Chapter 7

“I’m definitely losing my mind.” Taeyeon quietly spoke as she wiped the glass. The pub had closed and all the staffs already went home…except for Taeyeon. Usually, her daily routine after a long night shift, she would go upstairs to the rooftop and smoke a few cigarettes before going home. But today, she doesn’t feel like doing so. She found herself thinking about this ‘person’ for two days straight now. Yes, Jessica Jung has been mingling inside her thoughts.

“She hasn’t chat…or calls me for two days now.” Taeyeon looked at her phone. She sighs heavily as she slouches in defeat. “What the hell is wrong with me?” She groaned in frustration. After her last encounter with the young idol, there has been no contact from her. Taeyeon sent her a ‘goodnight’ in the chat room only for it to be seen. She didn’t want to admit it, it offended her stone-cold heart.

“Sheesh, why would I care? She has her own things to do and I have my own life too!” But, why does she felt so annoyed and hurt over it? Taeyeon grunts and the glass she was wiping ended up being filled with alcohol. In just one swoop, she emptied it and hisses at the burning bitter aftertaste.

Well, it is understandable if Jessica decided not to contact her. She has a big event this weekend. She has no one to invite to the show and when she offered Taeyeon, she rejected her for some night shift. Jessica must have been heart-broken by the decline. She has every right to be sad and frustrated even. Usually, Taeyeon would completely ignore it. She does not care less about what people feel about her nor does she care if they are hurt by her.

It’s simply dumb to rely your feelings on someone else.

But, why does she feel so guilty? Taeyeon did everything she could to push away those feelings. But, nothing works. She has been thinking about Jessica too much that she cannot even properly do her job. She easily loses focus; her eyes always looking at her phone screen. It’s dumb, she knows that. She wanted to deny it so much. But, her heart overpowers her mind. She misses seeing those bubbles of messages on her phone screen and sees Jessica’s name as the sender.

“I am officially an idiot.” Taeyeon drank the third time. She glances at her phone sitting on the bar. She scoffs and lifts the bottle to pour another glass of whisky. But, her hand stops midway and her eyes shifted towards her phone once again. “Ah, it.” Taeyeon puts the bottle down and takes the phone into her hand. With a few taps, she enters Jessica’s chat room.

Taeyeon hesitated to tap the on-screen keyboard. She feels embarrass and stupid. She is acting like a clingy weirdo. She is already 33 years old! She shouldn’t act this childish, or perhaps her ego what makes her so. She misses Jessica’s presence. She misses her companionship. Her mind refuses to contact the younger woman simply because she believes it was a ‘stupid’ thing to do. But her heart keeps yelling at her, “Greet her first!”

For the first time after years, Taeyeon has herself caught in a sticky, emotional situation.

*Bubble sound*

Taeyeon almost had her phone slipped away from her hands. She looks at the screen to see there is new bubble appeared in the chat room. It was Jessica.

[Are you awake?]

That is such a stupid question. Yet, Taeyeon found herself smiling at it. How odd.

[Seriously, you asked me if I’m awake at this hour.]

[I had to make sure. I didn’t want to bother you.]

[Idiot, I work at a pub. I sleep during the day and work at night.]

[But still…isn’t it nice to have someone chatting you and asked if you’re awake?]

Taeyeon bit her lower lip. She is trying so hard not to grin reading those innocent words. Her cheeks hurt. When was the last time she ever shows her so-called shining teeth smile? Ah, she suddenly remembered Jessica seen her chat the last time. Unconsciously, the woman sulkily pouted. No one is around. But, she rarely pouts, let alone sulks. The last time she did it was when she was just a child.

[It’s not nice when you don’t wish someone goodnight back.] Taeyeon sent it. It doesn’t take long when her whole face blushes in embarrassment. What was she thinking? Sulking over a seen chat! She wants to quickly delete the chat but as if fate is playing around with her, her phone refuses to detect her taps on the screen. That’s what she gets for using the same phone for years now.

