❝The Lost Us❞

∞

"Goodnight, Baek Inha." 

A silence followed, a silence of his side of line, and a silence of her line, and it was cut off with a sound of beep but he stood still, the phone still pressed against his ear as he recalled their conversation of a mere minutes, and the mere minutes felt like an ease yet much like a heavy rock placed on his heart as the two words of their wish-well echoed in his mind but felt like a silent goodbye. 

A swallow of his tightened throat, and Sehun looked at the blue sky emerged with the snowflakes pouring in its beautiful form behind his blurry burning eyes. 

The two words were still making a silent chaos in his mind, his heart was piercing unpleasantly at it because he never wanted to utter those words, not when it felt like a goodbye since he wanted to utter the words of his depth, the depth of affection he had been keeping inside his heart from the moment he had realized his affection for her; Inha. 

He could never forget that moment, the moment of him leaving his home, his parents, his friends like family, and her, and her teary eyes bidding him a safe journey, her back facing him, her steps distancing from him as he watched it all with a heavy heart; with a piercing pain of unexplainable feeling. 

And it got him. 

It got him the moment he had taken a step back from her; the moment when he had thought of leaving something precious, something like a home behind, something like a warmth and he realized it the moment of her back retreating, the moment of her last words behind. 

And he couldn't do anything but stayed still with a painful piercing in his heart, and tears in his eyes. 

He felt like an idiot for realizing it too late; the timing of his realization, as if it wasn't in his hold; as if the time wasn't in their hold. 

He tucked his phone back in his thick jacket, and began his walk by the park where he had came to take a morning walk as he still had to practice, practice his swimming after two months of his overworking his muscles and James had strictly prohibited him from practicing till his muscles heals yet him being the stubborn boy was being stubborn until Jinsoo had him talk to Minho and in the end, he had to comply like usual. 

But the main reason was her words; her words of hope for him, to hold on to it, that had been engraved in his heart and whom his heart always follows on its own, before he didn't know the reason but now he knows. 

He still remembers the time he had arrived in this foreign place, the people here, and the atmosphere of this place seemed like an alien thing to him, that even he found hard to communicate and that learning about the foreign language before his arrival here had helped him talk, and even though he had gotten one or two people to converse, he still felt lonely, he missed his people, his friends, and Inha. 

His friends were the one pushing him ahead, and Inha was the one listening to his words like being his all ears like always, that how lonely this place had been, how swimming has been the only thing close to him, and she heard it like always behind her heartwarming words of how he had worked hard to reach there, and how he had to be there to reach where he wants to now; that's how she had motivated him, like always. 

But he couldn't tell her the emotions his heart wanted to convey, that of all things, people, he was missing her the most, so much that his heart felt a pierce; he wanted her to be by his side. 

He still missed her; he was missing her. 

His eyes stared at the pouring snow as it reminded him of the moment of theirs, the moment of her snuggled up in her warmth, the sight of her rosy nose and her laughter that beamed in the moment like the only ease in his heart and his heart sank with a sting again as he recalled the moment of their conversation earlier after he had heard from Jinsoo how things have been hard for her and her family. 

He wanted to talk to her; listen to her, but she didn't let him, and her silence felt like a heavy thing in his heart but he could feel it, her silence held so much words that she wasn't pouring out and he didn't know the reason behind, neither he could tell but it left him in a guilt of not being enough to be there for her and listening to her almost cracked voice had evoked an urge to leave everything behind and be there for her. 

Yet he knew he couldn't. 

She wouldn't like it, and he couldn't turn away from his dream that he had found; that she had helped him find. 

His mind was questioning the timing of this phase, his phase of realizing his depth too late, the depth he almost confessed but couldn't, because he couldn't burden her with something his heart had engulfed, not when she was going through a hard time. 

And it hurt; it was hurting more than he thought. 

His phone rang, and he was quick to answer Jinsoo's call as he spoke. "Sehun-ah, how is your shoulder now?" 

Sehun hummed; looking at the pour of snow subsiding. "It's better than before." 

"Don't over practice." 

