Chapter 3

 

The rest of the week continued like this. Every day was filled with schedules and never ended before midnight. Thankfully, I only had to show up at the office at 8. There was no time trying to get close to them. I was always doing some menial work, like getting documents the manager needed, bringing water, deliver stuff.

 

I never ate with them either, partially because they mostly ate in their practice rooms, partially because I wanted to spend this one hour lunch break with my colleagues. I was still counting on returning to my initial working position and I wanted to keep in touch with them. At the end of the week, I was called to the boss. I sighed when I stood in front of his office. I didn't have any results, not even progress, to report. I'd never thought that I would fail because of lack of time.

 

I entered after knocking and bowed to him. I told him that I hadn't had any progress. I was shaking slightly, afraid that he'd see the standstill as a sign of incompetence. He stayed silent. I looked up to see what he was doing. I was writing something.

 

“I know I don't have to remind you what your failing would mean, right? Since I sincerlyy want you to succeed too, I'll help you a bit. You'll see tomorrow.”

 

And with that I was dismissed, very confused. I thought about his words until I went to bed. The next day, I understood what he'd meant.

 

 

IM Shinae, August 9^nd 2008

8am – 2pm Video shoot “Summer Vacation” (all 5)

2pm – 3pm Transportation

3pm – 5pm Practice Rap Duel (U-KNOW, MICKY)

5pm – 10pm Practice “A Wonder Deeper Than Love” (HERO)

 

He'd given me time. With Jaejoong. I checked the managers schedule when he didn't look and could see that he wouldn't be there. This is good, I thought to myself. But instead of happy at having this big opportunity, I felt nervous. And guilty. Until then, all I had done had been normal, like any assistant. Now the real thing would start. The real betrayal. I would have to act like I liked him and try to make him like me back.

 

The day went well, against my expectations. The video shoot was good and they seemed to enjoy it a lot, probably because there were lots of label-mates present. They slept through most of the drive back to the office. I wanted to buy them coffee to help them wake up, but I guessed that coffee isn't the best thing to drink when you want to sing. I brought cold water instead.

 

During the practice for the rap duel between Yunho and Yoochun and other SM members, I really hadn't anything to do. The manager was present and since TVXQ were the seniors, they got drinks and snacks from their juniors. So instead, I had lots of time to think on how to spend those five hours with Jaejoong. At 5 though, I still hadn't made any progress. Whenever I though of how to approach him, I just couldn't. This is wrong, is what I thought to myself instead. The fact that he would be practicing with another female singer would make it harder too.

 

Since the manager would be taking care of the other four, I had to take care of Jaejoong alone for the time being.

 

“Alright” I said, seemingly checking my schedule again. “We need to go to room 215.”

 

He nodded. That was all he ever did to me. Whenever I gave him instructions, all he'd do was nod. I realized that we'd barely even spoken a real word to each other, other than greetings. I shook my head at the impossibility of my task. When we entered the room, the girl, Lina, was already there. I didn't know a lot about her, just the basics. Band, debut date, music style, name. I noticed right away that the atmosphere was strained. I only needed to look at Jaejoong once to see that he wasn't in a good mood.

 

Neither was Lina. Though the two of them were respectful to each other, none said more words than needed. The bad mood transferred itself to their vocal performance. The vocal coach present did his best, but when the artists wouldn't even look at each other, it was an impossible task to do good music. He shook his head after an hour of fruitless tries. “Either you two get a grip on each other or we'll cancel the whole thing. We didn't even go further than the first verse. Take a short break and afterwards I want you two to work together.”

 

His tone was clearly frustrated and so were the two. While Lina went to take the bottle I held out for her, Jaejoong ignored his and left the room. Without much thinking, I followed him.

 

He was walking down the hallway and although I had run to catch up to him, I slowed my pace. What should I say to him? Hey, you seem to be in a bad mood? No, that wouldn't do. He'd probably just tell me to leave him alone, Before I could make up my mind of what to say, he stopped walking and turned around. I stopped too, perplexed.

 

“Can't you leave me alone?” he asked, though it sounded more like an order.

 

“Um, sorry, the manager told me to take care of you, so...” He cut me off before I could continue.

 

“I'm just taking a piss, I think I'm old enough to do that alone, or do you want to watch?”

 

I could feel my face redden. Of course he'd need to pee after all this water he drank.

 

“Sorry” I said. “I just want to do my best, I'm sorry. It's just...” I stopped short. I couldn't just say what I wanted to say, it would make this situation much worse than it already was.

 

“It's just what?” He was still a few meters away, but he came closer now. I could see his drawn eyebrows, his pressed lips. He was angry. He'd just had a really bad time singing, at which he was so good normally and if he didn't do well the whole song might be cut. I was there for him to take it out on.

 

I didn't respond and just kept my head down. He came close enough that his shoes were in my field of vision, although I was staring at my own.

 

“I asked you a question, Im Shinae-sshi. I want an answer.” Oh god, his voice was piercing. This was all going wrong. If I kept silent, who knew what he'd do.