‘Is she sulking…?’ Jessica smiles so brightly at Taeyeon’s sudden childishness again. Despite wearing a mask, anyone can guess she is holding back her giggles.

[Did you miss me that much?]

Taeyeon’s whole face turns red. Jessica is young and innocent. But, she has her cheeky and mischievous side. She doesn’t really show it yet. Taeyeon’s guts just said so. [It sounds like you’re the one missing me.] She fired back a tease.

[I do. I miss you a lot.]

Taeyeon slouches on the counter with her hand gripping onto the phone. This is too weird. Why does her heart acting all weird by these teases and honesty? ‘She is a kid!’ Taeyeon thought. It’s only been two days since they didn’t talk yet Taeyeon is experiencing strange things inside her. She pours a glass of whisky and one-shot it. She wipes her lips as she replies the chat.

[Someone who claims to miss me yet disappeared for two days with no news.] Okay, now Taeyeon completely sounds like a sulking girlfriend. But, the sulking stops once she remembers what had happened. She rejected Jessica’s invitation to the show. She could’ve been upset about it. She chose not to chat and calls her because she didn’t want to hurt her own feelings. Taeyeon feels like an idiot. She sighs.

[I’m sorry about last time…]

[I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I’m just…busy with this job. It doesn’t pay much so I rarely take days off.]

There is an awkward one-minute silence. It made Taeyeon anxious. It wasn’t long until she sees the word ‘typing…’

[I was sad… But, I also understood that you have your own things to do.]

[I actually do miss you. I wondered how you are doing and if you go home safely from work.]

[But…I was too busy with practices and rehearsals for the show.]

[The last time you wished me goodnight, I couldn’t reply because I fell asleep.]

[I’ve been practicing too much so my fatigue has gotten worse. I barely have enough sleep.]

This is the young woman that has her passion for performing distinguish by the harsh reality of the music industry. Yet, it’s amazing how there is still a small fiery passion left inside of her. She works hard despite going through such a tough path.

[No worries! I’m doing fine! I’ll do my best for the show.]

[I want to always show my greatest self on stage.]

There are idols, despite their success or failures, fall into this dark hole; where they no longer care about their passions. It died out. They continued on this rough, thorny path for the sake of personal gains-whether it is money, popularity, acknowledgment and even desperation to succeed. But, Jessica is still singing because that’s what she loves the most.

[You did a great job. I’m proud of you.] Taeyeon replied.

Jessica’s eyes widen at the words but soon her eyes squint when tears started forming. How long has it been since she sees a genuine compliment. She couldn’t recall. She has been engulfed with so much negativity for years she couldn’t see much positivity left. This isn’t a compliment from a die-hard fan or a compliment from an expert. But, it’s a compliment from a person who genuinely cares about her.

“Jessica! Come on, break time’s over!” The choreographer called out. Jessica quickly wipes away her tears. She takes a deep breath in. “Coming!” She replied.

[I’m going back to practice now.]

[Next time, I won’t forget wishing you goodnight.]

[Thank you too.]

Taeyeon smiles gently at those words. [Good luck.]

She puts her phone down before letting out a sigh. Her burdened heart these past two days is now freed. She felt the suffocation of guilt finally stops. She rolled up her sleeves to continue wiping the remaining glasses until she feels a vibration on the counter-top. There is another chat from Jessica. But this time, it wasn’t just words. Taeyeon taps the screen in a rather slow pace; revealing the chat Jessica sent.

[Go home safely and goodnight <3]

Dup...dup…dup…dup.

Taeyeon immediately slaps herself. “Ouch.” She hisses at the stinging pain on her cheek. What exactly was that just now? Her heart is acting up again. She gulps nervously and looks at the picture again. She can feel her cheeks getting warmer. Is she blushing over a kid 9 years younger than her?

