Chapter 10

“Taengoo!” Sunny greeted once the bartender entered from the back door of the pub. The blonde quickly steps next to Taeyeon and wraps her arm around her shoulder. “You’re late, bud.” She said. Taeyeon’s nose scrunches upon smelling the strong scent of alcohol. She guessed that Sunny must have drinking for a while now. They both walk together inside where the people are gathering. Taeyeon immediately recognized the faces in the room.

“Unnie! Hey!” Yoona greeted upon seeing Taeyeon. There were already a few bottles of beers sitting on the table.

“Jeez, Soonkyu, control yourself.” She commented as she looked over the empty bottles. Sunny has always been quite the heavy drinker. She may have an innocent-looking face, but she has insane alcohol tolerance.

“This is a party. Loosen up!” Soonkyu replied before heading towards Yoona to give her a rather passionate kiss on the lips in which her girlfriend is happy to received. Taeyeon just looks away in disgust. Not that she minds looking at girls kissing. She just feels weird  to see her best friend do it. Suddenly, a person came from behind her and hugs her by surprise.

“Remember me?” The woman whispered to Taeyeon’s ear. She scoffs silently before reaching her hand to lightly hit the woman’s forehead. She laughs at the gesture before letting Taeyeon go. “Same old Taeyeon, hates physical interaction.” She said and took a sip of her drink.

“Same old Yuri, still touching me without my consent. That my friend is ual harassment.” Taeyeon replied. The tall-tanned woman laughs off the remark. She was used to Taeyeon’s sarcasm after knowing her since University. They were in the same class for a few semesters and had a one-night stand after getting drunk at a party. But like Taeyeon, Yuri is also the type that does not like commitment.

“Despite your sarcasm, I rather be here than being with them.” Yuri tilted her head towards a table not far from there. Taeyeon turns to the direction and sees another old friend, Sooyoung having a flirty conversation with her long-time boyfriend while Seohyun is just quietly staring at her phone. Probably waiting for any emergency calls from the hospital. She is a surgeon.

“So,” Yuri spoke. Taeyeon looks at her. “I’m bored and I’m getting tired from all the noise. Want to…sneak somewhere and…” She ran her finger from Taeyeon’s shoulder down to her chest with a mischievous smirk on her face. Taeyeon calmly stares at her. Of course, she is used to Yuri acting that way. Hyoyeon walks to the two women and slaps Yuri’s hand away from her cousin.

“Stop, that’s disgusting. Besides, Taeyeon is seeing someone.” Hyoyeon said. Yuri is taken aback at first. Taeyeon never has any committed relationship before. She wasn’t that “type” woman. But soon the shock in her face turns into a somewhat proud smile. “Who’s the girl?” She asked.

Taeyeon raised her eyebrow. “Why do you assumed it’s a woman?”

“Please, you hooked up with way more women than men. It’s obvious.” Yuri shrugged her shoulders.

“She’ll be coming tonight. I can’t wait to meet her too.” Hyoyeon felt excited.

“I’ve told you, she is just a friend. We’re not…dating.” Taeyeon clarified.

“Not yet, but soon.” Sunny joined the conversation. Her lips are red from all the make-out session she had with Yoona earlier. They only stopped since her girlfriend had to use the rest-room.

“No, we’re not…going to date. I don’t think we can. It’s complicated…I need a drink.” Taeyeon snatched the bottle from Sunny’s hand and drinks to her satisfaction. As much as she wants to admit of wanting to have a relationship with Jessica, it is not easy. With her status as an idol and Taeyeon being a mere local bartender, things will go bad if they ever try to step forward.

 Besides, she has no idea if Jessica even has feelings for her. She may just be in a confused phase when she was with Tiffany back then. She could see Taeyeon as an older sister or a close friend. However, some of the things Jessica did like kissing her on the cheek was very confusing for Taeyeon too. She does not know what type of relationship they are having; just friends or more than that.

“Oho, the mighty Kim Taeyeon has her insecurities. That’s a first.” Yuri said in amused. Whoever the woman is, it certainly amazes Yuri how she can make Taeyeon doubts about herself. Well, she does not know it wasn’t Taeyeon’s confidence that made her think so.

“Hey, who knows, things might changed between you two tonight.” Hyoyeon spoke. Sunny agrees with a nod.

