PART III

+ + + P r e s e n t  D a y; 2 0 1 2

Church

Seoul, South Korea

(Autumn- October)

          Father Shim closed his eyes and drew a deep breath. It was already sundown as he finishes retelling the entire moments during their first four years she had shared with Leeteuk during their days in the ward. The old man patiently answered all her questions.

“He met you when he was at his worst, at that moment; he had lost everything. He was alone. You somehow reminded him of his sister, he felt obliged to protect you, care for you. What he didn't realize was how he had completely fallen for you the first time. You make him so happy; you told him he was perfect. You meant the world to him,” he uttered before taking a sip from the tea that was left on the table before them. It was already cold, and she watched as he quenched his thirst after talking for so long.

It was vague, very vague because after that there was nothing left. No more. Why didn’t she find those letters sooner? Did something happen while she was penetrating from her previous life in Jeonju? Her heart aches to know more, but a part of her wants to believe that Leeteuk has never existed in her life. And she wonders why.

          The pastor gently got up on his feet and held her hand, brought her to a room beside his own. He told her to rest for the night and continue to reminisce the day after. She gave a soft smile and he let go of her hand, placing a chaste kiss on her forehead and walked away. Like Father Shim had told her, this was Leeteuk’s room. It was small and cozy, for some reason made her feel completely at ease and so much closer to her own heart. She sat on the bed lain with a chiffon blanket and closed her eyes. There were so many things she had learnt that day, so many more to recall. She wonders if she could start remembering on her own, to fit her own puzzle pieces.

Days earlier when she met her caretaker, Nurse Hwang explained her reasons of sending her to Seoul was that Leeteuk had been reported dead.

“…Then you found out and I can't even describe your condition. You were a wreck and that was when I knew how much he meant to you. You spent days not responding, crying, starving. You would lie on that damned ward for hours. Eventually, you decided to die. To forego everything else..." Her eyes teared recollecting those words and wanted so much to hear it from Father Shim himself. She wanted to know if he had really left.

Taeyeon couldn't miss him as much as she wanted to and now she would rather believe that he has never existed in her life, to stop feeling all these emotions she knows no reasons for. She wishes she could begin to explain why, but she couldn't. Her mind has been lost for months, years probably and she doesn’t understand anything anymore. She cried silently wanting it back. She wants her life back.

Do you believe in love? Father Shim had asked.

          There must be in life something like a catastrophic turning point, when the world as we know it, ceases to exist. A moment that transforms us into a different person from one heartbeat to the next. The moment when a lover confesses that he’s leaving. Or the day we bury our parents to the ground. Or the moment when the doctor informs us of being visually impaired. Taeyeon has felt them all and sitting in this room now, with her mind so close to Leeteuk, it was as if they never felt catastrophic at all. Not that she is indignant to her reality but holding her thoughts onto him felt like a cathartic release.

What wouldn’t most of us give to be in our worst state in life and still have someone to touch our hearts to the point of tears with? To feel and, without saying a word, just know exactly what the other is thinking, what they have seen? What wouldn’t be incredible about being with someone so long, so intimately, that they know you better than you know yourself? She realizes how much he had meant to her and now how is she possibly going to live without him?  She wishes to hold onto him forever.

Taeyeon looked over to her side and noticed the box she had brought along with her. It was his letters, wondering if the night would prolong enough to finish reading them entirely. She now realizes how it all started to make sense. The reason she left Jeonju with such an empty heart. Why she made an accord to stop her marriage. Why she found no meaning in life after his reported death. It is all because of one someone who owns her entire heart. That person whose named etched beautifully at the end of his letters. Leeteuk.