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Incheon

          “I will find you," he whispered. "I promise. If I must endure five years of purgatory, five years without you - then that is my punishment, which I have earned for my wrongdoings.” His voice dropped, nearly to a whisper, and his arms tightened around the black inkpen as he wrote onto his journals.

"…I wanted so much to be near you. I want to hold you, feel you on me, it torments me so much as how much I craved for your skin…."

"…Sometimes, in life we get hurt. I had somewhat figured out you were worth the pain..."

“…Each night when I sink into the warm, dark pile of blankets and I went even deeper into myself, far away, exactly where I wanted to be. With you in my dreams...”

“…I remember the times you ran your fingers over my scars, slowly tracing the outlines of my despair. I remember the times you frantically looked for me as I stood over edges only to find me and hold me tight against your chest...”

…"I remembered vividly the feeling of you. I can't explain to your the severity of my happiness. I've learned that patience is the truest virtue and when you have that endless amount of patience with me and only me, there isn't really any greater gift than that. I learned the truth of believing in believing in you. I saw the beauty in our love. I felt it. I saw it. I woke up with it every morning…"

“…Don't you see I never want the story of my life to ever be rewritten? In a way, despite all the events that had occurred, it happened between you and me. Only the revolution of you and me...”

“…I won't ever worry, love because I will be with you soon again. I miss you and I wear your name above my heart…”

“…I can still remember you eyes. Your beautiful hazel eyes. I watched you sleep with me one night and I couldn't stop gazing at your beauty. I want you to know that you are beautiful and I could not profess how undying your thoughts consume me each day. With every heartbeat. I long to see you…”

“…You always wonder what you look like through my eyes. Love, you are beautiful. How long has it been since I last heard the beating of your heart? My fears travel with me, clinging with an endless affection. I could not shed any more tears for the day. I watched so many people die that I wonder, for your safety. I want to hear the sound of your breathing and feel them close onto my cheeks. I want to place my head above your s and hear your heartbeat. Your living means the world to me...”

“…In my sleep, I await for the day I could finally come back to you. I have so much to say. Every injury I obtain I endured them with the thought of you. Think of only you. Think of the moment, what I’ll say when I see you. Think of the sound of your breath as I see you again. They have asked me how I never complained, but they don’t know you, my love. I learnt my strength from you...”

“…Don’t they know, why I never explored my thoughts with anyone, in fact other than my brother and my father. I didn’t want to share them with anyone. I was saving them for you. These letters I had handwritten in the difficult nights, I only want you to listen to them...”

» » » P r e s e n t ; 2 0 1 2

Church

Seoul, South Korea

Never. I won’t ever forget you Taeyeon.

          There had been 2,578 letters. In each one, he never questioned why there weren’t ever any replies. He never complained and only professed. He confessed his love daily, for so long only for her eyes to read and her ears to listen. Each starting with a Beloved Taeyeon, and ending with a Faithfully, Leeteuk. His love was unconditional.

“A man had sent them to me and I sent it towards the hospital, by then you have been discharged, no longer a patient. The seals were unopened when I have come to visit four years ago. The nurses couldn’t locate you; thankfully they kept it secured in a bundle, thousands of them, untouched. Leeteuk had intended for Nurse Hwang to read it for you, he figured you were still impaired.”

Father Shim sighed. “And as unfortunately, even she had since migrated to know of your whereabouts. I hadn’t told Leeteuk about this, since the only contact were given are one-sided, I could only receive news but he could not get a reply.”

She was brought in for a mere moment addressed then as Lee Taeyeon. She was sent to schools and progressed outstandingly. In fact, did not know that Leeteuk and his sharing of experiences taught so much of it. Taeyeon became a qualified medical staff in the art of it. She lived with bright future in those years since meeting charming Lee Dong Wook, proposed to rest her future on. It was as if she hadn’t missed Leeteuk at all.

“Taeyeon, I just want you to know, that there is a man who still writes to you,” he added sotto voce. “He doesn’t know how not to.”

          It is difficult. Loving someone and comprehending that the love you possess for that person could ruin her life. Loving someone to the point where it aches to look at her. Loving someone to the point where you risked your life for her; you withheld the pain in silence just because you can't stand to see her getting hurt.

As time goes by, everything was a complete blur and Taeyeon was confused of her reason of being in the hospital. All that she could remember was her time in her childhood, her family, and her car accident. It felt like yesterday she witnessed the burial of her parents. It pains her and sent her to a slight depression at the mere rememberance. She didn't want to believe it; to have feelings for someone she didn't know at all.

“How could Leeteuk allowed such feelings to grow in such prejudiced society. He couldn't love you. Even he knew that. And seeing you once again became impossible for him to abide by the fact,” the old man took a deep breath before continuing. “That he could never be with you. And it hurts.”

“Please, at least give me a chance to be with her, he says. Through his life he has been continuously been misunderstood, frowned upon and somehow you have allowed him to feel love. The reason he left was because it had been inevitable. Like a dream it all ended so quickly, until he saw you again. This time was like the first time, you couldn't recall any memory about him at all. Leeteuk didn't mind it, but he just wanted to be with you while you’re there. Just to be allowed to spend his time with you even for a few minutes. So that he could feel that love again even it isn't reciprocated. He’d never missed someone as much as he does then. He never wanted to lose you again, he had never been able to let you go ever since he left and he couldn't do it now, not in that condition.”

          There were many things that Taeyeon wanted to ask as Father Shim spoke in such ambiguous manner. "But it gradually seemed to me that he’d made himself believe something that wasn’t true. He had made himself believe that he was fine and happy and fulfilled on his own without the love of anyone else. That was never possible,” the latter shook his head while Taeyeon wiped her own tears that were trickling relentlessly hearing it all. Father Shim wanted to resume but he could not; tears stood in his eyes.

Taeyeon nodded and prepared her heart as she dared to ask him one final question she has borned in her heart. “What was his name?”

“His name is Jung Su, Park Jung Su.”

She caught on to everything now after meeting Father Shim. He was alive, and he had always been there in front of him. Leeteuk is Park Jung Su. The man she loved, she could've known. How he yields for her, his character and traits so retentive. He wasn't lost was he? Now she was vaguely beginning to understand why he could only apologize. Right here in front of her eyes. This similar looking man that all along had kept it to his own, and let it hurt him. It couldn't be.

Her past wish to finally see him was fulfilled the first time and she never noticed him. She was better blind. She should've noticed him quivered at her then, how his back stiffened when she's near, his attempt to avoid and not speak. How it must've hurt him to look through her eyes that he once complimented her of. And even through all the hurt she probably gave him, he remembered her favorites too.

♦♦♦

          She sat on the front bench of the now empty church, clutching onto her chest crying. What a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for-and to do it so unconsciously. She had been waiting for him for the longest time.

“Oh God...” she sobbed. Her eyes started to fog as she began to hear her head ringing aloud. I was just somebody else, some stranger, and my whole life was a haunted life, the life of a ghost. She blinked countless times as memories filled up her mind. She remembers. The way he touches her, his voice, his scent. And she recalls meeting him the first time. She finally managed to see the man she loves.

“Leeteuk…” she wept, cringing as she held onto her pounding heart. She was not supposed to overwork herself, for her eyesight. Soon after tiring herself from all the crying, she out and fainted.