“Like I said, it’s not that simple…” Taeyeon’s words were cut off short when her phone rings. The trio friends went silent when she answers the call. “Hey…oh, you’re here? Okay, I’ll be there.” She ended the short conversation and looks up only to see the three women curiously staring at her. Taeyeon clears . “She’s here. I’ll go get her. Don’t…act weird, okay?”

“Sorry, I can’t promise that.” Yuri responded, earning an annoyed look from the bartender. Hyoyeon sighs and talks. “We won’t.” She gave a reassuring smile at her cousin. Taeyeon nodded before anxiously walks away to the back door of the pub. They can see the obvious nervous footsteps from behind.

“Now, who’s the girl that made even Kim Taeyeon nervous?” Yuri whispered to herself as she sipped on the alcoholic beverage.

Taeyeon walks out through the back door and goes to the parking lot. She sees a familiar van parked not far from the building. She immediately made her way towards the black vehicle. Seulgi hops out of the driver’s seat- greeting the older women with a semi bow. Taeyeon returned the gesture. “She’s…a bit anxious.” The young manager spoke. Taeyeon raises her eyebrows in amuse. It seems she is not the only one who felt nervous tonight.

“I’ll talk to her.” Seulgi nodded and Taeyeon goes to the tinted window next to the passenger’s seat. She can see Jessica’s silhouette from the outside. She clears . “Hey, come out.” She said.

“I…I…give me a minute!” Jessica replied with a raised tone. Taeyeon can sense the anxiousness from the way she talked.

“Don’t worry, you don’t need to be nervous. They’ll love you. You are the Jessica Jung after all.” There is a momentary silence followed.

“What if…I made a bad impression? They’re your family and friends. I…don’t want to embarrass you.” Jessica finally spoke after a minute of being quiet. Taeyeon hums at the answer. She smiles softly. “You won’t. You’re an idol. But, you don’t need to be that ‘idol-self’ of yours tonight. Just be you.” She replied. She can see Jessica is shifting around on the passenger’s seat.  Finally, the brunette decided to open the door and steps out of the van; revealing herself. Taeyeon stares at her from head to toe (in an unconscious awe).

“A bit too much?” Jessica nervously let out a chuckle as she looks at her outfit.

“You’re hot…” Taeyeon whispered unconsciously under her breath. But, the idol overheard her words. It made her smile widely. Taeyeon notices she was being too straightforward. She quickly looks away to hide her redden cheeks. “Ah, come on. Let’s get inside.” She said. Jessica nods.

“I’ll pick you up later.” Seulgi said before going back to the van and drives away; leaving the two women alone. Taeyeon turns around to look at Jessica. She sees the brunette is fidgeting with the handbag’s strap in her hands. She smiles. She reaches out her hand towards Jessica. “Come on.” Jessica instantly smiles and takes her hand. They walk together towards the local pub.

They got inside. Jessica can hear the people’s voices chattering faintly from the inside with music is playing at the background. She silently swallows the dry lump in . Taeyeon looks at her. “I didn’t tell my friends…who you are. It’s not because I don’t want them to know an idol was coming tonight.” She bit her lower lip for a second. “I…I want you to have fun tonight without any pressure…” She said in a low voice. Jessica sees Taeyeon is being sincere.

“It’ll be fun.” She replied. Taeyeon smiles and nods. Both of them took a deep breath to calm their anxiousness before finally heading to the crowd waiting inside.

“Hey, she’s here.” Taeyeon announced to her friends. The people closest to them turn around at their direction. Their eyes widen in shock when they finally saw the “guest” that Taeyeon has brought tonight to the party. “Guys, this is…”

“J-J-Jessica Jung!” Yoona gasped as the others remained silent. They are still in a process of acknowledging an idol’s presence in front of them. The rest of the people in the pub overheard it and some began crowding them. Taeyeon quickly pulls Jessica to stand behind her. Jessica knows that the bartender is trying to protect her. It made her heart skipped a beat.

“O-oh, I’m such a huge fan! I love your songs! You’re my bias!” Yoona confessed, still half bewildered by her favorite idol’s appearance.

