I find myself back in the same place again. I’m sitting back down on the floor, next to Hyejijn’s coffee table. But I’m also back in the past, back when we were four teenage girls, thinking we would conquer the world together. Side by side, at least. Like we would conquer a school day, goofing around. It feels like yesterday. Having Yongsun around feels like yesterday, almost. I don’t know if it’s the soju or Wheein’s pep talk and hug earlier, but I am much more relaxed now.

I would be lying if I said that I didn’t enjoy the situation. Hyejin looks so happy. She is a very loyal friend, I guess I underestimated how much she wanted us to be reunited again. She used to refer to us as her family. When Hyejin is happy, everybody is. Me included.

I learned that Yongsun had changed school in the middle of her university career. One of the last things I heard before the girls lost touch with her too was that she was studying to be a translator in a renowned university I have forgotten the name of. Apparently, it was too hard for her. But nothing was too hard for her, I’m pretty sure she was perfectly able to manage her classes’ difficulty. If she said it was too much pressure, then I would understand. She’s now working part time as a personal assistant while trying to start her translating freelance business.

She kept some of her habits: she is still clumsy as hell and it’s still as ridiculous as it used to be. Her sleeve got stuck by the door handle when she got up to go to the bathroom earlier. When she acted like she was kicking the door out of frustration, her slipper flown straight into the pot of another one of Hyeijin’s human-sized plant. She still whines each time we make fun of her, but she laughs at herself right after. And, more importantly, she is still radiating energy.

Wheein was right: I too can let her back in if I want to. And all those things are the reasons why I really don’t. I grew up so much, I’ve gone so far. I’m nowhere near where I want to be, but I won’t go back on all the work I made to forget her. I had closed that chapter of my life as much as I could. I’ll see her around the girls, and like today, we will laugh together. I’ll catch up with her naturally. But that’s it, I’m not going to invest more of my time with her. I owe it to myself. This is so liberating. This means I can breathe around her.

We’re playing a silly game in which we have to pile some miniature plastic chairs on top of another without making them fall and I at it. I must admit, it’s hilarious how bad I am. I can’t blame the other to have a good laugh out of it.

- “The table must be lower on my side, there is no other explanation!

- You’re just a sore loser Byulyi-unnie!

- Yah Heyjin-ah! The only reason you’re not losing is because you are right after me! How can you lose if I lose first?

- Ho yeah? Girls let’s try it: a round without unnie playing and another one with her. Let’s see if I lose!”

And so they begin another round. And Hyejin… pass it. There is no choice now; I have to succeed when it’s my turn. Maybe Yongsun will fail? No. Ah. Wheein? Neither. What do I do? Focus, this can’t be this hard. Slowly, slowly, I’m almost there… and… .

- “Why? I didn’t even touch it? I’m dumbfounded!”

We are all cracking up again.

- “Oh it’s sooo funny! Do it again unnie!”

Wheein has lifted her foot high in the air and she is grabbing her ankle with both hands.

- “I’ll never play this game again. I’m sure you are all cheating anyway.

- Just accept it unnie, you’re bad at it.”

Hyejin was clearly enjoying this too much.

- “Ahn Hyejin, I’ll let you know that there is nothing I’m bad at.

- We found your weakness… small plastic chairs!

- Yah, Yongsun! I can defeat plastic chairs whenever I want! Do you have another game Hyejin-ah? This one is no fun!”

It takes us a few minutes to be able to breathe normally again, and we indeed switch to another game, but it doesn’t change the outcome: I still lose. I was always bad at games anyway, that’s why I didn’t like them before I realised I could make others laugh when I turned myself to ridicule.

Half an hour or so later, we decide to call it a night and Hyejin goes to retrieve an inflatable mattress out of her closet. I volunteer to sleep on it; Wheein will sleep with Hyejin as usual and there is no way that I let Yongsun sleep anywhere else than on the couch.

- “Hyejinie, do you have clothes I could borrow to sleep?

- Sure Byulyi-unnie, let me find you something.

- Actually, me too? I came here straight from the office as I was late…”

Hyejin comes back after a few seconds with t-shirts and sweatpants for Yongsun and I. We all take turns to use the bathroom and get ready, then Wheein and Hyejin disappear into Hyejin’s bedroom.

The mattress is uncomfortable, it’s sinking under me and it’s squeaking at my every movement. But here I am, smiling. I must look like a complete fool right now. What a difference compared to earlier, when I was freaking out in my car before entering the teashop. This evening turned out not so bad after all. Yongsun’s breathing became deep and regular, she must have fallen asleep.

