07.
UNCHANGEABLE (KRYBER)it was a mistake being near krystal for that long.
it was a mistake indulging herself too much in the other woman's presence.
it was a mistake because amber can't stop thinking about her. it's like there is an endless obsession of krystal crashing into her.
krystal.
krystal.
krystal.
and amber can't stop the noise, can't stop the voices in her head.
it was an enormous mistake spending too much time together with them because amber's missing her so badly even she's not supposed to.
it was a mistake because her brain is yet again flashing memories from a long time ago--memories they shared. amber's all out and drowning in these memories. she's not even sure how to handle herself when she's having episodes like this.
it's like all the changes that happened in her life doesn't affect this aspect of herself--couldn't affect anything that's krystal-related.
all the new things and new people just disappear. and whenever this happens, amber gets teleported to a specific joyful moment with krystal, then her mind won't be able to tell anymore which is reality and which is a memory.
so she'll stay there and be happy.
she'll live in that moment as long as she can, or as long as her brain permits her to.
because she can feel krystal like she's really there, touching her.
because she can hear krystal's voice whispering sweet things in her ear.
because she feels complete all over again with krystal beside her.
it's unfair because once the effect wears off, reality would sink in and amber would need to face the truth that while krystal is moving on with her life, she's stuck at where she is. she can't run away.
hell, why would she want to run away in the first place? krystal's memory is her internal sanctuary, her safe haven.
since she was a child, it was hard for amber to deal with her episodes. it was noisy and chaotic and unsettling. she was like that for years.
she doesn't have the will to live and the drive to do anything new.
she's just living because her body won't give up on her yet.
so she went on with her life, hoping one day her suffering would end.
but everything changed when she met krystal. for the first time in years, amber finally found the first beautiful thing she got stuck on, the first thing that brought her peace, the first thing that made her feel complete.
but that was a long time ago now and krystal's not hers anymore. amber can't breathe thinking jihoon could be hugging and kissing and touching her at this very moment.
she clenches her fists. no, she can't let herself drown in that.
so she wraps an arm around suzy's waist and pulls the woman closer to kiss the base of her neck. amber's mouth slides along the other woman's skin as she kisses her way to the tender spot below suzy's ear.
this elicits a moan from suzy, and amber loves it.
she went on, pleasuring the woman over and over because suzy's voice seems to pull her out of krystal's memory pool.
this is the only escape she could think of because she knows that no matter what happens krystal will never be hers again.
---
"amber, what are you doing out here this early?"
amber stares at yuri, then to jessica, who are both having coffee outside the 24-hour coffee shop on the island.
"uh... jogging?" she says.
"at three in the morning?" yuri asks. "and why are you only wearing a shirt and track pants? aren't you feeling cold?"
amber looks around and sees how the leaves are swaying because of the wind.
"i don't," she says.
yuri stands up to inspect her friend. "are you having an attack again?"
amber couldn't answer.
"you're supposed to be sleeping, amber." yuri looks worried now.
"i... i can't sleep..." says amber. "aren't you two supposed to be asleep at this hour too?"
"the wedding tired us out and we end up sleeping the entire afternoon," says jessica. "we woke up just now and got some coffee before our flight later."
"flight? where are you going?"
"honeymoon. duh." yuri rolls her eyes. "have you forgotten you are here because you attended our wedding yesterday?"
"ahh. yeah..." amber scratches her head. "i did not forget. i was just out of it..."
yuri scans her friend. "amber, what happened? did you cry again?"
amber looks away. but she knows she won't be able to hide it. "i'm fine. i'll be okay. i just need to jog around to clear my mind."
"are you sure?" jessica asks. "we'll be leaving the island in an hour. you can come with us to the port."
"thanks, but i'm fine. really. you two enjoy your honeymoon. no need to worry about me."
"promise me you'll still be alive once we get back," says yuri. "no scratches or whatever. okay?"
"i won't do anything to harm myself. i promise you that."
"you better not do anything stupid. it's better that i kill you here now. just let me know."
jessica laughs. "let's leave amber to it. she knows how to handle it more than we do."
yuri sighs. "fine. just please take care of yourself, okay?"