“Can we take a picture with you?” Another fan (a staff) asked. Taeyeon turns to look at Jessica. The young singer smiles while nodding; telling her she is fine with it. Taeyeon sighed before finally giving space for the small fan-meeting. The fans, including Yoona quickly fetch their phones out to take turns to pose with Jessica for a picture. Taeyeon quietly stares at them. Suddenly, she feels a hand on her shoulder. It was Hyoyeon.

“Tae, a word?” She did not wait for her cousin’s reply and pulls her towards the bar. Sunny and Yuri followed them. “Care to explain on how…you got to know with…the Jessica Jung?” She asked.

“I…um, I just helped her once. She wanted to return the favor and…brought me food sometimes to my place…”

“Hold up. Your place? You mean, an idol in her 20’s has been coming to your apartment all these times?” Hyoyeon felt more confuse than ever.

“Okay, calm down. We’ve been…seeing each other only for three months-.” “Three months!?” Hyoyeon cut off Taeyeon’s words. She quickly clears to calm herself. The fact that her cousin has been seeing a well-known singer for months now without her knowing about it is hard to take in. She knows Taeyeon is a secretive person and priortizes her privacy. But she did not expect she would kept such a huge secret from them

“Don’t tell me…that’s the woman you were talking about.” Sunny said. Taeyeon remained quiet- a sign that it is the person she had in mind when they were talking in the cafe. “Now I know what you meant by complicated.”

“Damn, I didn’t know your game was this good, Taeyeon. You hooked up with an idol…and a young blood too.” Yuri spoke.

“Okay, first of all, we are not hooking up. Second, don’t call her that. That’s weird as , Yul.” Taeyeon responded. “Look, you guys need to chill. I invited her as a friend, a guest. She came here to have a fun and relaxing time. Nothing more.”

“Tae, I’m your cousin and I don’t want to be that person but…you can’t have a relationship with an idol, especially that young!” Hyoyeon said with furrowed eyebrows. Taeyeon sighs rather heavily at the comment. But she understood what Hyoyeon meant. She looks at Jessica for a short few seconds before turning back to them.

“I know that I can’t be with her. But she needs me.” She spoke with such sincerity. The trio were taken aback at the honesty. They saw something rare; Taeyeon’s caring side. “I can’t say how we met. How…we got to be so close with each other. But I do know…she needs me now more than ever. She’s not having such a great life at the moment. I don’t care if she’s an idol. I just want to be there for her.” After about a minute of silence, Sunny finally talks.

“I’ve known you for a long time now. You don’t have the greatest life too. You have your own troubles going on. If Jessica can bring back that happiness, then I won’t oppose of you two being friends…or more than that. It won’t be easy. But we’ll be here to support you if anything happens.” The blonde looks at Hyoyeon- seeking for an approval. She sighs heavily.

“Sunny’s right. We’re happy for you.” Hyoyeon said. Yuri laughs and ruffles with Taeyeon’s hair, earning an annoyed groan from her. “As much as I want to hook up with you for old time sake, I won’t. Who knows? If even you can be committed to someone, I might do the same someday. Give me some hope that I’ll find someone right for me too.” She smiled genuinely. Taeyeon stares at them. A smile appears on her face. “Dumb- es.” She commented sarcastically. They laugh at the comment.

“Go on. Enjoy your night with her.” Hyoyeon gestured her to go to Jessica. Taeyeon smiles while nodding. She goes ahead to approaches Jessica as they stare at her from the back.

“Finish your fan-meeting?” Taeyeon asked. Jessica looks at her and chuckles. She nods her head. “Good, let’s get some drinks.” She said. She reaches out her hand again for Jessica whom gladly take it. They smile at each other before heading to the bar to get drinks for themselves.

As the night gets deeper, so does the intensity of the party. The guests are starting to get drunk and they dance to the music playing loudly through the speakers. Even Seohyun, the surgeon who has been waiting for emergency calls had left her phone behind on their table to sweat herself on the dance floor. Hyoyeon being the DJ of the party gets more excited after watching her friends (as well as her staffs) getting pumped up as each minute passes by.

Jessica and Taeyeon watch the whole scene from the upper floor of the pub. The bartender notices how Jessica is smiling silently as she looks at her friends partying. She chuckles. “Is it that interesting to see people getting drunk?” She asked amusingly.

