I’m a wreck. There is no other way. Either I stay like this, or I jump off the cliff and I try. What can happen? I mean sure I can just fall and crash at the bottom but… Oh God, I can fall and crash down. I’m scared of heights! How am I supposed to do this?

I have to, though. There is no way I’m not. I can’t pass on the opportunity. It’s now or – maybe – never. I have to. Ok, I’m doing this! YOU’RE DOING THIS BYULYI! I’m doing this. I’m taking the step. I’m going freelance and I’m accepting my first photography focused job. Holy freaking freak.

I have to call my mom! How do I even register as a freelancer? I need to look those things up. Oh my, I’m not good at paperwork. But this… Finally. Finally. This feels right! I need to tell the girls! We need to celebrate! And Yong! And Yong… and Yong.

Hm. I can actually tell Yong. But maybe it would be insensitive of me? We haven’t talked much apart from the group chat since… Yeah, since I told her we weren’t made for each other. What a lie. What a truth? Whatever. It’s been what, six weeks?

For once, I want to share something with her and she's actually there, so why not? Why can’t I be a little selfish for once? It’d be just a phone call… But I can’t hug her through a phone call…

*Pfiiiiii*

Ah, tea is ready. What are you even thinking Byul! No hug. No hug. Hug? . I just cannot not be in love with her, can I? Like everything I do, everything that happens, good or bad, I’ll forever want to share with her, right? And I’ll forever wish she’d share things with me, right? I really am a lost cause. Why am I not even able to be interested in other women? This is silly. I should forget about it.

, this is hot. I’ll feel my tongue for a couple of days, I think… She’s still the one, isn’t she? Yes, she really is. The love of my life. And I’m not even 30 years old. I’m so in love. Since so long. There is no choice either, is there? In this field too, either I stay like this, or I jump off the cliff and I try. If it works, then maybe I can have what I always wanted; a wife that I love and who I can’t wait to go home to, no matter what the day has been like. Maybe even a kid, an adorabl-does Yong even wants kids? Why have we never talked about that? Friends talk about those things, right? Anyway. If it doesn’t work, if I crash down the cliff, then… It’s not going to be much more different from now, right? At least I’ll have tried. We’ll have tried. Double holy . I have to try.

I guess I didn’t think this through… Ah! And it’s a video call! Of course it is. Do I look ok?

- “The reason you need it?”

Damn, Hyejin didn’t even let me open my mouth. Is she in her bath?

- “I want to talk to her. Are you in your bath?

- The reason you don’t ask her directly?”

And Wheein is… in a lab, it looks like. The white scientist coat suits her, damn.

- “God, isn’t one of you supposed to be the good cop? Wheein?

- I’m the good cop! But it’s sus…

- Come on girls, please!”

Wheein is clearly manipulating something that I can’t see. Hyejin is looking straight at her screen. But both of them remain silent, and the one eyebrow raised on each of their faces tells me it won’t be that easy.

- “I don’t want to ask her because, well, one I feel stupid for not knowing and two, I kind of don’t want her to know I’m coming…

- Omo!

- What?

- You’re nervous!

- No I’m not.

- Wheein?

- Yes, she’s nervous. Hyejin, I think we need to prepare…

- …For two very different outcomes, I agree.

- Girls? The address?

- Unnie, are you sure? You are going to get her, are we wrong? Is it a spur-of-the-moment thing or…”

Is it? Kind of, but also it’s something that’s been there for years.

- “It’s finally letting myself have something I want.

- Gross!

- I didn’t mean it like that, Hyejin… oh my gosh…

- Whatever. We want to see you together more than anything, so I guess the possibility of spending the night drying both of your tears is worth it… And you don’t look drunk. I’ll text you the address unnie.

- My Hyejinie is gruuumpy.

- Wheein-ah.

- What?

- Don’t act like you’re not invested in this.

- What are you talking about?

- She’s your biggest fan, ya know? She named two cells she’s working on “Byulkong” and “Yongkong”. What are you trying to make them do again?

- I’m trying to make them fusion. So far, they are just touching each other. They are taking their sweeeet time.

