Author’s Note: This story is set in an alternate universe, in an imaginary town and country, and during an ambiguous time period.

Jaejoong felt like he was about to combust.

He was back at Lily’s, and unlike the last time he was there, he felt none of the thrill of what was to come. He was being weighed down with nothing but dread.

He did not want to be here. He’d rather be home packing for his tomorrow morning flight. 

Not seated across from Jung Yunho who looked like a good church boy in his caramel sweater over his white collared-shirt.

Wasn’t he hot in that? Jaejoong wondered, trying to focus on how ridiculous Yunho looked so as to calm his nerves and stop the nervous shaking of his legs and the quiver in his fingers.

He really did not want to be here, Jaejoong thought again, completely dejected. He felt uncomfortable and out of place.

Still, the fact remains that he had said yes. 

Maybe he was ready for an apology now, and maybe he could learn to accept it. And maybe, after tonight, he would stop pining for a boy that never was, forgive Yunho, his bad luck, Mother Nature, and move on. And be at peace. He missed the peace he used to have.

But he did have questions, like Lani had said. Lots, as a matter of fact.

He didn't know why he had said yes, but he did know he had and he was seating across from Jung Yunho. He also knew he wanted to stop obsessing over what should have been and his anger at Jung Yunho so badly that it hurt. It hurt so much that he felt as if he was being suffocated.

He loudly gulped air and saliva.

Staring at Yunho’s fingers — fingers he had been studying for the last few minutes — Jaejoong could not help but notice how long, thin, and knobbly they were, and the nervous way he slid them up and down his water glass. A glass that has not touched his lips since the waitress sat it down in front of him on the table that separated them. 

They had been in each other’s presence for no longer than a solid five minutes, but the atmosphere was tense and thick with tension.

Why did he agree to this? He wondered for the hundredth time, going back to studying Yunho’s weird- fingers. His nails were clipped short, buffed and polished. He had nice nails, though. They were oval shaped and clean.

He gave Yunho points for his hygiene and clean and neat appearance. He had the deacon’s son look down.

“Ah...” Another false start.

Jaejoong flinched, pausing his study of Yunho’s neat nails. He dared to lift his gaze to meet Yunho’s dark eyes. 

Yunho looked away as soon their gazes met and blushed.

Haa! He has human emotions.

The brief moment their eyes met, Jaejoong held his breath at how intense and penetrating his gaze was. It felt as if he could see into him. He could see all his deeply hidden secrets. All the things he never wanted Jung Yunho of all people to know.

It really was unnerving to be seated across from Yunho, which did not help with the knots in his stomach. He felt nauseated. Jaejoong was not used to Jung Yunho being so…twitchy and uncertain. Timid even. He was behaving like an actual person. A human being and not a monster.  He was similar to the Yunho he met the last time he was Lilly’s. 

Maybe…

No! He visibly shook his head. There was no connection between Jung Yunho and A.aime. 

A.aime never was.

Jung Yunho is here, though, and he could remembered the perpetual smirk he had throughout high school as he watched his friends torture Jaejoong. If he had really been gay, he would have stood up for him, when his abuse happened all because he was gay. 

Jaejoong still expected high school Jung Yunho to come back; the one that was commanding in a quiet way, with steely dark eyes. The Jung Yunho he knew was always so damned sure of himself, always bold, always aggressive, and always confident. He was in no damned closet. Jung Yunho walked as if he owned half of the world, and knew a secret that only he was privy to. Even the way he smiled, that half lukewarm smirk of his, where the corner of his lips twitched up screamed confidence.

Jaejoong refused to trust in the version of Jung Yinho that sat across from him. He was acting. This was all a ruse.

Do not trust him or forgive him.

Still, this nervous, twitchy Yunho unsettled him further.

Yunho tried again and gave him a quick grin before he cleared his throat. It was as if…A.aime sat across from him.

The guy who shared his fear about the uncertainty of his uality with him; the guy who shared his fear about coming out to his family and his friends; the guy who shared his fear about university, and the stress his major caused, and of playing sports; the guy who told him how he sometimes fantasized about meeting him, being with him, and wanted to kiss him so badly that it hurt and left him “morose,” using that exact word.