Kim Taeyeon, 33 years old, she never has much interest in people. She embraces loneliness. But, that doesn’t mean she never hooks up with anyone. She has a fair share of ual experiences with both men and women all her adult life. But, she much prefers to do ‘it’ with the same gender. During those times she spent with her one-night stands, she never once has heart beating fast for any of them.

It was always empty and lonely. It was nothing. No matter how many pictures those men and women sent to her; whether they were having with other people or even pictures of them ing. Taeyeon never blushes. Her heart doesn’t race even a little. She thought, “How desperate can they be?”

So, how can this innocent ‘selfie’ makes her feel all fuzzy and warm? “Ah!” She puts her phone down and wipes the remaining glasses. It’s getting late. She wants to go home and just shut her eyes. Maybe then her idiot self would stop thinking about Jessica.

[Goodnight, beautiful.]

It is Saturday afternoon. Surprisingly, Taeyeon is not confined in her studio apartment as usual. In fact, she is outside; walking amongst the crowd. “Ugh, why is so crowded?” She whispered behind her mask. Despite working a job where she is constantly surrounded with customers, Taeyeon dislikes the idea of being in a crowded place. It is cold outside. She can barely walk without being bump a few times. It annoys the hell out of her.

But, she has to go out. As much as she loves the comfort of her bed, Taeyeon could not help but forcing herself to go outside. It was last Thursday when Jessica sent her a selfie. Taeyeon would usually delete unnecessary pictures from her phone almost immediately. The only face she has in her phone’s album is mainly her parents, a few close family members and close friends. But, this is a different case for the woman named Jessica Jung.

Taeyeon thought she is out of her mind. Without realizing it, she has been staring at Jessica’s picture every time she looks at her phone. The craziest thing is…she even wanted to make it as her wallpaper. She violently shook her head; pushing away the stupid idea. They have no relationship to begin with. Jessica is a friend she just knew not long ago. They have such a huge age-gap that Taeyeon feels she is befriending a kid.

So, every new thing she is currently experiencing is strange. Sometimes, she questioned herself was she that lonely? No, she has been on her own for as long as she can remember. She is not interested in people. She is fine by herself. Well, that is until Jessica shows up and made her so confuse.

“Finally…” Taeyeon seated herself. She managed to arrive at a café after mindlessly walking around. She heard footsteps going towards her way and she looks up to see a familiar face.

“Hey there, unnie!” A woman greeted her cheerfully.

Taeyeon has a disgusted look on her face. “Stop trying to fool people. We are the same age, Soonkyu!”

“Hey, hey, I told you not to call me with my real name!” The blonde woman scolded her. “Here, you can only me Sunny!” She whispered in warning tone. She cannot let her customers overheard her. Not when Soonkyu or Sunny has a reputation to uphold.

“I rather go to a different café than seeing your face but I’m only comfortable having my coffee here.” Taeyeon leaned her back on the soft chair. “Are you free?” She asked.

Sunny stared at her for a good few seconds. “Oh, it must be something you need consulting on. Is it perhaps you’ve fallen in love-.”

“HUSH!” Taeyeon stood up to shut before she spills more embarrassing words. The customers confusingly look at her. She notices she may have raised her voice so she quickly sits down. “Just…bring me a cup of coffee and sit here.”

“Alright, alright, calm down.” Sunny then walks away to fetch themselves coffees.

Lee Soonkyu, or known as Sunny around the area; she is a long time friend of Taeyeon and Hyoyeon. They used to be schoolmates in high school. Unlike Hyoyeon, both Taeyeon and Sunny went to the same university but they took different courses. The two of them were close. They even dated each other briefly. But, the relationship never works mainly because they have the same perspective about one another; we are better as friends.

“I don’t understand why I even dated you.” Taeyeon sighed.

“I mean, you were into at the time and you saw me as a-.”

“Okay, shut up. Has anything that comes out of your mouth is appropriate?” Taeyeon sunk back into her seat. “So, how’s your new mate?”

“Now, that’s just rude. I may call Yoona a ‘puppy’ but she is my girlfriend, not a ‘mate.’” Sunny puts down the cup after taking a few sips. “We’re doing well. We moved in together recently and we have almost every night.”