"I won't." 

"Did you tell Inha about it?" 

He went silent, and sighed as he his lips. "No," He trailed off, shoving his hand in his jacket pocket to warm it up as he looked down. "She's already going through so much, I couldn't say anything and I didn't want to burden her with it." 

"Yeah, things haven't been really good lately for her." 

He heard him with a sigh and Sehun bit his lip. "And I can't do anything for her." 

"That's not your fault, buddy." 

"I know but I just want to be with her right now." Sehun uttered, his heart welling up enough for his vision to blurry as he swallowed. "I just really miss Inha." 

He heard nothing but silence until Jinsoo spoke. 

"Sehun-ah, by any chance, do you love Inha?" 

And Sehun couldn't say anything because indeed he was; he had been. "I do and I couldn't tell her, Jinsoo." 

Jinsoo had seen it, felt it, and knew something but he couldn't tell him because it was her place to do so, it was her will to make this decision and he felt guilty as a friend that he couldn't do anything for them. 

Why was the world so cruel to them? Why was life being so cruel to the ones in love? Why was the timing so wrong for them to convey their depths?

"Tell her when it's the right time." 

That was all he could say as a friend who supported him, but who knew that the time wouldn't come to them, that the time would make them drift apart. 

No one saw it coming; no one could see anything coming. 

But it still hurt, and a pain that never hurt like before. 

_____________________________

The silence had followed between the two males as a wave of fresh air hit hard leaving a soft chill but they stood still, one waiting for an answer and the other one fighting his own thoughts to come up with the words just like before, just like that talk, just like that displease of his heart. 

"I shouldn't have asked it." 

Jinsoo commented, leaning against the railing with his hands on it as he looked at Sehun lost in his own trance until he turned to him. "It must be obvious since you have already asked." 

Jinsoo's eyes widened. "It's been years." 

"Exactly." Sehun uttered, with a disbelieved chuckle as he turned around, leaning against the railing with his eyes staring at the woman seated there; having a time of her soft laughter unaware of how beautifully contagious it is, and how contagiously it was engraved in his mind like a melody, the melody he didn't expect to listen to it again, but he was, and it still sent the same fluttering waver right there. "It's been years." 

And it still feels the same. 

It was unexpected, because in all those years of his depth for her had been kept in his heart, without stirring it, without any reciprocation, as the years had passed with the juggles of his life in his settlement, but the urge to meet his people never left, the urge to meet her was never subsided and his mind had come up with that the depth of affection for her had been buried in his heart in a place that could never be stirred or replaced but he was caught wrong.

He was caught wrong the moment he had met her again; his heart stirred again, and it was her again. 

As if it was her place to do it; always. 

"Sehun." 

He looked at Jinsoo who stood in the same position as him as he looked at Inha talking to Yoojung and Si-woo with a sigh leaving his lips to look back at him. "I wasn't really surprised by it back then because unlike you, everyone seemed to think the same but I have always questioned the timing," He trailed off, looking ahead again. "Why did the time have to be so wrong and worse? Even right now, I really want to support you but it might just give you hope for something that might not be in your favor." 

Jinsoo said in a thought of Inha's buried depth for him but Sehun, who didn't know any of it seemed to take his words in another way in his head as his eyes looked ahead to see the sight around the table; and as he was observing it more closely, he realized Jinsoo's words that time might not be in his favor again but if the time wasn't in his favor then why was this depth in his heart still there? 

And the answer was before his eyes; Inha. 

Yet, he couldn't do anything like back then, and it hurt like the familiar pain again. 

"Don't worry." He uttered, looking at Jinsoo with a smile; a forced one, a saddened one. "I wouldn't want to lose what we have again." 

Jinsoo watched him turning back again to the railing but he stood still, looking at him then to Inha and all he could feel was a pain for them; his two best friends, one whom he had watched burying her pain in her heart, and other one was still in it, still bearing the pain in his heart. 

Life was really cruel to them. 

