Chapter 17

It is morning. Taeyeon wakes up earlier than usual. She gets up with a grunt. Her eyes squinting from the bright light shining through the curtains. A heavy sigh escapes through her lips after she finishes doing a few stretches. Her body is sore from sleeping on the couch. She never realizes how uncomfortable the couch is. Well, all these years, she would only fall asleep on it whenever she is drunk or too tired to even go inside her bedroom.

Taeyeon slides the door open and steps out onto the balcony. The morning-breeze welcoming her. She takes out a cigarette and lights it up, leaning her upper body on the rail. Ever since Yewon’s arrival last night, Taeyeon had quite a few ‘interesting’ remarks from her. Normally, she would have talked back to a person saying such words to her. But seeing Jessica next to her, she can only hold back her usual-self and tries to be nice.

Taeyeon knows that Jessica was more worried than her when they heard she was coming to visit. She wanted things to go well between them. Although, Yewon will definitely make it hard for Taeyeon. She sighs again; the smoke seeping through her lips. She takes a look at the half cigarette on her hand. Maybe, she should buy those vapes instead. At least, it would smell nice, she thought.

“You must be really confident to stand outside with such clothes.” A voice spoke from behind. Taeyeon flinched by the suddenness and she turns around to see Yewon standing there with her arms crossed. Despite the early morning, she has her hair properly tied into a ponytail instead of being disheveled. “You do have a good body. But wearing only a sports-bra and short-pants while standing outside where students can see you is not appropriate. Minus point.” There she goes again with her ‘minus’ remark. Not even a greet was said.

Taeyeon tries not to roll her eyes. She simply shrugs it off and decides to respond with a greet. “Good morning, Yewon.” She smiled. She could see the corner of Yewon’s lips twitches. She must have not expected Taeyeon to merely ignored her words. “You want me to make you some coffee?” Taeyeon asked.

“No need.” Yewon replied rather hastily. “I’ll do it myself.” She leaves to the kitchen. Taeyeon chuckles at the attitude. She does need to take much time to understand what kind of person Yewon is. She straightforwardly speaks her opinions. It is called a brutal honesty. But once her words are simply brush off by the other, she will left the scene and pretends she did not say anything.

After washing her face and brushing her teeth, Taeyeon heads to the kitchen to cook breakfast. While Jessica was not around, she barely buy food to stock-up her fridge. Now she is here again, Taeyeon found herself filling-up the rooms in the fridge with way more food that she had initially planned. She takes out a few things out onto the kitchen’s counter and started cooking.

When she was in the bathroom, she heard the door opened and Yewon was already gone when she went into the living room. She must have went for a walk, Taeyeon thought. Yewon does look like that type of person who would do that.

**

Taeyeon finished cooking breakfast. It took longer that it normally does since she had to served 3 people including herself. After taking a sip of coffee to cleanse her palette, she goes to the bedroom to see if Jessica’s awake. As expected, the singer is still sleeping soundly under the blanket. If it is not for the chest moving, people would have thought she is death since she is so still. Taeyeon smiles as she watches Jessica is peacefully sleeping.

For all those times Taeyeon have met with Jessica, there are occasions when she will see dark eye-bags under her eyes. She would look pale and tired. But despite her unhealthy condition, she still tries to put a smile on her face. Jessica did not realized it made Taeyeon sad seeing her in that way. Of course, Taeyeon does not say much about it either. Though, she tries concealing her worries by giving Jessica her time of the day.

As much as Taeyeon wanted to let Jessica have her beauty rest, she needs to take some medicines before 9 o’clock. So, she goes to the other side of the bed, carefully sitting down on the mattress. She looks at Jessica; her hand naturally moving the strains of hair covering her face. “Hey, wake up. You need to take your medicine. Doctor’s orders.” She spoke out loud enough to awaken someone.

But Jessica remains silent. Taeyeon knows it would not be easy to wake this woman up. She is such a deep-sleeper that she is deaf from all the sound around her. Taeyeon lays her hand on Jessica’s arm and shakes her body gently. “Jessica, wake up.” She said. Jessica is still laying motionlessly.

Taeyeon pulls back her hand. She tries to think of a way to wake her up. “Ah.” She leans down and whispers. “If you don’t wake up, I’ll kiss you.” She playfully teased. She figures Jessica must be half-awake but refusing to open her eyes. Teasing her would definitely wake her up. Well, that is a stupid idea, I might say myself.

