Nabi was with me the entire reception. Yong was sitting on the other side of Nabi during dinner time. Even when we don’t talk, I know we silently understand that we don’t want Nabi to worry about her two mothers acting strange around each other. Since we haven’t settled the divorce yet, we’re out here pretending for our daughter only. But for those people who knew, like Chorong and Bomi, Seulgi and Irene, and even Yonghae, it’s obvious from a simple glance at us how we deliberately try not to communicate and touch.

Over the course of dinner, I think I somehow learned how to dance my way around Yong. I learned how to dodge having to touch and talk to her, and Nabi’s a good medium for that. Neither one of us acknowledged the other the entire dinner time.

It was exhausting though. I have to put an extra effort to ignore her existence on the other side of Nabi. There was this one time that my hand accidentally glided over her arm when I reached over the tissues to wipe Nabi’s chin while she reached for Nabi’s water.

It would be a lie if I said it didn’t affect me. It would be a lie if I said that I didn’t need a moment to compose myself. And it would be a lie if I deny that I don’t want to, that I do not desire it. It would be the biggest if I said that I do not yearn, ache, and thirst for her. For her touch, her kisses, her intense gaze that would melt me, and for even just her slightest attention. It physically pains me to be so close to her yet so far away.

If Nabi wasn’t here, I would have jumped at the first chance of grabbing one of those beer cans to intoxicate myself. I’m too sober for this. I’m too sober and too tired to ignore Yong. If my rings were here with me, I would’ve been fidgeting with them the entire event as well.

When will this wedding end?

I was able to breathe when we finished dinner. Yong went back to helping Irene with the remaining parts of the reception. I sat Nabi on my lap and rested my forehead on her head while I closed my eyes, ignoring everything around me while I took this opportunity to breathe.

When Nabi started complaining about my heavy head, I leaned back on my seat and turned her around so I could see her face. I smiled at her but she only pouted at me, which made me furrow my eyebrows a little bit.

“What’s wrong? Are you still hungry? Are you tired already?” I asked her as I brushed back her hair before I leaned forward to kiss her forehead. I gently bounced my knees, rocking her on my lap as I held her waist while she held onto my blazer.

Her pout slowly turned to a frown before she asked, “Did you and Mommy fight?”

My rocking stopped while my heart skipped a beat before it started pounding hard from nervousness. I stared at my daughter, cursing at myself for making it obvious, at the same time, trying to question myself why I have such an intelligent daughter.

I forgot that Nabi easily catches on. I forgot how perceptive and observant she is. I forgot that we shared the same genes and had somehow learned these skills from her Mommy too. I stared at Nabi as I contemplated whether I should lie or tell her truth.

If I’m telling her that me and her Mommy are separating, how would she react?

I may be clueless as to what she’s going to feel but I know she’ll ask a lot of questions, and I know right now is not the time and place for her to know. Right now is not the time for that. I don’t even know when will be the right time to tell her that Mommy and Mama were not on good terms. Really not on good terms.

Do I even have the heart to tell her the truth?

I gulped hard before I nervously cleared my throat. I pulled her closer to me while she continued to look at me expectantly. “Why do you ask that, baby?” I’m using Yong’s another method of evasion; answering by asking a question.

“When you went to Auntie Chorong’s room earlier… You greeted me and Auntie Chorong… You even say hi to your friend, but not Mommy. You didn’t greet Mommy” she mumbled while she glared and pouted at me.

I gulped, feeling nervous and scared under my daughter’s scrutiny. Should I lie or should I ask her another question? How can I even answer that with a question?!

I gulped once again before I breathed heavily. “Mama wasn’t able to” I lied. I could even feel my palms sweating from either side of my daughter’s waist.

“Why?” Her head shook a little bit when she asked me that single-word question. Her eyebrows dipped lower as if to scold me why I didn’t greet her Mommy earlier while her eyes continued to blink at me innocently, expecting me to enlighten her. Me, on the other hand, felt my heart pounding faster while my breaths turned shallow from being even more nervous.

“I…” I said but stopped while I formulated another lie as fast as I can but Nabi staring right back at me is not making me think at all. I cleared my throat and righted her position while I scanned my eyes everywhere, my mind waking up to think, which is really difficult after depriving myself of sleep.

