Chaewon does not move. She breathes and it comes out short. Dammit, she coughs. Minjoo stirs beside her and she listens but thankfully, nothing else happens. Chaewon breathes again, slowly. She moves her head left and right. She gulps and purses her lips. Chaewon can see nothing.

She tells herself to breathe again. She knows what this is. Her expertise in the human brain teaches her what this is. It does not even require much thought, the answer is instantly in her mind but she can’t- formulate it into a thought. She only knows she has to breathe consistently. Then she finally registers. The thought, she has it.

The tumor must have grown and is now pressing on her occipital lobe, the reason for her loss of sight.

Chaewon coughs and she feels movement by her side. This time, much more than before. Heat curls itself around her arm. “Want water, unnie?” Minjoo’s husky low voice sounds close to her ear.

“It’s… fine.” Her own voice seems hoarser than she remembers. The loss of sight is making her hyperaware to her other senses. Minjoo is by her right so Chaewon faces away as she continues to breathe and think and blink. Blinking is redundant now, the cover between light and dark rendered useless when darkness prevails. She knows why she needs to keep breathing. That is not redundant. Thinking is…

The sight. Another thought formulates itself coherently. It can be temporary. She knows that. Pressures are never for certainty, they press but can adjust.

“Unnie?” There seems to be a kiss planted on top of her sweater near her shoulder. “Morning.” Minjoo’s sweet voice again where it is.

Chaewon breathes. “M-morning.” She closes her eyes.

Minjoo shifts so her arm is wrapped across Chaewon’s waist. “Come close to me.”

Chaewon turns her head back to Minjoo’s side but does not open her eyes. She nuzzles towards Minjoo based on pure instinct alone and when Minjoo’s scent is inherently stronger, breathing suddenly does not seem like conscious work. She brings her arm where Minjoo’s is, she pats around a little before touching her.

Chaewon settles into her thoughts again. How long is temporary? Five minutes? Ten? An hour? A day? Her breathing irregulates again and then the strong scent from the top of Minjoo’s head begins to drift. She no longer feels hair on her face, replaced now by fingers. Chaewon keeps her eyes closed. “Are you uncomfortable anywhere, unnie?”

Chaewon hums noncommittally and tries to lean towards Minjoo again, hoping to bury her face in Minjoo. Minjoo must have sensed something amiss because she stops her. “Let me see you, unnie. Open your eyes.” A gentle request from her kind Minjoo. Chaewon reminds herself to breathe. Regulate.

Chaewon turns away from the loose hold to look up, eyes opened. Sight not back.

The pressure on the… She thinks. Pressure on the occipital lobe will release itself in five minutes. Temporary, she reminds herself. So she has to look away from Minjoo temporarily so she will not have to know Chaewon can’t see. But Minjoo’s warm palm lands on her chest and Chaewon realises then the abnormal rise and fall of her chest. She forgot to regulate her breathing.

“Unnie, look at me. Why are you breathing so quickly?”

Minjoo has shifted again, heat left her arm and the pressure on the bed has moved. The palm on her chest remains. She closes her eyes again and turns to Minjoo.

Chaewon opens her eyes.

“Unnie?”

Chaewon adjusts her head to where the voice is. Minjoo is by her side but why does it feel wrong?

“Why can’t you find me?” Then Chaewon feels the heat hovering over her. Minjoo has sat up.

“I can’t… see you.”

Chaewon hears nothing, she feels nothing. No change to anything. She worries. “It’s temp...porary.” She hurriedly reassures herself and Minjoo whom she knows is still here but unmoving. But her worry is not helping her breathing, it speeds it up. It becomes even more uneven. Chaewon gasps because air does not seem to be reaching her lungs.

“Unnie.” Minjoo’s voice and Chaewon senses her closer proximity and the unwavering palm on her chest. “Unnie. Slowly.”

Chaewon is trying. She really is.

“It’s okay. Breathe. It’s okay.”

Minjoo moves again and Chaewon feels her head being lifted up and then a lot of Minjoo’s scent surrounds her. “I am here, unnie. Slowly. I am here. Breathe.”