Jessica did not wake up. Instead, Taeyeon falls in her own trap. She realizes how close their faces are that she can strongly smell her shampoo on Jessica’s hair. She lower eyes down on Jessica’s slightly parted lips. Taeyeon gulps. As if her mind is playing a prank on her, she suddenly thought of the time when Jessica kissed her cheek. She vividly remembers how soft her lips were.

Taeyeon cannot deny that she is having such a hard-time trying not to step out of the line of being ‘just-friends’ when it comes to Jessica. She imagined how it would be if they are together as lovers. Taeyeon is too love struck that she even see herself as being a complete odd. She knew that embracing Jessica back into her life made her suffer quietly. She cannot love her the way she wants nor she can have Jessica love her the way she wants.

Yet, Taeyeon stays anyways. Even if she has to stay in this friendship zone, she wants to be on Jessica’ side until one day…she is no longer needed.

Suddenly, Jessica wakes up. She is surprise that the first person she sees is a wide-eyes Taeyeon leaning so close to her after opening her eyes. They look at each other; both tensed-up by their position. “I-I…” Taeyeon tries to explain but her mind is completely blank. Instead, she attempts to leave. Surprisingly, Jessica holds onto her arm to make her stay. Taeyeon looks at her. Although the room is dim, she could see how dilated Jessica’s pupils are.

“Uh…” Taeyeon is starting to feel anxious. “Stay.” Jessica whispered. Her hoarse voice made Taeyeon’s heartbeat to quicken. She can feel how Jessica is holding onto her arm firmly so she cannot leave.

Wait, wait. What is going on here?

“Tae.” Jessica called out in a low voice. Taeyeon gulps as her eyes blink fast. The room’s quiet and dim atmosphere made it more nerve-wrecking. She unconsciously holds her breath when Jessica is slowly leaning forward. Taeyeon can feel how intense the feeling inside her chest. It is the same as when she was dancing with Jessica at the party. She is losing her sanity.

Their faces are so close that Taeyeon can feel Jessica’s breath on her lips. Wait. Is she being delusional? Is she dreaming? What is happening here? Taeyeon quickly holds Jessica on the shoulder to stop her from leaning any closer. She can see it in her eyes; that she is blindly following her desire. As much as Taeyeon wants this too, she cannot let it happen. Jessica could regret about this.

“We can’t.” Taeyeon can only said that and quickly stands up. “B-Breakfast is ready.” She took a short glance at Jessica before leaving the room. The young singer lays her head down as her hand is place on her chest. Of course, how can they simply do such a thing after what had happened between them.

Taeyeon heads to the living room. She flinches for the second time that morning when she sees Yewon sitting on the couch. They look at each other in silence. Taeyeon clears as she passes by her to the kitchen. Yewon’s eyes follow her, as her finger tapping on her arm.

**

Taeyeon sips on her coffee silently. Jessica is quietly chewing on her food too. Yewon keeps glancing back and forth between them. She puts down her tea on the table. “I thought you two are close.” She spoke. The two older women look at her and turn away. They have not talk to each other ever since they sat down for breakfast. Well, how can they have a conversation after what had happened in the bedroom earlier?

“Uh…Taeyeon doesn’t talk much in the morning.” Jessica lied with a forced smile. “This is her place. We shouldn’t bother her about it.” She added. Taeyeon can only listen while staring down at her coffee.

Yewon nods. “It’s a good thing I’m here. You won’t feel lonely.” She tucked Jessica’s hair behind her ear with a gentle smile. Taeyeon to lifts her head up to look at them. She tries not to feel annoyed by the ‘physical’ interaction between the two. Well, ‘jealous’ would be better suit her feeling right now. When she notices Yewon is glancing at her, she feels irritated. This woman is purposely acting sweet with Jessica in front of her.

“Oh, you have…Here, let me help.” Yewon placed her thumb on the corner of Jessica’s lips to wiped away the crumbs. After pulling her hand away, she puts her thumb into as she maintain eye-contact with Jessica. “It tastes good.”

Taeyeon, on the other side, is close to throwing the mug at Yewon’s head. This woman really dares to test her patience. Meanwhile, Jessica remains clueless by the silent competition between the two of them. “Don’t do that. It’s unhygienic.” She whined.

“I don’t mind if it’s you. I’ll  anything from you.” Yewon flirtatiously responded.

Taeyeon puts her coffee down quite harshly. The clunking sound made Jessica to look at her. Yewon keeps eating as if she has done nothing to make Taeyeon pisses off. “I’m heading out.” Taeyeon stood up. “Eat your medicines.” She pointed at the small-container on the kitchen’s counter and walks away. She does not even bother to wear her jacket when she is out of the apartment.

