19.
UNCHANGEABLE (KRYBER)amber kicks her car door close and carries the sleeping katrien in her arms into the jung compound.
"she fell asleep crying," she says as she meets up with krystal and her mom at their doorstep. "maybe i should carry her directly to her room so she won't wake up."
they lead amber to katrien's bedroom to tuck the kid in. when she's left alone, amber murmurs one more apology and kisses the kid's forehead. she heads out of the room and sees krystal standing with a phone against her ear.
"... yeah. she's sleeping now. let's talk to her tomorrow about it."
krystal's gentle voice is so soothing and amber can't help but smile. she stood there staring, admiring how elegant krystal looked in her long white nightdress. but there's still a hint of jealousy inside knowing krystal's talking to her husband--or ex-husband-to-be. krystal hasn't talked to amber yet. the ambiguity of their relationship sends amber to uncertainty.
krystal turns around and meet eyes with amber. "yes. that would be great. goodnight, jihoon," she says, not breaking the gaze. she hangs up the phone, and amber takes it as a sign to approach.
"hey."
"hey."
"umm." amber looks to her left and right as if she's searching for something. it was undeniably awkward and she's sure krystal can feel it too. "i don't know if there's any better way to say this, but katie knows everything now and she hates me."
krystal raises her brows. "she what?"
"i'm sorry. but she overheard your mom and your husband talking about this other person involved with you." amber sighs. "and i don't want to pretend and lie to her. i told her it was me."
"gosh." krystal brings a hand to her forehead. "i'm sorry. this is all my fault."
"hey. it's not your fault. i should be the one apologising. she's got every right to hate me."
krystal massage her temple this time and amber notices how she look so stressed like she hasn't been sleeping well for days.
"i don't know what to do anymore..." krystal says, almost helpless. "whichever path i take, someone will always get hurt... it s you, or me, or katie, or jihoon..."
"hey. hey. calm down." amber reaches out, cupping krystal's elbows, the latter leaning in the touch and breaking down in amber's shoulder instantly. "hey. it'll be okay."
"i don't know what to do anymore, amber..." krystal's frame shakes, her hand clutches amber's sleeve. "i don't know what to do anymore. this is all my fault..."
"there's no point trying to find out who's at fault or who's to blame. what you need to do is find a way to fix this."
"but what should i do? i don't want to hurt anyone anymore..."
amber rubs krystal's back. "look. the more you try not to hurt anyone, the longer people around you will get hurt. you just have to decide, and be firm with it."
krystal looks up at her. "but how?"
"ask yourself, what do you want?"
"i can't do that, amber," says krystal, pulling back and wiping her tears with her fingers like a kid. "because no matter what i choose somebody will always get hurt."
"people are already getting hurt. and the more you're stuck with this indecisiveness, the longer all of us will suffer."
"but how can i be happy with my decision if i know i've hurt you, or jihoon, or katie in the process? i can't take that, amber. especially katie, she's the last person i wanted to hurt with my decisions."
amber feels like her heart is being pulled down. if it's a battle between her and jihoon, she stands a chance. but if katrien is involved, she knows that even she would tell krystal to make it up with her husband.
it's a mismatch because katrien's the most important person in the world to krystal, more than amber, more than her mom, and even her husband. and amber won't blame krystal for that.
she holds krystal's shoulders and puts on a brave mask.
"look. don't worry about me getting hurt anymore. i'm fine. i'll be fine," she says with full sincerity. "i know your husband already made a decision for the two of you but if you still want to make up with him, i would understand. i don't want to keep hurting katie either. and it'll be easier for me to stay away from you and her knowing she hates me now."
krystal's face shifts into worry. "amber..."
amber cups krystal's cheek. "i... i want you back. i want you back so bad," she says, desperate, needy. "i know made a mistake before. i left you, and i regret it up to this very second. and if you'll give me a chance, i promise--no, i swear--i'll make it right this time. i'll fight for you no matter what. i won't give up. i'll never leave you again."
this causes krystal to break into a crying mess again as she holds amber's hand on her cheek.
"but if..." amber pauses, preventing her voice from breaking. "if being with me would cause you and katie so much pain, just say the word and i'll stay out of your lives forever."