“I’ve been training since I was a teen. I didn’t get the chance to go to parties. I guess you could say I’ve always been a good girl.” Jessica smiled at her. “What about you?”

Taeyeon hums as she thinks of the right answer for it. After a few seconds, she decides to give her response. “I…was a good girl. I studied hard and I went to Uni. I was the top of my class.”

“You were?” Jessica seemed surprised. Taeyeon raised her eyebrows- as if she is questioning the way Jessica has responded. Well, she knew it was a shocking fact. How can someone who was the top of her class became a mere bartender at her cousin’s pub? Jessica quickly calms herself down. “I mean…I didn’t know. You never told me.” Taeyeon nodded, agreeing with her words.

“I majored in Arts. I was doing sketches and paintings. I graduated with Honors. I worked as a professional Artist for a few years before I’ve decided to quit the job. So, here I am, serving drunk people behind the bar.”

Jessica stares quietly at her. Questions began lingering in her mind. It has been three months since they knew each other. Jessica has always been open about her life. She talked about the things she likes and dislikes. The things she regretted and the things she was grateful for. But Taeyeon was the apposite. She is secretive. She does not talk much other than her days working as a bartender. Although Jessica loves her stories, deep inside her heart, she wanted to get to know Taeyeon even more. “Why did you quit?” The biggest question inside her head slipped out of .

Taeyeon looks at her before smiling. Jessica immediately notices the smile is different. It was genuine. But it was a sad one. As if she showed the void inside of her heart for a short few seconds. “I just wanted to.” Taeyeon replied calmly. She takes a deep breath and pulls out a cigarette from the small, white box. She lights it up, inhaling the smoke into her lungs and puffing out the rest of it. Jessica once again caught herself staring at Taeyeon.

Her eyes go from Taeyeon’s semi-dyed hair to the small tattoos around her body parts, to her small ear bearing the many piercings down to her lobe, to her calm yet mysterious eyes, to her slightly redden cheeks, to her sharp nose afterwards her perfectly shaped jawline and finally to her lips. Jessica unconscionably her bottom lip. She wonders how Taeyeon’s lips would taste. Would it be the mix of bitter alcohol and cigarette? The thought of it made Jessica blushes. But due to the dim atmosphere, it is not obvious. She looks away for a few seconds before looking at Taeyeon again. The bartender seemed to be caught up in watching the dance floor.

“You look…hot when you’re like that.” Jessica bluntly spoke. Taeyeon heard it clearly and coughs furiously because of the cigarette’s smoke. She blinks (rather anxiously). “I…” She cannot find the right word to say. Suddenly, Jessica stands up from her seat and approaches Taeyeon who became more anxious inside.

“Come on, let’s dance.” Jessica smiles innocently before pulling Taeyeon along with her. The bartender stays quiet as they walk downstairs to the less crowded space on the dance floor. “I came here to have fun. So, let’s have fun.” Jessica whispered to Taeyeon. Her warm breath tickling Taeyeon’s ear, causing her heart to beat furiously. She clears (for the possibly 10^th time tonight.) She puts on her calm face to cover up the nervousness spreading throughout her body.

“Then let’s dance.” The song changes just after she finishes her words. Hyoyeon plays “Go Down Deh.” Taeyeon starts moving her body through the rhythm of the music. She dances ily. Jessica is surprise by the scene. She watches as Taeyeon sways her hip sensually through the beats as her hands go through her semi-long hair. She looks like she is in a trance. She is biting her lower lip. “Mm, go down deh, Whine and go down deh.” Taeyeon approaches Jessica, turning her back around and putting her hands on the brunette’s waist.

The song continues to play and Taeyeon lets herself move to the rhythm once more. She begins swaying her hip again. She can feel how close her body is to Jessica’s. She can feel the smooth skin under the fabric of her clothes. She can also senses the younger women’s slightly heavy breathing. Soon, she can feel Jessica’s hands moving naturally to hold her waist. Their faces getting closer that they can smell each others’ scents.