**

“Why are you here?” Sunny felt annoyed seeing Taeyeon sitting at the table. She was in the middle of opening of the shop when her best friend suddenly showed up, wearing only an oversized t-shirt with a pair of short-pants. Usually, she would welcome Taeyeon. But since she is still hungover from last night’s drinking, she feels slightly irritated to have a customer such early in the morning.

“Shut up.” Taeyeon sighs heavily as she leans her back on the chair. Sunny roll her eyes. She guesses that Taeyeon has come here because she felt pissed off at someone. As usual, she would leave instead of staying to face whoever that person is.

The door opens. They turn around to see it is Yuri with a basket full of fresh-baked breads in her hands. It is normal to see Sunny there but not Taeyeon. “Midget? You’re here early.” She said. Oh, why does it have to be Yuri? Taeyeon pinches her nose-bridge because of the morning’s stress.

After putting the breads away, Sunny made coffees for her friends and they seated together at the table. They listened to Taeyeon’s story about what had happened between her and Jessica. She had also mentioned about Yewon purposely making her angry (jealous). That is the reason why she had left and went here. “This midget and her stupid habit.” Yuri responded and sips on her coffee.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Taeyeon frowned.

“Tae, you’ll always run away whenever things doesn’t go well.” Sunny said to her. “Jessica is going to feel bad about this.” She added.

Taeyeon has never thought about how Jessica felt when she left earlier. However, she cannot stay there when Yewon is constantly ‘taunting’ her. “I…She’s the one who started it!” She justified. She only receives judging looks from her friends.

“Idiot, it’s obvious that Yewon was doing that because you’re not making any moves! Do I really need to explain it to you?” Yuri emphasized the ‘you’ to mean that Taeyeon is an experienced woman. She should have known what to do when the woman she loves is getting hit on by another woman.

“Why would I make a move on Jessica? We’re friends.” Taeyeon reasoned. Yuri groans at the answer while Sunny disappointingly lowers her head.

“Yah, Jessica was trying to kiss you! What kind of friends that does that?” Yuri felt frustrated.

“I had with both of you and you’re my friends!” Taeyeon barked back.

“It’s not the same, you -head. We were young and .” Sunny replied to Taeyeon’s point. “Jessica is special, isn’t she? Why are you holding back?” She questioned.

Taeyeon sighs heavily as she leans back. “She’ll regret it.” That is the only thing she could think of.

She wanted them to be real. But Taeyeon cannot be selfish. Jessica is young. Sure, she is an adult. However, being a trainee at such a young age, she still has a mind of a teen. She could regret about all of this later in life. Besides, she is a singer that has yet to make it really big. Taeyeon did not want to snatches that dream away from her. Taeyeon also thought, she is the wrong person for Jessica to be in love with.

“Lying to yourself is going to hurt you more.” Sunny spilled her mind. “I don’t want to sound rude. But if you’re both are just friends, why does she still keeping you around when she knew you have feelings for her? Unless, she’s taking advantage of you.”

Taeyeon glares at Sunny. “What did you say?” She threatened. Sunny smirks while shrugging her shoulders. The only way for Taeyeon to realizes her own stupidity is pushing her to the edge. She leans forward and place her elbows on the table. “Am I wrong? It’s pretty clear that she’s just using you. You’re like her lap-dog.”

Taeyeon stands up and grabs Sunny on the shirt’s collar. She rarely loses her temper over mediocre remarks. However, when it involves Jessica, she cannot hold back her anger. “Stop before I beat your .” She warned.

“Tch, please, you can’t even throw a punch.” Sunny spat back. Taeyeon’s eye twitches by the look on Sunny’s face.

Yuri quickly intervenes by pulling Taeyeon’s hand away from Sunny. She turns to the shop’s owner. “I know what you’re trying to do. But I’m in no mood to yank one of you if you start wrestling on the floor.” She turns to Taeyeon. “You. Calm down and sit.” She pointed at the chair. Taeyeon roll her eyes and do as she is told. She crosses her arms while shutting her eyes in frustration.

“I don’t want to fight. I just want you to understand that Jessica isn’t a kid. It’s not up to you to make decisions for her. You’re not an emotionless grown-up either. Tae, I…We’re telling you to stop running away.” Sunny spoke truthfully.