 

I raised my head then, slowly. His face was right in front of me, though several inches higher than mine. His eyes were fixated on me. They scared me. I swallowed.

 

“It's just... you- you weren't good. All this week you did so great when practicing a song, but this time you didn't even- “

 

“Enough!” he growled. I swallowed again, but there was no saliva left in my mouth. I knew that I had gone too far. He was a recognized artist in all of asia while I was just an assistant. How could I criticize him? Damn.

 

“I'm sorry, I didn't want to...” I couldn't finish my sentence. The only thing that went trough my mind was: If looks could kill...

 

“I'm tired of you little brat. You think I don't know why you're here? Why you went to see the boss yesterday? You think I don't know, that I'm blind?”

 

I stared at him, mouth open. What did he mean? Why should I be here?

 

“I don't-”

 

“Oh, don't even try, I know, so just say it already.”

 

“I really don't-”

 

Before I even finished my sentence, he pushed me against the wall, grabbing me by the shoulders. It hurt, but not much. I was too afraid of him too feel the pain.

 

“I said: Say it” he hissed.

 

I just continued staring at him in horror. How could I get out of this situation? He couldn't possibly know? What could I say to make him stop? I couldn't tell him the truth, more than of him, I was scared of the boss. Then another thought: What if he really knew? What if he knew why I was here? No, it can't be, I told myself. I hadn't even made a move towards him yet. But what should I do now? I couldn't think of anything, my mind was blank.

 

Then, before I even realized it, I started to cry. The tears streamed down my face and he was clearly taken aback.

 

Since he was still holding my shoulders, I couldn't wipe my tears away, so I just let them flow. I felt so ashamed at that moment for letting him make me cry so easily, but I always cried when I was nervous. And I was really nervous at that time, and being scared clearly didn't help.

 

His face softened, but his grip didn't. I felt his eyes fixated on me, even though I kept my face down. He didn't move or say anything which was even more scary than if he had screamed at me. After my tears had dried, I worked up the courage to look up at his face.

 

What I saw was not what I expected. Though his mouth was pressed together, his eyes were soft. It took my a moment to realize what exactly it was that I saw.

 

He let go of my shoulders then and took a step back. I rubbed my shoulders, they'd gone numb from the pressure he'd put on them. I had no idea what to do. I felt so not myself, letting him see my tears that I always hid away from others. I realized that none of us had said anything for the longest time.

 

“I'm sorry” I said, because I couldn't think of anything else.

 

“No” he said. Only then did I realize that he was looking down, in shame. “It's my fault, it's unforgivable. I shouldn't have taken my anger out on you.”

 

I nodded, relieved that I'd come out of the situation without much damage.

 

“I'm really just an assistant” I said, “and the boss only wanted to make sure I wasn't making any trouble, since this is my first real job for the company.”

 

I'd had this story thought up in an instant. Now that I wasn't scared anymore, my brain seemed to function again.

 

He nodded. “I'm sorry, I thought he'd sent you to spy on us.”

 

Shocked, I forgot all my manners and stared at him with an open mouth.

 

“Why would he do that?”

 

“I don't know. It just felt weird to get an assistant now, after we've gone without one for so long. And I... Anyway, I'm happy that's not it. I hope we can get along well. I'm really sorry, again.”

 

He held out his hand and, after a few seconds of hesitating, I took it.

 

We went back to the practice room then. Somehow, both Lina and Hero seemed to have made up their minds and actually harmonized. I felt relieved for him. But then, since I didn't have anything else to do but think of what he'd said and done.

 

He'd told me that he'd thought me as a spy. Why should the boss send someone to spy on them? Had something happened? I couldn't possibly find an answer to that question so I moved on. Why was he suddenly so angry?  Had I provoked him in some way? But I couldn't think of something that I had done wrong.

 

Deep in my thoughts, I didn't notice that I was staring at him. Thankfully, he was too deep into the song to notice. I took the chance to look at him properly. His hair was dark brown and shone in the dim light the lamp on the ceiling provided. He was wearing comfortably clothes, jeans, a grey T-shirt and a sweater.  I wasn't someone to be too crazy about looks, but he definitely was handsome. I remembered past pictures of him and I was pleased that he was looking more manly now. I liked a man that had some muscles instead of a pretty face.

 

After I'd taken in all of his appearance, I went back to my problem at hand: How to make this guy, that was good-looking and smooth, but on the other side quick-tempered and cold, fall in love with me. I agonized over the question. Should I try to play weak so that he'd want to protect me? Should I try to play hard-to-get so he'd want to have me? Should I try to get to know him so that he'd get to know me too? I was really bad at flirting, I knew. My past experiences had shown that for it would be best to stay silent and smile while the guy talked. It seemed impossible for me to fulfill my assignment.

 

Soon the practice was over and everyone seemed happy. They had completed the song and even the vocal coach said that it was excellent. Since he didn't have more schedules and all other four were still occupied, it was my turn to drive him home.

 

“I'll just drop you off and then go back to fetch the others” I told him when we were getting into the car.

