Author’s Note: This story is set in an alternate universe, in an imaginary town and country, and during an ambiguous time period.

Jaejoong was a coward. He was running away like the spineless coward he was. 

He did feel bad, most of the time, but a part of him, which he was choosing to regard as the logical part of him, told him he was doing good work by running away. 

He wasn’t ready to face the feelings he had for Yunho or to face Yunho’s feelings. 

He told him he liked him and they kissed. 

His first kiss. 

It was amazing. 

But he didn’t know what was supposed to happen now. So, Jaejoong was doing what he did best, he was running to Bryan to solve his love problems. 

“I think...I’m catching feelings for this person I’ve been hanging out with.”

“Get out!” Bryan giddily screamed through the receiver. 

“I’m serious.”

“Wait. Why do you sound so upset?”

Jaejoong’s hand instinctively went to his face and his thumb and forefinger massaged his lips. 

His lips were still tingling and he could still feel the pressure of Yunho’s lips on his, even though it’s been three days. 

He had never thought such a day would come.

Staring into the night, Jaejoong wished he could tell his friend everything. About the kiss. That ing kiss. Yunho’s hand slid down to rest on his hip, where he squeezed as he had pulled him closer and closer and kissed him harder and deeper. Who would have guessed he was such a good kisser?

Jaejoong had sometimes thought about his first kiss and how it would all happen. He always assumed it would be one of those kisses he saw actors sharing in movies. He thought he would be cool headed and there would be no awkwardness. That hadn’t happened. 

A frank Yunho had nothing to say after that mind blowing, knee weakening kiss. 

They had awkwardly muttering that this was a natural end to their night and awkwardly walked out of the house and Yunho had opened his door for him and, instead of telling him that he wasn’t his girlfriend “or anything like that,” he simply said thank you in a voice that was barely louder than a whisper and dived into his car. 

Just thinking about the night made Jaejoong’s cheeks and ears heat up. 

Three days later he still felt jittery. 

He needed to talk to someone about the damned kiss!

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know why you’re upset?”

“I'm not upset. It’s just,” he inhaled sharply and said, “I might...like him and I don’t want to.”

“Why not? You’ve always said you were ready to date.”

“I might have been wrong.”

“Okay. Does he like you, too? Do you know?”

Yes, he likes me, and he even said so. 

Jaejoong’s stomach churned and the back of his throat burned. 

“I don’t know.”

“Okay. Okay. Let’s dial back.”

Jaejoong nodded pitifully. 

“So, how long have you two been talking?”

“We weren’t talking. It sort of just happened.”

“I mean, how long have you two been hanging out?

“Not long. A few weeks now.”

“Okay. Do you like what you see?”

Yes! A lot. 

“What do you mean?”

“How he talks to you; how he presents himself to you; how he is with you.”

“He's cool people. I guess.”

“We’ll, you’re not telling the truth, because there’s a hang-up.”

 He coughed. And he burned to tell Bryan the truth. But he couldn’t, regardless of how close and non-judgemental he knew his friend to be. 

If he couldn’t tell the people he knew since he was a child about his current predicament, no matter how supportive and understanding Bryan might turn out to be, Jaejoong felt nauseated at the thought of telling him who this guy he night had feelings for was, or their hot kiss, and his feelings.

Still, he needed advice, and that’s why he chose to call Bryan: Lani was too impersonal, Lilia, Jouji, and Jianyu would ask too many questions and want to know a name and see a face. He could not have that. Over his dead body.

But Bryan would allow him to talk without revealing him. Bryan respected his boundaries. 

“Maybe because he’s someone from this town.”

“Hmm. I see.” There was a slight paused before Bryan asked, “Is he someone from your high school?”

And he knew he was in deep , but he still tried to play it cool. 

“Yeah. Sort of.”

“Newly out of the closet?”

How much should I tell him, he wondered?

“No, not really. But, yeah, sort of.”

“His friends know?”

I wished. 

Bryan did say a word that jarred him back to reality, though. Friends. Nathen. He was a constant. Could he ever bypass the specter that was Nathen. 

“Sure.”

“Jaejoong, be serious.”

He studied his hand. “I….We kissed.”

Bryan squealed. “Kissed? So this is serious?”

“I don’t know.”

“You like him.”

His intake of breath was loud and sharp. It hurt. 

He did like him. A lot. And it hurts.

 Everything hurts. 

His ears and lips grew hot and tingly. “Yeah. I think I do,” he said in a raw, honest voice. 

“So, more than a summer fling?”

“We…..I think I have serious feelings for him.” He drew intricate patterns on his thigh with the tip of his forefinger, distracted by the memory of Yunho’s hard, warm lips on his. “I’ve never…” he trailed off, his eyes growing dry. He felt like crying. 