"i will." amber nods. "i promise you i'll be fine. and thank you. please enjoy your trip for me."
yuri smiles. "we'll surely do."
---
amber's head tilts up as she stifles another big yawn.
she squints. the dark sunglasses she's wearing to cover up her eye bags couldn't block much light from the sun who's now illuminating the entire island with its bright rays.
her eyes remain closed as she puts her attention back to the guide speaking in front.
"... be careful not to go out of the pathway as there are baboons living in the forest," says the female tourist guide. "they are still wild animals and can be dangerous. follow only the path we marked and set for you so you won't get lost."
amber yaws again.
"are you okay?" suzy asks, tucking her arms under amber's. "we can go back now if you're that sleepy."
"i'm fine. i'm sure i won't be able to sleep at this rate. i need to tire my body until my mind is left with no choice but to shut down."
"what's bothering you, anyway? i meant, i thought you were fine because you were wild last night."
amber chuckles. "things like this happen to me from time to time. don't worry. besides, you wanted to try this jungle adventure, right? i wouldn't want to miss your reunion with your long lost family that they consider as wild and dangerous animals."
suzy smacks her. "yah! you sound like you're drunk."
"i am not drunk. i'm just..." she spots jiwon, katrien, krystal, her mom, and jihoon just arriving. jiwon's eyes were scanning the crowd until it lands on amber. her face lits up.
"whaddup, amber," she says, venturing forward. "hello, suzy. i hope you had a good night's sleep."
"why, thank you. i hope you are well rested too," says suzy. "amber here wasn't able to get an ounce of sleep tho. said she's thinking about a lot of things."
jiwon raises an eyebrow. "yeah. i heard. yuri called me before they left."
amber grunts. "ugh. that woman."
"amber!"
a smile breaks from her face right away when katrien comes and hugs her around her waist. "hey, sweetie. what's up?"
"you're here!"
"yes, i am here. now, you be a good girl and stay on the path because it's dangerous in the forest. you got that?"
katrien nods. "mmm-mmm."
"amber, are you okay?" asks krystal's mom who followed her granddaughter.
"i'm fine, ma'am. thanks for asking." amber bows, which regrets because she almost lost her balance and would have fallen flat-face on the ground if it weren't for suzy who's clamped on her arm.
she turns away when krystal and her husband approaches.
"you just don't look like you're well..." krystal's mom added.
"what's wrong?" krystal asks.
before the older woman could speak, amber bows again. "they are starting the tour now. we'll go ahead. i hope you enjoy the adventure."
she excuses herself and drags suzy with her.
---
amber's heartbeat rises when she sees the suspension footbridge ahead of them.
not that she fears it. hell, she's been trained in sau for a long time. crossing a bridge is just a piece of cake.
however, she's not in her best condition right now. her brain is in its vulnerable state to go through something like this. she knows that crossing the bridge will trigger something in her brain and she's not sure how far she'll get in and how soon she can get out of that.
she was about to retreat and ask suzy to go somewhere when she spots jiwon and krystal's family a few meters behind them.
jiwon is worriedly looking at her.
amber looks ahead, convinced she should avoid them.
she bravely takes a step forward, and another step, pretending she's not bothered by anything. her eyes were looking far away, finding comfort in the puffy clouds.
suddenly, the wind flares and the loud squeaks of the bridge runs along its length. amber stops on her tracks, her hand grasping the rope on the side.
"hey, are you okay?" suzy, who's turned to the other side to admire the beauty of the mini canyon, asks.
"y-yeah..." amber composes herself and starts walking ahead again.
but her misery isn't over yet. the next thing happening is some kids jumping up and down as they pass through, causing the bridge to wiggle, sway, and bounce.
amber flinches at the movement, making her whip her head to the back. that's when her eyes catches an image she feared she would see.
there, at the end of the bridge, she sees the familiar creature--monster--standing, aiming for her.
'creeeeeeeee!'
amber closes her eyes and covers her ears.
"this is just an imagination," she whispers. "this is just my imagination."
