Track 12: Ba't 'Di Kita Malimot

The One I Once Loved
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[ Now Playing: Masyado Pang Maaga by Ben and Ben ]


 

It's haunting. 

 

The shadows of yesterdays I filled with regret and anger walks through the walls of this house in shadows I cannot remove or even destroy, and it lives in my heart. 

 

The unsettling feeling never left even if she did. 

 

And they lived happily ever after, the end.

 

No, it's not. 

 

How can it be a happy ending when I'm alone here, hugging myself while crying, reading these books Jennie suggested to me after knowing what happened, as if it could relieve the hole in my heart? 

 

 

What does she call that again? 

 

Inlababong inlababo ka, Irene. 

 

So damn hard. 

 

So ing much. 

 

The end. 

 

In a bad way, of course. 

 

If it isn't hard enough, binigay mo pa sa akin yung apartment na bawat pader ata may memories nating dalawa. 

 

It took me months to fall in love with you and three years to love you endlessly, but you erase yourself from my life in just two days. 

 

 

Seulgi… 

 

Final na ba? 

 

Tapos na? 

 

Baka prank lang to lahat? 

 

Kasi kung prank lang to, please. 

 

Bumalik ka na dito. 

 

Go back with your things, your luggage, every painting you've given me, give me back everything, including you. 

 

Sabi mo kasi, hindi makakabuti sa akin na makakita ng kahit anong trace mo dito sa bahay. 

 

Bahay natin. 

 

It doesn't hurt less. 

 

Even hurts more, kasi kahit isang ilang araw pa lang ang nakalipas…

 

Miss na miss na kita. 

 

You took away everything, ano? 

 

Literally. 

 

Your presence still ghosts along the walls and the seats and our bedroom, your hands ghosting a touch across my skin and I feel your embrace even if it is never there—I feel like I'm dreaming, or I'm half awake most of the time. 

 

But in my dreams, you're never there. 

 

You never visit me even on nights where I desperately wish for you to come, to grace my dreams with your presence that I had never seen or felt for a week and two, if you count this week—I want to see you. 

 

But friends tell me I shouldn't. 

 

That I should stop hoping you'd open that door, take the key from my hands again and tell me that everything's alright—because God knows I'm going to take you back in a heartbeat. 

 

Maybe this is a temporary act of weakness, but I know I will. Because I find you in every artwork and in every music and every note that I desperately listen to to find clues that would lead me where you are. I still find you everywhere, and if you thought that leaving this wretched house in my care would help me with this chaos you left me with, it doesn't. 

 

Because you are here. Because you will always be here. 

 

In the four walls, the tables, the beds and every little piece of the rooms in this house we once called home, you are always here. I feel your presence but when I crave and want more, it disappears like it was never even there or it never existed. 

 

Like our love was a myth. 

 

Like it never happened, and the both of us woke up feeling different—I woke up wanting more of you, and you woke up wanting less of me. You woke up wanting to leave, even if I desperately wanted, needed and pleaded for you to stay. 

 

I wake up each day and night desperately wanting to fall back into the routine of waking up in your arms, your embrace but it was broken the moment you left—no, it was broken the day you woke up and decided that you weren't as in love with me as before. 

 

With every promise broken, I found myself loving you more despite the odds you placed against me.

 

Did you want me to prove something to you, my love? 

 

Did you want me to keep fighting for you to prove that I will never leave, no matter what? 

 

Or did you really want me to leave? 

 

Did you never intend for me to stay until we reach what we thought was forever? Did you doom this love you made me have from the beginning? 

 

Did you make me fall in love with you only to make me fall apart in your hands? 

 

Did you even love me at all—

 

A knock wakes me up from my thoughts as I pick myself up, not wanting the sudden guest to keep waiting as I didn't even bother to fix myself—

 

Wait. 

 

What if si Seulgi yun? 

 

What if bumalik na siya? 

 

Wait, no, she wouldn't knock. 

 

Wait, pero binigay niya yung susi niya sakin which means na hindi niya mabubuksan yung pinto. 

 

What if siya nga talaga yun—

 

"Irene?" 

 

Oh. 

 

No. 

