Author’s Note: This story is set in an alternate universe, in an imaginary town and country, and during an ambiguous time period.

Trigger Warning: This chapter mentions and discusses sensitive topics–alluding to self-harm and poor mental health status.

Jaejoong: I tried to kill myself.

Jaejoong: Numerous times.

“Hey, are you okay?”

Jaejoong looked away from the changing scenery so quickly his neck hurt. “Sorry. What?” 

Jangmi reached over from her position next to him and tapped his left knee. “You’ve been out of it.”

Jaejoong quickly forced a smile, upticking the corners of his mouth. His heart rate quickened. “What?” He laughed nervously, looking away from her to eye the side of Jinjoo's face in the driver’s seat.

He faked a yawn and tapped his forehead against the window glass. “I’m just tired.” 

She squeezed his knee. “Tired. Huh?”

“We’ve only traveled across the world twice in two weeks. I’m jet-lagged.”

He heard the sound of her shaking her head. “No. You’ve been out of it since we were in Korea.”

He shook his head and bit his bottom lip. “No, I’m just tired.” He tried to put some pep in his tone.

She squeezed his knee, the warmth soaked into his bones, and retracted her hand and said nothing. Jaejoong closed his eyes.

He was miserable.  

Jaejoong hated feeling woeful, so he had tried everything he could to pick up his mood and not think about what he has done and his decisions. To stop thinking about Yunho and his text, he decided to finish his book and sleep on the plane and turned his phone off as they boarded the plane. That did nothing but give his brain free time to loop memories.

He hadn’t slept. And he was tired.

What the hell had he done?

———

Jaejoong was doing what he does best: overthink and stress. 

He couldn’t help himself or stop, even though he was trying to, because he wanted to enjoy spending time with his family. He wanted to be in the moment. Like right now, sitting at the dinner table in his childhood home dining room, having a large celebratory-welcome-back-home family dinner with his parents, siblings, and his father’s older sister and his two teenage cousins. His uncle-in-law had work.

As the evening progressed, it seemed like the more people there were, the more comfortable his brain felt with dissociating and looping uncomfortable memories.

His last text to Yunho kept on playing through his head. Yunho’s swift responses, which he hadn’t opened or looked at, kept on enticing him, making his locked phone burn in his back pocket and his fingers tingle with curiosity.

Regardless of the growing intensity of his desire to cave in, he refrained. He just wanted to stop thinking and be happy. But he couldn’t stop thinking and he couldn’t be happy.

“I wished I could have gone to Korea with you,” Hyein, his sixteen year old cousin said.

Jaejoong gave her a quick look and a distracted smile. She didn’t seem to notice his lukewarm reaction. She kept on jabbering. He tuned her out.

It was bad.

Jaejoong honestly felt like he was on the verge of a panic attack, and the only thing holding him together was that he was home with his family, his support system, his best friends, and far, far away from Yunho. Deleting WeChat helped. A little bit, but not enough.

He sent the text, that damned text, and knew that’s all he could say for now. He could no longer accept any more apologies. He couldn't accept the shame that filled his belly and hurt his lungs when he thought about how A.aime was Yunho and that he had found Yunho attractive. He did think Yunho was attractive. And he couldn’t. He just couldn’t. Nor could he forever Yunho.

He was tired of feeling and tired of stressing.

Being back home was also adding to his anxiety. Everything was so familiar, and it was easy to lose track of time and slip back in the past. 

He had really attempted suicide. Many times.

And that’s why they just couldn’t be friends. It wouldn’t work out. Their sordid past was too abhorrent.

He just didn’t understand why he didn’t feel secure in his resolution. He felt bad over the text he sent and how he had cut off contact. He felt like he needed to explain to Yunho why he wrote what he had and why they couldn’t attempt to be cordial with each other. In fact, he felt so guilty, he could hardly eat. And he wasn’t eating, even when the dining table was spilling with delicious, steaming dishes. Some were his favorite foods, but he’s been like this since he sent that terrible, terrible text.

This just was not him.

“Sir Kim, are you going to eat your dinner, or scowl into your plate until tomorrow.”

He looked up from his untouched plate and smiled at his softly smiling mother. “I’m going to eat.”