“You could leave the last detail behind.” Taeyeon felt her head aches every time she talks with this woman. Sunny is direct and honest. But, she only shows that ‘honest’ side of her to those whom she is close to. To outsiders, she is cute, innocent and bubbly. Taeyeon sees her as an annoying friend that embarrasses her with her random antics.

“You don’t go out. You hate the outdoors and people in general. I’m guessing you are willing to go through the crowd today to meet me for a reason.” Sunny stared at her. Taeyeon heavily sighs. Despite her annoyingly honest attitude, Sunny is very good at reading people’s minds including the stone-face Kim Taeyeon.

“How much is your age-gap with Yoona?”

Sunny curiously raised her eyebrow. “I think it’s about…six years?”

“Why exactly did you fallen in love with her?”

“What’s this? Some kind of an interrogation…?”

“Just answer my question.” Taeyeon replied. Sunny chuckles at the seriousness shown in her eyes. Her gut is telling her that this ‘lone wolf’ is facing a rare problem she cannot solve and it includes her emotions.

“The typical answer for that question is she is beautiful, friendly and she is full of energy. She’s a bit of prankster and she is funny too. She has a good sense of humor.” Sunny said truthfully. “She is younger than me so her stamina is quite insane. I can hardly handle her on bed-.”

“I am going to leave if you talk about erted stuffs again.” Taeyeon gritted her teeth in frustration. Sunny laughs at the sight of her angry expression. It’s always fun to tease someone as serious as Kim Taeyeon.

“Okay, jokes aside. I’m curious on why you’re suddenly asking questions about my love life.” Sunny leans forward with a grin etched on her lips. “I don’t think it’s because you want to claim me back.”

“Tch, certainly not…” Taeyeon’s eyes shifted to the view outside the glass window. “I always questioned how you can be in love with someone so much younger than you. Six years is not a small gap. She is a ‘kid’ for our age.”

Sunny’s grin turns to a genuine smile. “Yoona is special in my eyes. We may have our differences and she is still young. She is…adventenrous and naïve. She is still clumsy and she sometimes makes the dumbest mistakes. But, I love her regardless. I never cared if we have a huge age-gap.”

Taeyeon looks at Sunny. She can see the genuine feelings behind those eyes of hers. She picks up the cup and takes a few sips of the warm coffee. “I hate this confusion.” She whispered under her breath. It was loud enough for Sunny to hear her.

“Oh-ho, has Kim Taeyeon found herself fallen for someone much, much younger? It’s not a high-scholar, is it? Or else you’re a e.”

“O-of course it’s not, jeez!” Taeyeon embarrassingly replied. “And I never said I fallen in love with her!”

“Oh, not only young but she is also a woman. Ho, ho, I’m interested to hear this.” Sunny wiggled her eyebrows playfully. Taeyeon can feel her embarrassment caused her cheeks to blush. She crosses her arms as she leans back on the chair again.

“There’s just no way for me to be in love.”

“Is it the age-gap you’re concern about?” Sunny paused before continuing. “Or you never felt this way before?” Taeyeon looks at the woman sitting in front of her. Her eyes show guilt. It made Sunny smiled. “If you think I’d be offended by your answer because we used to date before, no, I won’t get hurt by it. I knew we were only playmates rather than girlfriends.”

“I’m sorry.” Taeyeon let a long sigh. “You’re right. I’m confused right now. Ever since she came into my life, I’m acting strange.”

Sunny chuckles at the honest statement. “I’m all ears.”

***

It is 8 o’clock at night. Taeyeon walks into the pub. Most of the staffs haven’t even arrived yet. She puts her belongings in the locker before going out of the room. She looks around the place. It’s quiet. “Maybe I got here too early.” She then made her way to the bar to pour herself a drink. It’s a rare occasion for her to come in this early. There is still time before the pub is open.