Taeyeon’s head is screaming to tell her to stop. That it was wrong and she should not be doing this to Jessica. But with the alcohol blurring her sanity little by little, she ignores all those feelings. She wanted to be close to Jessica. She wanted to show her sensual moves to her. She wanted to just dance without a single worry. She is driven by her feelings (and her ual instinct). It may seemed as if she wanted to take an advantage of Jessica’s innocence. But that was not it. Deep inside she knew, she has always wanted to be this physical with Jessica. No matter how much she wanted to avoid it, she has fallen deeply into a world where Jessica is the only one haunting her mind.

“I said I was a good girl. I didn’t say I was innocent.” Jessica whispered in her mother tongue. As if she has done it a thousand times, she spins Taeyeon around with ease before pulling her close. Taeyeon is taken aback by the action. But the feeling goes away almost instantly. She did not hesitates to put her arms around the taller woman’s shoulders. Jessica, in return, holds her steadily on the waist. They dance through the songs playing loudly. At that moment, they ignored their statuses as an idol and a mere bartender.

On the dance floor, they are just Kim Taeyeon and Jessica Jung; two women who are drawn to each other like a strong magnet.

**

“This is fun. Parties are fun.” Jessica said. The party ended just a while ago and most of the party-goers were drunk. The less drunk ones escorted their friends back home. Sunny, who drank the most at the party, had to carry her passed-out girlfriend on her back. Luckily, she is strong enough to do so despite her petite-size body. Hyoyeon avoided drinking all night. She helped Yuri to go back to her house. The woman did not pass out but she was too drunk to have any sense of sanity.

Jessica did not want to go home just yet. With Summer still being overseas and her manager keeping her secret from the company, she thought there would not be any problems for her to stay out for another hour. “Parties are fun but…don’t party too much.” Taeyeon responded. They are standing at the rooftop of the building; watching the night view of the city.

“Speaking from experiences?” Jessica asked. Taeyeon chuckles at the question. “I partied too much that I have back problems.” They laugh together. The atmosphere becomes quiet  after that. It is not an awkward one. It is a comfortable and calm silence. They continue to stare at the beautiful view while standing next to each other.

“I never would’ve thought I’ll be back here.” Jessica spoke. Taeyeon turns her attention to the brunette. “I don’t remember well. But I know this was the place when I almost…” She did not finishes her sentence. Taeyeon knows what she had in mind.

“Are you uncomfortable? We can always go back inside.”

“No, it’s fine.” Jessica looks at Taeyeon. “It’s not a good memory. But, it’s not a bad one either. I met you.” She smiled. Taeyeon feels her heart clenches (in a weird way). She remembers the night very clearly. Jessica almost jump to her death but she manages to persuaded her. What Jessica is unaware about how Taeyeon felt about it when it happened. When she stood there at the edge, Taeyeon saw the reflection of herself years ago. It was a past incident that she avoided wanting to talk about. But seeing Jessica tonight, being with her, Taeyeon feels she should talk about it.

“You asked me…why I quit being an Artist.” She sighs deeply and looks away. She did not want to speak about it while looking at Jessica. She is afraid she would not be able to acknowledge the sympathy that Jessica will show through her expression once she knows. She did not know why. She just despises seeing the sadness. Maybe, it is her way of coping with her own heart-breaking past.

“I love Arts. I love how I can expressed myself through an empty canvas. I can make the troubles, worries, happiness and joy come into life. Whatever I can imagine inside my mind, I can put it onto a canvas or pages of a sketch book. It made me…calm. I wasn’t good at expressing how I truly felt. I was too secretive. I was afraid to talk to others no matter how close I am with them. I thought I would burden them with my troubles. So, I draw, paint and sketch, whenever I have those feelings.” Taeyeon pressed her lips into a thin line before continuing. “I was working on a big project. I was in the middle of preparing for my first Art exhibition. I was excited. Then, one night, I got a call from my mom. She told me my dad was sick and he had collapsed at home all of the sudden. I rushed back to my hometown.”

Jessica feels the tears forming in her eyes. However, she holds it back. She did not want to interrupt Taeyeon. “Long story short, my dad passed away. I just knew while I was away, doing Art projects here and there, he was already sick. But he begged my mom not to tell me. Soon after I arrived, his heart failed and…he was gone. Losing my dad…made me lose my passion. No matter how many times I tried, I couldn’t draw or paint. The canvas remains empty. I guess it was the guilt. A part of me blamed myself for not being there for him when he needed me. So, I quit. I can no longer do something that I lose passion in. That’s my story.” Taeyeon gave a sad smile.