Inha and Yoojung gave Si-woo a nod as he excused himself to the washroom downstairs leaving the women alone as Inha glanced in the direction of the railing to find the males having a conversation but the looks of it really seemed like a serious one before she turned to Yoojung to find her leaving her place to settle on Si-woo's, next to Inha who stared at her confusingly by her action. 

"What did you think about Si-woo?" 

Inha stared at Yoojung's change of expression of seriousness and her lips parted. "I don't think I should give him any false hope, Yoo." 

"Is it because of Sehun?" 

Her words surely had taken Inha off guard, as her widened eyes were the proof of it and she couldn't help but glance at the man by the railing having his back to her; just like that time, and she immediately averted her gaze away to fiddle with her fingers. "No, it's not."

"Then?" 

"Si-woo has been someone really close to me as a friend, as a mentor, and in no way I would want to lose a person just because I can't reciprocate his feelings." She stated, her heart sinking to meet Yoojung's patient eyes. "I have been trying Yoojung, but I can't seem to do it, I don't know if it's because I have been looking at him just as my friend, or something else." 

"But whatever it is, it's my issue, my baggage to carry and I can't bring Si-woo to get hurt because of this because he doesn't deserve this." She added, her heart welling up and Yoojung immediately wrapped her arm around her shoulder with a gentle squeeze. "I just don't want you to regret anything in your life, Inha. The decisions have always been yours to make and I can only be here to either tell you what's right, and what's wrong but in the end, it falls on you, like I had suggested you to give it a chance, you did give yourself a chance for it but if you think this is the right thing then do it."

Inha nodded, her heart heavy by the thing she's going to do until she found Yoojung opening her other arm as well with a smile, and Inha was quick to hug her as that's what was she needed at the moment while Yoojung just hoped that things would fall into the right place for her best friend yet her mind was having a conflict of its own; like before, like it was back then. 

"Did we miss something sentimental?" 

Both of the females leaned away to look at the two males of their squad, as Jinsoo had his eyebrows raised in a questioning way while Sehun had his head tilted, and Inha met his eyes but he was quick to look away which Inha didn't find odd, but she felt it the moment she found him taking the chair that was occupied by Minho earlier instead of taking the seat next to her that was his place since before. 

Since always. 

The places of theirs yet drifted apart. 

"Sehun-ah!" 

Minho called him out, coming behind him as Sehun tilted his head up to find him pointing towards Inha. "I heard you two are neighbors now."

The next second he found Si-woo taking the chair next to Inha as he stared at them behind a feeling of tightness in his heart to lock eyes with Inha. "Yes." 

"Oh, did you taste Inha's food then?" Jinsoo asked, snickering and earned a glare from Inha until Sehun spoke up. "You mean burnt Chicken Bulgogi? I couldn't dare to." 

"I should have stuffed it in your mouth." Inha uttered through her gritted teeth along with her threatened eyes and Sehun chuckled, looking down for a second to meet her eyes again. "You wouldn't even reach my neck." 

"I can still punch your face." 

"And I'm so scared of it." 

"You should be!" 

"Stop!" Minho interrupted, and sighed. "I shouldn't have started this knowing they just don't stop." 

"Exactly, hyung, your age is finally reflecting your senses." Sehun uttered, and Jinsoo nodded, with a fake hurt of sigh as he looked up. "My hyung is finally acting like his age now, my heart," He trailed off, placing his palm on his right chest. "My heart is in pain." 

"Heart is on the left side." 

He heard Si-woo and Minho sighed. "How did I get myself this brat of a brother? Yoojung, how are you dealing with him?" 

Yoojung shrugged. "Love it is." 

"And love is blind." 

Sehun stated, and the next second, laughter erupted around the whole terrace with Jinsoo throwing the biscuit towards him only to end up hitting Minho who twisted his ear with Yoojung trying to take his hands off while Inha, Sehun and Si-woo were enjoying the scene with much laughter; the laughter that beamed around the same people with the same emotions of pleasantness, like it was before, like it was back then. 

But something still felt missing; something like warmth, something lost, that had to be placed back in, had to be found again. 

And among them was an individual who had seen it all, and felt it all. 

