18.
UNCHANGEABLE (KRYBER)"here, take this." amber hands over a can of beer to jihoon who accepts it.
"thanks." he opens the can and sips from it, wincing after. "damn. you really gave me a good lip cut with your punches."
amber chuckles. "i am a veteran, in case you have forgotten."
jihoon chuckles. "right."
"do you need me to get the medkit again?"
"no. i'm fine now. how about you, is your nose still bleeding?"
"nope. all good now."
jihoon nods a few times and then turns his attention back to the city view in front of them. "krystal's right. you really have a pleasant view from here."
amber opens her can, bends over to the railing and drinks. "really? she never told me that."
"she told me that night she came here. says you have a cool balcony."
amber smiles.
"she was... extra sweet that night to me, you know..." says jihoon in a way amber knows he's ready to spill something. "exerting extra effort to provide real-time updates. truth is, i don't have issues with her going here. you were injured after you saved our kid. going here to take care of you is the right thing to do."
"you're her husband. you deserve to know what she's up to," says amber.
"yeah. but we aren't like that," he says. "krystal and i, being both medical practitioners that we are, we don't message each other when we're at work. we know the complexities of our work, of how a simple distraction can lead to losing lives.
"but her actions that night got me thinking," he continues. "she was over-communicating to the point i find it odd. why does she have to go that far to prove to me there's nothing to be worried about her going to see her ex? is she masking something underneath that sweetness? then i realised, yes, she's doing that because she wants to give me the impression that she's no longer in love with you when in fact she still do."
amber eyes her beer can and wipes the dew with her thumb. she doesn't know why but this conversation is making her feel guilty at some point.
"i never mentioned that to her," jihoon continues after another sip from the can. "i don't want her to know that i know. besides, she's exerting too much effort to make it up with me, leaving no room for any doubts."
amber drinks her beer too, silently listening.
"krystal's an admirable woman. really. a woman of her word," says jihoon calmly. "despite our fights and the challenges we are facing in our relationship, she never gave up on me. she was never willing to throw in the towel even if i wanted to."
amber whips her head at the doctor. "what do you mean?"
"i've been talking to her about getting a divorce since two years ago."
"what?" amber's eyebrows furrows. "please tell me you're not cheating on her otherwise i'll really kill you now."
"i'm not!" jihoon says right away, laughing a bit. "i wouldn't do something like that to her. not to her." he went silent. "she doesn't deserve that."
"then why divorce her?"
"she's..." he looks at his can and exhales. "she's been in pain, for years now, and it's because of you and me." he looks at amber. "i am the only reasons she hasn't begged on her knees for you to come back to her yet."
"that's not true," amber says, remembering the last talk she had with krystal. "she loves you. she told me she doesn't have plans of leaving you for me nor anyone else."
jihoon hums. "yeah. that's the reason we made it this far. eight years. only because she wants to keep her vow when she married me."
a crease forms on amber's forehead. "i don't understand. she loves you."
"yeah. but she loves you more."
"no..." amber shakes her head. "look. it doesn't matter if she still feels something for me. what's important is she's willing to fight for your marriage."
"she would have done the same to you if you hadn't given up on her before. she would have beaten all the odds for you. that's just how she is," he says, giving a sad smile. he looks up at the starless sky. "she's already proven to me how much she wants us to work out, and i really admire her for that. but the way she looked that night when she broke down still haunts me up to this very moment. and i keep asking myself, why am i still holding onto her?"
jihoon gulps his beer, and amber waits for him to continue.
"it started two years ago, after you saved katie." jihoon brings the can to his chest as he recalls what happened. "she was down and lifeless, crying secretly for months like she's mourning or something. i noticed so i confronted her. she wouldn't admit it at first until i finally get her to admit it's all because of you."
there was a pause and amber had to look down as guilt builds up again inside of her.
"so, i asked her; what if katie and our marriage isn't in the equation, will she still choose me? which was a ing wrong move because she couldn't answer me." he chuckles. "right then and there i knew it's over for us. i told her we should divorce. she said no. she said she loves me and we'll make it work out for ourselves and for katrien. i felt her eagerness so i agreed."
for some reasons, that story made amber recall that night in the hotel room when they broke up. jihoon's story is like a déjà vu of what happened to her and krystal before, of how the latter couldn't react when amber asked if she likes the doctor who was calling her.
the memory of krystal admitting to it still brings pain in her chest. but she feels sorry for jihoon too, having to experience the same thing.
but yeah, jihoon's right. krystal would have beaten all the ads for her only if amber hadn't give up on them.