“Hey, everything will be fine,” Bryan said, picking up on his distress. “Why are you not happy? Does he not like you?”

He sniffed and wiped his nose with the back of his hand. “I think he likes me.”

“That’s good, right?”

“I don’t know. “

“Why not?”

“He gives me butterflies, Bryan. Butterflies! And, I want to hang out with him all the time. Always. If he doesn’t text me, I’m anxious! I like being around him, hearing his voice and seeing his smile.”

“And,” his friend laughed, “that’s good. Those are the physical and physiological symptoms of love.”

He sighed, holding the bridge of his nose and squeezed there. He wished this was as simple as he made it appear. “It’s not good.”

“No?”

He crushed his face in his palms. “No.”

“Summer flings can become all year flings,” Bryan said in a soft, supportive oice.

“No.”

“Why not? You found what you’ve been wanting.”

“I never wanted this.”

Not Jung Yunho.

“Was I dreaming during those nights when you—”

“Bryan, please, just—it’s complicated.”

“How so? I am all ears.”

“I don’t know,” he lied. “I’m just...not ready.”

“Yunho?”

His heart jumped in his throat and his anxiety attacked him. He groaned into his hand again. “Why—why would you say his name?” 

He knew he ed up the moment he stuttered. Bryan was not stupid. 

“Sorry. But, if you’re over that situation, why are you hesitating and denying yourself the chance to find love? I thought you said you were ready for love?”

Jaejoong cleared his throat, closing his eyes again. “This has nothing to do with Yun-Yunho?”

“The cat-fishing thing,” he said in a firm voice. 

“He didn’t catfished me. We both did not know.”

“Is that defending I hear?”

“No! But it has nothing to do with him,” he quickly said.

“Then what?”

“How do I know it’s not lust and infatuation? I’ve never been in a relationship before. I’ve obsessed with the idea of meeting the one and dating and the idea of falling in love. This might be a ing mistake.”

“Mistake? Jaejoong, my love, most first loves are ing mistakes! You learn about yourself through them.”

“No. I don’t want to get hurt.”

“Is he ugly?”

“What?”

“Is that why you are being secretive?”

“Wha-No!” Jaejoong sighed. 

“Okay, so I can’t know then.”

“No. It’s not like that.”

“You’re sure.”

“Let it go.”

“Okay.”

Bryan sounded hurt. 

“Bryan.”

“I’m fine. I’m teasing.” He resumed his preppy deposition. “Tell me what he looks like, at least.”

“Bryan, you have to believe me. It’s not like that, honestly.”

“I know. I was teasing.”

“Good. I appreciate you so much.”

“I know. But, hey, I’m willing to wait until you’re ready. But, I don’t know, babe, I encourage you to lower your walls and broaden your horizons. Just, be open to see things through different lenses.”

“Huh?”

“This guy might really be who you think he is and not what you expect. Give him a chance.”

“I’m scared,” he admitted. 

“We all are.”

“And unsure.”

He laughed. “Yeah, we all are.”

Jaejoong rue the day any of his friends learned about what he had been keeping for them. 

“You’re not helping.”

“It’s the truth. Just listening to what you really want to do. Giving it a go won’t hurt. Holding back will, because you’re going to wonder about what could have been.”

“Or maybe not.”

“True. But, for me, think twice before you say a definitive no.”

“Sure.”

“Thanks a bunch, cutie.”

Jaejoong laughed. “I love you.”

“Me too.”

-------- 

It was easy to promise Bryan he would try. 

But he didn’t know. He wanted to run away. 

Yunho texted him at two a.m.—the devil’s time. Of course he was awake, as if Yunho had predicted he would be. 

Yunho: Are you angry at me?

He was lying on his bed on his side and staring at his phone’s bright screen. It hurt his eyes. 

Jaejoong was still in a state of shock. 

He visibly shook when he saw the text. 

They had kissed and confirmed that there was something more than just friendship between them. But he wasn’t angry. 

Jaejoong: No?

His whole body was buzzing. His fingers felt stiff.

Yunho: Is that why I am being ignored?

Jaejoong wondered if he was angry. 

Jaejoong: I’m confused. 

Jaejoong: our past gives me pause. 

For the first time in forever, Jaejoong had to wait for Yunho’s response. Four long minutes. 

Yunho: Can we meet up?

Yunho: To talk.

His heart rate picked up.

Jaejoong: I dontknoe 

Jaejoong: *I don’t know. 

Jaejoong: I don’t think I’m ready.

Jaejoong: Sorry.

Yunho: Understood. Tell me when you are. We really need to talk.