Jaejoong wished that the guy sitting across from him was his vulnerable, caring, sweet A.aime, not the homophobic jock from his hometown, Jung Yunho. But Yunho was not A.aime. None of this was real, except for the fact that Jung Yunho was his former bully.

A.aime was not real.

Jaejoong cleared his throat and took a sip of his lemonade. 

Yunho attempted to speak again. When he opened his mouth, made eye contact with Jaejoong and still said nothing, he looked away, wet his bottom lip with his tongue and mumbled to the table, “This is awkward.”

Understatement of the century.

Jaejoong decided he would need to lead the conversation. 

One of them had to talk, they could not spend the whole night staring at the table while Yunho made multiple false attempts to start.

With intent, Jaejoong cleared his throat loudly. “You wanted to say something to me?”

Yunho jumped up in his seat, pushing his shoulders back, as if startled at the sound of Jaejoong’s voice.

Back straight, eyes set on him, fighting to not look away, he said, “Yes?” His voice was stretched thin. Again, why did everything he said sound like a question!

Jaejoong silently nodded at him. 

He began to drum on the side of his water glass, dapping the tip of his tongue on his bottom lip. He looked lost. Completely so. And he looked miserable. That made Jaejoong happy when it shouldn’t.

“And?” Jaejoong encouraged.

Leaning back, Yunhop rolled his huge shoulders, pursed his full lips together and stared over Jaejoong’s shoulder.

“Yes.” Yunho finally said, and then they both fell silent. 

Jaejoong concentrated on Yunho’s rhythmic drumming.

Tap. Yunho settled on a beginning. He met Jaejoong’s eyes and said, “I spent the past few days, since you agreed to meet with me, trying to think of a different way to apologize for everything without simply saying...sorry.” Tap. Tap. Tap! He paused, his body going still, and he looked straight into Jaejoong’s eyes. That surprised him. His heart jumped in his throat. He steeled his nerves, refusing to look away. Even though he desperately wanted to.

Jaejoong swallowed, thickly. With a stiff lip, he said, “You know what I find fulfilling and extremely hilarious? The fact that you bullied me for being gay all the while you were, are yourself questioning your uality?”

The pure irony of the situation made him chuckle. Yunho winced. Mortification washing over his symmetrical features.

The soccer player cleared his throat and dropped his eyes again. “I am sorry.”

“Means jack-.”

His face crumbled. His eyes turned soft and tender. 

Jaejoong hated how humane Jung Yunho was and how expressive he was. It all was so new and different and he was not prepared. 

Where was the perpetual cold gaze he was known for in high school?

“I know, you know?” he flattened his right palm on the table, gripping his water glass with the other.

Sometimes, I want to disappear. And sometimes, I want to be reborn.

A.aime had sent Jaejoong that during one of their heart to heart conversations. Now that he knew who A.aime was, he wondered if his dark past and his real self had anything to do with that statement.

Jaejoong was silent.

“I wish I could go back in time and change what I did—what I did not do.”

“Nathen almost killed me.”

Numerous times and ways.

“I—I should have stopped him that time.”

“Right.” Jaejoong laughed. There was nothing humorous about their situation, but Jaejoong couldn’t help himself.  Suddenly, Jaejoong felt very strong and sure of himself. He didn't need closure. This was all for Yunho’s benefit. “I don’t care. Anymore, I mean.” He sighed. “Honestly, I don’t expect anything from you. I just….This. What happened between u—. I mean, I just want to forget this. Erase it.” Holding Yunho’s gaze, Jaejoong thought he saw hurt in there. Shaking his head, he ignored it. “I just want to forget, erase, and move on. I don’t expect anything from you.” He inhaled and exhaled rapidly. “I don’t need closure or an apology.”

“I know you don’t, but I want to apologize.”

“Hah! Like I thought, this is all for you.”

He shook his head. “No! No. Jaejoong, I–”

“Don’t!” 

Yunho’s eyes widened.

“Don't say my name.”

“Aah, o...okay. I…I am sorry.” He frowned. Jaejoong didn’t care how ridiculous of a demand he had just made. “I just want to prove that I—” He stopped talking and dropped his gaze. 