- What-why-wh… Whatever. Bye?

- Bye unnie.

- Go get your girl unnie, it’s about time.”

I'm not sure all of this teasing was worth-

*Ding!*

Screw that, it was worth it! I got the address! 

Ok. That was step one. What’s step two? Do I just go there? I shouldn’t arrive empty-handed, right? Flowers? Maybe I should wait a little more and plan something more romantic? Barging in like that, she might get mad, who does that? Maybe this is not a good idea…

*Ding!*

Shake it off Byul-ah, flowers it is. I should probably take a shower before going there. Maybe wear something nicer. I’m doing this. I’M DOING THIS! I can do it. Alright, let’s go… in the shower!

It’s been a while since I’ve been this nervous. Well, last time I can remember, it was because of the same girl. But last time, I dreaded seeing her. This time, it’s all about anticipation. I’m stressing my off, but they say stress can be a good thing. It means you’re about to do something that’s somewhat important, or else you wouldn’t mind.

So yes, I’m nervous. And I feel a little stupid with this bouquet of flowers. Is it too much? They smell nice. If I feel like it’s not going well, I can’t pretend I came here for anything else than to confess, the flowers don’t lie. It’s too much, I shouldn’t have… I’m not even sure if she likes flowers. And those things cost. Not that I care spending for Yongsun. I’d buy her the most expensive things if she was mine. No, not mine, she’s not an object Byul. Not yours. If she was with me. Ok, breathe. She loves you. You love her. Everything is good. Almost zero risks. I just have to raise my hand and press on that button, and she’ll be right here, before me. What do I say? Is my shirt wrinkled? Why do I feel like I’m sixteen again? You got game, Byul. Breathe. It took too much to get here just to walk away. I hope that old man will have good use of those bills… I still can’t believe he asked me money to let me in the building. Anyway. Now, or never. Now.

*Ding Dong*

She’s wearing a simple blue dress. If aging did not affect her face much, it definitely gave her elegance. Even with wide eyes and slightly opened, she’s the epitome of simple elegance. Is it her long black hair? Is it her red lipstick? Is it just inner confidence?

- “Hello!”

Well, my voice however doesn’t carry any confidence, it seems.

- “Byul! Hi!”

She’s now smiling ear to ear. That’s good, she’s not going to send me right back to where I come from. Right, exhale Byul, breathe. God that smile is beautiful. Even more when her eyes find the flowers. Maybe it was the right move after all. I told you you got game, Byul!

- “Everything alright, Yongsun?”

Yongsun turns her head back to the inside of her apartment, where the male voice came from. She’s not alone. I should have called, . I’m lucky she’s even home right now… Wait, who is it?

- “Yes! Hum… We will continue this later, ok?”

She has opened her door more fully now and I can see a man overed on some papers scattered on the small dining table.

- “Are you sure?

- Yes, this can wait tomorrow, Eric. I’ll go over it before coming to the office, everything will be ready in time, I promise.”

His eyes met mine for a brief instant. He seems hesitant.

- “Ok, if you need any help don’t hesitate to call me, ok?

- Sure. Thank you!”

He picks up a walled and a set of keys on the table and makes his way toward the door, where we are standing. After saying goodbye, he leaves us alone. I’m still standing in the hallway, outside. She leans on her doorframe.

- “Colleague, I suppose?

- Yes.

- Sorry, I should have called. I didn’t mean to interrupt your plans.

- Don’t worry, you saved me from a very boring evening! Are those for me?

- Ah. Ye-yes. I hum… I didn’t know what you like so I ask for advice at the shop; they told me what flowers those were but I hum… I forgot. Anyway. Yes, I hope you like them?

- Why don’t you give them to me, so I can see if I like them?

- Right! Right. Here.

- I’m teasing you, of course I love them, Byulyi. Come in.”

Yongsun’s apartment is quite small. The kitchen and the living area are open. A short hallway leads to three closed doors. Despite this, it’s the opposite of mine: the choice of furniture and decoration is making the atmosphere cosy and welcoming. At her image.