"no..." krystal shakes her head. "no, amber. no." she cups amber's face this time. "don't say that, please." she loops her arms around the taller woman and hugs her. "you can't... i need you... i know i should have talked to you sooner about this but a lot is going on right now and i'm worried about katrien. but i don't want to lose you again. please don't go..."
amber closes her eyes, feeling krystal's warmth. "but what about katie? she wouldn't want to see you with me. she'll hate you for it."
"i can assure you that you separating and krystal getting back with jihoon won't fix the issue with katrien," an incoming voice said, startling krystal and amber. it was krystal's mom. "even if you fix everything with jihoon and continue your marriage, katrien will still remember this day for the rest of her life. and it will just worsen her hatred towards amber."
krystal pulls back from amber. "mom..."
the older woman folds her arms on her chest. "it's time that you two make things right together, not on your own. jihoon already gave you that chance. i don't understand why you are still complicating things."
"but, mom..."
"katie will eventually understand," says the woman, her voice firm. "she loves amber. she won't be mad at her forever. but you two, i hope you've already learned your lessons from your decisions before. you're old enough to know that giving up on each other won't help. you have to do it together, and you have to be firm because it won't be easy at first."
amber and krystal just stare at the older woman, mouths open.
"you have already wasted a lot of time being apart. don't you think now's the best time to make up for it?"
krystal took one step closer to her mom. "mom, are you saying--"
"i don't know how else i can say it so you would understand." the older woman rolls her eyes and sighs, pretending to be annoyed. "it's okay to worry about katie but don't let her stop you from being together again. she loves you both. i'm sure she'll learn to forgive and accept you. if you could convince me with your everlasting and unchanging love for each other, i'm sure you'll convince your daughter too."
krystal looks at amber with hopeful eyes. she reaches out for amber's hand and rubs a thumb over it.
amber feels like all the cells in her body are exploding into happiness. it's like there's an internal fireworks display, celebrating the birth of a new life within her.
she thought it was impossible, but here it is now. her years of agony and pain erased by krystal's sweet smile.
the joy overflows into her eyes. amber didn't realise she's already crying. she glances at krystal's mom who gives her a small smile and an assuring nod.
amber looks back at krystal. she intertwines their fingers and notices the absence of a metal ring. she smiles.
"let's do this, krystal."
---
"you said you hate me..."
"i know..." krystal nuzzles her face further in the crook of amber's neck. "i'm sorry. i didn't mean that. a lot just happened that day and the day before that, and the week before that, and i just sort of... exploded." she releases a sigh, her body relaxes against amber's while they lay on the bed in her bedroom.
the wedding picture on the wall is now gone, reassuring amber that having krystal in her arms now isn't a dream.
"but you were still planning to make it up with jihoon, right?" she says.
krystal didn't answer. she sighs again and pushes herself up to look down at amber. "i was doing it for katie. you know i'd do anything for my kid."
"i know, and i understand every bit of it." amber trails her fingers along krystal's arm. "but i got scared. i thought we had another chance, then in an instant, it got snatched away. i..."
"shhh..." krystal stops her with a quick peck on the lips. "it's over now, okay? we're okay now. i know i was unclear these past few days, but this is what i want, amber. i want you."
"but you're still worried about katie?"
"i am. and i still feel this guilt for hurting jihoon. but mom's right. it already happened and making it up with him won't be fair to him and won't unhurt my kid." krystal's face becomes sad. "i just hope katrien will forgive us soon."
"hey. i'm with you on this one, okay?" says amber. "we can take it slow with her. maybe it's best if she won't see me for now until her anger subsides. i can talk to her again if you think the timing is right."
"then how are we going to see each other?" krystal asks.
"i'll leave tomorrow morning before katie wakes up," says amber. "i'll stay in my apartment and check the shelter and the construction site while you're busy with your duties. then at night, once katie is asleep, then we can sneak in to see each other. either i go here or you go to my apartment. we aren't that far, anyway."
"but aren't you supposed to stay in the city for your work?"
"i will only go there whenever i have schedules. after that, i'll drive back here."
"but that's a long drive!"
