Author’s Note: This story is set in an alternate universe, in an imaginary town and country, and during an ambiguous time period.

“Hi, babe!” A smooth, scented kiss landed on Jajoong’s cheek, with soft, slim arms wrapping around his middle. He smiled down at Lani. 

“What’s up?” He muttered, sinking into her soft embrace.

She stuck her tongue out at him through her bright smile. “Glad you’re here with food.” She looked down at the to-go bags in his hands. “I am starving.” She sang the rest of her words. She reached for one of the bags. 

“So glad you could make it,” she said, walking away with the food and already digging in, popping some fries in ; she let him follow her through the common room and into the small dorm to her bedroom.

Bryan, and two other classmates, Luke and Sooyoung, were over to work on a project. They were in the same major as Bryan. Jaejoong had met the two when the group first formed and they started working on the project outside of class. He wasn’t particularly close to them or considered them friends, as he could see that Bryan had started to the longer that the semester had carried on, but both were nice and if they bumped into each other Jaejoong would smile and nod at them.

“Thanks for doing this,” Lani said, throwing him a bright smile over her shoulder as she held the door open for him.

“Of course. My pleasure.”

He wasn’t lying. He needed this distraction.

He had just taken his biology exam and he needed something to focus on, so when Bryan texted asking if he could grab them something to eat as they worked on completing their project, their one and only grade for that class, he was more than happy to do so and go over to Lani’s dorm room and get lost in the noise of their conversations.

He couldn’t get Yunho off his mind. He couldn’t get rid of the dirty, grimy feelings of disgust he carried everytime he thought about how he had and was, a little bit, still attracted to the guy that made his high school a living nightmare. It’s just…A.aime. A.aime. It was hard to let go of him and forget him. Those long nights of conversation, the way they shared their, the deepest crevices of his soul, telling him things he had never told another person. Not even his best friends. People he knew he could trust and tell anything to, but he had told A.aime everything. And there he was, Jung Yunho. A Jung Yunho who still wanted to play him like a fiddle. A Jung Yunho who wanted him to believe that this was all a coincidence and that he was not the heartless monster he had always known him to be. 

A Jung Yunho who refused to stop messaging him, even though he didn't respond to any of them. He was adamant on begging him for a meet-up. 

Jaejoong was too scared to meet up with him. He wasn’t ready yet. And possibly would never be ready. 

Jaejoong wanted to find a good reason behind any decision he was to make in regards to Yunho. If he met with him, he wanted it to be because he wanted answers and wanted to put Yunho in his place and prove, show, to him how different he was now, but not because he craved to see him and find a bit of A.aime in him. But he did not want to find A.aime in him.

A.aime had represented and meant so much to him. 

He simply couldn’t explain it even to himself.

He needed to stop pining for A.aime. He never was.

Jaejoong did know he was confused and hurt. He felt as if he was betraying himself.

He felt as if he had been so desperate for love that the universe was punishing him. He should have just focused on university and his friends and never tried to build anything with A.aime. He had been so foolish.

Well, never again.

The smoke that suffocated the bedroom greeted Jaejoong before his classmates could. 

“, are you’ll working or getting drunk?”

Bryan smiled up at him from his position on the ground and waved, a fat blunt between his lips. “Both,” he said, passing the joint to Luke, who gladly grabbed it and popped it between his lips.

“Nice to see you,” Sooyoung grinned, hugging her legs to her chest, and fluffing her long, black hair with the other hand.

“Glad to be the errand boy today.” He winked, dropping the rest of the bags in the middle of the circle they formed. 

As they ate and went back to working on their project, having loud discussions with sudden barks of laughter peppering the air, Jaejoong redrew to the side and pulled out his books and laptop and worked on his papers and did a little bit of studying.

Lani pulled him out of his concentration with a loud finger-snap near his ear. 

He winced, jerking away. “Oww. Lani, stop that.”

“Sorry. You seemed gone."

"Nope. Still here."

She nodded, bit her bottom lip before she asked, head tilted, "You good?” she crouched in front of him, hugging her knees. Her big, satin brown eyes locked on him.

He lifted the corner of his lips and nodded. “Working hard.”

She gave him a quick once over in silence before a large smile emerged. She reached over and ran her fingers through his smooth scalp and rubbed the end of his silky hair between his fingers, and said, “Now I feel bad asking you to get us drinks.”

“Not twenty-one yet.”

She rolled her eyes good naturedly and dropped her soft palm on his shoulder. “You know what I mean.”    

“You’re good. I’ll do it.” He already began getting up. “I need to stretch my legs.”

Lani looked up at him as he stood up. She looked wistful. She reached up. Clasping their fingers together, he hauled her up.

“I’ll tag along. Let’s do it together.”

“Alright.”

Opening the drawer of her desk, she looked around for some cash, found some, and said as she hooked arms with Jaejoong to leave, “We’ll be back.”

“Remember I want a coke,” Bryan hollered.

“Pepsi.”

“Seven-up.”

Lani rolled her eyes. “You will get what you get,” she said, pulling a chuckling Jaejoong after her.

Walking down the long corridor to the elevator, she asked, “So, what’s really up, babe?”

“Huh?” that felt like it came out of nowhere. “Like I said, I am fine.”

“Really?” Her eyebrows drew near in obvious concern. 

His heart sank.

“Yeah.” 

He hoped she wouldn’t press.

She stared at him for a few seconds before she swallowed and nodded.

They walked for a little bit before he asked, feeling uncomfortable, “Why do you think that...something is wrong with me...or something?” His jaw was taut with tension.