By the time I took to look around, Yongsun has already put the flowers in a vase, and the vase on the table where the papers were a few minutes ago. How do I begin? How does one begin a confession of love? I should have asked Google before coming… It’s so hot in here!

- “So… What did I do to deserve this? I’m happy you’re here, but I certainly did not expect it.

- Can we talk?

- Sure, everything alright?

- Yes, yes. It’s just… God, how do I start? I did a lot of thinking.”

She gestures me take a seat on one of the chairs and she sits down on the one next to it, so we’re facing each other. My heart is in my throat, I feel like I’m going to puke. She must sense my emotional turmoil: she takes my hand in hers and she leans a bit forward. She’s waiting for me to continue. Just jump, Byulyi. Jump.

- “I thought a lot about us. You know, I never regretted knowing you. Sure, it was painful for some time. But it was only because I was able to love you so much. The pain has to be as brutal as the love, right? If I had to go back and relive our teenage years knowing it would happen, I’m not even sure I would change one thing. I was dumb kid, but I already knew back then that holding on to someone who doesn’t want to be around you is not a good idea, for neither. In fact, maybe I would have let you go sooner. But I don’t even regret that, because I tried. I did as much as I could. And that’s ing beautiful. You were the first person I wanted to do as much as I could for.

- Why does this sound like a breakup?”

She gets up and tries to take a few steps away, but I’m not letting her hand go away. Her touch is comforting, reassuring. We are both on our feet, standing at an awkward distance. I make her face me again.

- “Because it is. Today, I made an important decision. I had great news and I wanted to share it with you. First, I told myself off for it because it was stupid. But it isn’t, because each time I’m hearing about something important, I want to share it with you, good or bad. I don’t want us to be whatever we are now; I don’t want to be your friend or worst, the friend of your friend ever again. I don’t want to see me as just your crush. I want you to see me as the one who loves you. I want to be your lover. Yong, can I take you on a date?

- Byulyi!”

She punches me in the shoulder with her free hand, and I manage to capture it right after. I’m confused: she wears a really soft expression that contradicts her actions.

 - “Of course, you can…”

Thank you, whoever or whatever is watching over me. I close my eyes briefly to release a long breath. I can feel my shoulder drop by a few centimetres too. The stressing part is over. Almost. I have to say one more thing.

- “You have to know something first, though.

- Yes?

- You’ll have to be patient with me. I’m so afraid of this.”

She pulls me closer and brushes my cheek with her thumb. How did I get so lucky? She is so beautiful. She is stunning. Like literally, I’m stunned by looking at her. I can’t detach my eyes from hers.

- “I’m scared too, so much.”

Stunned, mesmerised, under a spell… call it what you want. All I know is that I’m leaning even closer to her. She smells better than the flowers. I don’t control either my body or my mouth.

- “I love you.

- I love you. So, a date, hum?”

She’s whispering at this point. There is no need to speak louder, our noses are almost touching. Everything feels peaceful. I was a mess a few minutes ago, now I’m just… calm.

- “Yes. Let’s do it step by step.

- Ok. Step by step. I like that. Is it too early to…?

- No, it’s n-“

A little more than six years, it’s nothing. Ten years of knowing her, two years as best friends, two years of me being secretly in love, six years barely hearing anything from her. All worth it. Her lips are finally on mine, and I can feel every hair on my body. A flash of cold goes from the tip of my head to my feet, but my lips are burning. My head is spinning, but I haven’t felt this grounded since a long time. I’m finally kissing Yongsun, and that’s all that matters. My hands are wrapped around the waist of my world again, and she has hers wrapped around my shoulder again, like before. Except we have changed, we have grown up, we have matured. And we are kissing. I can’t stop the smile forming on my lips and I can feel that it makes her smile too. Slowly, she pulls away just enough to talk.

- “So, you wanted to talk to me about an important decision you made? Tell me all about it.”

Hello everyone, this slightly longer chapter marks the end of the story. It's been a pleasure and a challege for me to write it, I hope you got to enjoy it as much as I did !  

Thank you for reading until now, and see you soon <3