“You don’t have to prove anything,” Jaejoong said through gritted teeth. He felt as if a fire was being lit within him. He was angry. Extremely angry.

Why did he think that this was a good idea again? He was always doing this to himself. 

 Yunho looked up, held his eyes, and said, “Nathen was….I was, no. What I did, what we did, it was inhumane. And I am so, so sorry.”

“Okay.” Jaejoong said, his fingers curling into right fists. 

Yunho blinked at him, tilting his head slightly. As if he was confused. “I…I just wanted to tell you that.”

“Great. Are we done?”

“No. I…Jaejoong, I–”

He said his name again. He said the sound of his name coming out of his mouth. Off his tongue. It rolled off his tongue too smoothly.

“Dude, I appreciate the apology. Can I go?”

Yunho frowned. He was no longer hiding his confusion.

“I don’t want to relieve this, you know?”

“I—” Yunho’s face became a darker shade of red.

He felt a mean streak rushing through him. He interjected by saying, “Reliving almost getting killed in high school was not what I had in mind for tonight. So, now that you’ve apologized, I think we’re done.”

“I am sorry. Truly.”

Jaejoong snorted. “Go back in time.”

“I wished.” 

“Concussions are not fun.”

“I know.”

“I wished sorrys erased videos titled ‘Gay, Sissy boy got his whooped’ from the web.” 

If Yunho had been a christmas tree, he would have just been given a new layer of bright lights. He literally started to perspire. “Jae—”

“I’m over it,” Jaejoong lied, pushing back from the table. He wouldn’t let him see his weakness. How tormented he was by his past. He would put on a strong front.

When Nathen had stealthily bumped into him in the crowded cafeteria, making his tray of food fall and almost falling to the ground, by the grace of the universe he had been able to grab the corner of a table and steadied himself, Jaejoong who was at his wit's end and was tired of constantly being pushed had seen red and lost all control. He had turned around and pushed a smirking Nathen back. Yunho, and the rest of that friend group, had stayed back—mute. They had done nothing. Yunho had done nothing, but watch with an expression of indifference, eyes cold and dark as Nathen had attacked him. He ended up in the hospital with a concussion so bad that his parents had threatened legal actions. Of course, nothing happened, because the video showed Jaejoong pushing Nathen first. And no one came to his defense. Well, his friends had, but they had been a few seconds too late.

He owed Yunho nothing. Just like he had owed his junior self nothing.

What he had gone through was horrible, and no amount of “I’m sorry” using a soft, trembling voice was ever going to wash away all the hurt and scars. 

“I...I really do not know how I can ever repent.”

“You can’t.”

“I want to.”

“Yunho, you don’t have to.”

“Jae–I…let me. Please?”

He rolled his eyes. “No. Let it go. It’s over.”

They held each other’s gaze in silence. 

Smiling, his heart thundering in his ears, Jaejoonhg shrugged. “You know what I do not understand, though? Is: how could you have been his friend knowing that he hates the LGBTQ community.”

He couldn’t help it. He needed to at least know what was up with Yunho. Was he really on the uality spectrum or was he just ing around? 

There was a long stretch of silence, in which time Jaejoong wondered if Yunho would get up and leave. Instead, he swallowed hard, his Adam apple rolling up and down at the pressure, and answered him. “You know it’s more complex than that.”

“Do I?” He asked, snorting. 

Yunho sighed, rubbed his forehead, and rolled up his sleeves over his elbows. “I know it sounds ludicrous. But I’ve known him since pre-k. We grew up together. And I just never...found the right time—” He finally took a drink of water.

“To do what? Tell him he’s trash? Correct him when he went around desecrating the SGA and LGBTQ community outreach posters posted at school? Or tell him that you belonged to the “alphabet community,” as he called it?” Jaejoong could not stop the glee he felt over seeing Yunho squirmed, his face changing colors. He loved being the one in power for once. 

Yunho silently shook his head   “All of it—I supposed.”

“Coward.” Jaejoong challenged him. 

Yunho arched an eyebrow before he exhaled laboriously and looked down. “Yeah, I was.”

“Was? Have you told him?”