Chapter 17

He led me into an empty room. I inspected every detail of the vacant room. It was a storage room for equipment like I’d seen in the studio, headphones and cables and the likes.

But there was only so much you can do to avoid the confrontation that would follow. My heart was beating so fast like it hadn’t done in a long time.

“So, what is it?” I asked, all innocent.

“As if you don’t know.” He looked me in the eyes so intensely I had to avoid his glare.

“Yeah, well, then maybe you should start talking. This break will be over soon.”

I wasn’t going to act all shy and sorry, although that had been the initial plan. But somehow I now felt that I couldn’t just do that. I had to at least talk back a bit.

“Alright, as you wish.” He seemed tense, as if he was brazing himself for something.

“You… you come here, acting all shy, and I could only think of you as a joke. You didn’t even know what you were doing. Then… I saw you and Jaejoong… you two were so often together and I couldn’t – “

 He breathed in to calm his nerves and try to keep his voice as level as it had been.

“I wanted to confront you that you should be more professional but I wanted to wait until after the concert. But then you told us your great ‘secret’. I couldn’t ing take that Jaejoong wouldn’t tell me and instead help you.”

I wanted to say something but he didn’t leave me any room to speak. He continued talking as emotionless as before, although I could almost hear the suppressed anger.

“When he came to talk to me he explained your situation to me. And you know how he is, you can’t be angry at him for long. So instead I was angry at you that you were even doing this. How inhuman is that? And then yesterday at the party Jaejoong told me that I should be nicer to you. And then I told him that I… would end things if you didn’t leave soon.”

He pressed his lips together. This explained why Jaejoong had been so angry at me and wanted me to tell the boss I’d succeeded.

“And then, well, you brought Seunghyun back. I don’t know how you did it, but I felt like you actually really cared about all of this. Us, I mean.”

“Of course I do” I said, “I respect you so much for what you endure and for how hard you work and for how normal and nice you still are.”

“Well, I started to feel bad about ignoring you. That’s why I’m telling you this.”

I nodded. It would be like him to feel obligated to say sorry once he noticed he misjudged someone.

“But all this doesn’t mean that I don’t want you gone anymore.”

He looked at me with determination. My stomach cramped. So he still wanted me to leave.

“Jaejoong, he told me you’re a nice girl. So I guess I can trust you not to tell this to anyone. You can’t tell anybody, or you will end all our careers, okay?”

I nodded, because suddenly it seemed too hard to speak. What was he going to tell me?

“It has taken us years to admit to each other what we really felt. And then we knew that it was impossible to have a relationship. In this environment… being caught is equal to a death sentence. We tried to bury our feelings but… Eventually, we couldn’t hold it in anymore. We knew we had to be extremely careful. We kept interaction in public to a minimum, tried to act like nothing more than friends. It’s so hard. I can’t even hold his hand when I want to.”

He turned his head away, maybe to hide the tears that were forming in his eyes. He turned back to face me after a few moments.

“Telling the others, we had been so afraid. And they… they don’t mind. They said they were happy for us. They started helping us out, covering up for us. You have to understand, this band, to me, is everything. I will protect them like nothing else. If need be I’ll even sacrifice myself. I won’t let anyone come between us. And even though I understand that you do care… You are still a threat to this family.”

So this was Yunho. He was the leader, he was the protector. And I had become a threat to his beloved family. It was hard to not respect him even more for the way he thought, even though he wanted me to leave.

And I knew then that I had to. There was no question anymore. They had been together for years, they had worked so hard. And I had to leave.

“I’ll go to him after you’ve left.” I couldn’t say it looking at him, so instead I looked at our shoes.

He didn’t respond, so I had to lift my head to see his reaction. The faintest smile grazed his lips.

“I thank you, Shinae. I understand why everyone has taken such a liking to you.”

And then he bowed to me.

No one scolded us for coming back so late. Jaejoong looked up and as his gaze was upon me I smiled slightly and nodded. Everything was alright. It would be, in just a few hours. It felt weird, sitting there, watching them for the last time. Even though I had been here for a bad reason, the time spent with them was still a memory I’d cherish. They were such nice people.

But still, leaving was the right thing. I had come in here under false pretenses and still they had accepted me. They deserved more than me. When no one was looking, I took a few pictures of them. They seemed too happy being back to recording music.

And then, somehow, Seunghyun called it a day and told everyone to pack up. I didn’t want to have a big goodbye, so I just said bye to everyone like we usually did.

“You’re not coming with us?” asked Junsu.

“No, I’ll get a taxi home. I’m too tired for the subway.”

I bowed to everyone as they left the room. I met Yunho’s eyes and he nodded to me. Then they were gone and I wouldn’t see them again. At least not personally. I still hoped to see them on TV a lot.

I walked to the boss’ office slowly, trying to think of ways to say it. I still had no idea when I stood in front of his office. He was always working late, at least around times like this, when big events took place.

I knocked. I entered.

“It’s done” I said.

He smiled and seemed satisfied.

“Great! I’ve heard how he pulled you out of the restaurant yesterday. You seem to have a great effect on him! This will be perfect for the next promotions.”

“I’m sorry, sir, but can I go back to my old job now? I mean, I did what I was supposed to do…”

“Oh, no, Shinae, you won’t get you’re old job back.”

“But…”

He held up his index finger and I stopped talking.

“No, you will do something much better. As of now, you will be head of  DBSK’s media team and take care of advertising their next circle of promotions.”