“Mama wasn’t able to because I had to greet Auntie Chorong first. It’s her special day, but then Auntie Irene came and said that the ceremony was about to start so Mama had to go to the ceremony hall. That’s why I wasn’t able to greet Mommy” I mumbled to my daughter, fanning myself when I felt suddenly warm.

… why do you have to ask me about this Nabi?

I looked at Nabi again and gulped once again when she was still pouting at me. “What?” I asked, feeling defensive under her gaze.

She really got her charms on her Mommy. I can’t even handle her intense gaze right now.

“When you said I love you to me earlier…”

“What about it?”

“You would always say that Mommy and Mama love me too. Why didn’t you?”

Do I? Didn’t I? Where does she even get this?!

“That doesn’t mean that Mommy and Mama were fighting” I argued.

“Then why didn’t you kiss Mommy when we had dinner?!” she asked indignantly.

Why do you want me to kiss Mommy? I can’t, baby. I can’t kiss Mommy. I’m sorry…

If this was any other day, if Yong and I weren’t fighting, I would’ve smiled so proudly at how smart she is. I would’ve been laughing at her for being so observant and perceptive. Yong and I, after all, weren’t afraid to show our affections to each other in front of Nabi so that she’d somehow learn from it. So that she wouldn’t shy away when we’re being clingy to her.

It seems that it has worked against us now. It was the normal she could see from her two mothers. When it’s not happening anymore, she has worked it out and realized that maybe something’s wrong. And she wasn't wrong on that part.

I sighed before I asked her, “Do you want Mommy and Mama to fight, baby?”

“No.” She frowned at me this time.

I kissed her forehead and pulled her to my chest, hugging her tight. “Then that’s it, baby. Mommy and Mama aren’t fighting” I lied to her and it honestly stabbed my heart to lie to my daughter. She deserved the truth but I don’t know how I’m going to say that her Mommy and Mama have fallen apart.

“You aren’t?” she asked, her voice muffled by my clothes.

“We aren’t.” That lie was another stab to my chest. I don’t know for how long I can keep up with this.

Can it be considered a lie though? Yong and I aren’t fighting. We fought, and now we decided to divorce. That’s still partly the truth right?

My attention was brought back to the front when Yong and Irene were asked by Changsub to stand with Chorong and Bomi. I turned Nabi around again so she could see her Mommy. I wrapped my arms around her waist and secured her on my lap. My eyes were focused on my daughter while my ears were whatever they were talking at the front.

“Our wedding wouldn’t be possible without the help of my friends here,” Chorong said while the crowd listened to them attentively.

“I heard their partners are here too, right?” Changsub said, which definitely made me swallow a heavy lump that suddenly appeared in my throat. “Seulgi’s here tonight, which I heard is now Irene’s fiancée. Congratulations, by the way…” My palms started to sweat again, anticipating what Changsub is going to say next. “Wheein, Yong’s wife…” Oh no… “is here with us too, as well as their daughter, Nabi”

I smiled at Nabi when she suddenly turned to me when she heard her name, my lips trembling from nervousness. Nabi faced them at the front again and this time I looked towards their direction as well. I could see Yong is subtly glaring hard at Changsub.

“Should we invite them here? I think we should!” Changsub announced so cheerfully, which hyped the crowd and cheered with him too.

I gulped hard and saw Irene, Bomi, and Chorong subtly gave a thumbs up at Changsub while Yong was still glaring at Changsub. I looked at Changsub and saw him winking at Yong.

He knew. And they planned this.

Then I saw Seulgi standing up from the crowd. My head turned towards Yong but she wasn’t looking at me. Her attention was at her rings, fidgeting with them.

I closed my eyes to sigh before I whispered, “Nabi, let’s go. Uncle Changsub wants us to stand with Mommy”

I lifted Nabi off my lap before I stood up and held her hand. We walked around the tables as we moved forward and closer to the front. I’m freaking out right now because by being in front means that the attention of everyone will be on us. We’ll have to double our efforts in pretending so that the crowd will believe that everything’s fine between me and Yong, especially Nabi. She’s already suspicious of me and Yong. I don’t want her to doubt right after the interrogation she did to me.