Yunho: For what it's worth, I am sorry. 

Staring at the text, Jaejoong knew he needed to stop being a coward. He needed to face his fears—his feelings. Sooner or later, he’d have to do it, so why not know and just start anew.

It could never happen again. They can never happen again. It’ll be fine, he reasoned.

Jaejoong: don’t apologize. 

Yunho: I never meant to make you feel awful. 

Jaejoong: i don’t 

Jaejoong: you know what

Jaejoong: let me take it back. Let’s meet. We do need to talk. 

He was not the same scared, hurt, and depressed little boy he was back in high school. He was a man now; a grown, mature, and confident man. He did not run away from his fears, from Jung Yunho, he faced them—he faced him.

Yunho: Okay. 

Jaejoong: How about tomorrow. 

Jaejoong: will 6 work for you?

Yunho: Yes. 

------------

Jaejoong watched in a daze on the sideline as Jangmi and Lilia talked, laughter spilling from their throat every few seconds. Jouji was standing silently beside an animated Jianyu who was talking to Jiae. She looked bored but was still trying to be polite by smiling.

Usually, his friend’s obvious puppy crush on his older sister was funny. He tried so hard that it was cute. But today, everything pissed him off.

His parents had decided to have a BBQ at the last moment and they told him to invite his friends over. It had been forever since they’ve seen them together. Unfortunately, the three had been free and more than happy to come over.

Staring into his plate, he wondered why he had agreed to meet up. He should have given it time. Time to think and compose himself. He didn't even have his story straight. What would he tell him? What were they going to be talking about! He was freaking out.

Blood rushed to his ears and his face started heating up.

“Yo, big guy, what’s up?” Jinjoo dug her toes on the side of his body before she plopped down next to him on a lawn chair.

“Sorry?” He looked up, and blinked.

Lilia sat on the grassy ground next to his chair and looked up at him, a piece of chicken in her hand. “Why do you look so….”

“Dead inside,” Jinjoo offered, smiling prettily afterward.

He shook his head. “I’m fine.”

Both ladies looked at him with their eyebrows raised.

“Boy trouble?” Lilia said, her tone leveled. It threw him off. He overreacted and it was projected on his face.

“What!? His friend shouted.

“What?” he asked, blushing.

“You are seeing someone!”

It wasn’t a question, but a statement. 

“I am not!” he quickly rejected. 

“No!” She shook her head. 

“That was a hella quick rejection, and your face says you’re lying,” Jinjoo smugly said.

He glared at his sister. She casually shrugged and continued on with eating her food and laughing, looking too pleased with herself.

“I did not and I do not!” His plate flipped and fell on the ground with his untouched food on it.

“You’re lying,” Lilia said, voice cold, looking hurt. She lifted her gaze from his upside down plate and fixated it on him. “I bet Bryan knows you’re dating someone.” She got up, plate in hand. 

“What?” he shouted, flustered. He got up too, sidestepping his plate.

She began walking away, with him following. “Don’t do this. I am not dating anyone, and if I was, why would I tell Bryan and not you?”

She abruptly stopped moving and turned to look at him. “You tell me.” She shrugged before she began walking away again.

There it was again. That rift he had been trying to ignore all summer.

“No. I don’t know. You’re overreacting.”

She stopped walking again. “What?” She sounded hurt, too, now.

“You’re one of my cloest friends, why would I withhold something that stupid from you?”

“You know what, this is stupid. I am overreacting.”

“Yes, you really are.” She looked offended. “Because you and Jouji and Jianyu are my friends. I have known you three since forever. If I was dating someone, I would come to you. Who have I always come to when I have love issues?” He rolled his eyes as he said “love.”

She sighed and a small flicker of a smile appeared on her face. “,” she muttered, allowing him to grab her hand. “I’m jealous and overreacting.”

He laughed, though his heart was squeezing so tightly he felt out of breath, he squeezed her fingers and said, “No one can replace you three.”

She nodded. “Bryan is great, though. I like him. I’m sorry for saying that about him.”

“I agree. I love you all four.”

“I know. And I you, too.” She lifted the hand holding the plate and put it around his neck, pulling him in for a tight hug. “I guess I just miss us being the four musketeers and spending our nights at Dan’s getting drunk on pancakes.”

“Wanna relive our highest moments?”

She grinned knowingly at him. “Ten p.m.?”

He was supposed to meet Alan at eight thirty. If he kept their “heart-to-heart” under an hour, he’ll be fine. Having plans for after would definitely inspire him to move quickly through the monologue he had been practicing on. 

Which basically came down to a few words: we can’t see each other anymore and we cannot be together. 

“Yeah. That would be great.”