"i wanted to hate you before, but i couldn't," jihoon admits. "i still want to hate you now, but i can't. i want to blame it all to you because all of these wouldn't have happened if you hadn't given up on her. but who am i fooling?" he scoffs. "i could blame it all to you but whenever i think about it, it's really my fault." he looks down, tapping his fingers on the can.
"she told me all about you when i asked her to marry me," he continues. "i didn't care because all i care about that time was to put a ring on her finger. so, i told her all the flowery words i could come up with to make her feel i understand her and that i'll be there for her no matter what. and she agreed to marry me. i got the girl. i was happy. but after that talk we had from two years ago, i realised she said yes only because she thought you were never coming back, because she needs to move on with her life too.
"it was a peaceful ride for us until you had to see each other again." jihoon lets out a half-laugh. "i don't know. i don't believe in destiny or fate but i don't get why you two keep crossing paths. and now, even my kid is in love with you."
that made amber smile a bit. but she shakes the feeling off. "i never intended for that to happen. truth is, i never expect i'd cross paths with krystal again."
"yeah. she said the same thing," he says. "but she was never the same after your meeting. and the way she cried when i confronted her, it hurt me so much. she was crying helplessly and i knew it was you she needed. but yeah, we tried to make it work out. a few more months later she finally got back on her feet. i thought she was finally okay, that she's over you. but as i can see now, it's not the case. in fact, nothing's changed."
amber pushed herself back from the railing and looks at jihoon. "but krystal wouldn't give up on you. isn't that enough reason for you to make this work out with her?"
jihoon purses his lips and shakes his head. "i don't want to hurt her anymore. she may not admit it but i know she's in pain whenever she sees you with other women; suzy, gyuri, your neighbour hyuna. i always thought you're over her, seeing how you interact with them. i thought it's one-sided for krystal. but for whatever reason, fate maybe, gyuri and i met this morning. she just had to tell me how you two hooked up weeks ago and how you ruined it by saying you're still not over your ex yet, and that you want her back."
"i'm sorry." amber looks down, embarrassed. "i didn't know she'd tell something as embarrassing as that."
"well, that's gyuri." jihoon smiles a bit. "what's more embarrassing is i got mad after hearing that story. i thought you and krystal were cheating on me all this time. i confronted her and told her things. she cried and admitted everything, even that night she spent with you instead of going to work. enraged, i drove straight here to give you a piece of me. but while i was was driving, i thought to myself: if you both still love each other, then what am i still doing, standing in your way?"
amber doesn't know what to say. this is the reason she feels guilty because she knows she did something she shouldn't--she kissed krystal.
"i'm sorry for coming here unannounced and for attacking you. i just had to let it out. been bottling that for two years," says jihoon. "i knew i was the reason you two broke up before. and it irks me to know that despite the entire country admiring how brave you are, you're still a coward when it comes krystal. you fought the evens before but you never fought for her. and until now you still won't fight for her."
amber clenches her fist, feeling guiltier now. "i won't deny that it's my fault. i gave up on us without a fight. but if i'll be given a chance to correct it, i would have done differently. but i can't anymore. and still can't do it now because our situation isn't as simple as before."
jihoon said nothing after that. they stay silent, listening to the buzz of the city.
"please tell me you still love her," he finally says. "like you did before--if not, even more. i want to hear it from you, coming from your mouth."
amber looks awkwardly at the doctor and then looks down at her beer. "she's... she's the only person i've loved in this way. to be honest, i don't think i'll be able to love anyone else the way i love her. and it . because i shouldn't. because she has you and katrien."
"will you take her back if i set her free?"
amber isn't sure if she should answer it. but jihoon's face is serious and he demands and answer.
"i'd jump at the chance," she admits, and jihoon's face softens. "but you don't need to divorce her. you can still work this out. i will stay away from you--"
"i've made up my mind," says jihoon in an exhale. "we've already prolonged this for too long. she's already given me nine years of her life, eight years in marriage. and as i've said, i don't like to hurt her anymore by keeping her beside me. she wouldn't give up if i wouldn't so i'd do it for her."
amber stared at the doctor, gape-jawed.
jihoon gives an assuring nod. he looks away, narrows his eyes hard as if preventing tears to fall.
"just please take care of her, will you?" he says, but his voice breaks. he covers his mouth with a hand. "please... please take care of her. make her happy..."
amber takes the can of beer from jihoon's shaking hand and pats his back.