_____________________________

11:01 pm 

"Drive home safe." 

Minho watched the kids driving away in their respective cars; his mind taking a flashback of their teenage days, the time when one couldn't drive properly on the road to end up in a police station but now they were leading their lives brightly like they deserve, like they had came a long way to be there and he just prayed, and hoped to stay this way. 

After so long the squad was back in his sight, and he wanted to stay it that way. 

Inha had her hands on her lap, her fingers fiddling again as he glanced at Si-woo driving silently to drop her off at her place but Inha had her mind somewhere else; the thought of not reciprocating his feelings felt like a huge guilt but turning him down could do more and she already felt it. 

Her head tilted to the side towards the window where her eyes got a glimpse of Sehun's car through the side-mirror behind them and she couldn't be confused since his place was the same way as hers; their homes happened to be at the same destination yet her mind couldn't help but get confused, as she recalled Yoojung's words of her almost happening action was related to him in a way. 

She had denied it because in her mind she had already buried her depth long back in her heart so it couldn't be yet her heart was feeling uneasy about it. 

"Inha." 

She snapped out, and turned to find Si-woo's confused look. "We have reached." 

Inha turned to look at the huge building of her place, greeting her to look back at him as she stared at him for a moment with him raising his brows. "Is there something wrong?" 

"That-" 

His phone rang and he was quick to cut it off to look back at her with a sheepish look. "Sorry, it was my mom." 

Inha frowned. "Is it okay to cut her phone like that?" 

"She's been trying to set me up on blind dates these days and I know it must be that." He pressed his lips together as he leaned back to tilt his head and Inha looked down at her lap. "I think you should do that." 

Si-woo went silent for a moment as he stared at her, adapting her words until it got him, his heart sinking as he swallowed. "Do I not stand a chance?" 

Inha shook her head, meeting his gloomy eyes leaving a wave of guilt in her heart behind a well up emotion. "I don't stand a chance." 

He nodded, his hands tightening on the steering wheel as he looked away with a welling up heart to look back at her. "Can I know the reason?" 

"I don't want to hurt you." Inha stated, looking down as she couldn't meet his eyes. "I have always been looking at you as a great of mine, the friend who always have been with me from the time I had felt alone in the place of my dream, so I don't want to lose you," She trailed off, lifting her head to meet his saddened eyes with a heavy heart. "You deserve someone who chooses you without any doubt, without any reason, without any hesitation in one's approach," She paused, with a deep sigh as she smiled at him. "You deserve someone who deserves you and that's not me, Si-woo." 

He heard it, and though his heart sank at those words, but he knew he couldn't force it, one can never force to love someone and he knew it, as it had been before, just like back then, and maybe this time he needed a closure for himself that he didn't. 

And maybe it meant to happen like this, to move ahead because life still has more to explore and maybe this was just the beginning of it; for him. 

"Inha," He trailed off, as she looked at him and he smiled, not forced, not fond one but just a smile toward someone whom he was grateful for. "Thank you for being honest with me." 

Inha nodded; smiling back. "Thank you for liking me." 

"Who wouldn't?" 

"People who can't handle me." 

Both of them chuckled, a little awkward but for now it was fine, as it has to be. 

The next moment, Inha found herself looking at his retreating car disappearing by her sight with a lost look, a wave of guilt in her heart as she recalled the moment earlier again; thankful for Si-woo's understanding and guilty for breaking his heart but it was only for not breaking it more, for not hurting him more than it could have yet it left her in a heavy guilt as she stood alone. 

Yet she wasn't. 

A bit far behind her stood his car and seated on his driving seat was Sehun, his eyes staring at particular woman's back silently; the always particular one in his eyes as his fingers ran through his hair up to lean his head back against the headrest while his elbow rested against the window as he was confused whether he should get out or not since earlier because of the car blocking his way but not seeing a movement had him stop. 

Not liking the way his thoughts were drifting to a certain thought, conflicted about his own heart still reaching out to her; yet not being able to hold her because it wasn't his place to do so and because no one tells how to get out of it either. 

Unaware of it was his place from the start; always. 

