One day in November, she found herself smiling as she swung the door open to Dr. Yoo’s clinic.

“I’m proud of you.” Said Dr. Yoo

Jieun bowed, hiding the small smile that was forming on her lips.

She is proud of herself too. Her palms ran over the smooth surface of her journal, reminding her of the first time she brought it, scared. There were tiny creases on it, a representation of her scars - she’s allowed them to show through and she’s okay with it.

The months prior weren’t easy. She looked back to that day when Dr. Yoo asked her about her relationships and it was a revelation how she knew it all along but was so deep into the lie that she was almost blinded by it.

She can feel Dr. Yoo studied her, but she just continued wringing her hands. It was uncommon for the doctor to not ask any questions as soon as the session started. It could be small talk, or something about where they left off last time. This time, he just let her sit there feeling like a tiny specimen under a microscope.

When the minutes ticked by, the silence was almost deafening, and it got so awkward that she finally gathered the courage to look the doctor in the eye.

He didn’t speak up, but he had the usual neutral but kind look on his face.

“Your question…it’s a tough one.”

“It should be, Jieun. You can take your time.”

“No. It’s frustrating, actually. I spent the entire weekend thinking about it…but it seems like every explanation I've played out in my head is not good enough.”

She swallowed, glancing at the doctor tentatively, gauging his reaction.

“Let me hear them.”

“The easy one is that I’m scared that it’ll end badly just like my previous relationship..”

“What makes you think it will? Did Jihoon and your ex have any similarities?”

NO. Not even an ounce did they have anything alike.

“..it’s not that.”

Dr. Yoo didn’t say anything, but he smiled and slightly raised his chin in encouragement.

“Joongi…he was very vocal about things he didn’t like about me. But he was also very persistent and open about how much he loved me. It was either for him and it was tough trying to catch up to his expectations. I felt like I failed him in many ways and it was tough for me to get back on my feet when our relationship ended.”

Dr. Yoo nodded.

“Which expectations were hard?”

Jieun swallowed, thinking hard about how to answer. She looked at the clock, staring at the minute hand as if it would make the time go faster.

“It was tough to reassure him about how I am invested in our relationship. And he would ask me to tone down how I dress or how easily I befriend people I work with, especially male coworkers.”

“Did you agree with these things that he asked from you?”

“Not necessarily..no.”

He nodded again and scribbled some on his pad.

“But you did it anyway?”

“Yes, for him. I wanted to earn his….” She chewed at the insides of her right cheek, trying to find the word to use.

“Approval?” Dr. Yoo asked, to which she nodded softly. She never thought it was approval she craved - maybe not entirely. She wanted to show how much she loved Joongi by meeting him halfway.

“Well..I guess. But I was trying to meet him halfway. I didn’t like it when we fought.”

“Can I ask you something?” When she said okay, Dr. Yoo continued. “Why did you hesitate when I asked why you did those things for Joongi even when you didn’t agree with them?’

Jieun stared at the doctor. She didn’t want to answer the question because a voice at the back of her mind told her it feels wrong.

“I can see that you know, Jieun. You can tell me. Just whatever comes to mind.” Dr. Yoo encouraged, sensing her misgivings about speaking about it.

Jieun’s throat started feeling constricted and the corners of her eyes were damp as tears threatened to fall.

“Why am I so scared to say it?”

Dr. Yoo put the pen and pad down and crossed his arms, looking directly at her. He cocked his head to the side, a thoughtful expression on his face, before responding.

“Because these things have power over you..but it’s all in here..” He paused, tapping his right pointer finger on his temple, then planting his palm over his chest.”..and here.”

She looked at him, trying not to remove her gaze from his…telling herself that she can do it.

And she will try, everything be damned, if it’s going to make her better.

“I did it at first because I love him…and I still did until the moment the relationship ended. But if I am going to be honest, it was painful. It felt like going against what he wants means I love him less, and it was the same cycle even after we would make up and resolve our initial issues. Still, as tired as I was to prove my loyalty to him, I still craved his approval. It was like an addiction of sorts…and when he told me I was too far gone to be fixed, I believed it.” She sniffed, holding back her tears. “I think I still do.”

She clung to the armrests as she steadied her breathing, fighting back her tears.

It was all a blur from there. She found herself talking about the verbal and emotional abuse she’d experienced form Joongi and it was like opening a can of worms. Every word about every single memory felt like tearing off the scabs of dried-up, forgotten wounds. She bled, and Dr. Yoo just listened to everything.

When she talked about the night of the accident and the dreadful few days that followed, her sobs were uncontrollable. She didn’t even remember Dr. Yoo moved his chair closer and firmly held her hand as her shoulders shook with every sob.

“Jieun, that’s not true. The abuse that you got was not your fault.” Dr. Yoo’s voice floated into her consciousness, in the midst of the messy thoughts and the tears. “Don’t let yourself become your abuser’s scapegoat... Now, cry it out, I’ll just get you a warm cup of tea then call your friend to drive you home.”

***

May 16, 2020

“Yeorobun, thank you for staying with me through my winter. I think words aren’t enough to express how much I appreciate each and every encouraging word. I know it's my birthday, but here’s a little gift for my Uaenas.”

The Uaena fancafe went berserk when Jieun posted a demo of her song entitled Daydream, after months of silence. This came more than a month after Jieun had fully returned to filming for Broker, and on her birthday too. The audio clip had a photo of a small paw as its thumbnail, which got her fans asking if she finally got herself a dog.

Daydream

Chorus:

I pinch myself whenever you smile

The way your eyes disappear, my heart runs wild

Can it be, or is it too good to be true

As beautiful as summer

this daydream

with you.

Comments (21565362)

Nae****

I LOVE YOU JIEUN!!! I’m so happy you have new music, I missed you!! HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! <3

Cho****

Waaaah! This song makes me want to fall in love T_T but it also makes me sad knowing you went through a difficult few months with your health and all. Whatever happens, we’re here with you, through all your seasons. Saengil Chukhahaeyo, unnie!

Ore****

I want to give you a big hug! Thank you for giving us this gift on your birthday..we love you!

Yun****

Happy birthday Jieun! We missed you so much…and this song…I wonder if this song is inspired by a personal experience? If it is, I’m glad that you’ve had love that made you feel like this. Fighting, unnie!

Reply

이지은

Thank you for the overflowing love :) Let’s just say…my upcoming album is a time capsule for my future self.

Yun****

OMOOOOOOOO I know it’s your birthday but why do I feel like it’s mine T_T

I’ll be waiting for your album..and I will cheer for you when it comes out T_T

The rough recording of the song went on to have more than 5 million streams that day, and trended all over twitter and weibo. 

***

Jieun smiled and bowed as staff and fellow actors passed by her. She can’t believe it’s their last day of filming in Korea before they shoot overseas.

“Jieun-ssi!!!”

A tall, gangly woman was waving her arms enthusiastically and smiling wide at her.

Ah, the party’s already started.

She smiled back and walked faster towards Eana.

“Unnie, I didn’t think you’d come!”

Eana frowned at her, and said, “Mwo? I’m dropping everything for your birthday and send off! How long will you be shooting in New York?”

“Probably two weeks? If all goes well. I hope the weather cooperates.