Taeyeon looks at them. Yuri nods, agreeing with Sunny’s words. She inhales deeply and leans her head down on the chair; staring up at the ceiling above. She has no clue what to do, it is either staying in that safe zone or stepping out of it.

**

It is late afternoon. Taeyeon is sitting outside at the balcony. Jessica enters the living room and sees her from afar. She is thinking whether she should approaches Taeyeon and talk about the event this morning. Honestly, she feels bad for initiating a move to her. She was dazed by Taeyeon’s nervous eyes. Their faces were so near that Jessica cannot resists the urge to kiss Taeyeon. Well, she wanted to taste her lips so badly that she felt the heat spreading throughout her body.

 Jessica remembers her conversation with Tiffany when she was staying at the ward. “Hey, Tiff.” She called her friend. Tiffany simply answered with a hum. “Is it…okay…for me to be myself?” She asked. Tiffany lifted her head and looked at Jessica. “I wonder…if it’s okay for me to stop lying about how I feel.” Jessica confessed.

Tiffany knew what she was talking about. She closed the file in her hands and sat down next to Jessica on the bed. “This is about Taeyeon, isn’t it?”

Jessica sighed at her own thoughts. “Summer pushed me because I fought back.”

Tiffany frowned. “Why didn’t you say that when the police came?” She felt confused. When news came out that Jessica was conscious, the policemen came by to asked questions about the incident.

It was suspicious. After Jessica was admitted to the hospital, the company sent Summer away; somewhere that the public did not know. They have claimed it was for Summer’s mental health since she was ‘traumatized’ by the incident. But a CCTV footage surfaced on the internet where Summer was seen pushing Jessica down the stairs. The video was later taken down and anyone that downloaded it were threatened to be sue, so they deleted it. There was also the doctor and nurses reporting their concerns about the old bruises on Jessica’s body. It showed a sign of constant beating. The authority have to investigate if there is a case of abuse.

Jessica did not tell the truth though. Instead, she lied about clumsily missing a step and falling down the stairs. When they asked her about the bruises, she made up an excuse that those were because of dance practices. Since it was reasonable, the police had no choice but to not investigate any further.

“I was scared.” Jessica finally responded. Tiffany sighed heavily. She cannot pushed Jessica to confessed what Summer had truly did to her. Jessica was afraid of all the troubles that will come if she ever admitted the truth behind their idol lives. In fact, despite Summer’s abusive ways, Jessica cannot bear to see her behind bars. It may just be her fear telling her that.

However, Tiffany wondered why did Summer went to such length to hurt Jessica this time. She ruined her own image and career entirely because of the rumors. “Be honest with me. Why did she pushed you?” She asked. She did not want to make Jessica talked about the incident again but she needed to know what really happened.

Jessica was hesitant at first. But seeing Tiffany’s pleading eyes, she decided to tell the truth. “I’ve never fought back. Even when she was hitting and cursing at me every single day, I was too scared to say anything about it.” She her dry lips. “I don’t know what came over me that day. She was hurting me as usual. I just willingly took it. But…when she started mentioning about Taeyeon, mocking her and her dad too, I…I felt really angry. I was so angry that I unconsciously talked back to her. I wanted her to shut up. I don’t want her to talk badly about Taeyeon or her family.” She inhaled deeply to calm her tightening chest. “It was my fault. I shouldn’t have done that.”

Tiffany pulled Jessica into her embrace. “No, it’s not. It’s not your fault. She’s an evil- and she hurts you.” She looked at Jessica as she caressed her cheek. “You’re in love with Taeyeon, right?” She smiled. Jessica unwillingly teared-up while nodding her head. “Do you want to be with her?” She asked another question.

“Yes.” Jessica can barely spoke. “I want to be with her…but I’m scared. I’m…really scared. I don’t want to hurt her.” She cried.

Tiffany understood her feelings. She was once in that place; madly in love but too afraid to stay. She was lost. That was the life they were living. Trainees with big dreams. But they lose their freedom entirely. They cannot be their real selves for the sake of being liked by others. They had to lie to themselves and those around them. Yet, was it really worth it to live such lives?

“You’ve grown up. You’re not the same girl I’ve met at the dance studio years ago.” Tiffany held Jessica’s shoulders. “Listen to me. It’s terrifying to come out. I don’t want sugar-coat my words and say that everything will be fine. But you can’t keep living like this. The least you could do for yourself…is to be honest with your feelings.”

Tiffany’s words are still lingering in her mind. Jessica takes a deep breath as she walks across the living room to the balcony. She slides the door open, taking Taeyeon by surprise. It turns out she was wearing earphones and she did not heard Jessica’s footsteps. She coughs after choking on the smoke.

