Jieun

Seoul

September 6,  2019

The sound that the soles of her sneakers were making as it touched the carpeted floor was deafening. At least to her. When she woke up this morning, she didn’t have any desire to go out and visit Dr. Yoo again. But as she sipped her coffee and looked out of the window, she realized that something had changed. That somehow, she felt a little freer.

Then her gaze fell on the open journal on her desk - tear stained and filled with the words she never dared tell anyone before. Things that people only knew partially, but never in full. 

Just as she was debating on going to the clinic today for her session, she received a good morning text from Inna that didn’t fail to remind her to not give up on getting better. And so she picked up her mug, took a towel and proceeded to take a bath and get dressed for her session. 

Now, she’s right outside the familiar door. Her grip tightened around her small purse which contained her journal.

“There you are, come in.” 

Dr. Yoo’s friendly tone beckoned from behind her. He just arrived, probably from a nearby coffee shop, as the cup in his hand seemed to suggest. 

She bowed and said a weak “good afternoon”, struggling to say that she’s not really coming in.

“Aren’t you coming in?” He asked, the smile never leaving his face. There was an amused look in his eyes, probably sensing her indecision. “I’m not forcing you, Jieun. You can come in if you want, but if you don’t it’s also fine.” 

For some weird reason, her feet started leading her into the clinic and towards the couch where she found herself sitting a week before. 

“So…” Dr. Yoo said, as he rubbed his palms together. “How are you?”

What a loaded question.

How is she? She’s okay, but she’s also not. Her brain wants her to get back to work and to her old life, but her body won’t let her. She’s in a weird place and she needs help, but she can’t even tell him why. 

“It’s…weird.” She blurted out softly.

“Hmm…it’s okay. Just say whatever comes to mind.” He encouraged.

“I wrote in the journal you gave me and I somehow….feel better….but at the same time I’m not okay.” 

“In what way can you say that you’re better?” 

“I don’t know. I just feel less heavy…”

There was a lull. She felt weird saying these things to a stranger and it was good that Dr. Yoo gave her some space. 

“Okay, that’s good. I think it has something to do with writing it down. It felt good, didn’t it?” 

She nodded. 

Dr. Yoo smiled at her. 

“If you want, you can share some of the things you’ve written down. You can choose which parts you’re comfortable with.”

She gulped, feeling a little dry. Writing  down her innermost thoughts and demons is totally different from reading them aloud to another person.

“Why do I have to read it aloud?” She asked.

“You said that writing it down made you feel better, right?” When she nodded, he continued. “Here’s why. You’ve kept these things inside your heart and your head for a long time. I don’t know how long, but I’m guessing it’s been a while. These things have a way of haunting us and creeping into our lives, growing and growing until we’ve become totally overcome without us knowing. Let me hear about it and help you, Jieun.” 

There was a sincere and pleading look in his eyes that tugged at her heart. He looked so sincere, she just wanted to grab the opportunity and go for it. 

And so she did. She didn’t plan on reading the entire thing, but she did. It almost felt like the words just flowed, and she just couldn't stop. 

“I don’t know if this will help me heal, but I’d like to tell you about something beautiful I've recently lost.

I lost my bestfriend and my love. I think it was my fault because I made him feel as if I wasn’t sure about us. But the thing is, I wasn’t sure about myself. That was something that gnawed on me in recent years and it’s something that’s hard to comprehend, much more explain to someone you truly cared about.  I always feared that someday he would find out that I am too broken to understand. And recently, this fear came true. And I don’t blame him. 

Because I know that deep inside me, I’ve always felt that I was an impostor of sorts. That love, if it ever comes, it comes for a while and then it ends. It’s always been the case, and maybe us breaking up was the best thing to ever happen. I always feared that he would change his mind about me after we get married (he wanted to marry me! I knew that wouldn’t pan out) and that’s even worse than facing a break-up. 

Just as I’ve always known that my ex could be right about me. He told me there was no fixing the relationship because I’m the problem…I’ve always disappointed people in my life. And when I look back, it has always been my fault whenever we would fight, and that one fight leading to  that horrible accident….those few hours when I wasn’t sure whether he was alive or not, it would always haunt me. Even more so when he told me that he’s given up on us because I’m beyond saving. 

This time around, I’ve sabotaged another relationship..and I don’t know how to deal with it. I think I’m stuck. And after it was all over and he’s gone, I’ve realized just how much I was banking on this relationship to work. That I was hoping so hard that the happiness we’ve had together for two years is not a fluke. But somehow truth has a way of coming out…and it has. I was probably never meant to be with anyone….and that I destroy beautiful things. 

My biggest regret is that I hurt him because of this, which is always the case with me. I hurt people I love. “

Her chest heaved up and down, and tears were streaming down her cheeks when she finally finished reading the entire thing. And the tears didn’t let up for a while, so she buried her face in her hands, a little embarrassed about her meltdown in front of someone she would consider a stranger. 

She felt a soft pat on her shoulder, and a glass of water and wad of tissues were offered to her. It took a while for her to calm down, but Dr. Yoo just allowed her to sit in silence.

“I’m sorry about that..” She said, her voice a little hoarse from the crying. 

“Jieun, if there’s any place where you’re allowed to open up like this, it’s here. You’re basically paying me for this.” 

She chuckled at Dr. Yoo’s attempt to make her laugh. But it’s true. She should either take this chance or not attend the sessions at a