She looked at him. “I’ve noticed you’ve been a little bit out of it lately. I just wanted to make sure that everything was alright.”

That’s his attentive Lani.

Jaejoong wondered why they never jumped over that little wall that stood between them, becoming as close friends as he was with Bryan.

“Stress.” He scrubbed his face with his palm. “Exams.”

She nodded silently. “Yeah, I got you.” She tightened her grip on his arm. The smell of weed and perfume grew stronger.

She was the perfect person to ask for advice, he realized at that very moment. She was not a stranger, but she didn’t know him as closely as Bryan. He felt as if she could truly be impartial.

Lani was as sincere as she portrayed herself to be. She did not believe in judging others, her philosophy in life, and she always had advice for everything. Everything. Sometimes it got tedious.

“Actually—”

She perked up instantly, as if she was waiting for him to say that.

He grinned at her. 

She lifted her eyebrows, trying to hide her amused grin. “What?” She shrugged. “Your girl likes helping people.” She shrugged once more. “I am even thinking of changing my major.”

“You are?”

She nodded. “I think     I would make a great…mental health counselor or something,” she muttered, giggling. “But, we are not here to talk about me. You wanted to tell me something.”

He almost chickened out, using her topic change as a hint that maybe he should just let the moment pass.

This jittery feeling invaded his body. He felt off center. He needed to talk to someone. He couldn’t hold it all in by himself anymore. He needed to share this–his feelings–with someone. Someone who didn’t know Yunho or understand the gravity of his situation. 

“I….So, don’t laugh.”

“Never.” She was dead serious and focused.

He did not know if he liked this much undivided attention. The ferocity of her gaze made him think of Yunho and that made his heart dip, and his stomach did this crazy nauseating little thing before it tied itself in knots.

He chose his words carefully, deciding how much he was comfortable telling her as he went. “Someone who I thought I liked, but I’ve...been in contact with and I have decided that...that’s not true.” He looked at her, cheeks red. He was embarrassed at how nonsensical he sounded. He was making zero sense. Still, she nodded silently, urging him to continue. And so he did. “I...they asked me to meet up with them one last time to talk, because they've...Okay, let me restart.”

“Alright.”

“There this person I am—was—talking to on the web, anonymously, and we decided to meet for the first time in real life. We did, and he ended up being someone who I did not think it would be. A specter from my past. He’s someone I know. And…I want nothing to do with him, but he wants to meet up to...talk about things, I guess. I don’t know, honestly.” He paused and thinned his lips when he pressed them together.

She tightened her arms around his arm and leaned her head against his arm. “Thank you for confiding in me.”

He blinked. “Wha—” He sniggered. “You’re too much.” He chuckled and carded his fingers through his hair. “But no, thank you for listening to me.”

“I think you should do whatever you think is the best.”

He sighed regrettably. “That’s the issue, Lani. I cannot decide. I do not know what is the best. I am conflicted.”

They made a turn and Lani loosened her hold on him to press for the elevator. 

“Are you sure you’re not attracted to him?”

His heart leapt and got stuck in his dry throat. 

Clearing his throat with effort, he shook his head, clutching his throat. 

“You good?” she asked with a slight smirk.

“No. Yes!” He quickly added, saying, “And No!”

“Alright.” She slowly nodded. “I’m not pressing the issue, but are there really no feelings involved? None?”

He faltered. “No. No feelings. Not for him,” he said softly, sounding like a whiny, hurt child. “Just…maybe some feel–ings for the pen-pal I thought existed.” He squeezed out. “Maybe.”

“Thought?”

The elevator door snapped open. They walked in and turned around. She pressed for the first floor.

“He was my former bully—from high school.”

She wheezed in comprehension. “Ooh.”

He nodded, unable to look at her face and see expression.

She reached for his hand, lacing their fingers together. She had always been the touchy one.

“What do you say to that?”

“If it were me—now I am not telling you to do this—I think I would go meet him. There’s a lot to dismantle here, and I’d like to ask him—it's a him, right?---why?”

“I don’t know, Lani,” he said, and tried to free his arm. She refused to let him go.

“Was he in the closet back then?”

He shrugged.

“Was he homophobic?”

“I....” He paused and blinked a few times. He suddenly felt as if he was saying too much. He had already said too much, he realized. He might as well let it all out. “Yes.”

“I see.”

“Yeah.” He nodded and they stood there in silence for a bit more before she said, “Honestly. Love, it sounds like you need answers. If I were you, feeling as confused as you’re feeling, I would meet up with him.”

“You would?” He muttered.

She nodded. “I would have questions. Lots.”

He had questions. Lots.

The elevator stopped and it opened. They walked out.

His phone buzzed, a notification. He reached for his phone. It was from Yunho. Breathing in deeply, he opened it.

Hey,

How are you sorry? I am sorry for writing you. However, this will be the last message I write to you; I do not want to be a nuisance anymore than I have been. Even if you do not answer me, I want you to know on Friday evening, I’ll be at Lilly’s from five till nine. If you change your mind, drop by within that time frame. I’d stay longer, but they close at nine, lol.  

I want to talk to you and explain everything. I want to apologize to you in person. I know I’ve always been in the wrong. What I did to you in high school was horrible. There’s no excusing my part in that, and I do not plan on doing that. Ever. However, I do want to let you know that I’ve changed. I was not right back then. I’m not perfect now, but I am working on being a more confident person. And you have been instrumental in that happening. I want you to know, what happened in high school had nothing to do with what we shared this year. Our friendship meant so much to me.

I truly am sorry.

Sincerely,

Jung Yunho