Yunho, whose head was out of my vision, but he seemed to lean his head on the window. Unusual for him, normally he would sit straight up as long as possible.

Then I looked at Jaejoong. He was sitting normally, having earphones plugged into his ear and stared straight ahead. No,I thought, not straight ahead. He's looking at me! Our eyes met for a second in the mirror. A first I thought his gaze was angry again, like earlier that day, but I then realized that I did not recognize his emotions.

More than angrily, he was just looking at me in a deep kind of way, like he was trying to convey a message to me. But as soon as our gazes locked, I broke away and stared at the road instead. Looking into his eyes was the last thing I wanted. All I did want was to be alone for a while.

I kept my eyes on the road for the rest of the drive and ignored anything but the traffic. Finally we arrived at their apartment building and I managed to not look at anyone while I held the door open for them.

“Great job today” said the manager suddenly, “just a few more days and everything will be a lot less stressful.”

He patted me on the shoulder and got back into the car and drove away. I was alone, in the end. I looked up at the window belonging to the band's apartment and saw that it was already alighted. I hoped that they would get some sleep this night.

I started walking to the subway station. Now, what? I had wanted to be alone to think and now... Now I was too scared to think. I pushed the thoughts away, but of course, they always came back. It was when I sat down in the subway and the constant rattle of the train made me unfocused.

I drifted back to the moment when Yunho disrupted Jaejoong and me in the back room and looked really hurt and jealous. Then, I thought of the way we had found Jaejoong and Yunho in the storage room and the way Jaejoong had looked at Yunho. And then, lastly, I thought of the way the other members took this like it was no big deal.

Oh my God, I though, they all know, and they're ok with it. I really couldn't believe it. If... if Yunho and Jaejoong really were in love what would that mean? What would it mean for the band, for the company, and in the end, for me?

It wasn't that I was totally against gays (it was kind of weird thinking the word. I used it before much), it was more that I had been raised so conservatively that the idea of gayness had only come into my consciousness in college years. And even then, I tried to stay away from it as much as possible. I felt bad about that. I know that the ual interest doesn't have anything to do with a person's character, but still...

I remember my father's word from when I was young, he would always repeat them when I I spoken up to someone older: “It doesn't matter what's right or wrong, not here, Shinae, the only thing that matters is what people think is right or wrong.” Although I realized later that he was wrong, old habits are hard to get rid off. It doesn't matter that they are gay, it only matters what people think of gay people. And they were not on favor of them, that much I knew.

In retrospect, the situation was pretty funny. I mean, the boss sending me out to make the group less distant and perfect when on the other hand all they were trying to do was hiding their relationship. My mission was pointless. What I had been trying to do (trying is the right word, I really at this) wasn't even needed, Jaejoong had already found the right person.

But I can't tell. I knew that. If I did, the consequences would be too big. Gayness was still being shushed, you didn't talk about it. If I, anyone, told, their careers would be over, I was sure of it. So what am I supposed to do now? I doubted that any of the members knew that I had realized what was going on. They hadn't tried to hide anything or tell me lies or tell me to not tell. They had acted as if nothing was wrong. Or maybe they try to act like that not to raise suspicion. Maybe they don't even care that I know. Maybe they think I wouldn't find out anyways.

I was vexed when I got out of the subway and, because I didn't want to think anymore, started to run home.

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A/N: Next chapter will be on friday probably :D Hav a nice rest of the week guys!