Chaewon focuses. Temporary. Breathe. Occipital lobe. Breathe. Pressure. Breathe. Minjoo. Breathe.

It’s okay.

There is silence for a long while. Chaewon only knows even in her darkness, there is Minjoo’s scent, her touch on her face and her chest, her presence never leaves. Soon Chaewon is comfortable enough to speak. “Effect of the tumor. Loss… of sight. But it’s… temporary pressure.”

“How long?”

Chaewon doesn’t know how to answer Minjoo because she herself doesn’t know. Chaewon’s silence means that Minjoo fills in her own blanks.

“You were hoping it is temporary enough that you wouldn’t have to worry me, scare me. That is why you tried to pass over me that you cannot see.”

Chaewon hasn’t excluded information from Minjoo since the four months diagnosis. But Chaewon feels guilty that this feels similar; even if in all of Minjoo’s earlier questions, she never omitted any truth and like Minjoo had said, Chaewon was hoping there was nothing to exclude from telling.

“You panicked didn’t you? When it isn’t going away? Did you think you are lying to me?”

Minjoo reads her perfectly. Chaewon nods slowly then there are gentle caresses on her face.

“You didn’t, Chae. You really wish it came and gone. I know you weren’t doing anything deliberately.”

“It should… go away.” Chaewon reasons for herself to hear.

“It will. You, Dr Kim says it will.” Minjoo hasn’t stopped touching her. “Until then, I’ll be here so it’s okay if you want to be scared.”

Chaewon nods - she can’t see Minjoo pursing her lips to hold back her tears.

“I’ll be here to remind you to breathe.”

--

Even Nako senses the mood in the living room because she sits quietly between the two adults. Minjoo stares into the crackling flame of the fireplace as Eunbi, Nako and her wait while Dr Cooper assesses Chaewon in the bedroom. It is a practical decision to set the fireplace up as the brunt of winter hits now that they are in January. However the fire, strong as always, doesn’t provide the same comforting warmth as before. The intensity that soothed over all pain is inherently lost today because right now, her heart aches with fear and stomach coils in uneasiness. The familiar sound of the door opening and they all perk up. Dr Cooper closes it behind him as he joins them in the living room.

“I gave her new medication. It may help bring her sight back by relieving the pressure on the area of the brain that gives us sight. But one thing goes and another may come so there may be inverse side effects to the changing of medication.”

 

He watches as Minjoo despondently relays his words to Eunbi, him too not wanting a situation like this to have to play out. This is why he is not surprised to receive the familiar expression that loved ones wear when they seek hope, anything that can alleviate this misery.

“There’s only so much that can be done at this stage of the tumor.” Fred says with his eyes cast down. “Which is why I have to do it.”

Minjoo does not understand what he is saying and the silence that falls in the large space looms until Fred looks up again. “The surgical idea that brought us closest? I solved it.” Fred gives a tired smile and Minjoo, when she puts her mind aside from Chaewon for a moment, finally notices the dark eyes and dry skin of Chaewon’s doctor. “After the last visit, I spent all of Christmas and New Year’s, all my time to find a way to save my friend. I took a step back and evaluated everything and all her notes and ideas…” He pulls out his phone to open his message thread with Chaewon. “Of course the answer is here.”

Minjoo watches as Fred scrolls up considerably before settling on a long message. He hands the phone over to her. She decides with understanding more first before translating for Eunbi.

Chaewon

I know this sounds crazy but it’s another idea anyhow?

So I am having dinner right now in Jeju. Seafood. And my friend, the chef, is preparing the crab and the way he does it… Right down the center.

That’s it right? Okay a crab body and a brain, down the center, I know it’s wild. But if we go through with-

Minjoo tries her best to understand the rest of the words Chaewon used in her message but the medical terms are simply too hard to comprehend. But Minjoo figures she gets the gist of Chaewon’s idea, and to think she was right there beside her when it hit. So this was what Chaewon was doing. Observing, taking in her surroundings and finding inspirations even in normality. Only her genius, her Chaewon. Minjoo hands the phone back and waits. She knows he isn’t finished.