"amber?"
she hears a voice, but it was too weak to pull her out of that memory. she looks in front ahead and sees her father at the other end of the bridge cutting the rope with a knife.
"no. i'm still here..." amber walks forward. her dad looks up and got more frightened. he speeds up his efforts in cutting the rope until one snaps.
"amber?"
she continues forward, aiming to make it to the end of the bridge. she glances at the back. the monster is following her.
she hears another rope snapping. the bridge shakes again. she knows it won't be long before the bridge gives out. but then, she's reminded this isn't real. this is just imagination. so, she reaches her hand out hoping to touch something, hoping for someone to pull her from drowning.
until someone holds her arm.
"close your eyes and focus on my voice," the voice says.
suddenly, it's quiet. "krystal?"
"yes, it's me. focus on my voice, amber."
amber obeys. she can't see anything ahead of her but she can feel the person--or krystal--guiding her. she holds the person's hand tight.
"that's good. keep walking. but don't open your eyes."
"but i--"
"i'm here, amber. you're safe. i won't let go of you. it won't attack you."
amber takes a step, and another step, then another one.
"good," says the voice. "keep going... yes, like that... just a little more... okay... now, open your eyes."
she slowly opens her eyes. krystal is standing in front of her, looking worried.
"are you here with me now?" she asks.
"y-yeah..." amber breaks the gaze and sees suzy approaching. jiwon and krystal's family following behind.
"what happened? why you looked so scared?" suzy asks.
"it's trauma," says jiwon, coming over to amber to check her eyes. "the bridge reminded her of something painful and scary from her past and it triggered her brain to remember the experience all over again, making her feel like she's going through it in reality."
"i-is that possible?" suzy asks. "i mean, can the brain really do something like that?"
"yes." jiwon steps back from amber. "especially for people like amber who experienced a lot since she was a kid. there are even worse cases you wouldn't want to know."
suzy nods. "have you seen her like this before?"
"yeah. a couple of times actually." jiwon gestures to her friend. "krystal had seen more of it and knows how to pull amber back."
suzy looks at krystal. "is this happening often?"
"not really..." krystal glances at amber. "it only happens when she experiences something painful. it's triggering her brain to go into this sort of imaginative state and any external trigger can bring her back to the past."
"wow. you really know a lot, huh? oh. i forgot. you were her roommate," says suzy.
"amber..." katrien hugs amber around the waist.
"careful, sweetie. we don't want to startle amber for now," says krystal.
"but i'm worried, mommy..." katrien pouts.
krystal pats her daughter's head. "me too."
amber carries the kid in her arms. "hey. don't worry. i'm okay now."
"you can always call me if you need to talk, amber," says jiwon, looking serious. "you know this isn't something you can handle on your own. yuri called me earlier to look out for you. she's worried."
"i know... but i'm fine..." amber softens when katrien hugs her around her neck. "i'll call you, don't worry..."
krystal opens to say something.
"can we go ahead now?" jihoon asks. "come here, katie."
"but i want to go with amber..."
"amber's not feeling well, baby," says krystal. "let daddy carry you around."
"but i don't want to..." katrien nuzzles her face in the crook of amber's neck.
jihoon sighs.
amber taps the back of the kid. "hey, sweetie, it's better if you go with your dad, okay? your mom's right. i don't feel well right now."
katrien lifts her head, still pouting. "okay." amber hands her back to her dad. "please rest, amber. i want to you feel better soon."
jihoon's face is stoic. amber knows he doesn't like what's happening now.
"yes, i will rest. you go ahead now and explore the forest," she tells katrien.
"call us if you need help, okay?" says krystal's mom. jihoon is already walking ahead of them, carrying katrien in his arms.
"i will." amber nods. she and suzy watches as the jiwon and the family walk away from them.
"you know what, if she isn't married, i'd think that kid's mom has feelings for you," says suzy thoughtfully. "i was busy taking pictures of the view and didn't notice she came over. she called you like twice but you weren't responding. that's when she got more worried."
"yeah. well. she's the one who's usually helping me before when we were in college," says amber. "she knows how to handle me."
suzy looks ahead in silence for a few seconds before she agrees.
"yeah. she sure does."
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