"! this hurts so much! dammit!" jihoon smacks the railing with his palm and breaks down in tears. "but this is the right thing to do, isn't it?" he looks at amber. "you will make her happy, right?"
"jihoon--"
"no! you have to promise me you'll make her happy or else i'll kill you!"
amber swallows a lump in . of course she wants to get krystal back but she didn't think it would be in this way. because for sure it's not only jihoon who will get hurt but katrien too.
"i... i promise..." she assures him. "but what about katie?"
"she will understand all of this eventually," he says. "it's not like she never had an idea how me and her mom has been struggling. and the more we prolong this, the more she's hurting. she's the one who told me how her mom always seem happy whenever the three of you go out." he stands up straight and wipes his tears. "i will still be there for them, for katie. but i'd have to set krystal free. i know she won't agree with this but i need to do this for her otherwise our marriage will consume her."
there was a sudden buzz on the door.
"there's a high probability that could be krystal," says jihoon, fixing himself. "i left her in the middle of an argument and turned off my phone whilst driving here."
"should i let her in or do you want me to tell her you're not here?" amber asks.
"please let her in so we can talk."
not sure what's the right thing to do, amber went to the door and opened it. jihoon was right, it was krystal.
"amber, what happened to you!" krystal enters immediately and sees the mess inside. "what--"
her eyes widen, seeing both amber and jihoon standing before her, both with bruised faces and blood-stained shirts.
there was a split-second hesitation of whom she should approach first, but krystal went for her husband and cups his cheeks. "babe, what happened?"
amber puts her hands in her pockets, smiling in disappointment.
"we had a bit of an argument, but we're okay now," says jihoon calmly. he held his wife's hands. "we need to talk."
"look. whatever happened earlier, whatever i told you, let's forget about that, please?" krystal, pleads. "can we just give it another start, for katrien?"
it hurts amber to know that despite having feelings for her, krystal is still willing to make everything work out with her husband. regret creeps up inside of her knowing krystal was willing to do the same for her before.
"krystal, please..." says jihoon. "i already talked to amber. i've made up my mind."
krystal steps back, looking alternately between amber and jihoon. "no..."
"babe, i'm only doing this for you--"
"no!" krystal keeps retreating. "you two are just the same! while here i am doing everything i can to keep you, you're just deciding to give up everything and leave me behind! do my decision even matters to you? do i even matter to you?"
amber felt all the pain in krystal's words. her eyes warm up. she knew how her actions before hurt the other woman so much. she wants to approach and hug krystal but she can't, afraid it'll push the woman away.
"so, you went here to 'hand me over' to amber, is that it?" krystal scoffs. "what am i, a toy? did you even consider asking me how i feel about this? and katrien, can you really hurt your daughter like that?"
"babe, please--"
"i hate you!" krystal shouts at jihoon. she looks at amber, tears streaming down her cheeks. "i hate you both!"
and with that, she storms out of the door, leaving amber and jihoon alone. amber was about to follow her out but jihoon stops her.
"let me talk to her," he says. "amber, thank you for everything."
jihoon closes the door behind him and amber's left alone, thinking how her life resembles the current state of her apartment.
it's messy.
---
amber didn't hear from anyone after that. she assumed that maybe the couple talked it over and decided to work things out.
yuri was beyond shocked when amber told her. jiwon, who's always been krystal's confidant, admits she hasn't heard from the woman yet. both advised amber to take it low for now and let jihoon and krystal settle the issue themselves.
two weeks passed, and amber goes back to her usual life. she never attempted to visit krystal or katrien even if she goes there to check the shelter. her visits were mostly spent with hyuna who advised her the same thing--to stay away for now.
she was close to thinking her chances of getting back with krystal is close to zero, until one day her phone rings.
it was later afternoon. amber just finished parking her car in her apartment building after visiting the shelter when krystal's name flashes on her phone. she stares at it for seconds, internally debating whether to answer or not.
and what would she say? hi? hello? what's up?
shaking her head, amber clears and answers it.
"amber..." krystal's voice is distressed and amber knows something bad happened. "a-are you here in town...?"
"yeah. i just came from the shelter. what's wrong?"
"katie..." krystal sobs. "she... she ran away after overhearing jihoon and mom talking about the divorce... and i don't know where she went... i... i am still at work and jihoon is looking for her now but he can't find her."
that surprised amber. so, they are still pushing the divorce. although she wants to ask more, she sets the idea aside.