“I had considered it, as with all her ideas. But it felt crazy. Nobody does that, down the center in a brain. Now though in hindsight with the plan, it fits into place. It solves the mystery. We can remove all of the tumor without damaging other parts of the brain! So I tried it. I tried doing the whole surgery in the lab, mocking it all up according to Chaewon’s tumor. But-”

This. This is the crushing truth Minjoo is waiting for because she knows that there is no way Fred would be telling this if it was in every way good. He would be rushing all of them to the hospital, not compromising with a change of medication to possibly bring Chaewon’s sight back. He could cut the problem out of it. Still, she translates everything for Eunbi and the older woman’s expression mirrors her own - apprehension.

“I only succeeded once.” He looks at them with great remorse, feeling his failure is in his incompetence. “Out of ten tries.” He sighs. “I told her all of this just now. She isn’t as lucid as my friend usually is but she understood enough. That we finally found a way and that I do not like the odds enough but considering all what we have beaten through since the tumor was first diagnosed…” He regards Minjoo only, waiting till Minjoo finishes her translation.

“It’s finally something.” Underneath the tiredness and the gloom of having to drive all the way out of the city to check on his friend who woke up with more degeneration of herself, there is a small spark. “If she wants to do it.”

“Chaewon hasn’t decided?” Eunbi asks when she hears everything. It is the question burning inside Minjoo too but she can’t quite find her place to articulate. Everybody is vividly aware of how fast things can change so if there is a way, it has to be done soon.

Dr Cooper shakes his head. “She was groggy because of the medication and coupled with everything that is happening to her body, I advised that she sleep on it. She fell asleep the moment I packed everything up.”

“Well we all knew from the start that if we found a surgical method, it would be this risky. Since it had to be an unorthodox method.” Eunbi rationalises things and manages a weak smile. “Finally, there’s a way and it is not too late.”

Fred tries not to twitch when he hears the words, the hope that weighs on them. “I really hope so.”

Since all that needs to be said is done and what is left is all on the one person resting in the room, Minjoo looks out to the early setting sun that winter brings. There is a few hours till dinner but she offers to the surgeon who dropped everything to drive here. “Would you like to stay for dinner?”

Fred shakes his head and also starts taking up his bag. “Thanks for the offer but I like to go back to the hospital and you know… prepare all I can if she says yes. I wouldn’t want to do it if it’s not to the best of my abilities.”

Minjoo understands. Chaewon is someone where people would want good things for her. This room easily encompasses that. They stand as Minjoo offers to send him out. Fred comforts Nako with a ruffle of her hair as he walks away. He pats Eunbi on the shoulder too.

The cold winter air blows when they head down the path lined by thick snow on its sides. Minjoo pulls her coat closer to her. In his peripheral vision, Fred observes Minjoo and her continuing silence. Save for the translation, Minjoo really hasn’t spoken on Chaewon’s condition.

“She must have been very afraid waking up this morning.” Fred speaks with his eyes following his footsteps.

“She was. It is a scary thing to wake up to not be able to see.” Minjoo answers as her words leave traces in the air in the form of smoke. They are even more prominent this time of the year.

“Well it is really good that she has you.”

They reach his car and he opens his door to keep his bag and starts his car. He does not enter though, standing rooted by the car door. He can’t imagine what Minjoo is going through right now and can only offer what little he can. He smiles wearily.

“You know, she only started this consistent idea texting thing after the ‘4 months’ diagnosis was given? Prior to that, we text for sure but mostly our discussions happen during our appointments or through planned video calls that fit into our schedule. That’s where we bring all we have thought about to one focused moment to brainstorm.”

Minjoo does not really get where he was going with this and he seems to figure that out so naturally he continues. “So when I began receiving the texts regularly, I assumed she wanted her every idea known as soon as it hit her and texting is the most efficient way. I still believe that but let’s just say being in the receiving end of these texts for the last few months, also made me realise it may be more.” He pulls out his phone from his pocket and again, Minjoo is faced with the screen. He scrolls to the point where texts become less of friendly chat between friends and more of a consistent stream of medical speak.

