It felt weird being weirded out by your own actions.

She wanted to kick herself for being so sensitive about the slightest things. Jihoon has been nothing but wonderful – even after that meltdown she had last night.  The nightmare kept coming back to her, reminding her of things she’s been running from since that day when she finally realized how stupid and pathetic she’s been.   

Those dark memories – ones that she thought she could hide from forever – seemed to have found their way back to her; even more so lately.

But why?

She closed her eyes forcefully, as if the action would remove these things from her head. Instead, she heard soft footsteps from behind, and a pair of hands resting softly on her shoulders. He didn’t say anything, but gave her shoulders a squeeze,  the weight and warmth of his hands ironically making her feel comforted and sad at the same time.

When they got home from their date, she told him she’ll just stargaze out in the yard for a while. But it was all because she wanted to sort out her messy thoughts. The same thoughts that got even messier when she saw the ring that Jihoon had with him.

The breakfast surprise, the picnic – all of that, she thought everything would go away if she just focused on the good things. The important things – that she’s happy with what she has with Jihoon.

But it didn’t. There were these insecurities that started to creep in, and just the tiniest of triggers bring even more of the same. So much more that her brain couldn’t keep up with it anymore.

When she felt Jihoon’s lips softly dropping a kiss on her head, she felt guilty. All she ever wanted was to be happy and to make Jihoon happy. Why is she making up problems in her head?

“Hey…” She turned to look at him. He has changed into his house clothes, almost looking like nothing’s out of the ordinary. But the look on his face told her that he’s worried.

“Am I interrupting something?” He asked.

Shaking her head, she told him that he’s more than welcome to join her, tapping the empty space on the bench.

Jihoon plopped beside her. There was an awkward air, as she felt his eyes studying her. She felt like he knew something is up with her.

Of course he knows. He can read me like a book.

“So…” He started.

“So...”

Silence.  She can see Jihoon playing with the grass – prodding it with his toe as he waited for her to say anything.

“Is everything alright?” He finally asked when she didn’t say anything more.

“O-of course, oppa.”

Her half-assed lie clearly didn’t do enough because Jihoon was intently looking at her, one eyebrow raised.

“I mean…I don’t know..” She huffed, wringing her hands and avoiding Jihoon’s eye. “I’m having a rough couple of days..”

Jihoon’s palm rested on her knee and squeezed it.

“Is it the dream?”

His question was slow, almost weighed. And she felt scared to delve deep; scared she’ll open a pandora’s box of things she thought she successfully stored in a safe drawer inside her head.

But she nodded, not trusting herself to say anything more.

Jihoon sighed. Adjusting himself to meet her eye, he added, “Jagi, you know you don’t have to hide anything, right? You can tell me if something’s bothering you.” He paused, peeking at her. “I know you’ve been distracted and maybe a little wound up lately…but I thought it’s just that time of the month..”

She breathed through her nose, managing a small smile when he referred to her monthly cycle.

“Why are you smiling? I’m serious..” This time there was a grin on his face. “If that’s the case, is there anything you need? Hot compress? Ice cream? A hug?”

“No…it’s not that..”

“Arasso, then what is it?” His voice was gentle. He then draped his arm across her shoulder, bringing her close.

Jieun racked her brain for an answer. What is it?

Lifting her gaze to look at Jihoon, she saw those kind eyes fixed on hers. He’s not going to let this go until she tells him what’s wrong. That’s the thing when the protective Jihoon takes over. There was a tinge of worry in his eyes, and it gave her this feeling of being cared for – of being important. Yet, a part of her felt conflicted about dissecting her emotions in front of him.

How can she tell him that she saw the ring? That she’s scared that he’s going to ask her to get married? And how the hell will she ever decipher why she’s so scared of marriage? Yes, it’s a big decision career-wise, but it goes beyond that. Yet for the life of her, she couldn’t fathom the depths of this fear and guilt that’s been eating her up for quite some time.

“Yah…”

Jihoon looked more concerned, probably sensing her difficulty in putting things into words. One look at Jihoon’s kind eyes and her eyes started getting moist.

“I don’t even know how to explain it..” She said, sniffling. “I’m just scared.”

Jihoon wrapped her in his arms and her back, letting her cry it out without probing. She could feel Jihoon’s heartbeat against her body and how he would occasionally sigh.

It was her who pulled away first, braving to look into Jihoon’s face. He tried to give her a smile, but his eyes betrayed him; they were mirroring her sadness and his look told her that he’s confused.

“You’re right, it’s probably just hormones…I usually get my period around this time of the month.” She tried to brush it off, wiping the tears away with the palms of her hands.

Jihoon put his big palms on top of hers, stopping her from the activity and using his hands instead to gently dry the tears. His skin was so warm..it felt like home. And when he cupped her face, orienting her gaze on his, she had no choice but to look at those kind eyes, drinking in the look he was giving her – a look that told her that there’s no need to be scared because he’s there for her.

“Do you remember what you told me after you had that dream?” He asked, to which she nodded. There was a sad smile on his face as he continued. “You told me you were scared I’ll be gone…that I’ll leave. I don’t know why you would think that, jagi. I can’t even wrap my head around it. Did I do something wrong?”

His adam’s apple bopped up and down as he swallowed, clearly trying to put a lid on his emotions. But his eyes said it all. She was making an otherwise great day into a depressing one just because she couldn’t figure herself out.

“No….you didn’t..” She paused tugging at his arms, “Like I said before, sometimes it scares me how I love you. And how happy you make me.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, oppa..” She was able to get the words out, stifling a sob that was starting to bubble up.

“Heyy…” His strong arms enclosed her again, this time tighter, like he was telling her that he has no intention of leaving her side. “Do you remember how you kept pushing me away before we started dating? I can endure more than that, jagi.”

He pulled away, deflty wiping the moist from his eyes, and trying to put up a lively facial expression.

“Like that movie earlier…what if we were trapped in two different time periods…do you know what I’ll do?”

She shook her head, unsure of what to say, but wanting to play along.

“I’ll send you little reminders that I am thinking about you, until we meet again. Just enough to let you know that I’ve never forgotten. I’ll never leave, Jieun, I promise you that.”

She sniffed, fighting back the tears. She was trying to answer with a joke, just to lighten up the atmosphere.

“Aish, oppa, why are you so cheesy?”

A sheepish grin broke out on his face.

“Only ‘cause you get annoyed when I do…but I know that deep down, you secretly love it.”

“Ahh…there’s nothing I can hide from the eyes of the great Jung Jihoon.”

He pursed his lips in response, almost like a smile. However, the questions in his head was displayed in his eyes. But she was thankful he didn’t probe any further, probably sensing that she’s not opening up about it now.

She took his hand, leading the way back to the house. It was such a crazy day of rollercoaster emotions and she was exhausted as hell.

Later, in bed with Jihoon’s arm as her pillow, she poked his chest to get his attention.

“Hmm?” He looked down, looking sleepy.

She ran her hand over his cheek, down to his stubbly chin. She wanted to kiss him goodnight and tell him about the one thing that makes sense to her before he falls asleep, just to cancel out all the hurt that she gave him earlier. Craning her neck to reach up, she managed to land a soft kiss on his chin, whi