 

It's not her voice. 

 

With shaking hands I open the door, revealing six girls almost pushing me away, their chattering endless as I find myself closing the door with shock and confusion probably written all over my face. 

 

"Ah…" Pag sagot ko, at natigil naman agad sila sa pag-uusap. "A-Ano ginagawa niyo dito?" 

 

"Figured I'd go alone, but Lisa contacted the others behind my back." Jennie says, rolling her eyes as Lisa smiled sheepishly at the remark. 

 

Jennie, Lisa, Wendy, Joy and Byul stood in front of me, along with a girl I recognized to be Yerim Kim fixing the thing they brought here. 

 

She's a college friend, yes, but we haven't interacted since Seulgi's arrival in my life—my heart swells and tears threaten to fall as she smiles at me. 

 

"Huwag ka mag-alala Ate Irene," Yeri says, a small smile upon her lips, holding both my hands as I could no longer hold back my tears. 

 

"We're here for you." 

 

 


 

"Rene, what do you feel about La Union?" 

 

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko habang pinaupo nila ako sa gitna ng couch with Yerim beside me, her hands fully focused on the remote and trying to find a suitable movie for us seven to watch habang si Joy naman ang nasa kabilang tabi ko, massaging my left hand. 

 

Jennie and Lisa are preparing something on the dining table, while Byul and Wendy are cooking up something in my kitchen—the question hangs in the air before I find a suitable answer for it. 

 

"Okay lang naman," I said, though I sometimes prefer to stay here and never leave. "Why, are you planning something?" 

 

"Road trip? We've not had that for ages!" nakangiting sabi ni Jennie habang napangiti na din ako, while they're trying to finish setting up for this weird girl's night na ayaw nila ako patulungin kahit konti. 

 

"Pwede naman, I don't have anything to do naman." I said, though I could feel the others sigh in disappointment about it. 

 

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Comments

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forgotme #1
Chapter 18: Grabe nman mapanakit..
Wala bang part 2 ung continuation 😁✌️
sluggiebearr
#2
Chapter 18: wtf did i just read 😭😭😭😭😭 ang sakit sakit ng puso ko sobra ano to
xantheaverielle
#3
Chapter 18: Sobrang sakit ng fic na 'to. Cried too much from reading this. So beautifully written and so painfully good. Made me realize so much. Thank you for this work, author!
Reveluvteddy #4
Chapter 18: This is really good. Hurt so good 💔
seulsbear
#5
Chapter 5: Ang ganda ng story na 'to! Nasa chapter 4 pa lang ako pero parang may ib-binge read ako ngayon😭

This story deserves more comments and reads! I'm guessing the reason why di gaanong kilala 'tong story na 'to even tho it's so good is because you didn't put a "seulrene" tag on its own sa description. I was only able to find this story through twitter :((
RVSone0105
936 streak #6
Chapter 5: Haist talaga seulrene!! Panindigan niyo rin ang kilig ko sa inyo, galawin niyo na ang barko juseyo 🥺 missed ko na kayo 😭
spagtitty #7
Chapter 18: Thank you so much for this masterpiece, author. I never knew I needed a beautifully written fic in my life. god im so glad dementia runs in my family and because of that i can read this again and again and again and experience catharsis 🧎🏻‍♀️
spagtitty #8
Chapter 14: ṣ̸̛̺̞̯̬̍̏̓̀̅̚̕e̶̘̤̪̟̭̰͑ư̵̳̱̥̙͆͐̌͋̂̈̈̅̍l̵̥̓͐̈́̓̌̃͂̅͝r̶̯͇̪͓͈̭̫̟̉͑͛̏̿̊è̶̛̙̙̭̖̦͐̀̓̐̓̓̇̀ņ̷̖͈̱͍͗́ê̵̬̗̪̫̆́̍͆͛͠f̷͈̹̜̦͍̱̉͐̉̅̈́̃̚͠l̵̫͂͗͆͌̈́̎̃̎͝ủ̶̡̡̻͈̠̤f̵̰̬͎͚͇̯̓̈́̌ͅf̵̡͓̙͕͓̞̳̞̀̍͋̚͜͜͝