“It is usually an idea a day. And you see these long chat bubbles? She writes her ideas out like it is an academic paper or something. It is coherent and has a logical flow to it.” Fred chuckles and continues scrolling down as the time progresses. Chaewon’s messages are very clear and really show the thought behind them. Then Minjoo notices the sizes of the chat bubbles as they become more varying. It seems almost random, the ideas that come and the loose thoughts behind them but they stay consistently delivered everyday. When Fred passes the point Minjoo recognises from earlier is the messages from their time in Jeju, Minjoo can read from Fred’s replies that some ideas do not seem at all feasible but Chaewon does not stop. She never gives up. Minjoo focuses even more when Fred purposefully slows down to a time not too far back from now. When they broke up. The messages sent from Chaewon are in bubbles so short and yet come in many. Any observer from looking at the bubbles alone can sense the franticness behind the spam messages.

“Only when I saw her when she came back to New York did I understand why her messages were like this.” Out of a relationship, symptoms of her tumor becoming realer and the waning time cementing in, Chaewon was clinging onto anything that can maybe change the hopelessness she felt. She all the more wasn’t ready for her life to be short. Minjoo feels tears coming up then Fred scrolls down and the chat suddenly reaches the end. The content too, has changed. It is back to being what it was more of before the four months diagnosis. The most recent messages exchanged are holidays greetings. The switch between the last frantic medical related to friendly ones was instantaneous and the time was during…

“I thought the talk I gave her during our appointment worked so well when I told her she really should focus on taking care of herself and leave the thinking to me since then she didn’t just have a broken body, she had a broken heart. I even started feeling odd when I didn’t receive any more idea messages after.” Fred chuckles and keeps his phone now that it isn’t important anymore.

“When I saw you at the next appointment, I knew it wasn’t my talk that stopped her. You guys got back together and that was enough.”

Fred turns back to the house and stares at the lights coming out of it. “She is fighting for you. Not that she doesn’t have Eunbi and Nako to fight for but you add to that.” Fred brings his eyes back to Minjoo. “She realised she had more she wanted to keep when she was really faced with losing time. And over time, you center her. To what is real, what is tangible and what is now, even in the face of fighting to keep herself.”

“You probably know all these already.” Fred chuckles as he regards his friend’s girlfriend. “But I just thought it would be nice to tell you still.”

It is in fact. Minjoo smiles for the first time that day. Between holding Chaewon through the morning and afternoon to having been the one to tell Eunbi what happened when they didn’t come out of their room to sorting out the logical next step of calling Dr Cooper over, it has been a frightening day for Minjoo. She doesn’t think she really is processing Chaewon’s degeneration where it is at the point now of near finality. So to be reminded the semblance of what’s real - her relationship with Chaewon and the strength of togetherness - grounds her too. To be told that while Chaewon didn’t break the original rule she set out between them when they agreed to their relationship, Chaewon did after all bend it for Minjoo. She wants Minjoo so much she grasps on any and everything to find a way. Desperation, franticness, Chaewon didn’t care. She just wanted it.

“It is. Thank you for sharing with me that.”

Seeing the smile, Fred pulls the car door wider. “I should go. Have a good dinner. I am on call anytime you guys need me, or if Chaewon makes her decision.”

 

Minjoo stands in the empty driveway when Fred drives off. The all-important decision? Minjoo hopes the want translates.

--

Chaewon regains her sight the next day. There isn’t a big announcement or crazy flow of emotions, Minjoo is simply tidying up their room, keeping away their laundry while Chaewon is resting. The change in medication must have been too much for the frail woman because she didn’t get out of bed at all, even after Dr Cooper left, Minjoo medicating her again when the hours struck and Eunbi refilling the IV drip. That was the routine as Chaewon floated around bare consciousness until now, the next afternoon when Minjoo feels eyes on her. Minjoo pauses in her task of folding the clothes on the other side of the bed and cautiously looks up and there it is, her favourite pair of eyes just staring back at her. Minjoo watches carefully to discern if Chaewon is really looking at her or it is simply Chaewon acute enough to gauge where she is. But the eyes do not waver and Minjoo senses it in her gut that this is the loo