Track 09: Your Secret Doors

The One I Once Loved
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[ Now Playing: Doors by Ben and Ben ]


 

You must think I'm dumb, no? 

 

You must think that I don't notice that visibly, there's something wrong with the both of us—with you, perhaps, and you must think na hindi ko napapansin iyon sa'yo. 

 

Seulgi, you're a terrible liar. 

 

A terrible pretender, even. 

 

And I hate that I make myself believe your every word, even if I know that you mean otherwise. 

 

Gusto kitang tanungin. 

 

Ako pa rin ba pahinga mo? 

 

Kasi parang hindi na eh. 

 

As I lay down beside you and feel you breathing so peacefully, I am convinced that it is no longer me. 

 

Kahit wala pa akong naiisip na reason, I know you aren't mine to keep anymore. 

 

How can I cage you to me when I know that I don't have any chance? 

 

Ang dami mong sikreto, Seulgi. 

 

I thought I'd run out of it after I tried so hard to get to know you in the past years that we've been together, pero even at this moment parang ang dami ko pa ring nahahanap na mga katanungan tungkol sa'yo na hinding hindi ko masasagot. 

 

Kailangan ko pa bang magmakaawa para lang makilala kita, mahal? 

 

Kung napapagod ka na, sabihin mo naman. 

 

Kasi ako, kahit napapagod na ako sa'yo, lumalaban pa rin ako. Without any regrets. Restlessly. Kasi I wanted to fight for you, pero bakit ganun? 

 

Why do I feel like I'm the only one fighting to achieve the forever that you promised? 

 

But nonetheless, I fight. 

 

I embrace you in the night, like always, without anything weighing me down, because it's you. 

 

Because even if it's a thousand secrets or more, I'll never get tired of getting to know it all, because it's you. 

 

I hope and pray… sana, ganun ka 'din sa akin. 

 

Mahal? 

 

You called for me earlier, and yet I could not bring it in myself to turn back and hug you, to forgive you even if you don't seek or ask for it, kahit alam ko sa sarili ko na ibibigay ko iyon kahit hindi mo pa hinihingi, no matter what. 

 

Mahal, I'm sorry. 

 

That's what I wanted you to say. 

 

Instead all I hear is the familiar rhythm of your breathing, your face so peaceful in your slumber, and once again I remind myself that nothing else matters. 

 

(Do you dream of me, my love?) 

 

Do you still think of me, like before? 

 

Do I still cross your mind effortlessly? 

 

Do you still fall in love with the smile I did not know I had until you came and made me realize that I smile like that because of you? 

 

Do you still include me in your dreams? 

 

Does your heart still beat of me? 

 

Ako pa rin ba, Seulgi? 

 

O iba na? 

 

O wala na? 

 

Kasi ikaw, ikaw pa rin ang pahinga ko. 

 

Sa bawat araw na nakikita kong nagbabago ka, ikaw pa rin ang iisang bagay na nakakapagpakalma sa akin ng ganun kadali, because ever since, you had been my calm. 

 

You make me so happy, it hurts. 

 

Kasi I'd do anything to be able to bring back the Seulgi Kang I fell in love with. 

 

No matter what. 

 

Kung pwede ko lang ibalik ang lahat, no I wouldn't wish na I didn't meet you, kasi bakit? 

 

Bakit ko hihilingin na hindi makilala ang babaeng pinakamamahal ko, kahit ngayon ang sakit-sakit mo na, Mahal? 

 

Even if I know that eventually your love would slowly cease to exist like this, it's okay, kasi I'd do anything to experience the love that made me so happy even in just a small amount of time. Even if your warmth would slowly end, even if your cold would take over and freeze me to death, I'd do what it takes to love you again kahit ganun ang kalalabasan. 

 

If it means I get to hug you like this even with that storm in your heart, I won't mind. 

 

Just for a little while longer. 

 

Open up your secrets to me, kahit konti lang. 

 

Kahit sandali lang, I'm begging. 

 

Just for a little while longer, stay. 