Inha was about to go inside but her phone pinged with a call from her father as she pressed it against her ear to hear his ever happy exclamation. "Bubble!" 

"Dad." 

He went silent for a moment. "Inha, is everything fine?" 

She cursed herself internally for being obvious and before she knew it, she had asked him. "Dad, why do we have to hurt someone for not hurting them?" She questioned, her heart welling up as a moment of a drifted but unforgettable moment crossed her mind. "Why do we have to be so honest enough to hurt them for not hurting them? Why do we have to be so selfish?" 

She couldn't help but ask, her eyes tearing up at the heart wrenching memory with her fingers clutching her earlobe until she heard him. "You got your answer in your question, bubble."

"There are times when you can't help but be honest, and there are times when you can't help but hurt people so you don't hurt them further and that's not being selfish, it's being selfless for one, and for another to not get hurt." He said, behind his firm and gentle voice. "Circumstances lead us to do it, but that doesn't mean we're being selfish, it's just that life hasn't been easy to lead us to do it for those to not to get hurt and there's no selfishness for doing better for ourselves." 

"One has a right to look after themselves from hardships." He added. "Everyone has their happiness stored in them, and it will find them eventually so don't be hard on yourself and let it come to you."

Inha nodded, and the next moment she felt a warm material covering her head as she flinched, and looked at the side to find Sehun looking back at her; her blurry vision greeting his frown look, his eyes glinted in an unpleasant emotion bored into hers silently with a reminder of the familiar moment flashing behind. 

The phone was long hung up but the pair stood still in the silence. 

"I'm not going to cry." Inha uttered, sliding his denim jacket down her shoulders as she wiped the corner of her eye and felt his lingering gaze on her as she met his eyes behind her moistened eyes. "What?" 

"Did he make you cry?"

That was the question he asked, his frown deepening with a wave of anger and Inha blinked a couple of times. "No." 

"Then why are you crying?" 

"I'm not." 

"So, is that Han River in your eyes?" 

"Quiet it down, Oh Sehun!" 

Inha whisper-yelled, looking around before taking a hold of his elbow as she led him to the sitting area of the building located outside it as some people from the building were still coming back and forth, and the area would be a good place not to attract any attention since that's what Inha wanted at the moment for not making him fall into any trouble because of her since this man happen to be the one to do it. 

And that man didn't seem to care at the moment, as her well-being was the most important for him so he was just getting lead to where she was leading him wordlessly. 

Both of them were seated on the bench beside each other; their shoulders in the distance of a brush yet not brushing like their hands; close yet so far. 

"Does your big brain of a mind stops working at night?" Inha asked, and narrowed her eyes at him to find him leaning back with a nonchalance as she scoffed. "Should I remind you of you being a celebrity, celeb?" 

"And should I remind you of you being a freaking boxer, doc-lady?" Sehun retorted, as he reciprocated her look to find her confused as he huffed. "Why didn't you punch that fool for making you cry?" He looked away with a scoff. "You used to hit me whenever I did something." 

"Because you deserved it." 

"And he doesn't?" 

Inha hummed. "He doesn't." 

"Wow!" He scoffed loudly while looking up; feeling awfully angry. "Now you're taking sides."

"I'm not taking sides." 

"You are." 

"You're so hard to talk, Oh Sehun."

"So are you hard to deal with, Baek Inha." 

"Then don't." Inha mumbled, sighing. "I'm also frustrated with it myself." 

"Every person is." He stated, and Inha looked at him to greet his side-profile as his eyes were looking at the sky. "Every person deals with something hard, and when they can't, it frustrates them so let's just let it be, things will flow eventually." He paused, and looked at her to find her already staring at him intently as a wave of warmth seeped through him. "So don't be hard on yourself." 

Her heart warmed like his words as a smile graced her lips to look up at the sky. "Strangely dad said the same." 

"You were talking to him?" 

"Yeah." 

"I wonder if he had used his baseball bat after knowing the reason." 

He mused, as Inha turned to him with an incredulous look to meet his eyes with a knowing look and both