He could feel his sisters’ eyes on them.

“Don’t tell me you’re not eating because you sister Jangmi helped with preparing the meal,” joked his father.

Shifting awkwardly, Jaejoong let out a dry laugh with everyone around the table.

“Dad! I’m a good cook.”

With a playful smile, Jinjoo cleared loudly.

“Sister!” she cried.

“This is very good,” aunt Hearin said after she swallowed the spoonful of food in . “You ladies did a fabulous job.”

“Jiae and I did,” Jinjoo teased.

His parents, especially his mother, kept her eyes on him. He felt restless and shifty. Clearing his throat, Jaejoong reached for his glass of water and took a tiny sip. His throat was extremely dry. It felt like he was breathing through his mouth.

“The food’s good,” Jaehyun said, Jaejoong’s hungry fourteen-year-old said around a mouthful of food. Jaedjoong made a disgusted face at the teen.

“Don’t talk with food in your mouth,” aunt Hearin said to her son with a disapproving glower.

“I agree,” Jaejoong said, scowling at his cousin.

His mother reached over and touched his left knee. The warmth of her skin shocked him. “Are you okay, my love?” She said softly, only for his ears.

He quickly nodded, squirming under his mother’s soft, concerned look. 

Jaejoong knew he needed to snap out of it the moment he saw that look of maternal concern creeping into her eyes. He grabbed his spoon and started showing food in his mouth. As he chewed, he said to his mother, “I was thinking about my bio exam. The grades haven’t been put in yet, tomorrow they’ll be published, and I’m nervous.”

She cracked a smile. “I’m certain you did fabulously.” She patted his knee three times and retracted her hand. 

He nodded silently.

“Jaejoong,” Hyein started from her position on his right. He nodded. “Are you going to be working at the grocery store this summer?”

She was talking about his parents’ fresh food grocery store. That had been his first part time job, and remained until his senior year when he wanted to branch out and got hired at the same high scale retirement community as  Lilia. 

He nodded. “On days when I’m not enjoying my summer vacation.”

“Yay!” she cheered under her breath and pumped as fist with her free hand.

He frowned at her. “You’re not enjoying your shifts?”

She glared at him, spoon halfway up. “No. Duh?”

“Duh?” He said with what he hoped was a smile. He felt as if he had sneered at her.

She rolled her sturdy shoulders. “I don’t mind the money, but I would rather be with my friends.”

“You can quit,” he said slowly, hoping she didn’t sense his agitation with her.

She rolled her eyes in that petulant way that all teeneagers tend to do, and the behavior did something to Jaejoong’s inside. He suddenly felt as if his bolts had been loosened and he felt himself falling. But not in a bad way. He felt calmer. More relaxed. 

He could do this. One day at a time.

Jaejoong gave her a genuine smile. “Give me all the shifts you don’t want. I am more than happy to take them on.”

“Thanks.”

“Don’t ask to borrow money, though.”

“Stingy.”

He shrugged and smiled at her. “It’s hard out here.”

“For a pimp,” she finished under her breath, only for his ears.

He knew better, and it wasn’t even that funny, he laughed.

———

Jaejoong didn’t know what to say to his mother. There she stood in his doorway after he had invited her in when she rapped on his childhood bedroom door. She leaned against the door frame, regarding her youngest born with concerned eyes.

“What’s up?” he asked, playing with his phone’s case.

She nodded at him. “Before you lie to me, I’m going to ask a simple question. Please humor me.”

Sitting tersely in his bed, his hands stilled, he nodded. He didn’t know what else to do. His heart hammered against his ribcage and he squeezed his phone so tightly, his knuckles hurt. 

He didn’t want to lie to her. He couldn’t lie to her. She would know. She always just knows. But he didn’t want to tell her. He wasn’t ready yet. He felt his cheeks warming up, and his throat drying.

She smiled, warmth, love, and compassion exuded from her. 

Ooh, how he has missed his mother.

She walked a little bit in, leaving the door slightly ajar. “I’ve missed you. Did you have fun with your sisters and friends?”

Jaejoong frowned, but chuckled. “Me too, but mom, you’ve already asked me these questions.”