She walks to one of the tables and sets a chair down for her to sit. Since there is no one but her in the room, she didn’t mind to take out a cigarette out to smoke. There is nothing but silence. She can only hear the sound of the ice hitting the glass every time she picks it up. The quietness made her remember about the talk she had with Sunny.

“You rarely express yourself. Sometimes, I even thought you really do have no feelings.” Sunny sips her coffee. It’s still warm but a bit on the cold side now.

“You are caring and you sympathies people. But, you’re also the type of person that avoids having to deal with people. You hated unfamiliarity. You’re too comfortable now that you believe if you ever let strangers come into your life, it would change and you’ll hate it.”

“You never love me to begin with. We dated because you were curious and I was someone you were familiar with. But, I’m not hurt over it. I had my share of fun with you.”

Sunny puts down her coffee before leaning forward with a smile. “But, hearing your stories, I want to meet this young lady. What you felt for her right now is something you are unfamiliar with. It’s called first love, my friend.”

“There’s no way that…will ever happen.” Taeyeon slouched in defeat. ‘First love’ sounds ridiculous to her. It only exists in movies or novels. Love to her is simply something that she could never, ever experience in her lifetime. It wasn’t because she didn’t have anyone who’s interested in her. But, she is the one that ‘detaches’ herself from people.

Taeyeon shut her eyes. How can she be in love with someone like Jessica Jung? She is too young and she is clumsy too. She is a bad liar; terrible at hiding her emotions. But, she is indeed beautiful. She has this elegant smile yet a cute laugh. Whenever she eats good food, she would do this little dance. It looks ridiculous and dumb even. But, Taeyeon thought it was quite adorable.

The night she saw her on that rooftop, it ached her heart to see those tears staining her face. They are the same after all. Taeyeon understood what Jessica meant. The passion you have that slowly dies out. Maybe that was because she felt connection that she needs to be by Jessica’s side no matter what.

“I just don’t know…what’s happening to me.” Taeyeon whispered. Suddenly, she heard the backdoor opens. She turns around to see Hyoyeon walking in.

“Wow, you’re early today. That…never happen before.” Hyoyeon said once she saw Taeyeon sitting all alone. Her cousin never comes to work on time. She would often be in the pub when all staffs have done preparing everything.

“I figured I came early today.” Taeyeon replied as she drank what’s left of her drink.

“Okay then…” Hyoyeon felt it was weird. She senses something is troubling Taeyeon’s mind. But, knowing how Taeyeon would just avoid her questions with her sarcasm, she decided to just let it be.

“Hey, Hyo…” Taeyeon called out. Hyoyeon only replies with a ‘hum’ to say she heard her. “Do you think I should take the day off tomorrow?” Upon hearing that question, Hyoyeon approaches Taeyeon immediately and looks at her with a shocked face.

“You want to take a day off? Really…?”

“Why are you acting like that?”

“Do you know how long I’ve wanted to hear those words?” Hyoyeon swears she could just kneel at that moment and praises the Lord.

“For God’s sake, it’s not that bad.”

“You’re literally a workaholic! If it wasn’t for my decision to close the pub during Christmas holidays, you would’ve gone to work…during a celebration!”

“Jeez, calm down.” Taeyeon clears . “Anyways, I’m going to take the day off tomorrow.”

Hyoyeon smiles so brightly that it’s blinding her cousin’s eyes. She gives a happy yet painful slap on the back causing Taeyeon to shot up from her seat. “I don’t even need to hear you reason. I’m just happy you’re taking a break.” She pats Taeyeon on the shoulder and happily walks away.

Taeyeon sighs. “What am I doing?”

***

Taeyeon let herself fall onto the comfort of her bed. She is exhausted from serving the customers today at the pub. Well, it is during the weekends. There are usually more customers coming in than usual. She lazily sits on the edge of her bed and strips herself except for her undergarments. She proceeds to laid back down; letting the cold air cools her sweaty body.