"you were willing to do the same for me when i was injured, remember?" amber asks, silencing krystal. "look. i want to make this work out. evens are now extinct. i am no longer in aef. as i've said, i'll make it right this time. i'll do everything i can to be here for you all the time."
"oh, amber..." krystal buries her face back in amber's neck. "thank you."
"i promise you, i will never let go of you again, ever," says amber, full of resolve.
now that she's given a second chance, she intends to keep her word no matter what happens.
because being with krystal gives her this feeling like her entire body is finally relaxing and her brain finally finds peace.
krystal is indeed her sanctuary. her haven. her home. amber will do anything to protect what they have now.
krystal fell asleep that night resting on top of amber, like how she used to do before.
---
jiwon's eyes almost popped out of their sockets.
"oh my goooooosh!" yuri squeals, hugging and kissing amber and krystal. "i am not dreaming, am i?" she says, pulling back and fanning herself. "you two are finally back together?"
"yes, we are," says krystal, glancing at amber. "right, honey?"
amber blushes. "yeah..."
yuri squeals again. "gosh! i'm so glad! i meant, no offence to junghyeon--"
"it's jihoon," says jiwon.
"--whatever his name is." yuri rolls her eyes. "don't get me wrong. i have nothing against him. i will always be thankful for his contribution to bringing katrien into this world. but my point is, i seriously think you two are right for each other. your love is truly right."
"that's cheesy," jiwon comments.
"oh, come on, jiwon! don't ruin my moment here! you're just bitter because you haven't made progress with your romantic life yet."
"excuse me, i am going out exclusively with someone now."
amber raises an eyebrow. "oh. really?"
"anyway, my point is..." yuri pauses and looks back at amber and krystal. "it is truly right because your feelings for each other lived from year to year. yes, there were changes in your lives but the love never disappeared."
"yuri--the romanticist. i think i've heard that line from a song." jiwon smirks and yuri growls. "anyway, we're both happy for you." she hugs krystal. "i'm happy for you. finally acting upon your own feelings, huh? though i wish you have done this sooner instead of waiting for jihoon to do it for you. how's he, by the way?"
krystal glances at amber first before going back to jiwon. "he got himself an apartment for now and stays there. it's closer to the hospitals he's working in. he admits he's hurting, but he says being busy really helps."
jiwon shakes her head and sighs. "it's not always rainbows and butterflies."
"that i'm sure i've heard that from a song!" yuri exclaims and everyone laughs. "anyway, aren't you supposed to be at work today, krystal?"
"it's my off," says krystal. "we drove here today so amber can get some of her clothes. she'll be staying in the town more often than here. we called you since we know you two are in the area, so we can tell you about the good news."
"why get more clothes if you don't need one when you're together?" yuri asks, making everyone look at her with horrified faces. "come on! we're all adults here! it's not like you two aren't gonna do it."
amber awkwardly meet eyes with krystal who's face is red. "stop that, yuri. just order that pizza now. krystal and i are already hungry."
"ooh. too to eat earlier?"
"yuri!" says amber.
"yah!" says krystal.
yuri raises her palms up. "okay! okay! i'll order now. chill."
jiwon watches yuri walking to the balcony, making a call. "having katie, our little krystal, is really cute. but if ever we'll have a little yuri around..." shakes her head. "i don't want to imagine it."
"yah! i heard that, jiwon!"
---
a few hours later, they were back in town. krystal had to go home first so she can have dinner with katrien. she made sure her daughter's already asleep before she went to amber's apartment.
and now, they are making out on the sofa like two teenagers when suddenly krystal pulls back.
"wait. i remember something."
"w-what...?" amber asks, her lips swollen.
"how far have you gotten with gyuri?"
"what?"
"you heard me, amber."
"are you seriously asking me that now?" amber gestures to their position, how she's hovered above krystal.
"yeah. i want to know. according to jihoon, gyuri said nothing happened between you two because you stopped."
"isn't that what i've been telling you before? nothing happened between us."
"well, if you had to stop, it only means you were already doing something, right?" krystal raises an eyebrow. "so, tell me, how far have you gotten with her?"
amber groans, pulling back to sit on the couch. she glances at the painting first, remembering how that night went. she knows there's no way krystal would let her off the hook. she exhales.
"we... we made out."