Based on Yongsun’s past actions and the frequency of me and the girls’ meetings, it’s probably safe to say that I won’t see her again before a few months, if I see her again. I meant it when I told Wheein I would listen to what she has to say. For both of the girls’ sake, it’s better if it happens earlier than later. And it is for my sake too; hearing her might make the process smoother for myself. Whatever her reasons are, I don’t think I’ll ever change my mind. And if we clear the air, I won’t have to stress over nothing next time. Again, if there is a next time. I can be straightforward with her and explain where I stand. I’m decided, I’ll talk to her tomorrow.

The next morning

We all woke up late and ate lunch together. Hyejin and I deflated the mattress and we folded it back in its case. It’s slowly getting time for me to go back home, and I didn’t have the chance to see Yongsun alone.

Ok, my bag, my cap… I have everything I came here with. Right, my shoes.

- “Alright girls, that was me. I’ll get going.

- Unnie, have a safe drive.

- Thank you, Wheein-ah, I will.”

Of course, Hyejin comes to hug me. There is no way I’m denying that.

- “Take care

- You too. See you two soon.”

Well, Byul, it’s now or never, probably. Do it for the kids!

- “Yong, I have a minute for you if you want to.”

Clearly, she is surprised. She looks so young with her eyes wide open like that, how the hell is she older than me?

- “Oh! You mean…? Yes, I’m coming. I’ll be right back Hyejinie!”

Great, it will be one thing I won’t have to think about anymore. She’s almost done putting her shoes on. I have to look cool. Do I? Wheein looks like she is panicking a little and Hyejin is just smiling. I’m trying to tell them it’s going to go alright with my eyes, I hope they get it. A last hand wave and we are on our way to the elevator.

We stay silent the whole trip down the lobby. I’m not going to make her wait in the cold, so this will do. Putting my back against the white wall, I turn to face her.

- “I’m listening.

- I’m sorry I left.”

Yeah, I know. You said that already.

- “You ghosted me, Yong.

- I know, I-

- For… how much as it been? 6 years?”

She isn’t even looking at me now. I guess the tip of her foot is more interesting.

- “If you didn’t want to be my friend anymore, I would have understood. Well, no, that’s a lie. I wouldn’t have, but I would have accepted it. You should have just told me. It’s just… It would have hurt less.

- It’s not like that…”

Here she goes again. She has the bad habit to take ages to get to the point. I can’t have that now.

- “Then how is it? Because in all those years, that’s the only reason I found that made sense.

- I loved you…

- Yeah, it doesn’t make sense.

- I love you.

- You ghosted me because you loved me? I’m not following. Please Yongsun, just… use words.

- I was scared… I loved you too much, and I, I didn’t know how to handle it. I’m sorry…

- You loved me… Too much?

- Yes.

- You mean… you had feelings for me?”

She nods. Oh. OH. What? No. What? My head hurts.

- “God… I don’t know what to say.

- I’m so sorry

- Stop saying that. Why didn’t you tell me?

- I wasn’t ready…

- We could have figured it out togeth-

- And you were taken.

- I would have ditched him in a second if you had asked me to. You knew that, right?

- In a way. You never made it clear.

- I had everything to lose. Being your friend was good enough. But then again, I did lose you anyway.

- I had a lot to lose too. I know I handled it badly. I can’t say more really… Can you forgive me?

- I forgave you a long time ago, Yong. I tried, but it turns out I’m not great at being resentful towards you. But if you hurt the girls again, that will be another story.

- I won’t, I promise.

- Don’t promise anything.”

Because if she does, she won’t keep it. That was definitely something I could count on even back then, her breaking promises.

- “Byul-ah, I’m being honest with you. I came because Hyejin invited me. I’m not sure I would have had the courage to contact them. But when she did, I didn’t hesitate even one second… I didn’t know if you would be there or not.

- I’m always there when it comes to them.

- I didn’t realise you were still this close.

- We made time for each other.

- And you have no idea how much hearing that warms my heart. I thought about them a lot. About you too.

- …I was always right there, you know. My number never changed.

- I convinced myself that you didn’t even think about me anymore. The way you carry yourself, how you are with Wheein and Hyejin… Byulyi, I… I’m still in love with you.

- Yong…

- Tell me you don’t care about me anymore and I’ll drop it.

- I can’t.”

Our eye contact is intense, it feels like it’s burning my last brain cells. God my head hurts. Nope, don’t you dare come closer. , she smells good. It’s definitely a different brand of shampoo she is using. Deep breaths, Byul. Open your eyes. This can’t happen.

- “Please Yong, don’t kiss me.

- Why?

- All I can think of right now is how you’ll be gone tomorrow.

- I won’t go again.

- I don’t trust you.

- Then I’ll show you. I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to do what it takes to gain back your trust. I’m serious about this. It doesn’t matter how much time it takes.”