Jessica quickly wipe away the tears threatening to fall. She took a deep breath. She did not want to cry. There is no denying that she is absolutely heart-broken after hearing the story. But for an unknown reason, she just knew she should not shed a single tear. In the midst of it, she seems to understand that Taeyeon did not want her sympathy. She did not want her to feel pity over her past. She wanted her to only know the truth. “Those paintings at your apartment…you were the one who made it.” Taeyeon simply responded with a nod.

“I don’t think…you’ve loss your passion.” Jessica spoke. “The way I see it, you’re hurt. You blamed yourself for what had happened. You knew it wasn’t something you can control but…you can’t help but telling yourself that it was your fault. But I think your passion for Arts is still there. If it’s gone for good, you won’t even hang  your paintings on the wall for you to look at.” Those last words made Taeyeon to turn her attention to Jessica. “You miss doing the thing you love, it’s just that you’re afraid of starting over again. Taeyeon, you’re not perfect. You have your regrets. You have your guilt. That’s normal. But you can always have a fresh beginning…no matter how years have past.”

Once again, Taeyeon feels a rare emotion stirring inside of her. Without her consciousness, a single tear falls down on her face. Jessica is starlet. “T-Tae?” She called out. Taeyeon finally realizes that she is crying. “U-uh, I’m…sorry. I don’t know why…” She quickly wipes it away but the tears does not stop. She turns around to hide her face. “T-this is dumb. Why am I like this?” She continues to brushes away the tears staining her cheeks with her sleeves. Jessica stares at her before wrapping her arms around Taeyeon’s waist.

“J-Jessica…” “You’ve save you tears long enough. It’s okay…to let it out.” The brunette said. As if her heart is finally free from a rusty cage of facade, Taeyeon lets herself go. Tears stained her redden face as she cries silently in Jessica’s arms. For years, Taeyeon has put up huge walls around herself. She did not want people to see how she felt. How hurt she was. How she was actually feeling lonely and void inside. Yet, those thick walls she had built all came crumbling down because of Jessica. Maybe, she was denying it. She thought she was too ignorant to even care about her own feelings. But she cannot lie anymore. She was actually desperate to be comforted. 

The crying soon dies down and replaced with a sense of calmness. Taeyeon inhales deeply. Her eyes hurt and feels dry. Her nose is completely red. She did not remember the last time she cried. It must have been too long. Despite the embarrassment for breaking down in front of Jessica, she feels relief. She has gain a new-kind of serenity inside her. For once, she feels fine to express her emotions- to show her vulnerable side.

“T-thank you.” Taeyeon said. Jessica smiles and nods. She is about to pull herself away from the embrace but Taeyeon hold her hands. She is quite surprise by the gesture. “J-just stay...like this, please?” Jessica let out a chuckle and gets herself close to Taeyeon again, her arms embracing her tighter. They stood there; enjoying each other’s warmth and comfort.

Kim Taeyeon; a woman who never has any intention to have a committed feeling towards another human being. A woman that has never understood about “love” despite knowing the definition of it. She thought, ual pleasure is a necessity to have in life. But to fall in love and be in a relationship; going onto dates and to be loyal with only one person for an entire life were dumb ideas. She believed that “love” was nothing but a false sense of comfort that human beings created to avoid loneliness. Unlike those people, Taeyeon embraced her loneliness. She is fine to be on her own.

But those ideas are no longer idiotic to her. Those three months she has spent being around Jessica changed the way she defines her self-depict theory of “love.” To be greeted when she woke up and to get a goodnight wish before she sleeps. To joke around and laughing together. To have genuine conversations without any “” related topics. To have someone appreciating her mediocre cooking skills. To have someone showing up at her door just to share food together. To have someone who is making dumb but adorable expressions to her. To have a person who is willing to be her strength when she feels weak. To have a woman named Jessica Jung in her life has wiped away her ideas of “love is a false comfort.”

“Jessica…” Taeyeon called. Jessica responds with a hum. The bartender stays quiet, hesitating to say the words in her mind out loud. Her head is telling her to not speak of it, but heart is telling her otherwise. For once, she wanted to follow her heart and not her head.

 “I think…I’m in love with you.”

To be continued.