 

You stir in your sleep and I close my eyes, pretending that I'm not awake for hours already in this overthinking mess, and I cuddle closer, hoping that even in your sleepy state you'd hug me back like nothing is wrong—

 

You do. 

 

You turn towards me, mumbling small I love yous against my very skin, setting me on that familiar fire I thought you would never let me experience again, and once again, I am content. 

 

You are, after all, as worth it as it could be. 

 

In little moments like this where you remind me that I am still the one, I am content. 

 

Okay na to. 

 

Kaysa naman wala. 

 

Right? 

 

I should feel content. 

 

Kasi it's you. 

 

Kasi you're Seulgi Kang, my goofy classmate in Psychology, the girl who had such an obvious crush for me, the girl who's willing to do anything para magpapansin sa akin (which was effective, by the way, in such an annoyingly cute way), the girl who I'm willing to risk it all for.

 

The Seulgi Kang who became my girlfriend, making me the happiest girl in the world. 

 

The Seulgi Kang who's slowly falling out of love with me. 

 

Or baka di mo na talaga ako mahal tonight? 

 

You're that Seulgi Kang in my arms, changing through the time that I can never take back, changing through circumstances I wished to be different and good for the both of us, but the past years had been nothing but unforgiving and harsh. 

 

Mahal kita. 

 

Kahit paulit-ulit mong pinaparamdam sa akin na ayaw mo na. 

 

But on nights like this, I feel afraid because maybe in the morning I'd wake up na wala ka na. Na pagmulat ng mga mata ko wala ka na sa tabi ko, that the apartment we share would have no traces of you left in it for me to mourn, that in the morning after this night you'll leave me, finally. 

 

I fear it more than losing my life. 

 

I fear losing you more than anything

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Comments

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forgotme #1
Chapter 18: Grabe nman mapanakit..
Wala bang part 2 ung continuation 😁✌️
sluggiebearr
#2
Chapter 18: wtf did i just read 😭😭😭😭😭 ang sakit sakit ng puso ko sobra ano to
xantheaverielle
#3
Chapter 18: Sobrang sakit ng fic na 'to. Cried too much from reading this. So beautifully written and so painfully good. Made me realize so much. Thank you for this work, author!
Reveluvteddy #4
Chapter 18: This is really good. Hurt so good 💔
seulsbear
#5
Chapter 5: Ang ganda ng story na 'to! Nasa chapter 4 pa lang ako pero parang may ib-binge read ako ngayon😭

This story deserves more comments and reads! I'm guessing the reason why di gaanong kilala 'tong story na 'to even tho it's so good is because you didn't put a "seulrene" tag on its own sa description. I was only able to find this story through twitter :((
RVSone0105
963 streak #6
Chapter 5: Haist talaga seulrene!! Panindigan niyo rin ang kilig ko sa inyo, galawin niyo na ang barko juseyo 🥺 missed ko na kayo 😭
spagtitty #7
Chapter 18: Thank you so much for this masterpiece, author. I never knew I needed a beautifully written fic in my life. god im so glad dementia runs in my family and because of that i can read this again and again and again and experience catharsis 🧎🏻‍♀️
spagtitty #8
Chapter 14: ṣ̸̛̺̞̯̬̍̏̓̀̅̚̕e̶̘̤̪̟̭̰͑ư̵̳̱̥̙͆͐̌͋̂̈̈̅̍l̵̥̓͐̈́̓̌̃͂̅͝r̶̯͇̪͓͈̭̫̟̉͑͛̏̿̊è̶̛̙̙̭̖̦͐̀̓̐̓̓̇̀ņ̷̖͈̱͍͗́ê̵̬̗̪̫̆́̍͆͛͠f̷͈̹̜̦͍̱̉͐̉̅̈́̃̚͠l̵̫͂͗͆͌̈́̎̃̎͝ủ̶̡̡̻͈̠̤f̵̰̬͎͚͇̯̓̈́̌ͅf̵̡͓̙͕͓̞̳̞̀̍͋̚͜͜͝