 

He didn't say anything and just popped his earphones into his ears. Damn you, Kim Jaejoong. Hadn't I cried in front of you? Wasn't that enough to be at least a bit interested? But he closed his eyes and ignored me.

 

We drove in silence so when he suddenly spoke up, I was so shocked that I hit the breaks. Thankfully we were in an empty street and no one was around.

 

“Can you stop here please?” His voice was next to my ear and when I turned around I could see that he was leaning over so that his face was next to my head.

 

When he saw my shocked face, he laughed. Then, without another word, he open the door and left the van. Damn you, Kim Jaejoong. How could he scare me like that and still laugh? Then I realized that it'd be better to follow him. I didn't want the manager to get angry at me. I quickly followed him into the small grocery store. It was well lit and cramped with racks. I found him in front of the alcohol section.

 

“Are you kidding me? You want to buy...”

 

“Shh” he said, holding his index finger against my lips to quieten me. “Be quiet, will you? I just want a few bottles. We aren't allowed to buy more than beer.”

 

I was shocked, in a way. Not that he wanted to buy alcohol secretly, but that he thought I wouldn't tell.

 

“Hey, Kim Jaejoong, what do you take me for? Don't you think that I will tell? If you aren't allowed to drink, then there must be a reason, right?”

 

He smirked. “Of course you won't tell. You'll get in trouble even if you tell him. You're not supposed to stop anywhere else than the apartment.” Satisfied, he went on selecting beverages.

 

I couldn't believe that he'd bring me into such a position. I couldn't get into trouble just yet. There was only one thing I could do.

 

“Give me that” I said and grabbed the bottle he was inspecting.

 

I heard a faint “Hey” from him, but I ignored it. I went to the counter and placed the bottle on it. The lady standing behind it raised an eyebrow.

 

“How old are you my dear? You seem awfully young.”

 

I blushed and got out my ID. This wasn't the first time I'd been mistaken as a minor, but it was definitely the most embarrassing one. I'd wanted to make impress him but now it must look only pitiful. I payed the alcohol then and turned around to find Jaejoong with his arms crossed and smirking in front of me. I ignored his teasing eyes and held out the alcohol. It was actually whiskey and according to the price, a brand.

 

He took the bottle and clearly wanted to say something, but I just said: “Not here” and left the store. I didn't need an ahjumma to hear our conversation.

 

Outside, I turned around to look at him. “What?” I asked.

 

“I don't understand how buying this proves your point.”

 

“It's easy: I bought the alcohol and forgot it at your apartment. You can keep it though, I don't drink.”

 

He chuckled. “You think it's going to be this easy? The manager is going to be angry with you just for forgetting it.”

 

Suddenly I was angry. Why would anyone need to be angry at me? I hadn't gone out to buy the alcohol in the first place, so why would I need to feel the consequences?

 

“You, who do you think you are? You think you can just put me in a situation like this and laugh? It's your fault you wanted to buy this. Be thankful that I'm not telling.”

 

I turned around and walked over to the other side of the van and got inside. Just after I'd entered, the front passenger door opened and he sat down next to me. I ignored him, although I wondered why he wanted to sit here and not in the back. I started the car, wanting nothing more than to get rid of this jerk. I'd thought him a bit cold and misunderstood, but turns out he's just an idiot. We drove in silence again. I tried hard not to glance at him. When we arrived, he got out before I even cut off the engine.

 

I followed him. He hadn't apologized for his actions but I still needed to make sure he was well. I barely got into the elevator he was in. He hadn't kept it open for me. When we arrived at the right floor, he hurried to the apartment. This time I wasn't fast enough and the door closed right in front of me.

 

I gritted my teeth. He was not only a jerk but disrespectful as well. I opened the door with the key the manager had given me on the first day. I found him in the kitchen, opening the bottle.

 

“Hey, you're not going to drink that now, are you? Are you crazy? The others and the manager will be back in no time and you can't be drunk then!” I tried to take the bottle away from him but he was too fast. Now he seemed angry. I didn't care, I was too angry myself.

 

“Don't tell me what to do. You have no right to tell me what to do, okay? And besides, you're just an assistant, nothing more. Don't try to act like you can tell people what to do.”

 

He'd raised his voice and was staring me down. But I wasn't scared. Instead, I answered in the same tone.

 

“Yes, I am just an assistant, that's exactly correct. Do you think just because I am you can just do whatever you want over my head, not caring that I might get in trouble and laughing instead? You think because I am not your manager the rules don't apply?”

 

I was clenching my fists so hard I was sure of leaving marks with my fingernails. We stared at each other, still angry. I could see that he was clenching the whiskey bottle hard. To our both' surprise we heard the door open and tired voices talking.

 

“Damn” I said. They must've finished early and got here with another car. “Put that away, fast.”

 

But he wasn't fast enough stuffing the bottle into a kitchen cabinet. The manager entered the kitchen before he'd closed the cabinet door.

 

“What's going on here? What did you just put in there, Jaejoong? Step aside.” He opened the cabinet and, sure enough, he took out the bottle. I let my head hang.

 

I was in so much trouble.