"hey... calm down. i'll go help find her, okay?" amber is already walking up the stairs to her floor. "are there any places you think she would go to?"
"i don't know, amber... i..." her voice cracks.
"krystal, calm down. i can ask for help from my staff here. i can message my former sau comrades too for help. i'm sure she's--" she pauses when she sees katrien sitting outside her door, head on her knees like she's crying.
"amber...?"
"she's here."
"she's there? i'll tell mom and jihoon to go there now."
"no. let me talk to her first. i'm her playmate, remember? she'll tell me all her thoughts. i'll bring her back to you later once she's calmed down."
it took time for krystal to answer. "okay. thank you..."
"stop worrying now, okay?"
krystal sniffs. "thank you, amber."
"no prob. i'll call you later." amber hangs up the phone.
she walks towards the kid, wondering how she can face katrien knowing she's the cause of the kid's pain.
---
"hey. your mom and dad love each other, and them separating doesn't mean they don't care about you." amber tries to console the kid who hasn't stopped crying since they entered the apartment. she even had to carry the kid to the couch for them to settle and talk.
"but why do they have to divorce?" katrien looks up at amber, her eyes swollen. "can't they just stay together?"
"i..." amber looks away. "i don't know, sweetie. but i'm sure they'll still be there for you. i'll be here for you too."
"amber..." katrien wraps her arms around amber's waist and buries her face in the latter's stomach. "i don't want them to divorce. please talk to them..."
amber's heart breaks. she looks up, preventing tears from falling. "i've talked to your dad about it before... but i'll try again..."
"please... please..."
"do you know why they are divorcing?"
"i heard daddy tell granny he's doing it because he wants mommy to be happy..."
amber didn't know what to say. she rubs the kid's back with a hand. "baby..."
katrien pulls back. "granny says mommy's never forgotten 'her' even if they were married and daddy looked so sad. i knew she was talking about mom's first love."
amber looks at the kid, not sure what to say anymore.
"why does that woman have to ruin my family?" katrien covers her face with her palms. "i wouldn't want to meet her, ever!"
amber pats the kid again, not sure if she's doing the right approach to the situation. "katie, baby, i have to tell you something..."
katrien pulls her hands away and looks at amber.
"remember when you asked your mom before about her first love?" amber asks, and katrien nods. "like your mom, i had it too when i was in college."
the kid looks at her expectantly, waiting for her to continue her story. amber felt her heart tightening as she's sure there is no good outcome after this.
but the kid needs to know. she deserves to know.
"that girl and i were together for years," amber continues. "but just like your mom said on what usually happens with first loves, things happened between us. we broke up."
"why?"
"well, first of all, i thought she wasn't happy with me anymore since i was always away because of my work in aef. and then i found out she met a guy who's always there for her when i'm not around."
"she cheated on you?"
"no, baby. no." she the kid's hair. "but they had a strong connection so i thought it's better to let her be happy in someone else's arms instead."
this time katrien didn't speak, but she's listening eagerly.
amber fills her lungs with air, hoping it'll build up her courage too. "i wasn't able to forget about her, you know. i've tried getting into other relationships but no one can really replace her. and then, one day, due to some circumstances, we met again after so many years. i was happy because i found out she still feels the same way for me."
katrien thinks for a moment. "are you two back together now?"
amber shakes her head. "i don't know. things are complicated between us."
"why?"
"remember the guy who was there for my ex when i wasn't around? she married that man and they had a kid together." she pauses and looks at katrien. "a very beautiful daughter."
katrien's mouth opens, and she looks like it's starting to make sense to her now.
"she's a bright, bubbly, and a charming little princess." amber looks away, smiling. "she says she wants me to be a part of her family. i'm not sure if that's still the case now."
katrien narrows her eyes as a new set of tears forms.
"do you want to know what's the kid's name?" amber asks katrien.
katrien shakes her head. "no... no..."
"baby, i..." amber wants to touch katrien, but she couldn't, afraid it'll break the kid. "i'm sorry..."
"i hate you!" katrien cries out. "i hate you! i hate you!"
amber presses her lips together as her tears finally rolled down her cheeks. she hugs katrien to her chest, hoping to calm the kid down. katrien pounds her closed fists to resist but amber keeps hugging her closer.
"i'm sorry, baby. i'm really sorry." she hugs the kid tighter. "i never planned for this to happen. i'm sorry..."
"i hate you... i hate you..." katrien continues, her voice muffled. she lets out a long wail of agony and defeat.
amber keeps hugging the kid in her arms, wondering when this rain would stop.
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