I looked up and saw Yong lifting two chairs. I released Nabi’s hand and rushed towards her. I grabbed the chairs from her, startling her, as I whispered, “Go to Nabi. You’re not allowed to lift heavy things yet”

“I… Whee… Ah…” she stuttered before she sighed. “You don’t have to do this. I could just come up with an excuse or something” she whispered, staring at me nervously.

“I’m doing this for Nabi” I whispered before I turned around and placed the chairs on Chorong’s right side.

Maybe Yonghae was right that I was fighting for the wrong reasons, but I don’t know what else to do. It’s not like I could ask Yong in the middle of this wedding if she still loves me. I don’t want to assume that she really does, only to be hurt by that assumption. And if she does, it doesn’t have to do with us being together again. We’ve loved each other but we end up hurting each other again. I don’t want to be subjected by her glares and coldness again. I could still picture out how disgusted she was of me perfectly.

Nabi was smiling so wide seeing me and Yong together. It would break her heart to know that this will probably be the last time she’d see all three of us together. I want her to be happy even if it hurts me. I want my daughter to be happy. At least I could fulfill that promise to her.

I lifted Nabi in my arms when they got closer and kissed her cheek before I sat down beside Yong and sat Nabi on my lap. I faced her to the crowd but she my lap and pouted at me and Yong while Changsub was busy asking questions to the newly engaged and newly wedded couples.

“What’s wrong?” Yong asked worriedly, leaning closer to me to look at Nabi.

I held my breath when I caught a whiff of her scent and felt her arm brush on mine. I gulped, feeling my heart beating hard. I watched her rub Nabi’s cheek with her thumb while she reached to hold Nabi’s hand. Her scent has already invaded me even with that short whiff, I could feel my arm warming up from the feel of her arm, and I could feel her other arm on mine as well.

I gulped before I slowly released the breath I held. She’s doing that again to me. She’s making me go crazy just by sitting beside me. I wanted to distance myself but that just made me look suspicious in front of my daughter. Instead, I curled my toes and clenched my jaw to hold myself together.

“There are a lot of people looking at us…” Nabi whispered softly.

“We can’t make them go, baby. I’m sorry. We can’t go yet either. What do you want Mommy to do?” Yong asked, frowning slightly at Nabi.

“Hug” Nabi said, opening her arms wide.

“Okay” Yong said, smiling at Nabi.

“Mama too,” Nabi added, making Yong freeze midway leaning forward to Nabi while I froze on my own seat as well.

Yong looked at me nervously, unsure what to do. We both know the two of us can’t say no to Nabi, but she’s hesitating because now I’m involved in the hug. Nabi looked at me and Yong expectantly, still in her arms wide open, while Yong waited for my decision.

I smiled at Nabi and nodded my head as I said, “Come here”

I lifted her up so she’ll be standing on my lap. She smiled so wide before she wrapped one arm around Yong’s shoulders while her other arm was around me. I leaned my chin on Nabi’s shoulder and saw Yong did the same. One of Yong’s arms went around me, making me close my eyes and bury my face on Nabi’s hair.

I missed this…

I instantly broke the hug, forcing Yong to remove her arm around me, before I smiled at Nabi. “Are you okay now, baby?”

“Kiss” she said, smiling cheekily as she pointed at both of her cheeks.

Yong and I both chuckled at how adorable she is, especially when her dimple showed up. We both leaned forward and kissed either side of Nabi’s cheeks while I held the bittersweet feeling in my chest at bay,

“I love you, Nabi” I whispered right before Yong said, “Mommy and Mama love you so much”

When Nabi felt at ease already, I showered kisses on her tummy, which earned us her adorable giggles while Yong and I smiled at her. I sat her on my lap again and bounced her on my knees, entertaining her to get her mind off the audience around us.

“Now, let’s move on to this lovely family over here who ignored us while they’re enjoying themselves” Changsub suddenly said, gathering attention to all three of us while my heart started to beat hard once again from nervousness.

“Were you listening to what transpired a while ago?” Changsub asked us.

“No” Yong answered directly while I just shyly shook my head. That earned laughs from the guests.

Apparently, Changsub has been testing