Her eyes shifted to the clock on her nightstand. It is 5.27 a.m. She wonders if Jessica is still awake. She might be sleeping. She does need all the energy she can get for the showcase. Taeyeon shut her eyes for a short few minutes before finally fishing out her phone from inside her purse. The screen lights up at the tap of her finger.

As she nervously her dry lips, she opens the chat room and types a message. [Are you awake?] Taeyeon isn’t really expecting for a reply. But deep down, she is hoping she does get one. Her shut eyelids snap open in an instant when she hears a ‘pop’ sound.

[I am. I’m actually in the middle of a rehearsal.]

[The staffs are setting up the stage. I’m waiting to be call.]

[Did you go home safely?]

[I did.]

[Feeling nervous for the showcase?]

[I am! *crying sticker*]

[I’m scared of messing up on stage today.]

[I felt like I haven’t practice enough.]

[You’ll do well. I believe in you.]

[Just imagine your fans as potatoes.]

[You’ll feel less nervous.]

[What kind of an advice is that?]

[I rather not imagine my fans as vegetables.]

Taeyeon chuckles at Jessica’s reaction to her little tease.

[Whatever it is, I know you’ll do your best.]

[You have to.]

[I’ll be watching.]

There is about a minute of silence. Jessica then replies to her last chat.

[Ah, I think they’ll air it on TV.]

Jessica is still in the middle of typing her next message but Taeyeon beats her to it.

[No, I’m watching it live.]

[I’m coming to the showcase.]

This time, the silence extends to five minutes. Taeyeon sees Jessica is typing but it disappears soon after. Another few minutes pass by, now the bartender is feeling a bit uneasy. She is about to type her next message but stops when a new chat comes in.

[Sorry, I was too shock.]

[You’re actually coming?]

[Yes.]

[I took a day off and I’m going to the showcase.]

[You better be extra ready then.]

[Amaze me, Jessica Jung.]

Jessica feels a huge smile spreading across her lips upon the good news. She wants to jump up and down. She wants to just dance in joy. Her heart is pumping excitedly. Her cheeks hurt from being too happy.

“Jessica, it’s your turn!” A staff called out.

“A-ah, I’ll be right there!” Jessica quickly types a reply to Taeyeon. She puts her phone in her bag before running to the center of the stage.

[Brace yourself, Kim Taeyeon. You’ll be blown away.]

Taeyeon scoffs amusingly at how confident the young singer is. She gets up from the bed to take a shower. She can’t just go to sleep just yet. She needs to pick out an outfit for tomorrow’s occasion. How long has it been since she decided to go out on an invitation from someone? She can hardly remember. But, all she knows was it has been too long.

“Let’s do a few rounds for the song, okay?” Jessica said to the staff.

“A-are you sure? You might get too tired.”

The brunette shook her head and gives a reassuring smile. “I need to work extra hard. Someone special is coming to watch my performance today.” She excitedly holds her mic in her hand. The staff simply nods before walking away to let Jessica rehearse her solo performance. She is too excited at the thought of Taeyeon coming to the show case that she is completely un-aware of the piercing glare from the other side of the stage.

“I hate it how you’re still smiling like that after everything I did to you.” Summer clenched her fist. “I’ll make you so miserable that you have no choice but to step down from being an idol.” She lets out a frustrated breath before walking to the backstage.

Song Summer; she hates how Jessica is still shining so brightly on stage despite everything she had done to her. It makes her sick and angry at the sight of her excited, joyful and radiant smile. The hatred she has towards her group member is intensely boiling. How Jessica Jung could is still standing on stage after all she had been through?

It’s repulsive and annoying.

To be continue.

Hello, this is Reowesome. First of all, I apologized for such a late update. I know it looks like I forgotten this story but I don't, I promise. I've been busy with work. I also have to finish another Taengsic fiction. I hope the readers can understand for the delay updates. Anyways, I hope you guys enjoy the latest chapter. Feel free to comment down below :) Thank you so much for the subs and votes. Appreciate it.