“Taeyeon!” Jessica hurriedly went to Taeyeon and patted her back. “Are you okay?” She worriedly asked.

“I-I’m fine. I…was…” Taeyeon cleared and showed a vaping pod in her hand. “I thought smoking would be bad for you. So, I’ve bought this thing here. It’s…safer for you, I think. I’m still….not used to it.”

Jessica could not help but smile. Yewon was ‘scolding’ her about smoking. She did not expect Taeyeon would take in her words and swapped her usual cigarettes with an electronic one. Jessica sits down next to Taeyeon. “I’m okay. I don’t mind if you want to smoke, it’s your home.” She said.

Taeyeon hums as she thinks about it. “I don’t want to make you sick when you’re with me.” She responded.

Jessica softly chuckles and nods her head. She lowers her head; trying to think of what to say to Taeyeon about the incident this morning. She is scared if she messes up and causes another misunderstanding. But she needs to talk about it and say about her feelings too. She can no longer prolong this ‘friendship’ between them. It was time for her to step-out of that safe zone.

“This morning…what I did…I’m not going to apologize about it or say that I’m wrong.” Jessica spoke. Taeyeon halts and turns her head to the side. Her eyes staring directly at Jessica’s face. The idol takes a deep breath in. “I’m not going to lie anymore. I…I like you.” She confessed while staring into Taeyeon’s eyes. “I’m in love with you.”

Taeyeon is taken aback by the confession. She turns away but Jessica would not let her. She reaches out to touch her face and they look at one another. “I want you to be my girlfriend.”

“Jessica.” Taeyeon tries to argue but Jessica refuses to listen to another excuse. “Don’t resist me.” She said and Taeyeon cannot help but blushes madly at the words. She did not expect this to happen. Just this morning, she was arguing with her friends because of her ‘one-sided’ love. She was so sure that she can live a life where she is merely a friend to Jessica. Truthfully, she only held back because she is afraid of the consequences. Jessica is an idol. How can she possibly protect her if people know about it?

“You don’t know me, Sica.” Taeyeon tried to reasoned. She did not want to fall into this moment. As the older one, she needed to be rational.

“Then, show me the real you. I don’t want…to live in lies anymore.” Jessica sounded pleading. “I like…no, I love you. I really do love you. Do you…still feel the same?” Her eyes glistening from tears.

“I…” Taeyeon remembered Sunny’s words. Maybe it is time for her too, to stop running away from the truth and get rid of the lies. “I do. I never stop loving you. But…I don’t want you to regret about this.” She spoke truthfully.

Jessica smiles brightly despite the tears running down her cheeks. “I’ll be the one responsible for own feelings. So…stop running away from me.” She said.

Taeyeon can no longer hesitates. She wants to step out of this ‘safe-zone’ with Jessica. She does not want to run away or stand still. She will follow her heart. “Let’s…get to know each other again, Jessica Jung.” She caressed Jessica’s cheek; wiping the tears away with her thumb. Forget about the future. What matters now is the present; where it’s them being honest with themselves and what they feel.

“Let’s get to know each other, Kim Taeyeon.” Jessica spoke. Taeyeon nods. She leans forward while placing her hand on Jessica’s cheek. She closes her eyes and gently bites Jessica’s lower lip. Jessica shut her eyes while holding her breath in. She can hear her heart beating fast inside when she feels Taeyeon’s lips indirectly on hers’ for the first time.

“For now…this is enough.” Taeyeon whispered when she leaned back. Jessica’s cheeks turn red from the gesture. “Let’s bite each other’s lips more often.” Taeyeon said and Jessica cannot help but to smile widely. She happily nods and they hold hands while looking at each other with joyful smiles.

They did not realizes someone has been watching them from afar. The person quickly left in their car before getting notice.

To be continued.

Hello! I've been having quite a hard-time figuring out how to write this chapter because it went way, way off from my original plot. But, I've managed to finished it. I was planning to update next month but I'll probably be busy with work. Anyways, thank you for the subs. Please do drop a vote if you love the story! Feel free to comment on your thoughts too. Hope you enjoy reading and I'll see you guys on the next update!

Note: Have any of you watch GAP The Series? I've been rewatching it for the 10th time. I'm quite obsessed with the plot and the actresses too (especially Freen). The author of the novel is a genius! The last scene was inspired from that story. If you're interested, please do watch the series. The couple kinda reminds me of JeTi.