[ Now Playing: Sa Susunod na Habang Buhay by Ben and Ben ]

A week after my warnings to you, and you delivered; I never saw that girl again, or at least you did not show her to me. 

At least.

Natatawa na lang ako sa sarili ko.

The version of me in my third year would have laughed at my present self, because of my inability to recognize what’s real and my inability to recognize that the love of my love is probably just bullting me, but I don’t even care if hundreds of me laugh at my decisions.

Instead it was a week full of hot and cold reactions from you, like you’re gauging my own reactions and what I’m feeling—like you’re trying to beat my perceptiveness and my knowledge of your every reaction and nuances. You’re trying so hard to fool me, it’s pitiful because I just know you can’t.

You’re a bad liar nga kasi.

Bakit mo pa pinipilit?

Maybe this is like one of those pranks on couple themed youtube videos we’ve watched together, ano? The one where you have a surprise for me, and you’re just trying so bad to hide it? 

Pero bakit parang third party pa yung prank na gagawin mo? 

You know how I feel about these things…

I feel like… what’s the word?

Nabubuang na ako.

I feel like one more odd behavior from you and I’d be pushed to the edge without any hesitance. I know na the right move here is to talk to you, pero bakit hindi ko magawa? Bakit parang alam kong kapag tinanong kita, magsisinungaling ka lang or feign ignorance like what you did a week ago?

I want to get answers from you about this you’re pulling with me, but I’m afraid that you’re never going to answer correctly—

Or baka natatakot ako sa katotohanan.

Kasi kahit na nililinlang mo ako, alam kong akin ka pa rin eh. Sa akin ka pa rin naman umuuwi, so maybe I can still work with this… whatever this situation we’re in?

.

Napakatoxic ko na mag-isip.

Oh gods in the heavens, won’t you offer even just a tiny bit of guidance for me?

Kahit katiting lang?

And as if the hot and cold reaction you’re having is just on freaking free trial, you’re back to that state where you don’t even care about me anymore, based on what you’re making me feel. Since you got drunk last week, you’ve been consistent in always going out of the house so early and then coming home late.

I’m getting sick of it all, Seulgi.

Not even one text to tell me where you are. Not even one second of a call, and when you get home you never initiate anything and you always look like you’re tired out of your wits. Diretso ligo, bihis, tapos matutulog ka na without even talking to me.

Guilt sears through my entire system, because this feels like it’s entirely my fault; nagpaalala lang naman ako. Bawal na pala yun?

Bawal na pala mabihag ng selos at inis? Bawal na pala magpaalala kahit na sobrang kinakain na ako ng selos?

If this is your way of telling me that you don’t like me when I’m chastising you like this, then that. 

Joke lang.

Tangina, ang rupok rupok ko naman sa’yo.

Nakakainis.

Ano ba kasi ginawa ko?

[“Are you really sure with what you’re doing, Irene?”] pagtatanong ni Sooyoung when I woke up at the start of the new week with my head already heavy with these thoughts—I knew I wouldn’t be able to deal with more emotional damage and baggage. 

So I decided to take an indefinite leave muna—and Sooyoung isn’t really appreciative since we’re really swamped with clients right now.

“Yes, Boss… May personal problems po kasi, and I don’t think I’ll be in the right mind for our clients to be able to experience the best service for them.” I said, fidgeting with my fingers as I laid the phone on the bed after turning it to speaker, hugging my knees tight.

[“...alright, I understand. Pero Irene, please know na you’ve been a colleague and a friend for two years now, so I’m here lang for you—not as a boss now, but as a friend. Thank you for informing me of this, okay?”] she says, and I feel like I’m going to cry right there but I hold back my tears—just almost.

“Yes, Boss—”

[“Just call me Sooyoung nalang, don’t worry. Plus, Choijung Psychological Center will always be open to welcome you back, okay?”]

“Thank you, Sooyoung.” 

[“You take care.”]

The phone call drops, and I spent a few minutes wondering if I indeed made the right choice—even if it was impulsive I know na may laman naman yung bank account ko na savings for us to get by, and Sooyoung promised na she’ll be able to give me a month of leave with pay before I make the big decision whether to quit for good or not kanina sa tawag—but I’m scared.

I’ve always been so scared to make the wrong choice, pero ngayon nakasalalay dito ang buhay naming dalawa ni Seulgi.

I mean… that’s why I’ve been working my off so much in the past two years, ‘di ba? Because I wanted to make her proud, and I wanted to make sure she can lean on me when she needs to do so? 

Pero bakit parang ayaw niya naman ng suporta ko?

Ipipilit ko pa ba?

12 AM and you finally arrive as I hear you unlock our door—I do my best to feign my restlessness as I grab one of the magazines upon the coffee table and flip through it, and she must have noticed that I'm there because she's moving close. 

"Bakit hindi ka pa tulog?" you ask, and I can see the tiredness in your eyes. 

"Hinihintay kita eh." I said nonchalantly, and even those two words that were supposed to be sweet—I meant it to be sweet and not anything else—drives another nail in this anger of yours that you’re always directing to me this past week, because now I can feel you snap and grumble while you’re in front of me.

“Hindi mo naman kailangang gawin iyon, Hyun. Maaga ka pa bukas, so I don’t know kung anong pumasok sa isip mo for you to stay up this late—”

“I quit,” I said, like it’s no big deal.

“Ha?” 

“M-More of an indefinite leave. Sinabi ko kay Boss Sooyoung wala ako sa optimal mental headspace ko para tumanggap ng clients, so I’d be taking a break from now—”

“What the , Hyun? Bakit parang ang padalos-dalos mo naman?” biglang sabi niya even with that valid reason of mine, and I can’t help but snap—finally.

“I just told you my reason, hindi ba? Hindi ko na kaya munang makipag-usap sa mga clients ko sa psych clinic with all the burden I’m currently carrying, so bakit nasasabi mong padalos-dalos ako?” I asked, and she brought down the bag she brought with her with such force that it hit the coffee table loudly, making me jump back in shock and move backwards from her.

“Hindi ba, pinag-usapan natin na lahat ng major decisions natin is pag-uusapan natin? What happened with that, Hyun—”

“Bakit, pinag-usapan ba natin iyang ginagawa mo sa buhay mo, Seulgi?” I ask, and I know that there is no turning back from this—she suddenly keeps silent, but I can see from her eyes that I had definitely struck a nerve with what I just said.

“You never tell me anything, and then you expect me to tell you something about my life? Eh tangina, parang magroommates nalang tayo dito eh! Yun ba gusto mo? Yung konti nalang eh parang sisingilin mo na ako ng renta para dito sa tanginang bahay mo?” 

My hands drop down the magazine I’m still currently holding as she’s still silent, still dumbfounded and still having nothing to answer my questions as I grit my teeth and stare at her, searching for the old Seulgi that would have explained herself to me, the old Seul