“Can't I ask again?”

“I guess not.” He shrugged. “I had a lot of fun.” He sighed a little bit, and tried to control his breathing. She gently touched the edge of his study table; from what he could see of her face, she looked pensive. 

“Was dinner not to your liking? After all that rich food in Korea?”

He laughed. “Momma, you said one question. This is two.”

She laughed too and turned to fully face him, now leaning on his table. “Those weren’t the question.”

His heart leaped into his throat. “Ooh.” He tried to loosen up.

“Jaejoong, do you feel safe?”

He blinked at her in shock.

To his deep shame, he felt his eyes wetting. He knew what she meant. She was referring to his known suicide attempt. The known attempt by his family. The attempt that led to counseling.

He had never told his family about who was bullying him. He had felt ashamed and thought he could control it and take care of it. He had lied to himself and told himself this was nothing but school boy teasing. He would be fine. But he wasn’t and his family had noticed instantly when he had begun acting differently. 

Jaejoong had started to eat less, was more easily agitated, and more withdrawn. Things he had never been until he started high school and started to interact with his peers. 

When his parents had sat him down and had a frank discussion with him, an intervention, to be honest, he lied and said he was fine. At first, they believed him, giving him grace and time to come to them himself. They left the door open.

Still, whatever happened, he still said he was fine and there was nothing he could do about it.

Him getting into fights at school, uncommon behavior for him, was just a misunderstanding for Jaejoong. Not coming home when he was supposed to, because the s would lock him in the school’s locker room for fun, or them stealing all his clothes while he was in the shower at school, acting like they were playing a practical joke, and him almost getting locked in school due to the shame of having to call his friends for help, was Jaejoong hanging out with his friends. He implored them to ignore his sisters, even when they started to get wind of him getting tortured. 

Jinjoo finding his suicide note in tenth grade sealed his fate. 

Sobbing in his mother’s arms, he came clean. He came out as gay. They hadn’t cared about that. His mother had simply said as she caressed his hair, “I love you.” And his dad’s warm, large hand had run soothing circles on his back, matching his calming breaths.

He remembered how amazing it felt to give them all of his problems. How much lighter he had felt afterwards, because he knew they would take care of him. They would make sure he was alright.

 His parents had scheduled a doctor’s appointment for him and an appointment for them with the school. Nothing could be done. Not even when they had threatened legal action against the school after Nathen landed him in the hospital with a concussion. Still, regardless of how hard they fought, nothing could be done. The record showed that Jaejoong started the fight. 

When his parents almost pulled him out of school, he told them no. His mother’s only response to his wishes was that if anything was to happen moving forward, they would involve the cops.

The damage had been done, but knowing that he had a strong support system helped him survive the last two years.

“Mom,” he said, coming back to his current reality. He smiled at his mother. “I am…I feel safe.”

She looked at him in silence for a few seconds before she nodded once, and then another time with resolution. “Alright. Good. I love you.”

He chuckled, his cheeks warming. “Me too.”

“Good night.” She said, clapping her hands together, and with one last look and smile at her son, she walked out and gently closed his door.

He flopped on his back and realized he needed to do better. He could no longer worry his parents, his family. 

———

Jaejoong enjoyed working at his parent’s store. 

It was nice to get back into an old familiar routine and the job was not that far off from his current part time job. He got to create his own schedule and he still got to go out during the evening time to hang out with his friends.

Though he knew he shouldn’t feel restless, he did when Bryan, who was also back in his hometown and hanging out with his boyfriend and childhood friends, would send him cute snaps of his day. Bryan was having way more fun than he was. But that was alright. At last he was home and could take respite in his family and try not to think about that situation. 

“Jaejoong? Kim Jaejoong!” 

Snapping his head up, he smiled automatically, closing his phone and pushing it away. And he froze when he recognized who he was looking at and who was talking to him.

It was Yunho’s mother, and behind her was none other than an ashamed looking Yunho. He was stiffly holding the hand of his eight year old baby brother. The kid was trying to yank his arm free and he succeeded due to his stony state when their eyes met. 

Yunho looked like he wanted to disappear. Exactly as Jaejoong felt.

Oh, hell no