"you did? where?"
amber awkwardly turns to krystal and taps the couch. "here."
krystal gets up. "okay. i'm outta here."
"where are you going?" she grabs krystal's arm.
"i dunno. maybe i'll stay in the balcony where there's no trace of gyuri. unless you made out there too?"
"why are you so jealous?" amber yanks krystal into her lap.
"amber!"
"no." she caged the smaller woman in her arms. "i told you, i will never let go of you ever again."
krystal pouts. "hmp."
"look. i don't want it to sound like i am blaming this on you," says amber gently. "but i was lonely that night, and paranoid. i messaged you but you weren't responding so i thought you may be doing something with... with your husband..."
that stops krystal from trying to break free from amber's arms. "why would you think like that?"
"why shouldn't i? you're a married couple."
krystal kisses amber's forehead. "then why did you stop? i'm sure you're having a good time with her for you to bring her here."
"i remember you..." she grazes her thumb over krystal's lower lip. "i remember your kiss and i just... stopped. i couldn't bring myself to do it anymore, unless it's you."
krystal leans into amber's shoulder. "well, truth is, jihoon and i haven't been doing it for a while now. there's been a lot of fighting these past few weeks. i think it all started when we went out together on our anniversary. we fought that night because i wasn't in the mood. i was hella worried about you."
"i should apologise to jihoon for ruining for him?"
krystal playfully pushes her. "i love you."
"i love you too and i..." amber stands with krystal still in her arms. "i shall show you tonight how much i love you..."
"amber!" krystal kicks her feet as amber carries her into the bedroom and throws her on the bed, amber hovering above her after.
"i haven't... made out... with anyone... in this room yet..." says amber, kissing krystal in between her words.
"oh, yeah? but i clearly remember gyuri going out of your room last time."
"well, she slept here but i took the couch."
krystal just looks at her in silence, hands playing on amber's nape.
"what?" amber asks, feeling conscious.
"i love you."
amber melts at that. "i love you too."
"please don't leave me again, amber."
"i won't, honey. i promise i won't. after going through a lot, i realised that it's only you that i want in this life," says amber. "i don't want to sound like i'm stealing somebody's family, but you and katie makes me feel complete."
"you're not stealing somebody's family," says krystal assuringly. "and i don't have plans of taking my kid away from her father. but i'm glad that you love my daughter like your own."
"i would love anything or anyone you love."
krystal smiles. "thank you." she pulls amber down and kisses her.
the kiss escalates quickly, and krystal had to break away before it is out of control. both were gasping for air.
"i... there's something i want to tell you..." says krystal, her eyes never leave amber's. "i know you want this. believe me or not, i want it too. but..."
"but...?" amber asks.
"i... i'm feeling guilty doing this with you..."
"w-what?"
"don't get me wrong..." krystal pulls amber's head down to her chest. "it's not about you or jihoon. it's about katie. i feel like i'm betraying her if we do this now."
amber blinks as she hears the heartbeat of her lover against her ear.
"i know it sounds crazy, but can we wait for the divorce papers to come out first before we do it?"
amber releases a relieved sigh. "okay. i thought we'd never have again for the rest of our lives."
krystal laughs. "i didn't mean it that way! i just don't want to do it yet while i'm still legally married to my daughter's father."
amber props her chin on krystal's chest to look up at her. "i understand."
"you do?"
"yeah. i'm sure the process won't take long as it's a consensus decision between you and jihoon. and as long as i can still kiss you and hug you, i've no problems with that."
krystal smiles again, looking relieved. she pulls amber to kiss her. "you really are the best! thank you."
amber smiles back. "shall we take a shower for now so we can cool this heat down?"
krystal chuckles. "i'll shower first, okay?"
amber pulls back. "sure."
krystal stands up and goes to the bathroom. amber takes that opportunity to check her phone and search online about how long the divorce process usually takes.
her eyes widen when she sees the answer: 'minimum of six months up to a year.'
"what the hell!"
the door to the bathroom opens and krystal's voice follows, "are you all right, honey?"
amber closes the app right away. "uh... yeah... just reading some stuff online..."
"okay. i love you."
"i love you too."
the bathroom door closes. amber buries her face in the mattress.
"dammit."
Comments