In true Cheongyang fashion, what’s supposed to be a small afternoon gathering extended towards the evening. Yuna and Dong-Il were more than willing to offer their house as the after party location. Jinju, the precocious little girl from two years ago was over the moon when she recognized the handsome samchon she once watched playing football with the cool auntie who was friends with her uncle.

Unlike the last time they came to this sleepy part of Korea, no one really knew who they were aside from Haneul (probably). This time around, there was a hush when they mingled with everyone – the magnitude of the news of their relationship apparently brought them to top of gossip topics, even in the little county of Cheongyang.

Within Haneul's family, Dong-Il was particularly starstruck, whispering about Jihoon actually being THE Kim Taehee’s ex, unable to wrap his head around the fact that they actually played football before. After a while, when everyone settled down to the idea that the two people they met a few years ago are still the same people (despite the truth that they are both superstars in their own right), the atmosphere became a little less awkward, and more like the homey vibe they’re used to.

Food overflowed and drinks were later served with the beef that Jihoon bought as a gift for everyone. Haneul, Dong-Il and Jihoon were drinking and talking, and a gaggle of old ladies formed a circle in one table with Youngja, reminiscing their life in the county, laughing as each of them shared an anecdote.

Just then, she heard Jihoon ask Dong-Il about Jinju, his face having that soft expression he always has whenever he talks about kids.

“Yah…Jihoon-ssi, it’s not like you’re getting any younger, you should have your own kids..” Dong-Il said passionately. “Aigoo, I can only imagine how your babies will look like. My wife and I have pretty average looks, but we have our adorable little Jinju…imagine if you two decide to have kids..yahhh..”

Jihoon shot her a small smile, but it was the look on his face that made her think. He loved the idea of having cute little babies with her. It could be great, she thought. Jihoon is the perfect father figure. She returned his smile, but there was a gnawing sensation in her stomach, that sense of guilt that comes from not being sure whether she wants the same things as him.

The two continued talking, Dong-Il giving marriage unsolicited marriage advice, which continued to make her feel uncomfortable. This prompted her to leave her seat, wanting to get some air. She told Jihoon she’ll just get a refill of her drink. Instead, she found herself wandering into the garden and out into the deserted road nearby.

Walking around some more, she saw a lonely bench, as if inviting her to keep it company. She put her drink down and took a seat. It was nice to be free from unwanted advice about how she should live her life.

The cool night air felt good against her skin. Calming and soothing. She closed her eyes, trying to even out her breathing, and get a hold of her thoughts.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

When she opened her eyes, her gaze was immediately arrested by the sky. The stars looked so bright, so numerous..so infinite. Their presence made her feel small, letting her reflect on how tiny she was in the grand scheme of things. That she’s probably worried about something that isn’t a problem.

She let out an audible sigh, feeling a little better. She took her drink and leisurely sipped through it, her eyes busy admiring, counting and naming as many constellations as she can.

Suddenly, the phone inside her pocket beeped. It was Jihoon, asking where she was, probably worried because she was just supposed to get a drink.

“I’m fine, oppa. Just getting some air.” She typed.

Alright, just let me know if you wanna go, okay?

Yes, I’m just a little tired, we can go a little bit later, it’s okay J

She stared at her phone screen, looking at the tiny circle with Jihoon’s face in it. It’s undeniable that she loves this man so much. So much, it makes her day just seeing him smile at her. It’s that simple for her – when he’s happy, she’s happy.

It occurred to her that she’s happy with Jihoon just like this. With nothing spectacular going on, nothing big, no big plans. Just being with him, and the people they hold dear. It quieted the many thoughts that seemed to plague her mind about her and Jihoon lately, with all the talk about marriage floating around. Her overthinking got worse when she read the news article about him telling a reporter that he’s looking forward to having a big family when the time comes.

She took another swig from her drink, marking Andromeda with her right hand, while her brain continues to hijack her effort to quiet it.

Now she’s thinking about how it’s unsettling to know for sure that you’ve found the person who truly makes you happy, while at the same time knowing that you aren’t on the same page. She can’t see herself bearing Jihoon’s babies anytime soon, or setting her career aside to be a wife and mother. On the other hand she knows that he wants to be a dad and a husband even without him telling her. She can’t even tell him that she knows – she knows for sure l that he’s feeling her out before openly telling her. A part of her can see that he’s scared she’ll run for the hills once he opens up about it.

Somehow, this realization compounds her worries – her mind feeding her this idea that even Jihoon isn’t sure if she’s ready to be his wife.  And that look that he has, how his entire face lights up whenever he seems her with Somi or whenever she would do something remotely domestic for him, it just shows. He wants to build a family so bad, almost like this tangible thing that suddenly pops up, blocking her vision, reminding her that Jihoon wants something that she’s not sure she wants too.

Why is it difficult for her to tell Jihoon the full gravity of her thoughts whenever he would bring up anything related to marriage?

Why is it difficult for her to feel these things and not feel guilty, when it’s (probably) perfectly reasonable?

Why does it feel like Jihoon would look at her differently if she tells him these things?

The worst part of it all is that she can’t understand her own thoughts.

She looked at her nearly empty glass and chuckled.

It’s probably the alcohol. I should slow down.

She forced her brain to go back to how happy she felt earlier. When her heart leaped at the loving look on Jihoon’s face when they made love. Or how he firmly gripped her hand, proudly showing her off to halmeoni earlier. Somehow, the overthinking eases up when she goes back to these things. She loves Jihoon and that’s the important thing.

“Jinju!?”

“Jinjuyaaa!!”

A loud female voice, followed by quick footsteps thankfully took her out of her head. Turning her head to check who it was, Jieun was greeted by the worried-looking Yuna.

“Yuna, are you okay?”

Yuna was wringing her hands and craning her neck, her eyes wandering and checking their immediate surroundings. It took a while before she responded, but still a distracted look stayed on her face.

“I’ve been looking for Jinju everywhere. I knew she didn’t want to go to bed, and when I got back from the kitchen she was gone.”

“Let me help.” She presented, giving Yuna a comforting squeeze on the shoulder before going the other direction to look for Jinju.

The street was almost deserted although it’s still 7:30pm. Jieun called out Jinju’s name, but only the echo of her voice responded. When her search seemed unfruitful, she decided to go back to the house and look around the yard one more time.

An 80s pop song filtered through the air as she walked towards the small garden leading to the house’s entrance. No one was around, save for a cat who was running towards her and out into the night.

Sighing, she her heel to look for Yuna, just in case she’s already with her daughter. Her tracks were stopped midway when she heard a soft voice coming from behind a tall row of begonias. A second voice was soon heard, identically soft, as if they didn’t want anyone else to hear what they were talking about.

Jieun took tentative steps to take a look. It was Jinju sitting cross legged on the grass with a tall, broad shouldered man, whom Jieun can identify anywhere – it’s Jihoon. She was about to burst into their tiny secret bubble, but decided not to when she heard Jinju speak.

“I don’t want to go…eomma will ask me to go to bed.” She said, her voice sounding a little whiny. She had a flashlight and a huge book on her lap. Jieun guessed that the little girl wanted to stay up reading, which is why she hid away from everyone.

“Aigoo…your mother has been looking for you all over. She’s worried.”

Jinju continued reading her book, pretending that she didn’t hear anything.

“Fine…samchon will tell you a secret if you promise to come back to the house.”

Jinju sat still for a while. Jihoon didn’t say anything more, waiting for the girl to respond. When Jinju stayed silent, he slowly got up to his feet, to go back to the house.

“Wait…” Jinju called out, tugging at his ankle.

Jihoon took his seat again, not saying anything.